How I Almost Became a Yeti Snack


Recently, BFF and I did a thing. We went to Florida and Walt Disney World for the first time! Well, technically, it was not my first time as I had been as a small child, but I do not really remember any of it. So, when I got invited to be a part of the Shameless book signing, we decided to make a vacation and spend a week out in Florida playing as only the two of us could play at all the parks. By all, I really do mean all. Go home or go big, right? We really had no idea what to expect having never been there before and had no idea that people plan their fast passes out in advance. We just decided to go with the flow and grab whatever fast passes for rides that we could on the day we were in the parks. BFF and I are pretty laid back and really just wanted to experience the parks. Little did I know, one of the rides would be one of the most terrifying and thrilling rides I have ever been on.

We decided to hit Animal Kingdom as a half day as I had the book signing to get to that night. WOW. We totally underestimated how amazing Animal Kingdom truly is. Next time, we have decided to spend a full day there as it exceeded our expectations. I was in awe over all there was to see and do. Once we were in the park, we were able to grab a fast pass for a ride called Expedition Everest. We had no idea what the ride was or what was going to happen when we rode it. We decided to walk towards it and see what it was. As we approached, we saw what looked to like the Matterhorn and we were excited to see that Expedition Everest was a roller coaster as we both love coasters. I was a little apprehensive as I do not like the unknown but I was also excited.

The scene as we walked up to what would soon be the source of terror and panic

As we got in line to ride the ride, I convinced myself that this was some sort of take on the Matterhorn at Disneyland so there must be a Yeti. Oh the Yeti. I have a love hate relationship with that Yeti. I love the story and the atmosphere of the Matterhorn, but I truly hate how terrified the Yeti makes me feel. No really terror is how that Yeti makes me feel. It is dumb, I know. But all his growling and the darkness and the fast jerky movements of the Matterhorn makes the little girl in me terrified. I would even close my eyes as we approached where I knew the old school Yeti to be stationed before the ride was refurbished.  Now with the new scarier upgraded Yeti, it is even worse.  I have no idea why the Yeti terrifies me so much but it really does.  And we will not even talk about how much riding the Matterhorn at night makes me panic but I do it anyways.  So my panic over the unknown of Expedition Everest was now rising with the thought of the Yeti being in the ride as well. It was a panic mixed with excitement of the coaster and I was anxious to ride it and see what it was like.

We climbed into our train car and I could already tell my anxiety was rising. The story in the ride line definitely told the story of the Yeti so I was hoping he would not be in the ride scaring me. But something told me he would be. Damn. We climbed in and I got ready. As the ride took off into a huge hill, my panic and fear also included not knowing what was going to happen and I started my nervous giggling that BFF finds hilarious. She knew I was nervous and just told me it would be okay, patting my hand like I was a small child. Then the ride took off down the hill and I was left screaming and laughing as I saw the signs of the Yeti flashing by me at high speeds. Oh no.  I was right.  Then, all of a sudden, the ride stopped. I mean a dead stop.  At the top of the mountain, the track in front of us was all mangled.  It was obvious the Yeti was to blame for the destruction. Having the ride at a complete stop made my panic rise even higher. I turned to BFF and this conversation happened:

Me (in a panic filled voice which might have been an octave higher): “Is this normal? Is the ride supposed to stop? Why is the track mangled? What is happening? Am I going to die? Is the Yeti going to eat me?”

BFF: “Why are you asking me? I have never ridden this either!”

Stranger in front of us turns around all excited: “OH YEAH! This is totally normal! We are about to plunge backward into total darkness as the Yeti chases us!”

Me (now totally terrified and my eyes popping out of my head): “WHAAAAAAAAT?”

BFF to total stranger: “Um, thanks for absolutely terrifying my best friend. So glad you didn’t say anything before we got on!”

And then I was plunged to my doom backwards in the dark without any warning with the growling Yeti chasing us and I am sure all BFF could hear was my total screams of terror. The ride stopped again in a few seconds. In a cave. A Yeti cave. WTF. This was the worst ride in the history of rides. What is going to happen? Is the Yeti going to come up out of this cave and take me into his lair to be his next snack? Why Disney why? First the almost gassing when I met Thor and now I was to be devoured by the Yeti in some cave in Animal Kingdom? Disney why you got to be like this? Luckily I did not have time to do anything but leave my screams of panic and terror in the cave as the ride quickly continued. Thank goodness I was not to be a Yeti snack. This time.

