What way? The Wilder way!

We all know my struggles with weight loss. I mean I have been on every diet known to man I swear. I feel my whole life has been a struggle to get weight off and keep it off. It is a real issue. I have such a love/hate with food. I love to eat it and I hate that it makes me gain weight. Some people feel food is an addiction and for the longest time, I felt that is what my problem was…I was addicted to food. What I didn’t realize is that I was actually addicted to something else…sugar. You may think I am full of crap, but read on. You will understand as I explain my road on the Wilder Way.

What way you ask? The Wilder Way! Back in May, I decided to try out an 8 week challenge to kick start my weight loss yet again. My friends had all been talking about how author Jasinda Wilder was coming out with a weight loss book and how they were going to try it out. I admit, I was curious since I am always looking for a new way to try and lose my stoob. I joined Jasinda’s online support group on Facebook and started reading about what she has coined the Wilder Way. I mean she looks amazeballs with losing the equivalent to a whole person. For reals. There has to be something to it if she has lost that much weight, right? I ordered the book, Big Girls Do It Running, which sounded perfect for this Fat Girl Running and started reading. 8 weeks? I can do that. That is nothing. Then I got to the part where Jasinda explains about sugar and sugar addiction. Nah. That can’t be me. I am not addicted to sugar. I hardly eat sweets. Nope. She totally is not speaking to me.  I kept reading and got the basics. The first 4 weeks of the challenge you slowly cut out sugar from your diet and detox from it. The next 4 you learn all about good fats and carbs and how to carb cycle. It sounded super interesting and something I could do. But I was still convinced I was not addicted to sugar.

This book changed my life. For reals.

I started the challenge and found it to be pretty easy. I can do this. Cutting out sugar slowly meant I had to make different food/drink choices. But I was ready for this. I needed this. Was I addicted to sugar? Nah. Not me. Then the headaches started. About week 3 I was plagued with 3 to 4 days of solid headaches, some even migraines. It was awful. The headaches were rancid and I could not figure out why until I read in the book about the signs of sugar detox. The first one? Headaches. Huh. After those 3-4 days, the headaches went away and I had more energy. I was sleeping better. My skin looked amazing. I felt so much better. Hmmmm.  After 4 weeks, I was sugar free and have not looked back. Maybe there was something to this sugar addiction Jasinda was talking about. I was sugar addicted and did not even realize it.

After I became sugar free, the weight started coming off. I started learning about good carbs and good fats and how to switch foods up to carb cycle. Jasinda uses plate colors to help you figure this out. White plates for meals with carbs and lean proteins, black plates for no carbs and full fats (including ice cream and chocolate made with stevia!).  It was the easiest thing I have ever done. BFF has even figured out what color plate I am eating when we go out or when she looks at my lunch. It is that easy. I swear it is. 

Example of a white plate meal. Salmon with cornmeal and seasonings, sprouted brown rice and peas. Yes. I made this.

I completed the 8 weeks and kept going. Weight keeps steadily coming off and I didn’t even have to change my lifestyle that much. I have found the Wilder Way to be the easiest and most flexible eating plan I have ever been on. Hands down. I honestly don’t think I ever realized how much sugar was in the foods that I was eating. I never stopped to read labels before and now I am. I no longer buy foods that contain sugar or drink soda. I don’t eat fast food like I used to eat it and I don’t even crave it. I am fuller when I eat. I cook! I rediscovered my love of cooking with the Wilder Way and making dinner is now a pleasure. I can still eat out. I am even training for a 5k! My initial dream of doing the Tinker bell 5k at Disneyland is probably going to happen. All because of the Wilder Way. Jasinda has changed the way I look at food and I am almost 15 pounds down (should be by next week) in 12 weeks now. That is about a pound a week which is a good healthy weight loss. Last night I did a Naked Dance of Joy when my towel closed all the way around me. Epic Naked Dance of Joy I tell you. All because a towel fit all the way around me without showing a big chunk of skin. It is the little things.

So check it out. Take the Wilder Way challenge. Become sugar free. I promise to keep you updated on my progress if you keep me updated on yours.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I realized I was sugar addicted but didn’t die. I am sugar free Fat Girl on the Wilder Way Running. The experiment continues…

On Becoming a Hamster and Taking It One Stair At a Time

If you follow me on Snapchat (user name:  ladymiryaa), then you know I have been trying to walk every day that I am not working as part of the Mission To Fit Better Into My Pants.  Now that it is winter here in the mountains of Arizona, it makes it harder to walk outside since it is like 15 degrees in the morning.  Yeah so not happening.  I don’t need to be a Fat Girl popsicle.  So, I had to figure out a way to get my walk in even though it was cold enough outside to freeze my boogers.

