The Disneyland Christmas Parade Event: Another Guide to Life by BFF

Since my last post was about Disneyland and BFF, I thought I would tell you some more good ways to handle people per BFF.  I mean, she has some major people skills my friends.  Not many people can pull off kicking a kid in line and what happened at the Christmas parade like BFF.  She can handle people in a parade crowd like no other.  Let’s just say I would not want to get on her bad side…like ever.  She is one tough tiny little Mexican woman!  Now that I have you intrigued, let’s get on with our story.  The Disneyland Christmas Parade Event…

We were at DL right as they started the Christmas season this past trip and we were thrilled.  We normally go at Halloween so to go at Christmas time (even thought it was November) was a nice change and so much fun.  If you have never gone there on a holiday, I highly recommend it,  There is nothing like a good Disney magic and the holidays put together.  We were stoked that they had a Christmas parade and planned our schedule accordingly.  Ever been at DL and seen people sitting along the curb of Main Street and wondered why? They are waiting for the parade to start.  Know this about catching a parade at House of Mouse:  you NEED to plan to sit for the parade along the route about an hour in advance if you want a good front row seat and don’t want to be peering over the heads of anyone else.  We usually take this time to send one of us to get a snack and enjoy the people watching.  It is a good time to sit, rest your feet and enjoy all the craziness around you.  We actually found a bench and were thrilled we didn’t have to sit on the ground, so we staked out the bench, got a bucket of popcorn and sodas and enjoyed our break about an hour before the parade was scheduled to start.  Now remember, we are not the only ones doing this.  Lots of families are also camped out with blankets and snacks…little ones napping in strollers placed carefully behind them and people saving spots with jackets and such.  It is a common practice.  We had a nice conversation with the older lady and her son sitting on the bench next to us and were enjoying the little girls dressed as Elsa next to us who were beside themselves waiting to see the Princesses in the parade.

Disney is fantastic announcing that the parade is going to start and they do so over the loudspeakers about 30 minutes ahead of time.  So really, unless you are in a bubble while you are there, you know the parade is about to start by the gathering crowd, the vendor carts trolling the parade route to sugar up your children and spend your last few dollars on light up balloons and other crap to entertain them while they wait, the Cast members roping off the area and did I mention the announcements over the loud speakers?  Not to mention, they hand you a schedule when you walk in the park with the parade times on it.  People start to get hurried around the 15 minute mark and try to quickly find space for their kiddos to see without being blocked….although usually all the good spots are gone by then. Several times, we told people that no they could not sit in front of us and they assumed we were saving spots and left.   Five minutes before the parade is to reach us, we can hear the music from where it has already started coming down the route and we see families start to get frantic about finding spots.  Timing people.  Timing and planning will save you this stress.  We are excited to see the parade when all of a sudden…it happened…the Disneyland Christmas Parade Event.

A woman, her husband, and two small children in a stroller (both under 3) come running down the parade route frantically looking for a place to watch the parade.  They see us sitting on our bench (although we were planning on standing once the parade started to get pictures) and the Mom decides to run over to us park her stroller in front of us and not say a word.  Wrong move.  We both immediately stand up and BFF starts to have a conversation with the Mom.  It goes like this:

BFF:  “I’m sorry.  You can’t stand here or park your stroller here.  We were planning on standing for the parade and you are in front of us.  If you could please move, that would be great.”

Mom (looking shocked and annoyed):  “Look lady.  We didn’t know we would be caught up in this and we need a place to watch.”

BFF (raising eyebrows and standing a little taller):  “I am sorry but we have been here for over an hour.  You should have planned better.  These are our spots so you need to move.  Now.”

Annoying Mother with a Huge Stroller (whose husband is now trying to pull her away):  “You don’t need to be so nasty!  This is Disneyland for Christ’s sake!  I have two small children in a stroller here!!”  She has now resorted to yelling at BFF…wrong move number 2.

