Always Answer When Your Mom Calls


When BFF and I go to the annual Nerdfest that is Phoenix Comicon, we usually spend time shopping in between panels and photo ops.  The very first day?  Oh no…that is dedicated completely to shopping.  The exhibition hall where all the vendors are opens at 4p and we are there, ready to shop till we drop.  Why?  Because we are girls…NERDY girls.  And Comicon is the perfect place for us to get our nerdy shopping on.  We actually have certain vendors that we repeatedly shop and search out before we even get there so we know where there booths are.  I mean, come on…there are not a lot of places for girls to get things like nerdy jewelry and purses and such like Comicon.  The exhibition hall is HUGE.  It actually takes us quite a while to get through all the vendors and artists, so that is why we dedicate that first day to just that…shopping.  This year, we were completely oblivious to a major incident that occurred while we were in our shopping haze.  Apparently, this year, someone had a BIG problem with The Green Power Ranger.

There we were, just minding our own business, wandering around fulfilling our nerdy little shopping desires, when my phone started vibrating in my pocket.  I pull it out and notice that it is BFF’s Momma.  I was actually quite a bit freaked out by this.  Why would her Momma be calling me and not BFF?  What was happening?  Who died?  Is the world ending?  Is the zombie apocalypse starting and here we are stuck in the vendor hall with all these people and no escape?  Are we going to get eaten? All these questions frantically ran through my brain as I went to answer the phone.  In my panicked state that the world was possibly ending, I actually hung up on her Momma and never even got to hear if they were under zombie attack.  Luckily, BFF had seen it was her Momma calling when I pulled out my phone and started calling her back right away.  My sense of panic rising that maybe the zombie virus had, in fact, been let loose and we were going to need an escape route, I then started scanning for our quickest route out of the nerdy shopping heaven.  I had already decided who we could shove in the way of the zombies so that we could get out.  The dude dressed as Link would be useful with his bow and arrow, so he could tag along.  But the kid dressed as Iron Man…nope.  I am so shoving him in front of a zombie so we can escape.  I mean, what good is a plastic mask and a puffed up suit to look like muscle?   Nothing I tell you when it comes to a zombie eating his face or mine.  That fake Iron Man has no value in the zombie apocalypse unless he somehow turns into the real Iron Man.  Then I am catching a lift for BFF and me out of there.  Also the first to go?  The gal dressed as Princess Peach from Super Mario Brothers.  Useless. The big poufy dress might help slow some zombies down but I assure you, unless she has weapons stored under that hoop skirt, she is a goner.

Luckily, as BFF was talking to her Momma, I realized I could stop planning our escape route as I heard her say “No we are fine.  Why?  What is going on? Nope.  We haven’t heard anything about that and we haven’t been evacuated and nobody looks like they know.  Huh.  That is weird.  Is everything else ok?  No, Momma, we really are ok but we will let you know.”  She hung up the phone with a puzzled expression on her face.  Her Momma had called because she heard on the TV that a shooter had been taken down at Comicon and arrested.  Well, whew.  At least it wasn’t zombies.  That would be worse.  We looked around to see if anyone had any clue that this was happening.  Nope.  In the vendor hall, it was business as usual, with all sorts of other nerds wandering around in their nerdy shopping haze.  Hmmmm.  We quickly got on social media and indeed saw that a dude who thought he was The Punisher had brought a bag full of guns to Comicon to apparently kill the actor who plays The Green Power Ranger.  Why the Green Power Ranger?  What had he done to him?  Had he used the wrong color powers?  Was the Green Power Ranger inherently evil and I didn’t know it?  Wait…did he have the zombie virus and this Punisher dude was trying to protect us?  I am still unsure if we ever got the answers to these questions, but at least they got him subdued and arrested before anyone at Con was actually hurt.  I still wonder what The Green Power Ranger ever did to this dude to make him want to actually kill him.  After the phone call from BFF’s Momma and reading about it on social media, BFF and I decided the nerdy shopping heaven would wait.  We peaced out and went back to our hotel.  Also, I was still concerned that maybe the Green Power Ranger was a code for zombie apocalypse and needed a better escape plan anyways for the next day.  Priorities man.

 

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that while in the nerdy shopping heaven, you can plan a good escape route in case the zombie apocalypse does start while you are there, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl still curious about what the Green Power Ranger ever did to deserve almost dying Running.  The experiment continues…

It Isn’t a Family Reunion Without Hatchet Throwing


As you read last time, my family reunions are always one that bring the unexpected and some hilarious moments.  Most of our activities are unplanned, like 15 of us taking up an entire row at the movies to see Jurassic World, or the epic Cards Against Humanity game.  I am always amazed that we can find the most bizarre and often country things to do.  My family is always what I describe as “country” and for those who don’t know, yes there IS a difference between “country” and “redneck”.  BFF didn’t believe me till she looked online and found out I (for once) was right.  Go ahead and GTS that and see for yourself.  So being we were out near my Aunty T’s farm, I knew things might get a little crazy and sure enough, one night there was a wholesome family activity of hatchet throwing.  Yup.  You read that right…hatchet throwing.  What?  Your family doesn’t do this at their family reunion?  Apparently ours does…