As the ride came to an end, BFF turned to me with her smile of glee and saw the fear, panic and tears on my face (which in reality were from the speed of the coaster and not my sheer terror of the Yeti) and she immediately was like “OH NO! Are you okay?” Shakily as the adrenaline of the ride surged through my veins, I replied “That was fun! And so scary! I hate the Yeti! I thought I was going to be eaten!” and I meant it. I really did enjoy it, terror and all. The total stranger that had been in front of us was laughing as she climbed out of the car, probably at my screams throughout most of the ride as BFF again thanked her for not telling me about the ride in advance. I walked out of the ride, my limbs feeling like jello from the adrenaline and fear, my heart racing, and I actually was clutching my chest as BFF and I discussed how fun the ride was even though I secretly thought the Yeti might still be behind me waiting to eat me. I might have sneaked a look behind me when BFF wasn’t looking just to be sure. Damn Yeti.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did almost have a panic attack on a ride at Animal Kingdom because of the Yeti but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who was almost a Yeti snack Running. The experiment continues…

In Which I Learn BFF Has Limits to Saving Me or How I Almost Gained Lame Superhero Powers


You know how people state things like “I would do anything for you” but then you learn those limits of the things they absolutely will NOT do? I learned BFF has a limit on our last trip to Disneyland. Don’t get me wrong, she would absolutely do anything if my life was threatened but there was one thing she will not do apparently and it involves giant June bugs.

We had decided to ride Guardians of the Galaxy because the wait was less than 30 minutes. We were in the outside portion of the line and trying to go from one shady spot to another as it was slightly warm, discussing what we were going to eat next as it was almost lunch time and let’s face it, we both like to eat. I happened to see and hear the giant June bug first flying around. Ew. I personally hate June bugs. If you have never seen them, they are not that pretty except for the emerald green color. They also have a tendency to hang on tight to anything they grab on to. Trust me, I once lip locked with a June bug when I was a camp counselor in Iowa and it has scarred me for life. But that is another story.

ter_us_june-bugs-1
Nobody wants to lip lock with this thing. Just saying.

So there we are, minding our own business when I see and hear the giant June bug flying around out of the corner of my eye. Knowing how creepy these things are, I kept a side eye on it as I didn’t want it any where near me. It landed a little bit behind BFF, who was blissfully unaware of said huge bug. Let’s get something straight. This bug was VERY large. No really. Probably the size of 50 cent piece. Now you can see why I was keeping an eye on it. I did not want a repeat of the lip locking situation that had emotionally scarred me when I was 19. Imagine getting a large bug stuck on your lip and see how you feel about them. The guys behind us were also watching the bug, commenting on how HUGE it was so I was not alone in thinking that maybe this was a mutant June bug. Could it have come from a nuclear reactor? Was it a government experiment? Maybe it was part of the Marvel Universe, I mean we were in line for Guardians of the Galaxy. Could it have superpowers? Would it make me have some sort of June Bug attributes if it lip locked with me like in Spider-Man? Either way, I did not want to come close enough to the mutant June big to find out. And that is when it happened.

I heard the mutant June bug take flight and in the moment I saw it, it came straight toward me. It was something out of my nightmares. In my fear of being lip locked, I turned and ducked my head, emitting a squeal as BFF realized I was in mortal danger of becoming some sort of superhuman June bug. She also made some sort of fluttering movement with her hands in an attempt to disrupt the bug’s flight path toward me to no avail. I HEARD it come straight for my ear and then I did not hear it anymore. Terrified and not seeing said Nuclear reactor June bug, I spun around to BFF and asked the question: “Is it on me?” The look on her face said it all as she said “EEEEEP. Yes.” I attempted not to scream as I implored her to get it off me. This is where I learned her limits. BFF looked at me in pure horror and said “NOPE. Sorry I cannot help you.” as she turned away in her own terror. BFF was just as terrified as I was at the giant June bug now fully ensconced in my hair.