BFF (now pulling out all her Mexican and getting in the Shouting Mother’s face):  “I am not being nasty.  I am telling you next time to plan better and get here an hour early like we did.  Your children are too young to even care about the parade anyways. You are being rude and need to leave.  Like RIGHT NOW.” I am now terrified BFF with hand me her purse, take off her earrings and kick off her shoes like the Mexican girl she is and we will get kicked out because she will kick some Soccer Mom’s jogging booty over a place to watch the parade.  What am doing?  Standing behind her saying things like “Yeah!” and “Leave” and other such one word retorts and making faces like a good Fat Girl sidekick.

Angry Soccer Mom who needs a Dole Whip to the face:  “You have ruined my children’s trip to Disneyland!”  Her husband is now anxiously pulling her away and has yet to say a word…pussy.  I would be scared of BFF too…or maybe he was scared of his wife.

BFF (as Disgruntled Mom indignantly strides off looking back at us with all the venom she can muster):  “Your children don’t even have formative memory!  They won’t remember this trip!”  We then high-fived each other.

Pretty sure the couple next to us gave us a round of applause probably because they were afraid to cross us.  I wouldn’t either…BFF can handle her own when she is fighting for a spot to watch the parade from!  Needless to say, we enjoyed the parade without a stroller in front of us taking our spots we had sought out an hour ahead of time. Planning people.  Planning will make your trip oh so much better.  Sigh.  But BFF…she is awesome.  I love her.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however witness my BFF go all Mexican on a Soccer Mom over a spot to watch the Disneyland Christmas Parade but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with another Guide to Life by BFF Running.  The experiment continues…


A Guide to Dealing With Children in Lines: BFF Style

This weekend was Superbowl weekend, which normally BFF and I spend in Disneyland due to nobody being there. This year, however, we postponed our trip due to a co-worker we adore getting married.  We are planning on going at the end of the month instead…measles outbreak be damned.  In fact, we are glad we are going because of the measles outbreak…it means there will be fewer children to deal with in lines than usual.  Plus, we are both vaccinated (Science!) so we have nothing to fear.  As BFF pointed out, fewer children means less annoying events in line which we always run into for some reason…like a child licking the chain repeatedly while we were in line for Space Mountain. On our last trip, the most annoying of annoying events happened while in line and BFF dealt with it in the best way possible.

Let me set this up for you:  we were in line for the coveted Cars ride and we had fast passes for it.  Which meant we wouldn’t have to wait the 90 minutes the regular people in line had to wait.  It also meant that we had a separate line with other fast pass holders and got to officially “cut” in line.  This really is the only way to ride this highly popular ride as teh line is always long.  We were behind a family whose child was not paying attention to the line moving and several times had to be told by his parents to get up with the family.  I hate this aspect of waiting in line the most….people who do not pay attention to the line moving and end up with a huge gap for minutes to eternity until they acted shocked the line moved and finally move up, much to the annoyance of the rest of us behind them.  I really have no patience with these people…especially children who are too busy doing something they shouldn’t (like licking the chain) be instead of moving up in line.  The Cars ride has metal railings on either side of the line (looks like radiator pipes for effect) and for some reason, this little Mouseketeer thought it would be a fine idea to place one foot on either side of the line on these railings to walk.  Thereby, moving the line slowly and leaving a gap a whole car from the ride could fit into the fast pass line.  ANNOYING.

