On Being Evacuated From Hyperspace Mountain


When you go to a place like Disneyland, they create a certain amount of “magic” on every ride.  They take it very serious.  Once, we asked a Cast Member how Tinkerbell flew over the castle during the fireworks and she answered “Why Pixie Dust, of course!”  We laughed but then tried to ask her again and we got the same answer.  You will recall, that we went this last trip for the Star Wars “magic” and were not disappointed….well, once we were.  Only once.  And this is how BFF and I had to get evacuated from Hyperspace Mountain.

Normally at Disneyland, Space Mountain is a fantastic roller coaster ride in the dark, that simulates you flying through space.  It is so much fun and goes super fast.  For the Star Wars release, Disneyland changed Space Mountain to Hyperspace Mountain and we really had no idea what to expect.  The four of us decided this was one of the first rides we would go get fast passes for since we knew the lines for it were going to be horrendous due to the enhancement.  When we all finally got in line, we were super excited.  You are talking about four Star Wars geeks, all wearing Star Wars t-shirts, getting on a favorite ride (it is BFF’s absolute favorite ride in the park) that is now Star Warsed up.  We climbed into the rocket cars (you step into them as there are no doors) and pulled our lap bars down.  AS we started, and the Stars Wars theme music started, there might have been four Star Wars geeks in the front two rows who all cheered, clapped, and squeed with delight but I can’t be for sure. No really, that happened.  We really did get that excited and the Cast Member sitting up in the “control booth” might have laughed and smiled down at us.  The ride was AMAZING!!  None of us really thought Space Mountain could get any better, but imagine not only flying through space, but being part of a battle between the Rebel Alliance and the Galactic Empire and you have Hyperspace Mountain.  Tie Fighters and X-Wing Fighters swooshing around you, lasers going off in front of you, the Death Star above you….nothing prepared us for the experience of Hyperspace Mountain and we left satisfied and wanting to ride it again immediately.  We did ride it several more times over the next few days, but it was when BFF and I rode just the two of us, that it was not so magical.

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The excitement is real.  As is BFF’s hair in Bubby’s face.

On our last day, BFF and I had these “magic” fast passes from staying at the Grand Californian.  They allowed us to get on any ride that had fast passes available at any time of our choosing.  We chose to use these for one last ride on Hyperspace Mountain since we loved it so much.  We climbed in the back of a rocket car, pulled down our lap bars, and started our journey….well sort of.  As we turned the corner to start the climb up into hyperspace, the lights all came on and our car stopped.  We looked at each other, a little frightened and laughing a bit as we had discussed with Bubby and Pocket Fiance about what this ride must look like with the lights on at some point in line.  All of a sudden, there was a loud booming voice overhead, alerting us to the fact that Cast Members would be by soon to assist us in our evacuation of the ride.  Evacuation?  So, ok….this ride was not gonna happen today.  BFF and I got super nervous….I mean we were on a hill.  How were they gonna get us out?  A few minutes went by and 2 girl Cast members walked by, asked everyone in the cars if we were alright and then let us know that they had to go further in to the ride to rescue those people and would be back for us.  How long was that gonna be?  Were we going to have to resort to cannibalism?  Can we squeeze out of the lap bars ad get out of the cars?  These were all questions we asked each other as we waited and thanked our foresight for having gone to the restroom before the ride.  What seemed like an eternity later, with the same voice repeating the same announcement in this incredibly ear-splitting volume every few minutes, two male Cast Members came by and stood by our cars, joking with us and waiting for the girls to come back before we could be evacuated.  Finally, they climbed down all the stairs (yes!  There are stairs all along the sides) to our car to explain the evacuation procedure.

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Will we have to resort to cannibalism?  This is a pressing question.