Now convinced I am stuck with this June bug that will certain burrow into my skull, fear begins to take over as I being to try and find it to remove it from my hair. It is STUCK fast to my hair and headband. Finding it attached so firmly begins a swirl of panic in which I begin to flail my arms and squeal for help. BFF is of no use, refusing to save me from the fate of becoming something out of the Marvel Universe and instead beginning to panic herself. I feel my doom is sealed to have some sort of unknown super powers when the two guys behind me jump to my rescue. Quickly, they stop my flailing arms and hands and reach up to remove the mutant June bug, as I emit whimpers of fear and BFF does some sort of interpretive dance in circles chanting “Get it. Get it” as if this will somehow release it magically. Even though the giant bug has latched on firmly to my headband and hair, the guy manage to release it, and not knowing what to do with it, since we are in a crowded line, they throw it to the ground and squash it so that it cannot release it’s mutant powers on anyone else. I stop myself from throwing them into their arms with relief and almost sobbing but instead turn to BFF and say

“You didn’t save me What kind of best friend are you?”

She looks at me, eyes wide: “Did you see how HUGE that bug was? NOPE. Big hard pass.”

Me, still incredulous that she didn’t help save me from the mutant bug: :You said you would do anything for me. Obviously not.”

BFF: “Nope. Not when it involves a mutant bug. You are on your own. Love you. Mean it.”

The guys behind us who saved my life and my brain from being burrowed into are now laughing hysterically as BFF thanks them for saving her best friend’s life. If it were not for the kindness of two strangers, I would probably be starting my life of crime fighting as some weird emerald green Superhero with some lame ass power like lip locking with complete strangers. Lame.

The guys who saved me! Thank you for removing the mutant June bug from my brain.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did have a giant mutant June bug try to burrow it’s way into my skull and had to rely on the kindness of strangers to save me from certain doom but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl with a BFF who will not save me from getting lame superpowers if it involves a giant mutant June bug Running. The experiment continues…

The Time I Thought I Was In a Secret Porn Video


You might be surprised at this information, but I see a massage therapist.  Yup.  This Fat Girl gets naked every week to get her rolls massaged and all the stress worked out. It really does make a difference in my mood and my migraines.  If you have never tried one, you really should.  I have been seeing my massage therapist for over ten years and she knows my body well and where are my areas of stress.  Just once have I cheated on her by seeing another therapist while on vacation.  And that one time convinced me I was currently starring in a secret porn video.

Sometimes, when you are on vacation, you just want to really relax.  That is what I had in mind when I booked a massage, even though I was weirded out by someone other than my regular massage therapist putting their hands on my fat rolls.  I mean, she has done my massages forever so I am super used to the way she does them.  And plus, she knows my knots and areas of tension.  But, I really wanted to relax so I thought I would give this whole spa thing a try on my vacation.  Everyone always raves about how awesome it is to do a spa thing.  I wonder if they ever had my experience.  I was at least comforted by the fact that my massage therapist was a woman (although to be honest it really does not matter to me).  I started out with a sea salt scrub and that was quite messy.  Would have been nice if they had told me to put my hair up while they were doing it as I felt a little like it got everywhere.  But my skin did feel amazing afeter the scrub.  So soft.  I was anticipating the massage to be just as relaxing.   I was told to shower the scrub off and get back on the table.  This is where the massage started to feel a bit like a secret porn video.

After I situtuated myself back on the table, the massage started.  The massage therapist opened up the oil bottle and proceeded to pour what felt like the entire bottle on my back.  No joke.  I have never felt so oily in my entire life.  I could feel the oil filling in all the fat roll spaces, creating little puddles where I didn’t think oil could pool.  I was so greasy that when she started to massage me I could only feel her hands sliding all along the rolls.  I was actually scared her hands might slip into places that no massage therapist should enter because I was that slippery.  As she moved on, she proceeded to pour more oil on me, like another full bottles worth.  On just my arm.  I am not kidding.  It was right about then that I started to wonder if the porn music was gonna start and the bright lights were going to go on as someone shouted “Action!”.  There was so much oil on me you could have deep fried me.  I waited for the massage therapist to remove her robe and be dressed in some scantily clad unders or something else quite bizarre.  Maybe this was a fetish porn video.  I mean I am a big girl, so that could be it.  Like a hidden camera fetish porn.  Is there such a thing?  It was either that or I was being prepped for some girl on girl oil wrestling match that I was unaware of.  As the massage continued, more and more oil was slopped on me and I was starting to feel it flow down into places it shouldnt.  That is when I really wondered if the secret porn video was going to start.  Any minute now.  I wanted to look up and see but was afraid that oil would spill into my eyes and blind me.  It really was a problem.  I didn’t want to be blinded by oil but I also didn’t want to be part of some Fat Girl fetish porn video without my knowledge. I mean, at least warn a girl so she can make sure her girly bits are properly shaved.