BFF and I were quietly and carefully plotting this child’s “accident” in line when BFF got a call from her Momma so she answered it. Note:  she did NOT in any way hold up the line while on the phone with her Momma!  She was able to manage answering the phone, talking and moving up in line all at the same time.  Amazing.  Not once was she annoying to anyone behind her because she understands proper line etiquette.  The child in front of us, however, was still spread eagle attempting to walk on the railings despite repeatedly being told by Cast Members and his parents to stop doing it.  BFF, still on the phone, looks and sees the now school bus sized gap between him and his family and decides she has had enough.  She looks at me, glances at the kid still straddling the line like Stretch Armstrong, and decides to deal with the annoyance quickly and quietly.  By kicking him square in the booty.  Yup.  Kicks him in the butt.  No apologies.  Square in the tushie she planted her foot and caused him to fall down and run to his parents, all the while looking at both of us.  I turn to her and mouth “Did you just kick him?”  to which she replied by looking innocent and we both hear the people laughing behind us because I don’t think the y realized we didn’t know the Annoying One.  I am trying not to laugh now and BFF is still on the phone with her Momma looking all innocent like nothing happened, hoping we don’t get called out by this kiddo to his parents or to a Cast Member.  The Annoying One hides behind his mother and looks at us, but not once does he rat us out.  I am pretty sure we might have seen Disney Cast Members high-five over it, but it might have been over something else (although I am sure it was BFF kicking this kid cuz I know I would have).  But guess what?  Suddenly we were almost to the front of the line and fast because this kid kept moving.  What a concept.

I am sure BFF will say it was an “uncontrolled leg spasm” and she didn’t kick him right where the sun doesn’t shine, but I can assure you that she did…and that he deserved it.  Maybe it taught him the lesson of appropriate line etiquette but I doubt it…he was probably the same small child a few years ago that licked the chain repeatedly at Space Mountain.  Ew.  I don’t think I would recommend this way of dealing with gap leavers, because I don’t know of anyone besides BFF who could get away with it, but it was awesome.  Highly awesome.  Just watch your kids in line around BFF.  And I am sure those Cast Members really were high-fiving over her swift uncontrollable leg spasm right to the tushie.  For reals.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did learn a great new way to deal with annoying children in line from BFF but didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl whose BFF sometimes has uncontrollable leg spasms to children’s tushies when they are being annoying in line Running.  The experiment continues….

My Kidney Is An Asshole

So I went to visit my Seester since it had been a year since we had seen each other (horror!) and she having just had surgery on her foot was unable to travel.  Off to Texas with me then!!  We did all the fun things you do with Seesters…shopping, sushi, shopping, more sushi, discussing books…you know the usual. We even drove up to Little Rock, Arkansas to pick up our baby sister and visit my Dad.  When we returned the next day, baby sister in tow, my kidney decided to become an asshole.

We had just gotten back from Little Rock when I noticed my back was hurting.  Of course, I thought it was just the way I had been sitting in the car for the last six hours.  Now, a couple of days before we went on our trip I had noticed it seemed to feel like I had to pee an awful lot and like my bladder was spasming again like after the surgery.  I had even texted that to BFF and made up my mind that I would go see the Pee-Pee Doctor when I got home.  This pain, however, was just like last time but started to intensify in increments and brought along it’s lovely friend nausea.  It was so horrid that I excused myself to lie down and texted BFF to ask her what I should do.  We agreed I should go and ask my Seester or BIL to take me to the nearest ED since the pain was worsening and nausea was increasing.  Seester, who was worried, agreed and we set off to the nearest ED which, luckily for me, was just down the street from Seester’s house.

After getting checked in, I was taken right back since I could not even sit still long enough for the poor nurse to take my vitals because of the pain.  The room we were put in was like an ice box and changing into the oh so warm and soft (can you hear the sarcasm?) patient gown gave a new meaning to goosebumps.  You could have cut glass with…well you get it.  Soon, I had an IV started and labs drawn and was hoping for pain meds to make the increasing level of pain go away.  The doc came in and I swear I got the India version of Doogie Howser because he looked to be all of twelve.  Guess what he told me was wrong?  Kidney stone!  Really?  For serious didn’t I just go through this?  Yup.  My kidney is an asshole and decided to give me a kidney stone on my trip.  Awesome. I could barely focus on what India Doogie was saying as the pain was escalating to the point that I was going to start throwing things or going on a vagina punching rampage.  He quickly said he would go order me some.  I might have scared him with my demonic faces as I was trying to talk to him.  Tick tock tick tock….Now I am writhing in pain on the gurney and sobbing, begging my Seester to make the pain stop.  Seester, fed up with waiting, did her best Shirley MacLaine impression from Terms of Endearment. She hobbled out to the nurses station, crutches and walking boot and all, slammed down her fist and demanded I get pain meds.  Thank you Seester.  The poor nurse that came in kept apologizing to us for the delay and immediately I felt relief.  Medicated and with orders to call my own Pee-Pee Doctor in the morning since I was flying home in two days, I left the ED and went back to Seester’s house, where my sweet baby sister handed me a beaded necklace she had made me to make me feel better.