The Cast Members explained that they would release the lap bars, we would climb out and slide down the side of the car until we hit the stairs.  Now for the front of the car, this is not that far as they were closer.  For BFF and I, our end of the car, the back end, was about head high for the male Cast Members.  All I could think of, as I watched the people in front of me easily climb out of the car, was how in the world was I going to hoist my Fat Girl Butt over the edge of this rocket car and slide down it to the ground below?  It was a real concern.  I really did not know how I was going to get over the side of the car.  I was starting to sweat with stress, knowing that everyone is going to be watching The Fat Girl attempt to hoist herself out of the car and not fall.  I started to giggle nervously as I waited for my turn to come.  The lap bar was released and all the people in front of BFF and I got out easily.  Then it was my turn.  Oh lordy.  Here we go.  I turned and tried to figure out how I was gonna get over the side.  I can’t lift myself up with my arms cuz I am fat.  As I struggled for what felt like forever but in reality was only a minute or two, the Cast Member asked me if I needed help.  Yeah.  The last thing I need is to crush some poor Cast Member as I fall out of the damn ride. Or to be the one person, the Fat Girl, that has to be helped out of the ride, with some sort of crane, because I am too fat to do it myself.  I finally figured out if I stood up on the seat, I could slide down the car, my shirt riding up the entire time exposing my stoob to everyone, and safely land on the floor.  Yeah that wasn’t embarrassing at all.  BFF climbed out easily and our group is led out through the empty building.  It was way creepy, the empty building with all the lights on and nobody around.  The good thing to come out of being rescued from a ride?  They give you and even more “magic” fast pass that is good for immediate entrance to any ride in the park.  ANY ride people!  BFF and I chose wisely and used it for Peter Pan…Booyah to not having to wait that 45 minute wait! SCORE!

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When the lights come on, it is not so Hyperspacey or magical for that matter.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  BFF and I did have a not so magical experience and have to e rescued from Hyperspace Mountain, but we didn’t die (or result to cannibalism I am happy to report).  I am Fat Girl who extricated herself from the rocket car and showed a bunch of strangers my stoob but got a magic fast pass and bypassed everyone on Peter Pan Running.  The experiment continues….

The Day Pocket Fiance Discovered I Am A Robot


One of the reasons we went to Disneyland this last trip was to see all the Star Wars:  Seasons of the Force stuff that Disney was putting out special for the geeky fans like us.  Remember how I told you that we went into a building where all these cool Star Wars exhibits were (and where upon exiting I learned I could fly)?  Well, at the top floor of this building was Super Hero HQ, since Disney owns Marvel, and we went up there to meet some Avengers and look at that stuff too.  I mean might as well, right?  It was in this moment that my future sister in law (AKA Pocket Fiance) discovered I am really a robot.

We went up and had our picture taken with Spider-Man first and that was pretty cool.  The cast members really get into these photo ops and some of them were dressed as Agents of Shield and were busy talking with us like they were really secret agents.  Spider-Man was pretty cool and played around with us while posing for photos.  Then as we walked around, we saw we could also meet Thor.  And who doesn’t want to meet Thor?  So we got in line and stood there before a door waiting to get to enter.  BFF and I had met Thor on a previous visit, but I had forgotten exactly what the whole experience was like, maybe because I was so excited to meet Thor.  Okay, I realize it isn’t the REAL Thor, but these photo ops are just as fun for adults as they are for kids.  The door opened and we were ushered into a small room with replicas of props they used in the movies (or artifacts from Thor’s planet, Asgard, as they were labeled).  We stood there wondering where Thor was and suddenly I realized we were actually shut in this tiny room.  That the door had been closed behind us.  Hmmmmm…..what the heck?   We all stood there, confused, looking at each other with might have been a little panic on mine and Pocket Fiance’s faces.

Suddenly, there was a voice above us.  A loud, booming voice stating he was Thor’s father Odin and that we were being taken to Asgard via the BiFrost (the bridge that connects our two planets).  I didn’t sign up for that.  I only signed up for a picture with Thor.  Interplanetary travel was not in the program.  We all started giggling (mine might have been nervous laughter) and Bubby might have said “What the hell Disney?” and then it happened.  Above us, what appeared as gas came out of the ceiling (I now know it was fog)and surrounded us with a loud hissing sound.  At this point, I was convinced we were in a Disney Gas Chamber and we were going to die.  I started to freak out just a bit.  Now let me explain something….sometimes when I freak out, I do this weird very sharp movement with my head that is almost bird like as I look around.  This is what I started doing as I was looking for an escape hatch to what I was sure was going to be my death in Disneyland.  I didn’t want to die trying to meet Thor and end up stuck as one of the dolls in the It’s a Small World ride singing that irritating song for eternity.  What type of living Hell would that be?  A horrible outcome I was sure was about to happen as I frantically looked above me in that robotic, bird like motion and tried not to inhale the Disney gas that was coming down around us.  Of course, that only induced a coughing fit which made BFF concerned my asthma was going to kick in and kill me.  I thought I really might get killed by this gas or my asthma would flare up so bad I couldn’t handle whatever was going on.  My slight freak out caused my future sister in law to burst into laughter as she also exclaimed “Are we being gassed?”  while I said “I think this might be a gas chamber” softly to my Bubby, who also burst into laughter.

