Coming Soon….

Ever put so much work into something that when you are done, you feel a sense of relief?  That is how I felt when I turned in my latest manuscript into Boss Bean.  And not the rough draft, but the final draft.  There is something so satisfying when you finish up a project you have worked so hard on.  I know it must seem so easy.  Just copy and paste my old blogs into a word document and BOOM!  Book done.  Unfortunately, that is no how it works.  I wish it was, but nope.  Let me give you a little glimpse of how it really works.

Yes, I do some copy and pasting of my old blogs to a word document.  But that is not all of it.  I also write originals for the books, the tips, and I have to re-read and perfect the blog posts I already wrote.  This takes quite a bit of time and I even start hating every single word I have written.  Once I have everything written, I then send it off to Boss Bean, who sends it off to my editor.  This is where it got different for me this time.  I have a new editor and he is amazeballs!  First off, he does not normally read my stuff, so he was the perfect person to edit it all.  Second, he is British.  Which, proved to be somewhat challenging in itself.  Why?  Because he did not always understand all of my cultural references, or Americana, as he called it.  Hmmmm.  I guess I never thought about the fact that my readers across the pond might not understand everything I talk about.  After the manuscript gets turned into your editor, you wait.  Waiting is the hardest part.

And then…the email appeared.  Let me tell you something about editors.  Editors are like teachers.  Imagine turning in to your teacher a paper you have written, that you have worked on for a long time, slaved over even, and thinking it was the bomb paper.  Then, you get the paper back from the teacher and it looks like a murder scene has taken place on the paper, there is so much red pen everywhere.  I mean, did you even write a paper?  This is what it is like for an author every time you get your first draft back from your editor.  Want to know what that feels like?  It feels like crap.  Total crap.  You sit there, looking at all the comments in the margins, all the red marks throughout your writing, and you feel like total crap.  You might even want to give up at this point.  I know I did.  But instead, I read the corrections, I made some, chose to ignore others, and took the time to explain the Americana references.  One thing my editor really did for me which I am super glad for:  he made my grammar so much better!  I feel like a super duper smarty pants now that I speak good.   Also, I apparently use the term “for reals” a lot. For reals.

The next step is the most exciting,  My editor formatted the new book and changed it up!  You guys, I have to tell you how excited I am about this book.  It looks different, it feels different, and it will appeal to a lot more people who might not have discovered me.  I cannot wait to see it in my hands.  I have seen the proofs but to see it in print is a whole different monster.  I am more proud of this book than the others because it really is better.  My writing is better and my grammar is quite British….just kidding.  I hope you guys like it as much as I do.  In the mean time, I shall tease you with this cute graphic that the author Sara Ney made for me (it pays to have other author friends).  Feel free to share this around!


Oh yeah. I didn’t die today.  I did however show you how painful of a process writing a book can be, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a British editor who made me speak gooder Running.  The experiment continues….


The Reason For the Hiatus

I realized today how much I needed to tell you all because I have had a month-long hiatus from blogging.  Why?  Because I had a deadline for Book 3 to make and it took all my energy.  But I am happy to report that Book 3 is now in the hands of Boss Bean!!  Can I get a HOLLA!!!!  Such a relief.  You would think it would be easy with all the blogging I do, but it isn’t at all.  So much time is spent picking the blogs, editing, and writing the extras….ok wait.  Let me explain what really happens when I go to write because it is nothing like you think.

Most people imagine that writers have this special writing space all carved out and they just sit and ideas magically flow from their fingertips for hours on end without any interruptions.  Not this gal.  For example, right now, I am stretched out on my couch, laptop on my lap and watching The Amazing Race on Amazon Prime as I write.  Sometimes I go to Barnes and Noble, sometimes I go to my office, sometimes I am at work.  But I can’t just sit down and make magic with my fingertips (wow…that sounded way dirtier than I intended.).  The creative process is actually quite complicated for me.  It involves many factors like screwing around on the internet, eating my weight in snacks and staring at an empty page for hours.  This is really how it goes.

This is so true
This is so true

I really do have good intentions when I sit down to write.  I gather the necessities:  drink, snacks, laptop, no pants…the very important essentials.  I open up my computer and try to get started.  Staring into space or at the page happens first for sure.  Trying to find words.  And then something exciting happens on The Amazing Race or I decide I need to check Facebook.  Because those are way more exciting than writing.  You know I am right.  And then of course I see something like a quiz on Facebook or I need to google something that relates to midget porn (because this might help me write you know…it is research I swear).  This is gonna require some time to get through this quiz or “research” before I can start writing again.  You never know…this might lead to another quiz because I really do need to know which Disney character I am or if I can master the hardest Disney quiz around (you know I can). Then let’s “research” some more with some popcorn.  Cuz don’t you watch your internet porn with popcorn?  Maybe I am “researching” how to have magic at my fingertips.  You don’t know.  Don’t judge. Finally, after much fucking around on the interwebs, I will get back to writing.  Then I read what I have written and erase the whole thing cuz it sucks.  Then I will have to go check Facebook again or play a game on my phone or pee or eat….anything but write.  So then I will stare at the empty page and say “Fuck it.” and close up the computer.  A few moments later, I will get an idea, open the laptop and the whole process begins again.  Yup this is my reality.