Once I flew back home two days later, BFF and I went up to get an Xray and see the Pee-Pee Doctor.  Yup.  he was pretty sure that I was correct in saying my kidney is an asshole and that there was a stone.  A CT later and confirmation…my kidney is definitely an asshole.  A small kidney stone can be seen and we are hoping I pass it soon and do not need another procedure to remove it.  Oh joy.  Listen asshole of a kidney…quit this already.  I really do not like these stones as they are quite painful and make me want to do torturous things like pull out chest hairs one by one on a really hairy guy.  That could prove to be fun.  Let’s hope I pass it soon.  I have desperately trying to flush my system to get it to pass.  I blame my kidney.  My kidney is for sure an asshole.  Jerk. 

Oh yeah…I didn’t die today.  I did however have a little kink in my trip to my Seester and BIL and get treated by India’s Doogie Howser but I didn’t die.   I am Fat Girl with a kidney who is an asshole Running.  The experiment continues…

We Are Disneyland Strong

BFF and I went on our annual Superbowl We Don’t Really Care About Football Disneyland trip recently.  This time, we met two of our friends, recently engaged to be married, their twins and the rest of their family there for some fun.  They happen to be taking a whole family vacation and generously allowed us to hang around with them for two days.  Thank goodness they don’t mind two crazy girls like us to make some giggles and good memories.  And leave it to BFF and I to provide the comic relief to any trip.

After spending all day with Twins A and B (and I don’t just use that in reference to their birth order…their Momma really did name them alphabetically), several of the adults came back at night and met up with us so we could ride the big coaster without kiddos.  We quickly made our way to the back of the park, hoping to get on before the water show started and they closed the coaster.  As we came up on the coaster and saw that there was hardly any wait, I thought I felt a slight sprinkle but then shrugged it off as coming off the lake with the wind.  We were stoked that there was only a 5 minute wait and that we had an even number of people to ride (it’s the little things that get us excited I tell you).  As the coaster car pulled up and we climbed in, I stated to our party “Anyone else notice the car is wet?  This is NOT a water ride!”  We pulled around the corner and it was indeed raining.  The Bride-to-be turned and said “Oh this is gonna suck!”  And then the coaster started it’s fast paced ride…

Now let me tell you something.  Rain, in general, does not bother me.  I don’t mind getting rained on and usually love it when we are at DL and it is raining because the park empties out.  Rain on a super speed roller coaster at night is a whole different ball game.  Wanna know what it feels like?  It feels like you are riding along at super fast speeds to an icy death.  Seriously it is like ice pelts are hitting every part of your exposed skin.  The Bride-to-be’s sister yelled as we are being pelted “You can take my life, but don’t take my eyes!”  BFF screamed “Ouch” every two seconds and I yelled back “Why does it hurt SO bad?”  I felt like my face was getting some sort of frozen ice peel as I tried to cover every part of skin that was exposed.  When we ended the ride, I couldn’t tell if the tears were from laughing or pain.  BFF then turned to me and per usual, asked “How is my bang (and yes it is referred to as a bang and not bangs because as BFF says she only has one bang)?” since her hair has a tendency to get a little crazy during the coaster.  Now add rain to that factor and I started laughing immediately when she asked me that.  I told her not to touch it because it was that great.  Everyone turns to BFF and laughter immediately courses through our group.  Bride-to-be is laughing so hard I thought she might pee her pants and cameras immediately come out to take pictures of BFF’s hair….it is that good.  I am giggling now thinking of it.  Judge for yourself.  It’s ok to laugh…we did…hard.