As the gas/fog cleared, I looked up and standing before us in a large room that wasn’t there before (what kind of sorcery was this?  Disney magic?), with his arms up in the air, hammer in one of them was Thor.  His booming voice invited us into meet him and I stood there wondering if I was hallucinating from the gas.  It was the best experience I have ever had meeting a character at Disneyland.  Pocket Fiance is still giggling and BFF is shaking her head at me as we filed in to meet Thor. He even picked someone from the  group of people we were with to try and lift his hammer.  We got our pictures taken with Thor and left, finding ourselves still in the same building we were in before. I might have been a little sad we didn’t actually travel to Asgard, but I was grateful I did not end up as a creepy doll in It’s A Small World ride.  I would have been put back in the corner where Ireland has one doll and a leprechaun and been forced to sing that song out of my weird mechanical mouth.  As we left, I stated to everyone that I really did think that we were being gassed at one point and Pocket Fiance started laughing hysterically.  She said when she saw me freaking out that one thought went through her head:  “And on that day,  I learned my sister in law was a robot.”  This made all of us laugh even more hysterically because I can only imagine what I looked like to everyone else in that room/gas chamber.  Like a robot.

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The mighty Thor!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however take a trip to Asgard to meet Thor, in which I really thought we were trapped in Disney gas chamber, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who is NOT a robot despite what Pocket Fiance thinks Running.  The experiment continues….

I Believe I Can Fly and SURPRISE!!


Sometimes you discover new things about yourself through an event in your life.  It can be a minor event or a major one, or it can be a brief moment in time.  This is what happened to me when we went to Disneyland this past weekend for our annual We Hate Football So Who Cares About the Superbowl Trip.  In one fleeting moment, I discovered I was a superhero and could fly.

This trip was with Bubby and Pocket Fiance because of all the Star Wars: Seasons of the Force special stuff Disneyland has going on right now, so four little Geeks decided to make sure we got to see all the Star Wars things that were going on.  This included a special exhibit over in one of the buildings that contained props, movie clips, merchandise, and even photos with two characters from the movie.  We were super excited.  We could have spent a long time in this exhibit.  But one thing stopped us…the fullness of our bladders.  In the middle of meeting characters and looking at all things geeky, the girls all had to use the restroom.  So we went out to find the closest one to where we were located.  As we left the building, we had a conversation:

Me:  “Where is the nearest restroom anyways?”

BFF:  “I think by Space Mountain.  We are gonna have to sprint because I have to pee that bad.”

Disney Cast Member:  “Are you looking for the closest restroom?”

BFF:  “Yeah…by Space Mountain is the closest one.”

Disney Cast Member:  “You would be wrong.  There is one right around the corner.”

BFF:  “It’s like a secret restroom!  Score!” (she might have done a little dance or was just trying not to pee her pants)

As we walked down the steps to turn the corner, I stepped to avoid an older couple coming up the stairs.  As I did so, somehow, my right foot rolled underneath me.  And not just turned wrong.  It felt as though it turned completely backward and upside down.  I was waiting to hear a crack as I stumbled and tried to stay upright.  The pavement was coming straight for my head and all I could think was that I was going to face plant on the cement stairs and tumble down them, thereby ending our vacation as I would have suffered a severe head injury and broken bones.  I grabbed the banister as I flew through the air, did a pirouette type move, and might have remained airborne for a few moments.  I also might have thought “I CAN fly!” as I stumbled and tried to stay upright.  I heard Pocket Fiance gasp and say “OH NO!” and I heard BFF sharply intake her breath.  I stumbled through the air and down the stairs and somehow, I landed on both feet, a few stair steps down from where I started.  I turned and looked up at Pocket Fiance and BFF and saw the horror on their faces and the Cast Member starting towards me, so I looked down and saw my foot was still attached to my leg and was turned the correct way.  Whew.  It was still attached.  That would have been so gross if my foot was not attached to my body anymore or turned the wrong way like I had thought.  That would have put a damper on our vacation and might have turned Disneyland’s Star Wars exhibit into a real bloody battlefield.  Pretty sure I might have given the Cast Member who witnessed my flight a heart attack as well.  That would have been a mountain of paperwork for her.

I quickly tested out the ankle and even though it hurt, I was able to walk.   I have never seen people rush towards me so fast ever, as I was walking gingerly on my ankle towards the secret restroom. BFF and Pocket Fiance got on either side of me and BFF checked me out with her nursing skills.  She agreed my foot was still attached and she could not believe it.  I guess from where they were located behind me, it really did look like I flew through the air.  BFF told me she she actually thought I had broken not only my ankle, but also my leg and wanted to know how the hell I was still walking.  I had no idea.  I should have broken at least my ankle.  I should have fallen head first down cement stairs and gotten a head injury.  Instead, I was able to walk to the restroom…thank goodness.  My ankle was slightly tender the rest of the day, but strangely enough, there was no swelling or bruising.  Huh.  I guess I did fly for a few moments.  Also, all my classical ballet training must have come in handy.  Yippee for flexible joints!