You know what really works for me?  The pressure of a deadline or BFF yelling at me to get the damn book done before we go on vacation (wait till you see those blogs and the snapchat videos….hysterical).  That is what really and ultimately worked.  So there you have it.  How I really write.  Even writing this blog took me 2 hours because I was screwing around on Facebook and watching Survivor and doing “research”.  It happens.  I am sure other writers will agree with me.  Sometimes we are brilliant and we cannot stop writing, other days we walk away saying “Fuck it”.  Look for Book 3 Dec 30th and more blogs to catch you up on my life for the last month!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did, however, complete book 3 despite the screwing around I did and I am back to blogging!  I am Fat Girl gonna go some “research” on magic with my fingertips Running.  The experiment continues…

I Have Found What I am Good at….Procrastinating

I have found a new talent.  One I am so good at I could gold medal in it if it were an Olympic sport.  The art of procrastinating.   I mean I truly excel at this.  Even now I am supposed to be writing and editing for the second book and here I am writing about how I have been procrastinating for the last two hours instead of actually working on my book.  Sigh.  I try…I really do.  Just so many things come up to distract me since I have the attention span of a gnat.  Let’s discuss the ways I find to procrastinate.  This diagram is perfect for me:

This is so how I do it
This is so how I do it

So let’s start at the very beginning. A very good place to start….wait….those are song lyrics.  See…attention span of a gnat. I have every intention of working.  I get out my laptop.  I put on a movie I have seen a million times over (Pitch Perfect is a favorite to write to lately.  Tonight I chose Say Anything because who doesn’t love Lloyd Dobbler?).  I open up the rough draft and suddenly the above diagram takes place.  First up is usually Binge Eating.  Why?  Because somehow, even if I have just eaten dinner, my stomach decides it needs to eat.  And not healthy food either…Nope.  Skittles are usually the first thing I reach for because I think I can eat just a few.  Who the eff am I kidding?  The whole bag will disappear while I watch the movie I put on because I didn’t need to watch it while the computer sits there staring evilly at me.  I might move on to popcorn or ice cream next as I still feel the need to eat.  If I am eating, then my fingers can’t type.  Sigh.  This also usually involves several trips to the kitchen where I will repeatedly open the pantry, fridge and freezer in hopes that the contents have changed in the last few minutes and I will find something new to snack on.  Why do I stand there and stare at the contents?  Are they going to magically change into an unlimited supply of original Skittles (the REAL ones not those gross green apple ones they call original)?  Probably not, but let me look one last time…

Discouraged Napping usually occurs after I have stuffed myself so full of junk that I am now sleepy.  Add into that the fact that I am usually dressed in comfy sweats and covered up with a soft blanket on my couch that eats my soul and it is warm…and pretty soon my eyes will start to threaten to close.  I mean, I don’t need to pay attention to the movie I am “not” watching, right?  And maybe an idea will come to me in a dream.  Or maybe a nap will revitalize me and I will feel like writing since I can’t seem to get motivated.  So if I let me eyes close for just a few minutes…it won’t hurt right?  Pretty soon I am nodding off and sliding down into a perfect napping position on the Evil Couch.  A two hour coma later and I decided it is time to move on to the next step in the pie chart.

Ok…self, I usually say.  Let’s do this.  You have a deadline to make.  Laptop open.  Rough draft in front of me.  Here we go.  Wait.  I haven’t checked out what had been happening on Facebook since I took a nap.  That won’t take long.  Here is where Random Internet Surfing starts.  It starts with a “quick” check of Facebook.  It will then move on to taking random quizzes for fun, messing around on Pintrest, answering email, playing a game or two, watching midget porn, looking up random facts about porn…you name it, the internet is way to get lost for several hours.  And this will inevitably lead back to eating….because that is what Fat Girls do.  Eventually, the internet or the midget porn or the movie I am “not” watching will give me the one thing I am looking for…Inspiration.

Inspiration will get me going  and then the actual work will start.  Like tonights blog for example…I got my inspiration from my own procrastination.  And here I am writing for you all and hopefully this will lead to finishing up some writing for the second book.  Of course lots of times I look at the clock and go “Holy poop…look at how late it is!”  Luckily, being a night owl does have its advantages.  I do some of my best work late at night.  Of course that usually leads to napping during the day…see how this is a vicious cycle of procrastination.  One I assure you I excel at like no other.  I mean, I have just spent the last two hours writing about procrastinating…gold medal worthy for real.  And why are there no Skittles in my house?  Maybe if I go check the pantry one last time…

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did do my usual procrastinating when it comes to me having to do something like write my book and get it to my publisher on time but I didn’t die.  I m Fat Girl gonna go Random Internet Surfing now because I need to find more midget porn Running.  The experiment continues…