I finally was told to turn over and gratefully snuck a peek around the room.  Nope.  No cameras or sudden wrestling ring.  Whew.  I was hoping she would use some of the leftover oil puddles that had rolled onto my front, but no such luck.  I swear she opened another bottle of oil and lubed me up even more.  I couldn’t even relax because I kept expecting the porn music to start and hear all sort of weird sex noises as I was being massaged.  I was never so grateful for a massage to be over in my entire life.  Totally not relaxing.  Not when you kept wondering when you would hear the cameras rolling.  I was so greasy that the towels couldn’t even soak it all up and my hair looked like it had been drenched in oil.  I mean if I wanted to do a porn shoot or have the slicked back look to my hair, I was killing it.  I even felt like my body squished as I walked as all the oil had no other place to go because my skin was saturated.  I quickly slid back to my room and took what felt like the longest hottest shower to get all the oil off and I still didn’t succeed.  I actually checked in my room to make sure there weren’t any cameras set up to continue filming the secret porn video that I felt like I starred in.  Thank goodness there weren’t any.  So spa experience while on vacation is obviously not my thing.  Nope.

I vowed never again to cheat on my massage therapist.  Not worth it.  Not unless I suddenly wanted to change careers and become a fetish porn actress.  Hmmmm.  I mean I could make a good living.  But maybe in another life…. (Note to self:  clear browser history on how to become a fetish porn actress).

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did cheat on my massage therapist and regret it once but I didn’t die today.  I am Fat Girl who thought she was secretly in a porn video instead of a massage Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

 

 

How Universal Studios Again Scarred Me for Life


BFF and I had been trying to figure out how to get her Momma to go with us to Universal Studios out in California to see all the Harry Potter stuff since it opened last year since we are all huge Potterheads (Harry Potter fans for those not familiar with the term).  We couldn’t figure out how to plan it so we just decided that we had 4 days off and let’s tell her we would take her for her birthday.  It worked,  We planned everything in a few days and then set off to drive to Hogwarts.  I was super excited to see it now it was opened and to ride the two rides in there.  Now, if you have read my blogs before, you know that I had an “incident” in their House of Horrors attraction there that involved me probably being on a training video on how to handle a grown woman freaking out and crying in a ball on the floor. That really did happen. I think that I might even be tagged when I enter the park from now on.  You never know.  But Harry Potter rides should be fine, right?  Little did I know that I would come out scarred for life from the main ride.  No really.

It truly was magical walking into the village of Hogsmeade and seeing the giant castle of Hogwarts looming over us.  Everything they did to make it look like you were in a portion of the world of Harry Potter and I felt like I was going to cry with happiness.  When you are that big of a fan of something and then see it brought to life, it can be overwhelming.  And I am a HUGE fan of Harry Potter.  The books were ones that I could not stop reading and I also love the movies.  So to see it come to life was a little like sensory overload.  In a good way.  After being awestruck by all the sights around us, we went to go get in line for the main Harry Potter Ride.