I am not sure how the subject even came up but all of a sudden, my Daddy is pulling out a homemade target in the outline of a human for people to throw the hatchet at…wait…..are we preparing for the zombie apocalypse or training a bunch of murderers?  Either way, this skill might prove handy someday.  I mean, you never know during the zombie outbreak when throwing a hatchet might come in handy.  It is quiet, and would take the head shot needed to kill a zombie without attracting other zombies.  So, I was all for watching and learning how to throw the hatchet.  The enthusiasm with which my family embraced this activity without any qualms was a little frightening.  Maybe they all want to be prepared for when the zombie plague happens as well.  Either that or there will soon be a rash outbreak of murder by hatchets in Iowa and we will know who is to blame.  Despite my thoughts of what might possibly be wrong with my family, I proceeded to watch and join in on the hatchet throwing.

My Daddy showing the rest of us how to get the perfect head shot on a zombie...I mean hit the target
My Daddy showing the rest of us how to get the perfect head shot on a zombie…I mean hit the target

Now, this hatchet throwing was not just for the older generation.  We even decided to let the little ones give it a go and throw the hatchet at the human target.  Hey…they need to learn how to defend themselves too ya know.  I mean, I don’t want my little cousins not knowing how to get out of a zombie jam if they can’t help it.  It is a vital concern.  The kids were surprisingly good, each hitting the target quite violently with their first try.  I was not so lucky….I finally hit the target the 3rd time, but not nearly with the anger or velocity as my baby cousins.  Guess I need to channel some of their energy into my throwing.  I was surprised, actually, at how hard it was to hit the target so I need to obviously practice on my head shots so I can survive.

My sweet baby cousin (also my mini-me) showin g us all how it is done with one throw.  I want her on my apocalypse team....
My sweet baby cousin (also my mini-me) showing us all how it is done with one throw. I want her on my apocalypse team….

Pretty soon, this happened.  I will just leave it there.  The pic really speaks for itself.  Prepared family I tell ya.

I have no words....I love the boys in our family
I have no words….I love the boys in our family

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however contemplate planning future family activities vs letting us come up with our own since we do things like train our children to be dead shots with a hatchet.  I am Fat Girl with a hatchet throwing, gun-toting kind of family reunion Running.  The experiment continues…

I Have A Clone And She Is Stocking Up On Toilet Paper


Went to work the other night and my co-workers tell me that my bank called me to discuss charges on my account.  Yup…I was hacked into.  Upon looking at my account online, I discover that there are charges made in Santa Clarita, CA.  Suck.  So I called the bank to discuss the charges.  The gal on the phone asks me which ones are not mine and we do what we need to do to close the debit card.  Next morning, I get another call from the bank that more charges have been made to my account so I call.  Luckily these were denied.  In talking with the guy on the phone he asks me if I am sure the charges for $250 to a CVS are not mine.  Ok, buddy, first of all, what the hell do you buy at a CVS for $250?  Pretty sure I don’t need that much eyeliner, toilet paper or bandages unless I am stockpiling stuff.  Hmmmmm….toilet paper would be a good thing to stockpile for that impending zombie apocalypse though.  I have such a fear of running out of toilet paper. I would hate to be having a zombie crisis AND a dirty bum.  Just saying.  Then he asks me if the $30 charge to KFC in Flagstaff on the same day is mine.  Sigh.  I hang my head in shame and whisper yes.  In my defense, the bucket of chicken was for a potluck at work. Any good Iowa girl brings bucket o’ chicken to a potluck.  That and Mountain Dew.  And my car still smells like bucket o’ chicken days later.  But since I made a charge in Flagstaff at the same time as the charge in California, pretty sure the latter is not mine unless my cloning project has finally worked.  I mean I could have sent my clone out to CVS to stock up on toilet paper.  She would not want a dirty bum either or want to drip dry after peeing.  Ew.  It’s the little things you worry about after all when there is an apocalypse of any kind.  I could be the queen of toilet paper after the apocalypse hits and make tons of money on it since no one will have any.  This is a new thought.  I did ask the bank guy if he thought my clone was stocking up on toilet paper at CVS, then heading to Rite Aid (the 2nd charge) for more, making a stop at Petsmart for $150 in Ninja Kitten food along the way (the 3rd charge) and finally stopping at RedBox for a movie (the 4th charge) to enjoy amongst all the toilet paper and cat food she had acquired.  He got very quiet and obviously contemplated the scenario before laughing and decidedly spitting whatever he was drinking out before he answered me that it could be a possibility.  I just hope my clone tells me where she stashed it all.  I told him when the zombies strike, that I would give him a free roll of toilet paper.  On the house.

My clone could have a cool uniform while stocking up on TP. Minus the evil that comes with following a Sith Lord.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today.  I did discover I have a clone in California who apparently likes to shop at pharmacies for her needs but didn’t die.  I am fat girl stocking up on toilet paper running.  The experiment continues….