I am back from the most awesome
ninja nerdfest that was Phoenix Comicon…what a geeky fun-filled weekend it was. Pretty sure nerdgasms were had (Wil Wheaton!!), pants were peed a little (Wil Wheaton!) and my legs felt like I had walked a million miles but it was all so worth it! I also witnessed some things that were shocking, appalling and down right gross. This leads me to the Fat Girl’s Rules For Attending Comicon.
- Don’t Be The Mayor Of Poopsville. Who is this mayor you ask? The guy who we had the unfortunate experience of sitting next to during The Walking Dead panel. Thank goodness he left before TNG because I am sure that we could not have stood his stench for much longer. I don’t care how much time you spend holed up in your room gaming, reading comics, watching midget porn on the internet, or watching your favorite geeky shows. Let’s spend a few minutes on some personal hygiene please. For the sake of all the thousands of people around you at Comicon, we do not need to get nauseated sitting next to you. Pretty sure I thought poor BFF who had food poisoning the night before but still dragged her butt to go see TNG was gonna hurl when he sat next to her. We quickly traded seats. Seriously, the stench was like he was rotting from the inside out. A few minutes taking a shower, using deodorant, and putting on clean clothes might actually get you laid Buddy. Instead we all just made fun of you, tried not to hurl, and had to all sit really close together so that your stench would not invade our group. We also made the last person who arrived in our group ultimately sit next to him. Punishment for making us save you a seat. This leads me to rule number 2….
- Don’t Be The Last In Your Group To Arrive For A Panel. Why? Because you get seated next to The Mayor Of Poopsville. See rule number 1.
- An Eye Patch Does Not Make A Bikini/Costume. I understand the fun of dressing up for Comicon. We all do it. We were all of our geeky t-shirts and plan our costumes so when we are all together it makes sense. It’s part of the fun of Comicon. Truly I get wearing a costume. However, let’s keep in mind that CHILDREN also attend these events and your costume should be family oriented. Yes…lady who was wearing an eye patch as a bikini and it barely covered her coochie let alone her nipples…I am talking to you! Walking around with 4 boys at the Comicon made me even more aware of your butt crack, coochie, and nipples hanging out. Also, saran wrap…..really? How is this a costume? And pretty sure my retinas are severely burned from the man in a speedo, blue cape and some sort of trifecta symbol SHAVED into his immensely hairy body. Yes you read that right. Shaved. He was even passing out kleenex and lotion. So gross. My niece saw him, immediately turned to me and stated “I like girls now”. So don’t blame her. So let’s try to make it a fun family event for all and not gross me out or make me quickly slap my hands over the 11 year old’s eyes as they pop out from the amount of boobies and side butt he was seeing. Also, this makes me ponder on those people who wore the same costume for the entire 3.5 days of Comicon….did they wash them in between? Personal hygiene is important people even to geeks and nerds. Really, if you have good personal hygiene it really might get you laid. If you can smell your own stench, you might need a shower. Again…see rule number 1.
- Plan Out Your Agenda For Comicon Ahead Of Time. This one is important for first time attendees. Seriously. It can be a little overwhelming to be in a crowd of 30,000 trying to figure out what you are going to next, how to get there, where to eat, what that stench is next to you, and getting there so you don’t have to sit next to the Mayor Of Poopsville (see rule number 1). We bring snacks, drinks, jackets (the temp gets to be below sub arctic in the rooms) and practice our potty runs to time them. Truly we scope out where the potties are before hand so we can get there quickly and get back and not have to sit in the dreaded seat next to The Mayor Of Poopsville. We did think about catheter bags but that was a little hard-core. Also, in sitting for long periods of time, you must practice your mad lunging skills to avoid a DVT. Bubby’s Pocket GF has some seriously mad skills in this area. She was even practicing lunging while asking a question. She is hard-core I tell you. She could kill you if she lunged on your neck. BFF even offered her money to do it. Mad skills. Planning way ahead of time is really necessary to get great seats to see the ones you want to see. For example, we got to the ballroom at 10 am to see the TNG panel at 1:30 pm. Yup, we had a great time listening to Ed Asner, Jon Bernthal from The Walking Dead and avoiding the unwashed stench that made us giggle uncontrollably for several minutes just to get to ensure our 12th row seats to see TNG (Wil Wheaton!). TOTALLY WORTH IT. Hearing LeVar Burton sing Reading Rainbow twice in 2 days…..priceless. We also enjoyed the giant belly laugh of who I am certain was Santa in one panel just to get good seats for Eureka (Wil Wheaton!). Who laughs like Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho so loud? The whole group of us could not stop laughing and I had tears running down my face at the whole thing. I mean honestly. Santa must love Comicon as well as us.
And the LAST, FINAL AND ULTIMATE rule is this: YOU MUST LOVE WIL WHEATON! Do I need to say more? Pretty sure I don’t. You just must
stalk love him. Some call it stalking….I call it love.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I almost died this weekend from the amount of fun or from the stench of some people but I didn’t die. I am fat girl who didn’t need bail money this weekend for stalking Wil Wheaton running. The experiment continues….