When I trained for The 3 Day walk, I ran into this problem as well when the weather was bad.  Back then, I had a YMCA membership so I used to go walk on the treadmill for hours (omg….boring as fuck) but once in awhile, I switched it up and went to the local University and walked the concourse in the Dome.  I am not gonna lie, going around and around in a giant circle is also boring as fuck, but a little Pitbull on my playlist and I can do 2 miles without going out of my mind too bad.  Plus I Snapchat while I walk and these can be pretty amusing.  I feel a bit like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round for no apparent reason, but I know that I cannot sit around all winter as well.  I needs to fit into my pants…when I wear them.  So, today, I dragged my flass off the sofa and went to become a hamster for 30-45 minutes.

Now, having gone several times now since winter started, I have noticed a few things.  There are others who come to also be hamsters.  Some of them wear weight vests (why is this even an option?), some run the concourse and some run up and down the stadium stairs.  Now, being a Fat Hamster, I just walk around the Wheel till my 2 miles are done…sometimes I watch all the other hamsters and wonder how in the world they can do the things they are doing.  I got there today and started my hamster trail, tunes beating out my pace, and catching glimpses of what appeared to be some sort of girl’s athletic team doing a workout down on the field as I rounded the corners.  As I was being a hamster, I started wondering if I could actually run up and down the stadium stairs.  I was totally afraid of dying trying to do those stairs and not being found until some janitor came and swept me into the trash. I contemplated it for a few laps and then decided to try it since there were currently no other hamsters there to stop and gawk at the Fat one trying to not be Fat.  Going down stairs is a little harder for me as I am terrified I will fall down them so that was a little slow, but then I turned around and ran….yes ran…up the stairs.  I got to the top, winded, and turned around and did it again…because I don’t want to be the Fat hamster.  Taking a deep breath, I ran back up.  I felt like I was gonna die by the time I was done.  My legs were rubbery and my lungs on fire.  But I did it.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Then I kept on being a hamster…although quite a bit slower.

Once my lungs didn’t feel like it burned to take a breath, I could talk and not cough, I thought that maybe I should try that again.  As I rounded the corner where I had done the first set, I saw a group of college age dudes sitting there.  Well shit.  I don’t wanna be the Fat Girl Dying On The Stadium Bleachers in front of guys who will probably sit there and make Fat Girl jokes to each other.  So I kept walking.  As I continued on my trail aroud the Wheel, I thought about Whitney Way Thore, the star of My Big Fat Fabulous Life, and her No Body Shaming Campaign.  I am all about No Body Shaming, as we all are aware, and she inspires me with her Big Girls Dance Class and not being ashamed or afraid of her body.  As I came back around again, I decided “Fuck it.  I am gonna do it anyways.  Let them make all the comments they want.  I need to do this for me.”

Taking a deep breath, I walked right next to them and started down the stairs and back up.  A bit out of breath, I got to the top, avoiding looking at the guys and started back down.  As I tried running up the second time, my body started to protest and I stopped, breathing hard and really hoping I wouldn’t die right there on the stairs.  That is when it happened.  I had a silence in between songs and all of a sudden, I heard shouting.  I looked up and saw all the guys standing up shouting down at me.  I took out an earbud, cringing inside, really hoping there were not Fat Girl slurs being yelled at me.  What I heard, made me wanna cry.  They were CHEERING me on.  “Don’t Stop!”  “You got this!”  “You can do it!”  I stood there, still sucking air like a fish out of water, with a stunned shocked look on my face.  Then, they all jumped up and ran down to me, coaxing me to finish, pushing me to run up those stairs one more time. One of them said “We know you can do this and we are gonna do it with you!”  Tears started to form and a smile broke as I nodded (since I was still out of breath) and I RAN up those stairs with all those college boys cheering me on the entire way and running next to me, in front of me and behind me.  When I reached the top, there were high fives from all of them, even though I wanted to puke and die.  I looked at them in amazement and squeaked out a “Why?”  One of them smiled big and told me they had seen me over the last several weeks and watched me finish my last set and wanted me to know that I could do this.  No Fat Girl jokes.  No jeering.  No teasing.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I thanked them profusely (turns out they are members of the University football team) and they all encouraged me to come back and keep at it.  Oh I will college football dudes…I will keep being a hamster. And thank you.  Thank you for not body shaming me.  Because even a Fat Girl needs encouragement.