20170508_102354
Hogwarts Express!  
20170508_102455
It was like entering the pages of a book
20170508_102753
The Hogwarts School of Wizardry….and terror

There was hardly any line so we actually had to go quickly through most of the line and the inside of the castle at times, which was a total bummer.  BFF, her Momma and I wanted to enjoy all the aspects of the ride and soak up the experience.  We tried to go as slow as possible and allow people to go around us.  Note:  it was super dark inside the castle and hard to figure out where you are supposed to go!  I was worried we were going to get lost inside Hogwarts (not that it would be a bad thing) or that the parentals were going to misstep.  Eventually we got to the start of the ride and I was starting to get nervous.  Universal is notorious for the Fat Girl test of the seats outside the ride and this ride was no exception.  I was terrified to sit in those seats and realize that I was too big to sit in the seats and ride the ride we were most looking forward to during our trip.  But here we were so the Fat Girl seat test was about to happen live and then I saw there was a moving walkway to get on the ride.  Oh yikes.  And this walkway moved at light speed I tell you.  It was super fast.  I don’t even know how people who have to transfer from wheelchairs can do it.  The parentals went before us and then BFF and I ran on to our seats.  As I was seeing if I fit, I looked to my left and saw BFF’s Momma.  Wait.  Didn’t she get on before us?  Holy crap!  I quickly reached out my hand and pulled her and BFF’s Daddy to the seat.  They might have gotten left behind as fast as that thing was moving.  I saved the parentals from certain death by Harry Potter moving walkway I am sure.   Then the workers started coming around to pull the harness down on us.  Harnesses? Wait.  What?  What is this?  Are we gonna die?  I pulled my harness down as far as it would go and then the worker came and pulled it down even further, squishing my stoob and making it hard to breathe.  He looked at my face and apologized saying it had to go that far to ride.  I just nodded as I was afraid to breathe and wondered if there would be a bruise on my stoob later.  And then we got started.

Everything was going fine and I was amazed and loving the ride until it took a turn that made my whole body go cold with fear.  Spiders.  Spiders everywhere.  Oh nope.  Hard pass.  I have a unnatural terror of spiders.  And I do mean terror.  Like I cannot even do pictures of spiders.  Nope.  When we go see It’s Tough To Be A Bug in Disneyland, there are giant cartoon spiders that come out of the ceiling and I freak out every single time.  Like legit freak out.  I have to close my eyes and BFF has to tell me when I can look.  So big giant spiders super close to my face, coming at me as I fly by?  Big hard pass.  I immediately start screaming in terror and close my eyes, tucking my feet underneath me in case they try to touch me.  It was terrifying.  BFF touched my leg and told me I could open my eyes.  As soon as I did, I see a GIANT SPIDER coming towards me and BFF yells “I LIED!  CLOSE THEM!  ABORT ABORT!”  I was so terrified I began hyperventilating and when she told me I could really open my eyes I wasn’t sure what would be there.  The next few moments of terror involved The Whomping Willow trying to kill me and then Dementors flying towards me and reaching for me.  Screw this ride.  Screw it.  It was hard to tell when I could open my eyes and maybe I should have had them closed the entire time judging by the speed of my heart rate and the tears running down my face.  I could barely enjoy the ride I was so scared and screaming my head off.  When the ride ended and we managed to run off the moving walkway, BFF and her Momma started asking me if I was ok as I had tears running down my face and I was breathing hard.  I couldn’t feel my hands or feet because I had hyperventilated so badly.  I wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry from being so scared.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think Harry Potter would terrify me so badly.  Also, I might be on another training video.  Pretty sure.

20170508_103007
Before the terror.  Enjoying the magic.
20170508_112723
Nothing a little Butterbeer won’t fix

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  Well, that might be a bit of an understatement as I felt like I might die.  I did survive the Harry Potter Ride at Universal Studios Hollywood but I didn’t die.  I am The Fat Girl who I am sure is on several training videos at Universal on how to handle a grown ass woman freaking out Running.  The experiment continues…

Family Road Trip


This summer, my Seester and BIL came for a visit and we planned on doing some fun things, including a road trip up to Monument Valley.  It is only a short 3 hour drive from here, yet I had never been there.  Both Bubby and BIL are really into photography and are amazing so they wanted to go to get some good pictures.  The girls in the family?  Well, we were just along for the ride.  And the company.  The group of us had never taken a road trip together so I had a feeling it would be a crazy trip.  I was not wrong.  Ever wonder what my family is like crammed into a van at 5 am?  Well, you are about to find out.  Buckle up.  This is MY family we are talking about.