How’s my bang? Oh BFF you know I love you but this is hysterical

After all the pain and laughs, we decide to…of course…RIDE IT AGAIN because there was no wait.  We are gluttons for punishment I tell you.  One time around being pelted with icy drops of death was not enough for all of us.  No, we decided we needed to experience it one more time.  So yup…we did.  This time BFF yelled that if she covered her face it didn’t hurt as bad.  I yelled back that I didn’t understand why we were doing this again.  After getting off the ride a second time, Bride-to-be’s cousin turned to me and said “Is my face bleeding?  Because I am pretty sure it should be.  These are real tears NOT rain drops!”  The Bride-to-be and her sister both had mascara running down their faces and I was checking to make sure there were not pock marks in my face from the icy pelts of death that disguised themselves as raindrops when we were not on the coaster.  The pics taken on the coaster say it all.  Priceless.

I was doing the vogue while trying to keep the rain off
BFF’s solution to the pain

As we wandered in the rain over to Tower of Terror to dry off, we discussed how we were not gonna let a little rain stop us.  The park was practically deserted at this point.  We didn’t care that we were soaked to the bone with rain, that we were cold and shivering, that our shoes squished when we walked or that we couldn’t tell if it was blood or rain running down our faces.  We were determined to get more rides in before the close of the park.  We decided we needed those plastic bracelets like Lance Armstrong’s “Live Strong” but that said “Disneyland Strong”  because not even an icy face peel at some ungodly amount of speed was gonna stop us.  Songs were sung about our bravery and our laughter could be heard throughout the park.  It was a great night.  One that concluded with a long hot shower to warm up.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did have another hysterical trip with a great group of people whose adventures will continue in my next blog, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl braving the icy pelts of death on the roller coaster because I am Disneyland Strong Running.  The experiment continues…

The Griswolds Go On Vacation

As you are aware, I recently went on my annual Halloween trip to DL and this time BFF and I were joined by BFFE and her family.  This was an epic combo as the four most indecisive adults in the world went on vacation together with two kids in tow.  I kid you not this was an actual conversation that happened one day:

Me;  “What do you guys want to ride now?”

BFFE:  “I don’t know.  What about you, BFF?”

BFF:  “I have no idea.  Really you guys should decide.  What do you think BFFE’s Hubby?”

BFFE’s Hubby:  “I dunno.  (turns to me) What should we do?”

Me:  “Ok…I give up.  Let’s ask the 9-year-old.”

This trip was one chock full of laughs…I mean we all know me and BFF get ourselves into some crazy situations but add BFFE (who is just like me) and her Hubby (who is just like BFF) and we have the epic funny vacation with the Griswolds.  We should have filmed ourselves because I am pretty sure that only the four of us could get into the situations we got into.  Let me share with funniest moments of the trip…Griswold style.

Since there was only one adult male in our group with three women, we took to calling each other Wife #1, 2 and 3 like sister wives (thank goodness BFFE’s Hubby is good-natured and went along with it like a pimp).  We were in a store and BFFE was up getting in line to pay for some things, when the rest of us decided to go outside and wait for her.  I walked up to where she was in line but could not get her attention but this is the conversation that occurred:

Me (loudly to get her attention):  “Hey Wife #1!”

BFFE (who immediately turned to me):  “What Wife #2?”

Me:  “We are gonna wait outside cuz it is cray-cray in this store”

BFFE:  “All of you, including Wife #3?”  (At this point, the woman in front of BFFE has turned around to stare at us and is now poking the lady she is with…of course I notice)

Me:  “Yeah…both of us, OUR Hubby and the kids (notice the emphasis for the benefit of the rude woman who is now really elbowing her friend, probably giving her a bruised rib in her attempt to get her to notice what she thinks are Polygs at DL)

BFF (who has now walked up to join us and is all casual):  Hey Wifey #1…did Wifey #2 tell you we are going outside with Hubby and the kiddos?”