Sometimes you are a hamster….

Today, I encourage you to challenge yourself.  One stair at a time.  And don’t be ashamed if that is all you can do….one stair.  Because there is no body shaming here.  Just cheering.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today  I thought I was gonna die on the stadium stairs and be found at someo point by some janitor, swept up in the trash like the hamster I am but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who got some unexpected support from strangers who didn’t body shame Running.  The experiment continues….

Mission: To Fit Into Our Pants

Recently, I have been walking every day in an attempt to not be fat.  So far, I have not noticed a change in the numbers on my scale, but my clothes are fitting better so I guess that is good.  BFF has even been walking with her Momma every day.  We call it Mission: To Fit Into Our Pants.  I even live snap chat on my walks….maybe a prequel to trying a video blog?  If you don’t follow me on there you absolutely should….just look up my username of ladymiryaa and follow along.  I am pretty honest while I walk.  BFF even walked with me one day and about killed me because for being such a tiny little gal, she can walk super duper fast!  I mean she kicked my ass but I did walk 2 miles in 30 minutes.  So why start the Mission: To Fit Into Our Pants?  Let me explain…

Snap chat gem while trying to walk....you really should follow me there
Snap chat gem while trying to walk….you really should follow me there

Now that fall is here, we need to be able to wear jeans and some days that is a struggle.  We have all had those days where we pull out every pair of jeans in our closet in an attempt to find one that fits over one that makes you feel like you are stuffing yourself into a sausage casing.  I don’t particularly like jumping around trying to get jeans on past my thunder thighs nor do I like attempting to stuff my fat into the jeans that I swear fit the last time I wore them so that I don’t look like I have a muffin top.  I feel like it is counter productive to spend time shoving my fat into pants that it obviously does not want to be in and will eventually escape and pop out at the most inopportune moment anyways.  It’s like it pops out to say “Hello world!  Just wanted you to know that she doesn’t really fit into these pants and a slight struggle akin to wrestling an alligator might have occurred to get them on so I am here to remind her that she is too fat for these pants.”  If you have to lie down to try to zip and button your pants, you might need the mission.  If you have to decide if breathing is a necessary part of your day once you get them on, you might need the mission.  Now you understand why we started the mission.  Putting on your jeans should not be a ritual that includes sacrificing small animals to get them to zip.  I should not have to stand in the mirror and see if my stoob is going to create some new weird shape or my jeans are going to be so tight that I have to stand up all day because sitting is not an option.  I also do not want to get a weird rash or a yeast infection because my jeans are uncomfortably tight in the vajayjay area.  Not cool.  Then I will have to try to scratch that area while in said too tight jeans.  Not gonna happen.  If I do that, I will inevitably give myself a front wedgie that I then cannot pick.  It is a vicious cycle I tell you.  In reality, this mission also began because BFF and I realized that we are going to DL again soon and we will have to wear jeans and we want to eat.  I have, unfortunately realized recently, that I let my weight loss journey go by the wayside and have gained 10 pounds.  I refuse to buy new jeans or put on my fat jeans…you know the ones…the ones that are 2 sizes too big.  Well, they may not be that right now but I refuse to even try them on.  Hence the Mission:  To Fit Into Our Pants.

For the past 3 weeks (I think it is),I have been getting up early every day like around 7 or 730 am and walking 1.5-2 miles.  This is quite the feat for me because I am NOT a morning person. At all.  This is why I work nights.  I have taken a couple of days off, but I have been pretty consistent.  While I have not seen a pound change on the scale quite yet, I can say my pants fit better.  I no longer feel like I need to grease myself up with Crisco or baby oil to put them on. So no more grease stains on my pants.  And I have been able to wear more than one particular pair, which I am sure everyone around me is grateful for.  I would hate to be the Fat Girl Stinking because all I could do is fit into one pair of pants.  That would not be pleasant for anyone.  Pretty sure BFF would then insist I buy new pants.  And we all know how much I love trying on pants.  Let’s see how competitive BFF and I get on this mission….we tend to have that in our nature.  I shall keep up the mission (because I need to beat her!) and keep you informed.  And seriously if you have snap chat….you need to follow me.  You get gems like this video:

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did decide to get off my couch and make sure I could fit into more than one pair of pants but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl NOT stinking and on a mission Running.  The experiment continues….