We collectively decided to get up at the butt crack of dawn because we knew that Monument Valley would be upwards of 90-100 degrees by afternoon. Plus we needed to get the minivan we rented back by 6pm. So at 5:30 am, there we were….all of us sleepily climbing into the van with pillows and snacks. We had to have snacks. Any road trip requires them. For reals. Since I was on Wilder Way, I packed healthy snacks like fruit, nuts, popcorn and yogurt. The rest of us? Lots of junk food for sure. We might have been ensconced in powdered sugar and sprinkles as we pulled out of town.  

The van ride was pretty quiet for awhile as us girls slept a bit and the boys chatted up front. Once we all were more awake, the topic of conversation that only my family could have began: what exactly constituted weird butt stuff. I cannot make this stuff up. This is my family. You see a couple of nights earlier, we had game night and of course we played Cards Against Humanity and that was the card we decided to talk about. I have no idea how it came up, but soon a full on discussion of what was weird versus normal (is there such a thing?) sexual butt stuff was occurring. What constitutes “weird” in this topic? I mean isnt the whole topic weird and why are we discussing it? And not just for a few minutes either but for quite awhile. Who does that? Who has a discussion for like an hour on weird butt stuff?  My family. I don’t even think we ever came to a conclusion on this topic but I am sure we will revisit it. Because my family is weird and curious like that.

We arrived at Monument Valley and we’re blown away by the beauty and majesty of it all. The drive through it involves a long dirt road but it is so worth it. Take a look for your self.


 

 

Aren’t we so cute?
As we drove through, we kept running into this same car who we soon called the Douchecanoe Car. This guy would pull over randomly on this narrow dirt road to take pictures from his car instead of pulling into the designated areas created for people to do this. He also would pass us on this as we obviously were going to slow for him even though you needed to do so. This guy was a real peach. As we went to go back up to the visitors center to eat fry bread, who should be stuck on that dirt road going up the hill? Douchecanoe Car of course. He was spinning his wheels of his sports car (Not the wisest choice in vehicles for this trip btw) causing a line of cars to sit at the bottom because nobody wanted to be behind Mr Douchecanoe. We decided that maybe someone needed to do scary butt stuff to him.  Seriously. He was stopping us from our fry bread lunch. He needed to be destroyed. Ugh. Some people. We finally got up and ate fry bread no thanks to that guy. 

I shall leave you with one last picture that acurrately describes my family in three words: weird butt stuff.

Yes. This was in public. Yes. Other people not our family were around.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today. I did take a family road trip full of odd conversation and discover some beauty near me but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl whose family discusses weird butt stuff Running. The experiment continues…

Weirdos At The Theater


BFF and I love to go see live musicals and one of our favorites is Newsies.  If you remember, we saw it over a year ago and had a weird experience where people in Tucson didn’t dress up.  At all.  Well, when we heard it was coming back, we got tickets to the show in Phoenix (AKA the Devil’s Butthole) and were super excited to go.  So we planned a trip and decided to throw in a baseball game while we were down there.  In case you didn’t know, both of us are huge baseball fanatics so we can’t pass up a chance to see one live if we have the opportunity, especially to see the Arizona Diamondbacks play.  Even if it meant a couple of days in the Devil’s Butthole.  But baseball and Newsies with my BFF?  A good time had by all…till we ran into weirdos at the theater.

13445791_10209797615720966_7813257302565852093_n
Aren’t we the cutest baseball fans ever?  Pretty sure.

The baseball game was great as expected because baseball.  Even though we lost to the Dodgers, we had a great time.  We ate some amazing food and had fun with all the people around us and then walked back to our hotel.  The next night was Newsies and we were so excited to see it again.  If you haven’t seen this one, you really really should.  Disney does an amazing job with musicals and this one is no exception.  So, BFF and I got dressed up appropriately in nice dresses and went to the theater.  This is where the weirdness began.  Is there some unspoken rule now that people don’t dress up for the theater anymore?  I mean, we were not in fancy dresses because it was a mid week show, but we were still in nicer dresses.  People were in shorts and flip-flops, jeans and t-shirts, even kids were in every day sloppy clothes.  The exception was the one little guy we saw all dressed up in a Newsies costume, which was AWESOME!  We should have taken a photo of him because he was so adorable, complete with Newsies bag for papers and all.  Seriously adorable and obviously a fan.  Also, ladies…when you were a dress, make sure your bits and pieces are covered.  I do not need to see most of your arse while we are at the theater. So many girls had on the shortest dresses.  Please save that for other events, like hooking on the street.  I guess I don’t get it.  I was always taught that you dress up for things like the theater or the ballet.  Apparently, when it is hot out, people in Phoenix don’t do that either.  I still feel that you shouldn’t wear shorts and flip flops and a golf visor on your head to the theater.  Nope.  Have some respect and wear at least church clothes, especially when you pay good money to see a Broadway show or a ballet.  Although BFF did point out that some of those people might wear exactly that to church.  Am I just old-fashioned?