BFFE: “Yup…see you all out there in a few.  ALL of us wives need to figure out where we are gonna eat too.” (by now, the lady’s friend has noticed and their eyes are bugging out of their heads)

BFF and I say yes in agreement, turn around to join Hubby and BFF grabs Hubby’s hand to make a point to the ladies in line.  Geez…stare much?  We all giggle as we walk out of the store.  I mean…honestly…if we were REALLY sister wives, would we announce it to the world?

The second funny Griswold moment happened in the middle of a crowd.  We were leaving the park at closing with the crush of every other person there and it was seriously crazy making.  Hundreds of people all around us going the same way and running into us left and right.  The 4-year-old in his stroller, who was diagnosed the day before we all left with a sinus/ear infection and has a touch of croup, begins coughing this harsh barky cough. People immediately turn and look with these horrified germ phobic looks on their faces.  BFF, without missing a beat, leans down and says “Oh baby, don’t worry.  We will get you some more tuberculosis meds when we get home.  I thought we had cleared that up before we came, but I guess not.”  You have never seen a crowd of people give another group of people such a wide berth in your entire life.  We actually saw one woman cover her mouth and her daughters as the 4-year-old started coughing again.  The rest of us are laughing our butts off as we congratulate BFF for giving us room to move in the maddening crush.  Apparently, pretending someone has TB is the way to get through a crowd quickly.

The funniest moment by far happened, of course, in the middle of a store.  We were buying the 4-year-old Mickey ears that were Cars themed and were waiting for the Disney cast member to embroider his name on them.  In order to distract the 4-year-old who was getting impatient, BFFE starts discussing with him about how his ears will match his Cars shirt and his Cars shoes.  He got very excited about this.

4 Year Old excitedly to all of us:  “I have on Cars underwears!”

Hubby: “You do?”

4 Year Old:  “Yeah!  Wanna see?”

Hubby:  “No Buddy…I saw them this morning.”

4 Year Old:  “But theys (motioning to everyone else in the store) didn’t.”

Without warning, the 4-year-old then drops his pants in the middle of the store, in front of everyone, to show us that yes indeed, he does have on Cars underwear. He even turned around so the cast member could see.   Hubby graciously says to him “Yeah you do.  Now pull up your pants Buddy.”  Meanwhile, the rest of us are dying from laughter and the cast member is laughing so hard that tears are running down her face.  Only the Griswold family would have a 4-year-old drop trow in the middle of a crowded store just to show us what underwear he was wearing.  It was epic.  And we handled it with the laughter that the situation deserved.  I have talked a lot about parenting fails at DL, but this was a parenting win by far.

All in all, I must admit that it was a fun fun fun trip.  One that only we, as the Griswold Family, could have achieved.  We were a fun group and I hope many more vacations with us all are to come because of moments like this:

The Griswolds ride Heimlich’s Chew Chew Train. What a fantastic group of dorks

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did almost die of laughter on this trip, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl taking a Griswold family vacation Running.  The experiment continues…

Cows, Corn and the Car Ride

Just last week,  I decided to drag BFF to the crazy family reunion we were having in Iowa.  Why?  Well, let’s just say I hang out plenty with her family so it was time for her to experience the crazy Irish loud Midwestern family that I have.  To say there are a lot of us, is quite the understatement.  We were planning on just three generations showing up and that meant about 50-60 of us.  So, after months of planning, Bubby, BFF, Pocket GF and I headed out to Iowa to immerse ourselves in hot dish, Maid-Rites, and Mountain Dew.

We stepped off the flight in Kansas City, collected our bags and headed outside to grab the shuttle to pick up our rental car.  That is when it hit us like a wall of water…humidity.  BFF immediately turned to me and said, “Oh. My. God. What is that?  It feels disgusting out here.” And indeed it did…at 11:30 pm it felt disgusting.  Pocket GF stated she felt as if her already curly hair was getting even curlier.  BFF and Pocket GF had never been to Iowa, so they were unprepared for humidity.  Both of these gals grew up in Arizona, where we lovingly call it a “dry heat”.  Seriously.  It could be 120 degrees outside and feel like you are scorching your skin off, but there is no humidity.  It was so gross.  I actually felt like it was hard to breathe because the air was so thick.  Ew.  How do people live like that?  That, for sure, is one thing I do not miss about living in the Midwest.  My naturally wavy hair immediately began its transformation into what I can only describe as an Afro clown wig.  I would spend the rest of the weekend attempting poorly to tame it into shape.

