Some Call It Stalking. I Call It Love. The Annual Encounter With Wil Wheaton (@wilw)

As you may all know, every year I go to the ultimate ninja nerdfest that is Phoenix Comicon to hone my ever powerful ninja nerdy Fat Girl skills.  This year was no different.  One of the reasons I go is because…yes…you guessed it…Wil Wheaton.  I mean come on…who wouldn’t be excited to be in the same building as Wil Wheaton?  Bubby’s Pocket GF also shares the obsession love that BFF and I have for Wil and it was her goal this year to get his autograph.  A few days before we left to go down to the sweltering abyss that is Phoenix, I decided to check out the prices of actually doing an official photo op with him and to my surprise it was quite affordable.  It was only $20 to be close enough to Wil to get a photo taken and we could get all four of us in the photo!!  WHAT??  Oh this was so happening.  We decided to see when he was doing photo ops so as to fit it into our schedule (remember you MUST plan out your con experience) but it was happening.  Oh yes.  It was happening.

We all venture into the cesspool that is Phoenix to make our nerd dreams come true and Thursday night we see that there is an opportunity for photos on Friday.  I check online and there it is…the opportunity of a few glorious minutes of our lives available for purchase for only $20.  It was quickly purchased and jumps in the air were achieved.  I believe a dance of joy even happened Fat Girl style.  I barely contain my excitement for Friday afternoon and as we got in line we were all excited to get to stand close to Wil Wheaton.  Standing in line was a whole different experience.  We spent some time discussing whether or not the girl directly across from us in line dressed as an avatar was covered in just body paint or a body stocking because it was hard to tell (for the record it was JUST body paint on the top and a painted body stocking on the bottom.  At least her nipples were covered).  Of course there were some parents of the year in front of us who allowed their child to run his tongue on the handrail repeatedly. Ew.  So gross.  They might have earned a spot on my list of worst parents.   And as if the child running his tongue on the handrail wasn’t bad enough, we actually witnessed the Mom flossing her teeth in line. Pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little bit.  Having never done an official photo op with anyone before (our other photo with Wil was done by the graciousness of his heart when he autographed photos for us), we were unsure what to expect.  Would we be herded through like cattle?  Would we get a photo with our eyes closed or a booger hanging out of our noses?  We were surprised they provided us with buckets to put our stuff in so our bag of sacks wouldn’t be in the picture and also a large mirror so we could check for hanging boogers or lunch in your teeth (I could have asked that gal in front of us to borrow her floss).  We rounded the corner and I saw him…WIL WHEATON…and realized I should have gone pee.  I was really hoping that I would not create a puddle near Wil’s feet as we take a photo. OMG…this was so happening. One last check of hair, teeth and noses and we were ready.

We walk up to Wil Wheaton and I immediately feel like my tongue has become glued to my mouth and no words are going to come out but my nervous hysterical giggle I get in such occasions just might make an appearance.  Oh great.  I am gonna look like a complete and total idiot giggling hysterically while peeing my pants.  Or my cheesy Fat Girl  Disney face might happen. Seriously.  I am hopeless.  At this point I am hoping I don’t trip, stutter, or accidentally grab his ass in an attempt to take a non cheesy picture.  Wil turns to me and BFF and says “Oh you two are the sparkliest superheroes ever!”  Then he spots Pocket GF, whose excitement has overcome her and she has approached with her hands over her ears barely containing her excitement and is speechless, and says “Are you ok?” Realizing that neither myself or Pocket GF has the ability to speak right at that moment besides maybe meowing in a desperate attempt at speech, BFF speaks up and says “It is the realization of a dream come true for her for the past two years to meet you.”  Wil, being the ever gracious man he is to his fans, says “Aren’t you adorable!” And then it happens.  Wil sticks out his hand and says to Pocket GF  “Hi! I’m Wil!” and shakes her hand.  It was all I could do right then not to do a Fat Girl Dance Of Joy for her.  Picture was taken and Wil again says what a pleasure our group was.  Trying to not look nerdy we all thank him and then Pocket GF and I jump up and down in true fan girl excitement and give a huge double high-five.  We might have been in full view of Wil Wheaton but we just didn’t care.  What just happened? The most incredible experience in all our lives is what!  And our picture shows it…thank goodness I didn’t pee.