One last thing….I met with Boss Bean while I was there and guess what?  Son of Sofa comes out on Sunday!!!  SURPRISE!!  Yes!  Valentine’s Day!  The perfect gift for that person in your life or you tell your sweetie that it will be here just in time!  No joke… it will finally be here for you all to read to your heart’s content.  I super hope all my readers love it and share the love.  Boss Bean told BFF and I that people were emailing her asking about when it is going to release and that also thrills me to no end.  This mean you all are just as excited as myself.  Feel free to download and share the graphic with everyone you know.  And feel free to share with me when you get your copy!  Post photos on my Facebook page or tag me on Instagram and Twitter!  I want to see you with my book!!  Whoot Whoot!

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Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  Instead, I discovered that I could fly and that I am super glad I was a ballerina in a past life but I didn’t die (or break anything either).  I am Fat Girl believing I can fly with a book coming out on Sunday Running.  The experiment continues….

 

Why BFF and I Do Not Like to People


At the beginning of December, BFF and I decided to try something new…you see Phoenix Comicon had started doing a FanFest last December and our inner geeks were dying to go and get our geek on so we went.  I would say this was like Comicon Lite….a smaller version of the main event in June but with a smaller venue, fewer guests and such.  It is even held at a completely different place than the main one.  We were pretty stoked though, as December means BBC isn’t filming and so this means a lot of BBC stars were going to be at FanFest.  We were most excited about two in particular:  for BFF it was Gareth David-Lloyd (Ianto from Torchwood) and for myself it was Karen Gillian (Amy Pond from Doctor Who).  So, reservations were made, photo ops purchased and the planning began.  You all know how BFF and I hate to people but really we hate to people in large crowds and any type of event like this was sure to bring people and not just any people…Comicon people.  Let’s be honest….you have read before about the strange people we meet at Comicon and this was no exception.  One such incident really stressed why BFF and I do not like to people in this case.

Since this was a smaller event, the main panels were in a largish room, but not as huge as the ballrooms at the convention center.  We discovered that this meant not as many people in the panels and you could basically get pretty close to the front without having to wait through the entire day, which I must admit was kind of nice.  We had decided to go to a film screening the first day that Gareth David-Lloyd was starring in and hosting the panel afterwards.  We had arrived early during another panel (per usual and before we realized we probably didn’t have to do so) and moved up when that panel was over to the 3rd row to get a get view of the screen and of course Gareth himself during the panel.  You have to understand something here…BFF is obsessed with Ianto Jones.  About as much as she is obsessed with Barrowman.  Like legit obsessed.  I was afraid she would lick him or something during our photo op but luckily she contained herself and just squealed and jumped up and down afterwards (it was pretty adorable).  So there we were, minding our own business, waiting the 30 minutes before the film screening to start when the incident happened.

BFF was crocheting Stormtroopers to give to her family for Christmas and I was messing around on Facebook and Snapchat (follow me there for funny stuff  ——> ladymiryaa).  No really, BFF was crocheting Stormtroopers.  Except for they didn’t have arms so they looked….well….like a penis.  No joke, BFF turned to me and asked me what it looked like and without hesitation, I answered “A Dicktrooper”….hence they became known as Dicktroopers till they got their arms attached.  No joke.  Judge for yourself.

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Admit it…it looks like a penis.  #dicktrooper

Like I said, we were minding our own business, when a lady came up and asked if the seats next to us were taken.  We were the only ones in the entire row.  Do we look like we have that many friends?  Nope.  Seats aren’t taken.  Much to BFF’s chagrin, Strange Lady sits right NEXT to her…no comfort chair between them…and let’s just say she is not a small lady.  She practically sat ON BFF.  I looked around to see if there were other seats this Strange Lady could have taken…pretty sure most of the room was empty.  Unfortunately for BFF, this Strange Lady was a talker.  Like a she won’t shut up no matter how much you ignore her or have RBF talker.  I actually leaned over to BFF at one point and asked her if she wanted to switch seats but she said no.  She should have taken me up on it.  BFF has since stated that she is the Wife of the Mayor of Poopsville (remember him??)  and I believe her.  Poor BFF.  She was forced to make small talk with the Wife of the Mayor of Poopsville even though she didn’t want to people right then.  At all.  She was soon spared more chitter chatter when the film started and she shut the fuck up.