We stayed the night in KC only due to the red-eye flight we took out of Phoenix. It was a good idea since after picking up our rental car (where the gal told me we didn’t need to pay for a separate driver since Bubby and I were “together”.  Hello!  We are NOT Appalachian! But ok…less fee for us) it was about 1 am.  The car ride began with BFF and I having the following conversation:

BFF: “What is the difference between Kansas City, Missouri and Kansas City, Kansas?

Me: “They are in two different states?”

So our trip to Iowa began in earnest after a quick stop at a McDonald’s.  I am happy to report that EVERYONE was accounted for when we got back into the mini van and began the drive to Iowa. Nobody got left behind this time.  BFF and Pocket GF are in the back seat and I must admit…it is a little like traveling with two 5 year olds in the car.  All Bubby and I could do was shake our heads.  There was constant chatter and singing.  The best part was when they started asking what was growing in the fields as we were passing farms. When I answered corn, the squealing began.  They were that excited about corn. The squealing grew in pitch and tone when they saw…not their favorite NKOTB member…but cows.  Yes, you read that right.  Cows.  Bubby and I are now laughing because they are so excited about cows in fields of grass.  Just your normal everyday cows.  Hanging out.  The best was when we stopped at a rest stop to go pee.  You would have never thought the two of them had ever seen a REAL rest stop.

Now, let me clarify.  In Arizona, rest stops are scary places where you wonder whether or not you are gonna get butt-raped by some homeless vagrant as you attempt to pee.  Sometimes there is just a porta potty to use.  The vending machines, if you are lucky to have them, are locked up and behind cages.  Rest stops are usually things in Arizona we avoid, taking our chances on the homegrown version of herpes that the local gas station has to offer instead.  Rest stops in the Midwest are truly things of beauty.  There are lush lawns, ramadas with picnic tables and grills (yes…people in the Midwest actually use rest stops to eat lunches.  I distinctly remember this from my childhood), vending machines allowed to roam free and not be caged, and this one even had Wi-Fi.  There was one weird thing about the bathroom stalls in these rest areas.  Are they made for midgets?  The stall walls came about to all of our shoulders.  You could literally stand up and see over the stall and ask the person next to you if they were pooping.  I mean, are all the people in Iowa that short that they felt it would provide too much privacy for the stall walls to be higher?  Bubby says it was the same way in the boy’s side, although he was so tall that the walls came to his elbow.  Weirdness.  BFF and Pocket GF wasted no time in taking pictures of the rest stop. It was too cute.

I wasn’t kidding about the photos…Pocket GF shows us her Vanna imitation

The rest of the trip up to my small hometown of Ankeny was pretty uneventful.  The weekend, however, was filled with so much food that I am certain I gained at least 5 lbs in just dessert eating.  I shall save the details of the reunion for my next blog….I am still trying to decide who in my family to embarrass (insert evil laugh here).  I will just say, it was the weirdest surreal moment to see various family members downloading my book onto their phones or e-readers or ordering the paperback off Amazon.  I even watched my Bubby download it in the airport.  I have so much to share with you that I am sure there will be multitudes of blogging to come…for now I shall leave you with BFF entering the state of Iowa

BFF was excited to see the welcome sign and very scared someone would hit her on the side of the road. I told her not to worry….this is Iowa

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today.  I did survive a car ride with two girls who got excited about cows, corn and rest stops but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl surviving the humidity of the Midwest with my afro clown wig and gorged on desserts running.  The experiment continues….

Hey BFF…What’s That In Your Pocket?