See the McCheesy grins we all have...yup.  Nerd dreams come true
See the McCheesy grins we all have…yup. Nerd dreams come true.  Pretty sure he is lucky I didn’t grab his hand or his ass or giggle hysterically.

I cannot even begin to describe the gloriousness that this moment was but trust me in saying it was made of awesome sauce.  It will forever be a step closer to actually being able to use my mouth to form words to tell Wil Wheaton about my blog and how I stalk him sometimes in it.  Some call it stalking.  I call it love.  And now to wait another year…sigh.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today. Well, I almost did die of fan girl excitement in meeting Wil Wheaton (and yes I shamelessly tagged his twitter in an attempt to get him to read this) but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl having a truly nerdy dream come true and not peeing my pants while achieving it running.  The experiment continues…


Mean Girls On Aisle 2

There is this elusive animal at work.  It is one that always seems to be within my grasp but then sneaks away when I wasn’t looking.  I keep looking and hoping it will call my name to come and grab it, but lately (actually since Jan) it has not.  It is called standby.  For those of you not in the medical field, standby is when your patient census is down and you have too many nurses scheduled.  So, you are placed on standby for your shift meaning that you can get called in at any point but it also means you are possibly granted an extra night off.  I keep trying to get it, but the standby Gods just do not want to let me have it.  Either I am the only charge nurse on or there are too many patients.  So much for our normal slow summer.  When I got a message tonight offering me standby, I about squeed like a fan girl about to meet Wil Wheaton.  Yes, thank you, I will take this glorious elusive thing.  Once I finished doing the Fat Girl dance of joy (which might have looked like Chris Farley dancing), I had to decide what to do with an extra night off.  Sleeping is out of the question as I slept all day.  BFF is working so hanging out with her is also out. Hmmmm.  What to do.  Then it hit me!  Grocery shop.  Yup.  I am THAT exciting.

Grocery shopping when you are a Fat Girl can be both a nightmare and a secret joy.  I mean, I love food, so shopping for food can be a lot of fun. It’s like putting a drug addict in front of rows upon rows of their favorite drug and allowing them to have all they want.  That is what food is like to a Fat Girl, except you can’t live without food.  I have sometimes gone into the grocery store, drooling, the concoctions I can make running through my head.  And lets just say I am a really good cook, hence why I am fat.  So to go grocery shopping is quite fun and exciting for me.  Then I remembered that I am on a quest to not be fat.  Damn.  That means skipping over certain things in the store. Like chips, cookies, ice cream, candy (is Skittles a candy or just a food group?) and the baking aisle in general.  All those things that made me fat to begin with.  Ever notice when you are shopping as a Fat Girl, that sometimes you get those judgemental looks from people as they glance in your cart?  Like they expect to see that jumbo box of Twinkies in there but not the 2 liter of Diet Coke.  What?  Don’t you wash your sugar down with fake sugar?  Or they see all your junk food and I can see that they are thinking “No wonder you are fat.”  However, when you are a Fat Girl shopping on a diet, you STILL get those looks.  I literally saw and heard two little skinny bitches in the store look at all my healthy choices and snicker to themselves.  Really?  How is making healthy choices funny to them?  I could hear them making snide little comments about how my diet food was not gonna help and I should just reach for a bag of chocolate.  I finally turned around and said “Yeah.  I’m fat and on a diet.  What’s so funny about that?  At least I can change the fact that I am fat.  You, however, cannot change the fact that you are ugly girls on the inside.  And when your alcohol laden junk food filled STD catching years catch up with you and you gain 90 lbs, I call that Fat Girl Karma.  Because it WILL happen.  So take your skinny little asses away from me before I punch you in the vagina and give everyone else around here something to laugh at. ”  I turned around and kept walking to the applause of other shoppers, leaving the mean skinny girls to pick their jaws off the floor and quickly leave the store.  I mean, was there a reason for that except for they are mean girls?  Nope.  And this Fat Girl does not put up with mean girls.  I eat them for a snack.  Covered in caramel and dipped in chocolate thank you very much.  I hate mean girls.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however manage to maybe stay home for an extra night and avoid a vagina punching rampage on aisle 2.  I am fat girl who doesn’t take any sass from any skinny girls but instead spits them out cuz they taste bitter running.  The experiment continues….