After the film was over, Gareth David-Lloyd and the guys who made the film held a panel where people could ask questions and they could talk about the film.  It was awesome.  So if you ever get a chance to see the movie I Am Alone, do it.  You won’t regret it. let me tell you something about BFF and I when it comes to panels at a Comicon event.  There is NO WAY IN HELL we are going to get up and ask as question.  Ummm…nope.  Hard pass.  We just enjoy listening to the questions others as and the answers the panelists give.  Our introvertness would never allow us to get up and do something like that in public.  So we sat, listened and endured the Wife of the Mayor of Poopsville, who by the way, had finally moved over enough to where she was not sitting on top of BFF.  The panel ended and the moderator told all those that had asked a question to come up and see him (remember way smaller group of people).  We packed up our stuff quickly and tried to get the hell away from the Wife of the Mayor of Poopsville.  As we were walking out, we heard her say “Nurse?  Oh Nurse? Excuse me Nurse?” (at some point BFF had said she was a nurse to her) and I think we both groaned out loud.   We turned around to see her frantically trying to catch up with us and as she did she asked us the most bizarre question.  The conversation went something like this:

WotMP:  “When you go up to get your prize for asking a question, can I have it?”

BFF (with severe RBF and super annoyed now):  “I didn’t ask a question.”

WotMP (confusion on her face):  “Yes you did.  And the moderator said you should go up and get something.  Can I have whatever you get?”

BFF (Murderface has now replaced RBF and she might punch this lady in the vagina):  “I did not ask a question.” (mind you we are still walking at this point) followed quickly by me stating: “No she didn’t.”

WotMP (even more confused and adamant): “Yes you did!”

Me (now I am pissed and want to punch her in the throat and the vagina):  “No she didn’t.  And she never would. So go away.”

At this point we were able to walk away from WotMP and out of the room and looked at each other incredulously.  First off, who the fuck are you to ask us if you can have whatever swag or photo or whatever was being given out for asking questions in a small panel?  We don’t know you.  Neither one of us asked a question.  Not once.  We might have drooled over Gareth but NEVER would we have asked a question.  Secondly, don’t you think we are fans too?  We would probably want whatever was being given to us for asking a question so why the fuck would we give it to you?  Go away.  We are not friends.  And lastly…who the fuck do you think you are?  Rude.  Can you not tell we don’t like to people?  OMG….you cannot sit with us.  Period.  Rude.

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You can’t sit with us.  For reals.  Go away WotMP.

This is exactly why BFF and I don’t like to people at events.  Unless we know you.  Nope.  Because of weird rude experiences like this one.  Guess we need to practice our #murderfaces instead like someone else we know (BS girls you know who I am talking about!).  Seriously we don’t like to people.  Despite the WofMP, the day was not a waste because this happened and BFF’s smile says it all:

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Ianto!  He even said “I will be the filling in your sandwich any day!”  Swoon.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however discover that there is a new level to the weird and rude people you can meet at events like Fanfest which almost made me punch someone in the throat and vagina but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl working on my #murderface and meeting Ianto Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

The Fat Girl And Humidity….Two Things That Should NOT Mix


There are two things that do not go well together…..The Fat Girl and heat with humidity.  Unfortunately, these two things came together on this last visit to Disneyland because we chose to go in the summer.  It was gross.  You have to remember, we come from Arizona where there is not this thing called humidity.  I swear humidity makes it feel even hotter than without it.  I mean, yes, in Phoenix it can be over 100 degrees and feel like an oven but I can’t even imagine that temperature with humidity.  I am pretty sure that people could not survive.  Anticipating this change for us, BFF and I were somewhat prepared as we packed tank tops, light weight shirts, and no dark colors.  As we hit the park, however, I realized quite quickly that I was not prepared for what humidity would do to me.  These two things really should not mix.

It literally took just a few moments for me to feel the heat as we walked into the park.  It felt so oppressive.  I am pretty sure I started to sweat not too soon after we started walking to ride our first ride.  As the day wore on, it felt hotter and hotter, which meant one thing…I sweated more and more.  There was sweat in places there should not be sweat.  There was sweat in my fat rolls.  If you do not have fat rolls, then you do not understand how miserable this can make you feel.  You see, when your sweat gets in your fat rolls, you feel as if you are swimming in a pool of your own bodily secretions in places that should not feel wet.  Then there is the problem of what then happens….your shirt sticks to you and the excreted bodily function then leaves a most unpleasant wet spot on your clothes as if to say “Look here!  This is a Fat Girl and here is her fat roll!  Just in case you could not see it, I have conveniently outlined it for your viewing pleasure!”  It is really quite embarrassing.  As if I didn’t already feel fat enough with my shirt sticking to me, now there are wet spots outlining my fat rolls.  Just great.