13411984_10209805386155222_5759498328861280805_o
Appropriately dressed for a Broadway show.  Bits and pieces covered.

Once in our seats, BFF and I started looking through our playbills and talking about how excited we were to see the show.  We were there early, so for a bit, our seats around us were empty.  Some ladies soon showed up and one larger girl took the seat next to BFF.  And by took the seat, I mean she almost sat on BFF.  No, wait.  She did sit upon her at first.  So there is poor BFF scooted over as far as she can get in her seat towards me and the gal sitting next to her has turned to talk to her friend and in doing so, pushes up against BFF even more.  Really?  Are you kidding me?  I realize that she was a bigger girl, but so am I and I don’t sit upon people or squish them!  BFF is quite perturbed at this point and quietly I offer to switch her seats but she shakes her head.  I think we were hoping the gal would notice she was practically sitting on top of her.  Nope.  She sure as heck did not notice.  Squishy Lady just kept on talking and then she flipped her hair.  Right in BFF’s face.  BFF was now quite done and said to her in a polite yet bitchy tone “Excuse me but you just flipped your hair right in my face.”  OH!  Now the lady noticed she was sitting right on top of her and moved and apologized.  Thank goodness.  Otherwise BFF would have been squished right up against me for the entire show.  I was afraid she would be trapped there all night, unable to pee, drink water or even breathe.  I might have had to rescue her if the lady had not moved.  We even snapchatted about it quietly (Follow me there for fun stuff!  Snapchat name:  ladymiryaa).  BFF was finally free of the Squishy Lady next to her and we settled back to talk a bit before the show started.  And that is when I noticed the guy sitting next to me.

I hadn’t noticed him before because I was plotting on how to free BFF from the Squishy Lady so that my BFF wouldn’t be a squished little pancake BFF.  But after the Squishy Lady quit squishing her, I reached down to get some water to drink and noticed the man next to me.  The man who had removed his shoes.  Excuse me?  Is this real?  Yes, you read that right.  He had removed his shoes.  And not flip-flops, regular dress shoes.  So, there he sat in his nice dress clothes and his socks.  Hello!  You are not at home in front of your TV.  You are at the theater.  With other people.  You can’t just remove your shoes and fill the theater with your foot funk.  I nudged BFF and tilted my head at the Socked Wonder sitting next to me.  She looked down and then at me in horror and disgust.  Have I mentioned we both hate feet?  Seriously he had his shoes off!  I mean what the heck.  Who does that?  BFF quietly leans towards me and says “You win.  That is disgusting.”  Yahoo?  I won!  Not sure that I wanted to win that competition of having the worst weirdo sitting next to me at the theater, but I did.  Ugh.

Despite the weirdos at the theater, BFF and I had a great time in the Devil’s Butthole for a couple of days.  And go see Newsies!  Hopefully you won’t have your own version of Squishy Lady and Socked Wonder at your show.  And please, for my sake, dress nicely and cover your bits and pieces.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that people are weirdos at the theater but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who doesn’t squish people or take off her shoes at the theater Running.  The experiment continues…

Comicon Creepers And How BFF And I Couldn’t Escape


Earlier this month, BFF and I returned to the Giant Nerdfest that is Phoenix Comicon to get our geek on and squee like the fangirls we are over different celebrities.  We also might have shopped till we dropped (such great geek shopping there, no joke).  Unfortunately for us, it also happened to be during a heat wave in what we have now termed the Devil’s Butthole.  There was even a hot wind so it felt like you were walking in an oven.  So not enjoyable.  But luckily, we were inside for most of the time and did not have to deal with the heat too much.  What we did have to deal with was the people.  And not just any people…some of these people were the creepers of the world.  The weird socially awkward types.  You know what I mean.  The kind of people who you usually shy away from in a social setting because they make you feel so uncomfortable.  Or you try to run away from but don’t want to seem rude.  BFF and I unfortunately had this experience this year at Comicon.  One that made us feel like we needed a creep detector.  It was not pleasant.