Real Life Numbers and How I am Changing Them…Fat Girl Makes A Life Decision

So I didn’t want to say anything until a week had passed and I stepped on the scale for the first time, but I made a decision last week to really get on the move and lose some weight.  Part of my motivation was my health screening at work where I was shocked and disheartened to see my BMI was 36.2.  Yup, you read that one right…36.2 puts me in the obese category.  I had also gained weight and was up to 217…ugh.  You see I am not afraid to share these numbers with you because this is real life stuff, readers, and I know some of you struggle as much as I do in this weight loss journey.  Go ahead, share you numbers with me…don’t be ashamed…I am serious.  These are my real life numbers and I am out to change them.  I am done with toying around with trying to lose weight on my own.  I have tried numerous diets over the years, including trying to Weight Watchers again this year with little success.  I am going to be honest…I cannot do this on my own.  I end up sabotaging myself and not even caring if I am eating a huge thing of Skittles or fast food every night for dinner.  That BMI is horrid as is that number on the scale.  SO I made a life decision after talking to my wonderful college roomie who has recently lost over 30 pounds and understands my struggle.  I joined Nutrisystem.

Why Nutrisystem?  I needed something easy.  Something I didn’t have to think about.  Where my food was spelled out for me, yet allowed me the flexibility to eat out and make better choices when I do so.  Plus, working nights is horrid with trying to lose weight.  You would think that a hospital cafeteria would have soe healthy options, but nope.  Everything they serve in the middle of the night is deep-fried or covered in sauce and really your only option is to grab a salad from the salad bar, which is sometimes gross itself.  I can only eat so much salad as well and 3-4 nights in a row it gets super-duper old.  Not to mention, they have no decent fat-free or low-fat salad dressings.  So, I usually end up grabbing something off the grill along with chips and pudding or something like that.  I needed help.  I needed something to be easy and I could bring with me to work.  That would force me to follow it because I spent money.  That is also a motivator.  When you spend money to get yourself to lose weight, it really does help.  So, after talking to my best support system, BFF, I made the decision to buck it up and join Nutrisystem to change my life.  I want to not shop in the Fat Girl section in the store.  I want to go into a dress store and slide into a cute dress like BFF does and walk out with several outfits.  I am tired of being the Fat Friend.  I joined Nutrisystem knowing it would be hard for me to cheat on it because I would feel guilty with all my food already handed to me.  My college roomie assured me that the food tasted good and it was super easy to follow.  I need super easy in my life,  So, late one night I went online and joined…my heart pounding in my chest as I entered my weight and my BMI and picked my plan.  I even made a member page so you all can stalk me under the name ladymiryaa.  Go ahead…stalk me.  Some call it stalking, I call it love…Fat Girl love.

I chose to customize my food mostly because of my nut allergy, but also because I knew if I didn’t pick food that sounded good to me that I would immediately have trouble sticking to it and try to sabotage myself.  So I picked what I thought I might enjoy and waited.  My plan came with both what Nutrisystem calls the Grab and Go items and frozen items.  I must admit, I was curious as to how the frozen food was going to arrive at my doorstep.  The Grab and Go items came first…in a HUGE box and immediately I knew I needed some place to store it as my pantry is not that big.  So I purchased a rolling three drawer cart that I could seperate the meals into and set about doing that.  I was excited at the prospect of starting right away the following day even though the frozen items had not arrived yet.  BFF and I excitedly texted about all my food and I read all the materials sent with it so I knew what I was doing (or at least hoped so!).  The next morning, I got up and started off my day eating a breakfast item…a cinnamon roll of all things! I mean, come on, who doesn’t like a weight loss program that includes dessert every day and sweet things for breakfast?  This Fat Girl was thrilled that I could pick ice cream and cinnamon rolls!  Hello sweet yum nummies that I do not have to give up!  I was pleasantly surprised that the food was not gross and didn’t taste like diet food or chemically at all.  We all know I have tried diet programs before, like the liquid shake one that tasted like I was drinking chemically laced fluid every time I drank one.  I might have turned slightly into a Borg with that one (you will be assimilated!) and this food did not give me that impression what so ever.  I was surprised by a knock on my door later when the UPS guy delivered a large styrofoam cooler with ice in the lid containing all my frozen items.  This styrofoam cooler was seriously ig enough to hide a body in it…well maybe you would have to dismember a little to fit a whole body in it.  Not like I have those thoughts…but it did cross my mind that maybe that was what I was gonna find when I opened it.  I was relieved it was just my frozen Nutrisystem items and not a dismembered body.  Whew!  Those quickly got put away and the cooler thrown in my trash for the next serial killer or SOTL Man to find and use to dispose of his Fat Girls he is keeping to get their skins.  Now he will know he can’t have me when he realizes that the cooler came out of my garbage can and I am trying to not be one of his Fat Girl prizes.  Take that SOTL Man!!