Do you like how I even found a Disney meme?  I have some serious skills
Do you like how I even found a Disney meme? I have some serious skills

Another thing that happens when you are sweating like a whore in church, is that eventually you have to pee because you guzzling fluids like they are going out of style.  This requires somehow peeling off your denim capris that have now formed a sort of second skin to your legs.  I mean, I could have just peed through them I guess.  No one would have been the wiser.  Or even better, I should have gone and ridden a water ride and just peed my pants because really no one would have known.  Dang…why didn’t I think of that sooner?  After slowly extricating myself from my capris enough to go pee, I then had to get them back on.  I somehow managed to shimmy the fabric back up my fat thighs and went to go wash my hands and meet BFF only to discover that the fabric was not in the right place.  How in God’s green earth did that happen?  Holy cow they felt like they were giving me wedgies both in the front and in the back at the same time while turning my unders into a twisted mess that I could not gracefully pull out of my crack.  For shits sake.  I literally had to do some creative walking and almost had to go back into a stall to fix them so I wouldn’t be walking like my unders were twisted and up my butt crack all day.  Miserable I was.

We managed to find ways to try to keep cool which involved drinking lots of water, my favorite Dole Whip of course, a pitcher of frozen margaritas (which led to some shopping) and we even rode rides like Small World, which we normally avoid because that song gets stuck in your head the whole day (and now I have put it in yours and you are welcome) and they place all the lost children in there as dolls.  Why did we ride it?  Because it was air-conditioned.  I believe BFF and I both took a short nap on that ride, all the whole trying to cool off our armpits and offend everyone around us as our deodorant gave out hours before.  No joke.  BFF even said to me as we were standing in the cramped confined line of Peter Pan “I believe my deodorant gave out.  As did everyone else around us.  I can smell me and that is never very good.”  I just laughed because I felt the same and wasn’t sure if it was me or her or everyone else we were smelling at that point.  We even rode the roller coasters over and over as they created breezes to cool us off.  The worst was waiting in lines that didn’t have shade because that made it even hotter.  While waiting in line for the Matterhorn (which was 45 minutes), I left to go get us something to drink.  I walked over to Tomorrowland and found the best thing ever to drink when it is hot as Hades.  Frozen Lemonade.  I quickly bought 2 and walked back carrying two cups of frozen joy that would give us brain freeze but who cares.  BFF saw me and started rejoicing.  She might have squeed and jumped a little when she saw frozen lemonade.  Se even declared me a genius.  This blessedly cool drink kept us from melting and we waited in the line giving ourselves brain freeze and really wishing we could slather it on our bodies to cool off.  I think it is a reasonable thought to have!

Spoons?  We don't need no stinking spoons!
Spoons? We don’t need no stinking spoons!

Even though it was blessed hot and sticky and we stunk by the end of the day, it was such a fun trip.  If you have a chance to go while they are celebrating the 60th Anniversary of the park, then do so….you will not be disappointed!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that humidity and sweating do not make it easy to get your pants off to pee but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who hates to be sweaty and sticky but loves Dole Whip Running.  The experiment continues….

Road Trip With BFF in Which I Learn My Vagina is NOT a Wine Bottle


I love a good road trip with BFF…she is a fun passenger to have and quite entertaining as I am sure you can imagine.  The two of us can keep each other entertained for hours on end.  We have now driven twice to Disneyland and had a blast each time.  It seems that at some point in any road trip, the drive can get a little monotonous.  For us, this is the part of the drive in the Mojave desert from Needles to Barstow, CA.  Seriously, that must be the armpit of America.  Not only is this part of the drive boring, but there are literally NO places to go potty.  No rape stops…uh…I mean rest stops at all in between.  Herein lies the problem I encountered this time on our way to DL.

Last time when we drove through the Mojave, it was at night so the drive was not as boring because we could not see how boring it is I think.  Plus, we stopped in Needles to gas up and that helped right before we hit the armpit portion of the drive.  We won’t talk about the scary gas station restroom we used there and how we might have been afraid we might get murdered since it was like 10 pm and the door was broken.  If the guys working hadn’t been so nice, I might have been afraid they were gonna tie us up and take us to their hideout in the foothills of the desert where we would have starred in our personal horror movie of some sorts.  We vowed to never use that Murder station as a potty break again.  This time, we gassed up in Kingman, so we didn’t need to stop for gas in Needles.  Of course, this means we didn’t stop to potty either, maybe out of fear that we would not remember and hit the same Murder station or what, but we just kept going.  Of course, we had a cooler full of water and Gatorade and sodas which I decided was a great idea to down several of these on the way into the armpit portion of the drive.  No worries…Barstow can’t be that far, right?  WRONG.