When BFF and I travel, there is always something funny that happens.  Seriously.You just can’t make this stuff up either.  It just wouldn’t be a vacation without an funny adventure with the Fat Girl.  My recent jaunt to DL with BFF was no exception.  It was a fun trip and I am pretty sure we ATE our way through the parks, but totally worth it.  We literally had planned our trip according to what we wanted to eat and where….I just don’t see a problem with that.  Thank goodness we got a sleeping compartment on the train this time after our adventure last time with the train being overbooked and all.  Nothing like a little closet to sleep in but at least it is a full bed to lay down on and a guaranteed seat.  I highly recommend the sleeping compartment.  It beats listening to the scary Vet scream out at you thinking you are the enemy when he has an episode of PTSD.

First eating stop on our trip was breakfast at the hotel.  We pulled into town around 0730 and the parks did not open until 9am so we decided to go to Storytellers Cafe at The Grand Californian to eat their Critter Breakfast Buffet.  No…we didn’t actually eat critters at the buffet. It just means that giant furry woodland creatures from the Disney movies roam around and interact with you while you eat (this thought is now probably freaking out my Seester who has this irrational fear of such giant furry creatures).  Makes me wonder how early those employees have to get here and do they ever get hungry watching all of us guests eating the yummy deliciousness that is that breakfast buffet?  So mean to them.  But oh so good.  So BFF and I decide breakfast would be the first order of business for us.  On a side note:  make sure you check with BFF before packing a shirt to change into on the train for the day.  Just check and see what shirt she is wearing because otherwise you end up not ONLY wearing the same exact hoodie but the same exact t-shirt for the day looking like BFF Twinsies.  Yup, that was us.  We always pack clothes to change into and extra emergency undies just in case.  Sometimes several pairs.  I mean you never know when traveling whether or not you will get to your destination with your clothes and always better to have clean spare emergency panties instead of none.  Everything else you can wear for several days but not panties.

This leads me, believe it or not, to what happened at the buffet line.  BFF is ALWAYS cold so rarely do you see her without a hoodie or sweater or something like this on over her shirt.  Going up to the buffet line, this was no exception.  On standing there contemplating whether or not to have french toast that is most certainly coated in crack or various pastries to go with our eggs and mickey shaped waffles, BFF has this questioning look on her face and wonders what in the world is in her pocket.  She reaches into her pocket of her hoodie and starts to pull out something that is very much a leopard print.  As we realize that she has spare emergency panties in her pocket, we both gasp and quickly shove them back in her pocket.  Now we are standing at the buffet laughing our fool heads off over the fact that she has what is decidedly a pair of VS panties in her pocket and nowhere to put them.  You see, we got to the hotel so early and checked in that we left our luggage with bell services till our room was ready.  Which means….we have nowhere to put said emergency panties.  I mean, were we supposed to go up to bell services and hand them a pair of panties to be put with our luggage?  Or ask for access to our luggage to put away the panties right there in the lobby?  Pretty sure I was doubled up with laughter as we realized BFF almost pulled out her panties completely right there in the buffet line with all those families and giant furry woodland creatures around. I mean I guess we could have seen if Chip or Dale would have put on the spare panties, but we really didn’t want to get kicked out of the crack french toast line.  Pretty sure BFF wandered around DL that first day with a pair of leopard print spare emergency panties carefully shoved into the pocket of her hoodie until we could get into our room at 4 pm.  Thank goodness they didn’t come flying out of her pocket as we rode California Screaming or something.  Can you imagine someone’s picture from the ride with BFF’s panties in their face?  Pretty sure that would be hilarious.

We most definitely ate our way through the park though.  Flo’s Cafe with brioche french toast covered in caramel, Dole Whip, Twisty ice cream cones, churros, Carthay Circle (home of the most amazing food in both parks), BBQ meat, wood fired pizza…my pants are getting tighter just thinking about it.  The food there is truly nothing short of amazing.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however think about the best place to pack spare emergency panties when I travel and decide a hoodie pocket might not be the best choice but I didn’t die.  I am fat girl with the funniest BFF in the world and who creates funny adventures when traveling running.  The experiment continues….