So, this leads me to this morning…one week on Nutrisystem and stepping on the scale for the first time.  I was nervous, scared, and excited all at the same time.  I stepped on, took a deep breath and looked down…wait.  That can’t be right.  Let me step off and step back on…yup same number.  I better check a third time…so I did…same result.  A Naked Fat Girl Dance of Joy ensued…down 2.8 pounds to 214.2!!  WHAT?????? Yup, you read that right!  2.8 pounds gone off this Fat Girl body!!  Hello being below 215 for the first time in years.  This feels amazing. When I went and logged my weight, Nutrisystem happily told me that my BMI was now down to 35.7…even that made me happy!!  I am super proud of myself and I love all the support I am getting from my friends, my Bubby and Pocket GF.  I couldn’t do it without the support system.  Tonight starts my first time back at work since I started Nutrisystem so adjusting the program to working nights will be a slight challenge but I know I can do it because I want to see more numbers like that…numbers that get smaller!!  Cheers to Nutrisystem!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did decide to change my life and wonder if the styrofoam cooler that could hide a dismembered body in it would be stolen out of my trash by SOTL man to put his Fat Girls in but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl sharing her real life numbers and down 2.8 pounds Running!!  The experiment continues…

Inspiring You Fat Girl Style

As you may well know, I am a huge fan of reality TV so when I discovered many years ago a reality show about fat people trying to lose weight, The Biggest Loser and I became best friends.  I adore this show and all the inspiration it gives me to try to actually lose weight.  I have even bought cookbooks, diet plans and work out videos from the show (not that I actually use them but I have bought them mind you).   Of course I usually end up watching the show while eating something…which might defeat the purpose but is in true Fat Girl form.  I really do find the show inspiring that people can lose weight with lots of hard work and exercise and NOT with surgery.  Means I have some hope.  So this week was the season finale and as I sat here watching all these amazing transformations, I decided to inspire you…Fat Girl style.  So here you go:

Fat Girl’s Top 5 Ways To Gain Weight

  1. Join a gym and try NOT to work out as much as possible.  I mean, come on, who wants to get sweaty and look like a raccoon dipped in grease?  Or have to wonder if the person before them actually wiped off the gym equipment.  Then there is the scarring incident of falling off the equipment in front of a gym full of people (yes sadly this REALLY did happen to me).  You don’t wanna be the Fat Girl who collides with the floor and creates a sonic boom loud enough for people to actually look around and see your fat ass face first on the floor with the machine still going.  Oh the humiliation.  As for working out at home, well, that is good and all but really do you want your neighbors to wonder if there is an elephant running through the neighborhood or wonder if your flooring is going to hold up to your bouncing around?  Pretty sure mine makes some scary noises when I attempt and seeing how I do not want to make the evening news as the Fat Girl stuck in her floor like Tom Hanks on The Money Pit, I shall also avoid this option.  So those exercise DVDs you have lying around?  Find another use for them such as door stops or coasters. They will be much more useful there.
  2. Go shopping when you are hungry.  Somehow all of your favorite non-diet foods end up in your cart.  I think they just jump in there when you aren’t looking and you are so dazed by your hunger that you don’t notice them till the next day.  Then I open up my cabinets and wonder when the Skittles Fairy came by and left me a bag of those delicious little round fruity bites of happiness (Ok let’s not discuss the new addition of green apple to the bag…THAT my friends is a travesty and a rant for another time).  Or how did the Cheetos bag magically get refilled and sealed?  Pretty sure I got rid of the mostly empty bag on my attempt to diet.  It’s like my pantry is MAGIC!  Then I find the receipt from Target in my purse and my dreams of the Skittles Fairy goes out the window….sigh.  A girl can dream, right?
  3. Take steroids when you have an allergic reaction or a really bad asthma attack.  Seriously.  That damn drug will eff you up in many ways including encouraging you to become a professional competitive eater.  Have you seen these people?  They actually time themselves to see how many hot dogs they can eat in one minute.  Ummmm….gross.  First off, I don’t eat tubular meat.  Wait…that sounded so wrong.  I don’t eat meat tubes?  Nope.  Still wrong.  Anyways….pretty sure when I take steroids I could out eat one of those competitive eater if I didn’t have to eat hot dogs.  Because hot dogs are gross.
  4. Get rid of all your Fat Girl jeans.  This ensures you will gain weight and NONE of your new jeans will fit leaving you to only wear sweat pants and work out clothing or clothes you wore in the 80’s.  And yes, I did belong to the big hair club in the 80’s and my glasses were so huge they ate my face.  Pretty sure.  We all had big hair back then.  And we rocked the clothing back then.   Hey….big shirts that hang off your shoulder and leggings are back in style, right?  Now if only I could find my teasing comb and Aqua Net….
  5. Have a REALLY comfy couch and sit down and watch A LOT of reality TV…including The Biggest Loser.  I swear my couch has invisible ties that it uses to keep me there as I watch everything on my DVR in one sitting.  This requires that bag of Skittles, Cheetos,  a LARGE soda and anything else I can eat to come and keep me company.  I mean you must have snacks, right?  Otherwise you will get so distracted by the rumbling in your tumbly that you won’t be able to concentrate on the reality TV you are trying to catch up on and then will have to repeat the pattern as you watch it again.  Trust me on this one.  Or you will wonder what to do with our hands the whole time you are watching….it is a vicious cycle I tell you so just have the snacks handy.  It will make watching Biggest Loser more fun as you shove Skittles down your throat.

In all seriousness, I am making a new commitment to myself to lose the weight I have recently put on because I have been sick and now just lazy.  It is way too easy to drive through Arby’s and get an apple turnover with my beef and cheddar meal than it is to eat healthy.  I like eating fast food as evidenced by the straw wrappers that paper the floor of my backseat of my car, but I just need to make better choices and not follow my own advice…this time.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I instead realized as I watched reality TV with a bag of Skittles that I wanted to recommit myself to this journey and not follow my own footsteps.  I am fat girl who still will dream of a Skittles Fairy while trying to lose weight (because that would be plain AWESOME) running.  The experiment continues….

Another Round With Annoying Neighbors…Thank Goodness For Vacation

So we all know how much I DESPISE my neighbors.  I mean really despise them.  The fact that I am surrounded by rentals probably compounds that fact since most of them are college students. And rude ones at that.  You would think the last run in with the Po-Po over parking in my driveway would have taught them how tolerant I am to them.  But, alas, this did not.  This last run in occurred after a snow storm while I was at work. I came home after white knuckling it down the barely plowed streets of Flagstaff (seriously the city workers need to learn how to plow) and pulled into my driveway.  I went in and changed my clothes to go and clear my driveway as scrubs are not the warmest clothes.  I brave the sub arctic temperatures at 8 am and start-up the snow blower to clear my drive so that I may go in and go to bed and not have 12 feet to clear when I got up at 4 pm to go to work again.  Should be simple, right?  I get several swipes done when I see one of these wonderful and oh so considerate neighbors of mine that like to park in my driveway coming out of their house. And not really dressed for the cold, I might add.  Nor for being in the snow.  In fact, he is in his jammies and coming over to my house.  Great.  He waves at me to get my attention and so I politely stop what I am doing even though I am tired, cold and now annoyed.  The following conversation happens:  Obviously cold shivering neighbor:  “Do you really have to run that snow blower so early in the morning? We are trying to sleep”  Me with what could only be described as an incredulous how stupid are you look on my face:  “It’s 8 am and yes I do.  I need to clear it so I can go to bed and sleep.”  Shivering hung over and now increasingly annoying neighbor:  “You are making a lot of noise you know. I could call the police and report you.  You really should wait until after 10 am to do this.”  Me now pissed annoyed and trying not to laugh: “Go right ahead and call the police Buddy.  I am clearing my driveway for safety so that I can go to work to save children’s lives later.  Your hangover is no concern of mine and at 10 am I plan on being sound asleep so that I can actually do something with my life and not drown it in beer.  How about you take the time to clear your own driveway and not park in mine?”  Blue lipped slightly green now EXTREMELY annoying neighbor:  “You have no consideration for others you know.  This is a violation of the noise ordinance and I am calling the police.”  Me:   “Go right ahead and call because I am sure they have nothing better to do today than bother a public servant trying to clear off her driveway at 8 am so children don’t die.  Let’s see how that works out for ya.  Have a great day.”  Now insert sound of snow blower starting up here and snow being blown on stupid annoying as fuck neighbor.  Pretty sure the Po-Po never came out to talk to me about me using my snow blower to clear my driveway.  Also pretty sure that neighbor was even colder as he walked back to his house covered in snow.  Hey.  Don’t stand in the direction of the blower spout.  Just saying.