Ever notice how when you REALLY have to pee that there is never a place to go and it occupies your entire mind?  A few miles can seem like torture.  I started feeling like I had to pee and of course trued to will it away seeing as how we were in the middle of the desert.  For those of you not aware, there are no bushes or trees to hide you on the side of the road when you drive through the desert.  There is nothing.  Literally.  I tried everything to ignore how bad I had to go.  I changed positions, moved the seatbelt, sang some songs, and attempted to not think about how full my bladder was getting every second.  I mean, there was no way I wanted to pee on the side of the road.  It was like a scene out of The Hills Have Eyes out there and I could see myself getting dragged away still peeing the entire time so the only way for someone to find me before I got turned into a dinner was a stream of pee that would dry up in the sun anyways.  I was doomed.  I needed to find a rape stop at this point.  For reals.  It was starting to get so desperate that I was looking ahead on the horizon for any signs of a gas station or an exit, thinking it couldn’t be that far.  I was squirming in my seat when BFF announces she also has to pee.  Dang it.  We should have stopped.  BFF states hers isn’t dire but I tell her mine is and she notices how visibly uncomfortable I am.  Then my kidneys started to hurt and I knew with my history that I had to stop…and soon….like NOW.  I told BFF I would have to stop and soon so she started looking as well.

Finally, I decided I could not wait any more.  I turned to BFF and said “Eff this.  I am pulling off and using the side of the road.”  BFF looked at me incredulously probably thinking that there was no way I could pull this off with no cover and that I might get dragged off to my doom into the desert as well.  I quickly scanned the horizon for another option and seeing nothing but desert and highway, I made my decision and seeing a widened area, I pulled off and grabbed some tissues.  I could see BFF still trying to figure out how this was gonna work when I opened the back door and waving at her through her window, I grabbed the handle of her door and yelled “Don’t look!”  to which of course she turned and yelled back “Well, now all I can do is look!”  Blocked by the back door to oncoming traffic, I dropped trow and proceeded to feel that sweet release as I made sure I didn’t pee on my shoes or pants due to al the rocks.  A wide stance is quite recommended in this situation in case you didn’t know.  Guys have it so easy.  They don’t have to worry about their pants or their shoes or flash their bare white ass to the oncoming semi truck drivers, thereby blinding them with its brightness and causing a traffic accident.  I swear I peed for like ten minutes and really felt like I only topped off my bladder enough to get me to the next rape stop to properly use a bathroom.

Climbing back in the car, BFF explains to me she is amazed I did that as she could never pee on the side of the road without peeing on herself.  Then this conversation happened as I drove off in search of a proper toilet:

Me:  “Pretty sure I didn’t even pee all that is in there cuz I still have to go.”

BFF:  “You peed for like ten minutes I swear.  I thought you had been dragged off into the desert and I was gonna die in the car.”

Me:  “It was like I pulled the cork on my bladder and it kept coming.”

BFF who looks at me quietly for a minute:  “Did you seriously just compare your vagina to a wine bottle?  Your vagina is not a wine bottle.  You cannot uncork it.”

Insert hysterical laughter and maybe some pee in our panties here.  I love her.  Best road companion on the planet.  You know you wanna take a road trip with us.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that we should probably make a pee stop BEFORE we hit the armpit portion of our drive but I didn’t die.  I am the Fat Girl who learned her vagina is NOT a wine bottle Running.  The experiment continues….

The Disneyland Christmas Parade Event: Another Guide to Life by BFF


Since my last post was about Disneyland and BFF, I thought I would tell you some more good ways to handle people per BFF.  I mean, she has some major people skills my friends.  Not many people can pull off kicking a kid in line and what happened at the Christmas parade like BFF.  She can handle people in a parade crowd like no other.  Let’s just say I would not want to get on her bad side…like ever.  She is one tough tiny little Mexican woman!  Now that I have you intrigued, let’s get on with our story.  The Disneyland Christmas Parade Event…