On the last day of Comicon, BFF and I decided the last minute to purchase a photo-op with one of the actresses from a BBC Doctor Who spin-off, Torchwood.  This meant we had some time between the last panel we went to go see and the photo op, so we decided to get some food and find a table to sit down and shove it in our gobs.  All the other days, we had left the convention to eat at some amazing pubs where we could consume some alcohol (which makes dealing with all the people at one of these events a lot easier) but seeing how we were driving home after our photo, we decided staying at the convention and eating there was easier.  We got our food and saw some seats open at a large table, so we went and grabbed them.  I sat next to this older guy and BFF had the luck of having the seat next to her empty.  We proceeded to start to shovel food in our mouths when the guy next to me starts talking.  I thought he was talking to someone else when all of a sudden I realized he was talking to me.  About Star Wars action figures.  Seriously Creeper Comicon Dude?  You don’t even know me or even took the time to introduce yourself.  Just started talking out of the blue to no one in particular but staring at me.  Why me?  I stopped mid bite to stare at this guy with what I am sure was either RBF or shock as he kept talking.  About Star Wars action figures.  How much is there to say about Star Wars action figures?  Apparently a lot.  After my initial shock wore off and BFF and I continued eating, I even turned slightly in my chair toward her, giving him my back.  What would that say to you?  Would it say keep talking or would you take that as a hint that I really did not give a care about your Star Wars action figures?  He kept talking.  Also, this guy was like 20 years my senior…no joke….rambling on and on about the action figures he couldn’t find at the convention.  Um….hello….I am eating here.  Go away.  Do not speak to me Creeper.

At this point, as BFF and I continue to eat while making pointed eyes at each other, Creeper Comicon Dude (CCD as we shall now call him) pulls out his phone to actually show me exactly what he is talking about and how much he has seen these sets going for outside the convention.  Now what am I supposed to do with this?  I don’t want to seem rude, so I feign interest and nod while I hurriedly shove more food in my face because I want to leave as soon as possible.  Wrong move on my part.  CCD took this as that I was truly interested.  Oh help me.  He started going on and on about a certain set of Star Wars action figures that is rare and how nobody has it and he can’t believe nobody has it here in the vendor hall.  I cannot eat any faster at this point.  BFF is trying not to laugh next to me but she understood my need to escape. She saw the desperation in my eyes as I turned towards her silently signaling that I needed help and eats faster than I have ever seen her, frantically shoving nachos in her mouth.  I almost burst into laughter at this point as she tried to shove like 10 nachos in her mouth at once so we could leave.  The silent language between us is crazy sometimes. As I watch her put so many nachos in her mouth that she looks like a chipmunk, CCD starts to pull out the action figures he has purchased to show us and I quickly stand up.  He continues to talk as I nod to say goodbye and say “Have a nice Con.” As BFF, who is still trying to fit as many nachos as she can into her mouth at once, and I walk away, he is still talking out loud about the action figures.  I can’t make this stuff up.

BFF and I are now laughing and trying to decide in his own creeper way if he was trying to flirt with me as we get in line to get our picture taken with Eve Myles.  I am not sure.  I mean he was nice but so socially awkward that maybe he was trying to flirt.  Or maybe he was just a talker and could not tell that I was not in the mood to people.  Especially with a Creeper Comicon Dude.  It is hard to tell.  As we walked back through the hall to leave after our photo, CCD was still sitting at the table and waved at us as we walked by like he wanted us to come back over and sit with him.  Nope.  Hard pass.

13330915_10209722756049521_3691400018330538690_n
Us with Eve Myles from Torchwood.  Could I be any more excited?

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did learn more about Star Wars action figures than I ever wanted to know but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who didn’t want to people with Creeper Comicon Dude but just wanted to eat in peace Running.  The experiment continues…