Starting with the annoying neighbors….

Thank goodness I am going on vacation this weekend with my BFF.  House of Mouse here we come (did you think we would go anywhere else?).  I need a break from the snow and the annoying neighbors.  In fact, BFF and I are so excited to go to DL that we have already planned out where we are eating.  Yes I said eating.  That is what happens when you go on vacation with the Fat Girl.  You plan where to eat.  I cannot help it that three different ice cream places are on that list either.  It just happens.  In preparation for vacation, though, BFF and I made a trip to Kohl’s to buy me some new jeans because I am wearing the same two pair over and over now.  Sigh.  We all know how much I hate pants shopping.  About as much as I enjoy going to the duck lip appointment or dealing with my annoying neighbors.  As I walked quickly to the Fat Girl section, BFF stops me and says that she thinks I am shopping in the wrong department now.  I laughed.  Nope.  Trust me.  I need the pants that have the huge W behind the number as if the double-digit size is not enough humiliation but the manufacturers actually have to put W for WIDE ASS behind it.  Into the dressing room we go with an arm full of jeans.  BFF is there for moral support and to make sure I don’t have camel toe.  Seriously.  You need someone to tell you if you have camel toe before you put on your new pants thinking you look all hot and there you are showing your camel toe to the world.  Not pretty.  First pair slide on a little too easily that makes me look at the size.  Huh.  Too big.  Second pair a size smaller and still a little big.  BFF smiles and runs out for more sizes.  She hands me a pair that makes the Fat Girl in me shiver and want to throw up.  It is a pair without the huge W behind them.  I hand them back to her shaking my head.  There is no way my fat is gonna stuff itself into those pants.  I don’t wanna look like a stuffed sausage even if they don’t give me camel toe.  BFF insists so I decide to suffer the humiliation and try them on.  I know I can cry in front of her if they don’t fit and she will understand.  And take me for pie.  She proceeds to tell me that the W sizes only go to 14 and those were slightly roomy on me so to trust her.  I gulp and put them on.  And before I can even shockingly zip them up and stare, BFF is doing the Happy Dance Of Joy for The Fat Girl…because THEY FIT.  A pair of pants without the W behind them FIT.  of course then I had to deal with her saying “I told you that you were shopping in the wrong section”.  There is now video again at Kohl’s of 2 girls doing the Happy Dance Of Joy in the dressing room.  At least we weren’t naked. Only semi naked.  Let’s hope nobody mistakes that dressing room video as some form of weird Fat Girl dance lesbian porn.  Since BFF insisted I try on a smaller size, I insisted she do the same and we did the Dance again as hers fit as well. And no camel toe for either of us.  Happy pre vacation to us!

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I instead triumphantly covered an annoying neighbor with snow and created another YouTube dressing room video.  I am fat girl celebrating no camel toe with my BFF today running.  The experiment continues….

Is There A Camera In This Dressing Room?

Before the previously mentioned BEST Disney trip ever experience, BFF commented on how she was tired of seeing me hitching up my jeans all the time.  Plus the ones I was wearing really made my flass look even flatter and the fact that I can go potty without having to undo the button or zipper is a clue that these 18 W jeans are too big.  She told me either I go get new jeans before our trip or at least a belt.  I HATE belts.  BFF is a fan of belts but being a Fat Girl, I feel like all belts ever do is cut my fat right in half and make me look even pudgier if that is possible.  Like I need my fat rolls accentuated in any way.  Pretty sure they do a damn good job of that on their own.  But, BFF had a point.  Having been doing Weight Watchers now for a few months, my body has changed even though the exercising has been lax.  I have in fact lost weight but not enough that I thought I needed new jeans.  13.4 pounds is pretty damn good though! That might not seem like a lot to most people but to a Fat Girl that is sheer will power to even stay on a diet.  I am not one who sticks with a diet plan very long so that in itself is an accomplishment.