The Fat Girl’s Rules For Attending Comicon

I am back from the most awesome ninja nerdfest that was Phoenix Comicon…what a geeky fun-filled weekend it was.  Pretty sure nerdgasms were had (Wil Wheaton!!), pants were peed a little (Wil Wheaton!) and my legs felt like I had walked a million miles but it was all so worth it!  I also witnessed some things that were shocking, appalling and down right gross.  This leads me to the Fat Girl’s Rules For Attending Comicon.

  1. Don’t Be The Mayor Of Poopsville.  Who is this mayor you ask?  The guy who we had the unfortunate experience of sitting next to during The Walking Dead panel.  Thank goodness he left before TNG because I am sure that we could not have stood his stench for much longer.  I don’t care how much time you spend holed up in your room gaming, reading comics, watching midget porn on the internet, or watching your favorite geeky shows. Let’s spend a few minutes on some personal hygiene please.  For the sake of all the thousands of people around you at Comicon, we do not need to get nauseated sitting next to you.  Pretty sure I thought poor BFF who had food poisoning the night before but still dragged her butt to go see TNG was gonna hurl when he sat next to her.  We quickly traded seats.  Seriously, the stench was like he was rotting from the inside out.  A few minutes taking a shower, using deodorant, and putting on clean clothes might actually get you laid Buddy. Instead we all just made fun of you, tried not to hurl, and had to all sit really close together so that your stench would not invade our group.  We also made the last person who arrived in our group ultimately sit next to him.  Punishment for making us save you a seat.  This leads me to rule number 2….
  2. Don’t Be The Last In Your Group To Arrive For A Panel.  Why?  Because you get seated next to The Mayor Of Poopsville.  See rule number 1.
  3. An Eye Patch Does Not Make A Bikini/Costume.  I understand the fun of dressing up for Comicon.  We all do it.  We were all of our geeky t-shirts and plan our costumes so when we are all together it makes sense.  It’s part of the fun of Comicon.  Truly I get wearing a costume.  However, let’s keep in mind that CHILDREN also attend these events and your costume should be family oriented.  Yes…lady who was wearing an eye patch as a bikini and it barely covered her coochie let alone her nipples…I am talking to you!  Walking around with 4 boys at the Comicon made me even more aware of your butt crack, coochie, and nipples hanging out.  Also, saran wrap…..really?  How is this a costume?  And pretty sure my retinas are severely burned from the man in a speedo, blue cape and some sort of trifecta symbol SHAVED into his immensely hairy body.  Yes you read that right.  Shaved.  He was even passing out kleenex and lotion.  So gross.  My niece saw him, immediately turned to me and stated “I like girls now”.  So don’t blame her.  So let’s try to make it a fun family event for all and not gross me out or make me quickly slap my hands over the 11 year old’s eyes as they pop out from the amount of boobies and side butt he was seeing.  Also, this makes me ponder on those people who wore the same costume for the entire 3.5 days of Comicon….did they wash them in between? Personal hygiene is important people even to geeks and nerds.  Really, if you have good personal hygiene it really might get you laid.  If you can smell your own stench, you might need a shower.  Again…see rule number 1.
  4. Plan Out Your Agenda For Comicon Ahead Of Time.  This one is important for first time attendees.  Seriously.  It can be a little overwhelming to be in a crowd of 30,000 trying to figure out what you are going to next, how to get there, where to eat, what that stench is next to you, and getting there so you don’t have to sit next to the Mayor Of Poopsville (see rule number 1). We bring snacks, drinks, jackets (the temp gets to be below sub arctic in the rooms) and practice our potty runs to time them.  Truly we scope out where the potties are before hand so we can get there quickly and get back and not have to sit in the dreaded seat next to The Mayor Of Poopsville.  We did think about catheter bags but that was a little hard-core.  Also, in sitting for long periods of time, you must practice your mad lunging skills to avoid a DVT.  Bubby’s Pocket GF has some seriously mad skills in this area.  She was even practicing lunging while asking a question.  She is hard-core I tell you.  She could kill you if she lunged on your neck.  BFF even offered her money to do it.  Mad skills.  Planning way ahead of time is really necessary to get great seats to see the ones you want to see.  For example, we got to the ballroom at 10 am to see the TNG panel at 1:30 pm.  Yup, we had a great time listening to Ed Asner, Jon Bernthal from The Walking Dead and avoiding the unwashed stench that made us giggle uncontrollably for several minutes just to get to ensure our 12th row seats to see TNG (Wil Wheaton!).  TOTALLY WORTH IT.  Hearing LeVar Burton sing Reading Rainbow twice in 2 days…..priceless.  We also enjoyed the giant belly laugh of who I am certain was Santa in one panel just to get good seats for Eureka (Wil Wheaton!).  Who laughs like Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho so loud?  The whole group of us could not stop laughing and I had tears running down my face at the whole thing.  I mean honestly.  Santa must love Comicon as well as us.