We were at DL right as they started the Christmas season this past trip and we were thrilled.  We normally go at Halloween so to go at Christmas time (even thought it was November) was a nice change and so much fun.  If you have never gone there on a holiday, I highly recommend it,  There is nothing like a good Disney magic and the holidays put together.  We were stoked that they had a Christmas parade and planned our schedule accordingly.  Ever been at DL and seen people sitting along the curb of Main Street and wondered why? They are waiting for the parade to start.  Know this about catching a parade at House of Mouse:  you NEED to plan to sit for the parade along the route about an hour in advance if you want a good front row seat and don’t want to be peering over the heads of anyone else.  We usually take this time to send one of us to get a snack and enjoy the people watching.  It is a good time to sit, rest your feet and enjoy all the craziness around you.  We actually found a bench and were thrilled we didn’t have to sit on the ground, so we staked out the bench, got a bucket of popcorn and sodas and enjoyed our break about an hour before the parade was scheduled to start.  Now remember, we are not the only ones doing this.  Lots of families are also camped out with blankets and snacks…little ones napping in strollers placed carefully behind them and people saving spots with jackets and such.  It is a common practice.  We had a nice conversation with the older lady and her son sitting on the bench next to us and were enjoying the little girls dressed as Elsa next to us who were beside themselves waiting to see the Princesses in the parade.

Disney is fantastic announcing that the parade is going to start and they do so over the loudspeakers about 30 minutes ahead of time.  So really, unless you are in a bubble while you are there, you know the parade is about to start by the gathering crowd, the vendor carts trolling the parade route to sugar up your children and spend your last few dollars on light up balloons and other crap to entertain them while they wait, the Cast members roping off the area and did I mention the announcements over the loud speakers?  Not to mention, they hand you a schedule when you walk in the park with the parade times on it.  People start to get hurried around the 15 minute mark and try to quickly find space for their kiddos to see without being blocked….although usually all the good spots are gone by then. Several times, we told people that no they could not sit in front of us and they assumed we were saving spots and left.   Five minutes before the parade is to reach us, we can hear the music from where it has already started coming down the route and we see families start to get frantic about finding spots.  Timing people.  Timing and planning will save you this stress.  We are excited to see the parade when all of a sudden…it happened…the Disneyland Christmas Parade Event.

A woman, her husband, and two small children in a stroller (both under 3) come running down the parade route frantically looking for a place to watch the parade.  They see us sitting on our bench (although we were planning on standing once the parade started to get pictures) and the Mom decides to run over to us park her stroller in front of us and not say a word.  Wrong move.  We both immediately stand up and BFF starts to have a conversation with the Mom.  It goes like this:

BFF:  “I’m sorry.  You can’t stand here or park your stroller here.  We were planning on standing for the parade and you are in front of us.  If you could please move, that would be great.”

Mom (looking shocked and annoyed):  “Look lady.  We didn’t know we would be caught up in this and we need a place to watch.”

BFF (raising eyebrows and standing a little taller):  “I am sorry but we have been here for over an hour.  You should have planned better.  These are our spots so you need to move.  Now.”

Annoying Mother with a Huge Stroller (whose husband is now trying to pull her away):  “You don’t need to be so nasty!  This is Disneyland for Christ’s sake!  I have two small children in a stroller here!!”  She has now resorted to yelling at BFF…wrong move number 2.

BFF (now pulling out all her Mexican and getting in the Shouting Mother’s face):  “I am not being nasty.  I am telling you next time to plan better and get here an hour early like we did.  Your children are too young to even care about the parade anyways. You are being rude and need to leave.  Like RIGHT NOW.” I am now terrified BFF with hand me her purse, take off her earrings and kick off her shoes like the Mexican girl she is and we will get kicked out because she will kick some Soccer Mom’s jogging booty over a place to watch the parade.  What am doing?  Standing behind her saying things like “Yeah!” and “Leave” and other such one word retorts and making faces like a good Fat Girl sidekick.

Angry Soccer Mom who needs a Dole Whip to the face:  “You have ruined my children’s trip to Disneyland!”  Her husband is now anxiously pulling her away and has yet to say a word…pussy.  I would be scared of BFF too…or maybe he was scared of his wife.

BFF (as Disgruntled Mom indignantly strides off looking back at us with all the venom she can muster):  “Your children don’t even have formative memory!  They won’t remember this trip!”  We then high-fived each other.

Pretty sure the couple next to us gave us a round of applause probably because they were afraid to cross us.  I wouldn’t either…BFF can handle her own when she is fighting for a spot to watch the parade from!  Needless to say, we enjoyed the parade without a stroller in front of us taking our spots we had sought out an hour ahead of time. Planning people.  Planning will make your trip oh so much better.  Sigh.  But BFF…she is awesome.  I love her.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however witness my BFF go all Mexican on a Soccer Mom over a spot to watch the Disneyland Christmas Parade but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with another Guide to Life by BFF Running.  The experiment continues…