Oh yeah…..I can soooooo relate! Pretty sure this is how the Fat Girl thinks

So…yeah…BFF had a point.  My jeans were a tad big.  To prove her point, she even grabbed them and pulled them away where they were too big, exposing my Fat Girl Granny Panties to any passerby…Okay!  I got it!  I will go home and try on the one pair of size 16 W jeans I keep in my closet for the just in case I lose weight scenario, which I am sure has not been enough at this point to make any difference.  I pull the jeans down and look at them.  I hold them up and sigh.  I just know they are not gonna fit.  There is no way.  This is just gonna be a big disappointment and make me collapse into a puddle of Fat Girl tears and reach for the Skittles.  I braced myself and started pulling on the jeans, waiting for them to get stuck on my thighs.  They didn’t.  Ok then on my hips.  Nope…they were fine.  Then they for sure were not gonna zip or button and I was gonna be left with the telltale you are too fat for these jeans pudge protruding out of the area where the two sides should close.  Wait.  They zip and button without me having to suck in all my air and not breathe for the entire time I have them on.  THEY FIT!  Holy cow!  This can’t be right.  I decided to tempt fate and go actually try on new jeans in the store to make sure.  I also was afraid of BFF de-pantsing me in DL to be honest if I wore the too big jeans there.  Nothing like the fear of a little Fat Girl public humiliation to make you go jeans shopping.

I ended up at Kohl’s and bravely walked into the Fat Girl section and pulled a couple of pair of size 16W jeans off the shelves to try on.  Then I went into the dreaded dressing room and proceeded to strip down to my undies and bra.  Why all the way?  Well, these jeans had really better fit and I wanted to make sure that I did not get some weird Fat Girl push your fat up and out of the way and create a new fat roll look so hence no shirt in trying on the jeans.  I took a deep breath and pulled on the first pair and THEY FIT!  And nope, I didn’t see any new shadow puppets created with my fat on the dressing room wall.  I shimmied off that pair and picked up the next pair which is when I realized I had grabbed a 14W…WTF was I thinking?  This was surely to end badly.  This was gonna end with a tearful call to BFF blaming her for this experience and me risking the threat of public humiliation because if they didn’t fit, then the whole thing was off.  But, you see, I was having a brave Fat Girl moment and decided to try them on anyways risking the tears and inevitable whole coconut cream pie it was gonna take to console me.  Mmmmmmm…..pie.  So there, in the unflattering light of a dressing room, in front of a full length mirror, I tried on the jeans already savoring the coconut cream pie I was gonna buy myself to help get over the misery.  In the midst of my pie thoughts, I hadn’t even realized that I had the jeans on and THEY FIT!  Ok…wait….the tag must be wrong.  I slipped them down to look at the tag and sure enough they said 14W.  Despite my disappointment over no pie, the smile that soon lit up my face replaced all the pie dreams and a Fat Girl Happy Dance occurred right then and there in the dressing room.  As I shimmied out of those jeans that were 2 SIZES SMALLER, a Fat Girl Mostly Naked Happy Dance occurred.  I might have even Gangnam Styled my way across that cubicle (not as good as BFF….she can do it very well!).  Let’s hope there wasn’t a camera in that dressing room (and if there was, and anyone at Kohl’s has it, please send it my way so I can destroy it before it goes viral).  I think a little jumping and high fiving my own reflection might have also happened before I texted BFF the good news.  Then, just in case I was hallucinating because I wanted pie, I quickly got dressed and practically ran to the register to pay for my new 2 SIZES SMALLER jeans.  I even tried them on again at home just to make sure my pie hallucinations had not been real.  Yup.  Fat Girl Victory Dance.  And guess what? They even fit when I went on vacation.  And yesterday post vacation.  Pretty sure I just Gangnam Style danced again.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I am hoping that there is not a Fat Girl Mostly Naked Gangnam Style Dance video out there courtesy of Kohl’s but I didn’t die.  I am fat girl wearing jeans that are 2 sizes smaller and practicing my Gangnam Style dance for next time running.  The experiment continues….