And the LAST, FINAL AND  ULTIMATE rule is this:  YOU MUST LOVE WIL WHEATON! Do I need to say more?  Pretty sure I don’t.  You just must stalk love him.  Some call it stalking….I call it love.

I cannot wait……another chance to stalk….errrr see Wil Wheaton

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I almost died this weekend from the amount of fun or from the stench of some people but I didn’t die.  I am fat girl who didn’t need bail money this weekend for stalking Wil Wheaton running.  The experiment continues….

Let The Ultimate Ninja….errrr…Geek Fest Commence!

Warning to my readers:  I will be too busy this weekend to blog.  Too busy?  What?  Why you ask?  Where could the fat girl be going?  To the ultimate ninja geek convention…Phoenix Comic Con.  Yup, there I will join other nerds, geeks and dweebs as we scream and rush Wil Wheaton (ok maybe only BFF, Bubby’s Pocket GF and I will do this) commence with bladder training as we camp out to see the cast from TNG, and adorn various costumes that will seem quite normal to us in the geekdom.  Pretty sure I would always dress like Wonder Woman if I could get away with it but I chose to leave that outfit for the bedroom.

What I think I look like in my Wonder Woman costume
What I really look like in my Wonder Woman outfit…not the piece of pizza that always accompanies a fat WW!

Pretty sure it will be the best weekend of Nerdiness of the year.  Here you can see the well sought after but painfully shy geeks come out of their shell as they all flock to the desert to mate which you can tell by the squees of joy that erupt from fan girl and boys as they realize they are not alone in their love for Batman, HP, gaming and all things nerdy.  It is quite the experience if you have never been.  Last year I felt like the normal girl not dressed up but I embraced my inner nerdiness by dressing up for Geek Prom in my Kaylee from Firefly outfit (which yes is packed already for this year).

The cast of Firefly….we shall be returning this year as well! Goram right!

So I shall leave you dear readers for the sweltering heat that is Phoenix…although we seem to freeze in the convention center.  Is it really necessary to have sub arctic temperatures inside?  I mean we had to wear jackets and it was 200 degrees outside!  Thank goodness I wore capris and not shorts cuz I would have been shivering.  Pretty funny though to see Bubby in his Pocket GF’s jacket cuz he was so cold.  That was classic I might say.  This year we are prepared with jackets, a backpack cooler for snacks and drinks to camp out with and even thought about foley catheters to help us out. I for one don’t wanna be the one girl who misses Wil Wheaton because I had to pee for goodness sake.  I would rather deal with a code Wet Pants than that (the original code WP story for another time).   See you when my inner geek is satisfied.  Oh.  And if you hear of Wil Wheaton having a stalker and get a call from me in jail, let’s forget about the whole incident shall we?

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I packed my comic shirts and super hero duds for the most awesome weekend of ninja geek conventions but I didn’t die.  I am fat girl trying not to get arrested as I cut off a piece of Wil Wheaton’s hair so I can clone him and have like ten thousand of his babies running.  The experiment continues….