The Time I Thought I Was In a Secret Porn Video


You might be surprised at this information, but I see a massage therapist.  Yup.  This Fat Girl gets naked every week to get her rolls massaged and all the stress worked out. It really does make a difference in my mood and my migraines.  If you have never tried one, you really should.  I have been seeing my massage therapist for over ten years and she knows my body well and where are my areas of stress.  Just once have I cheated on her by seeing another therapist while on vacation.  And that one time convinced me I was currently starring in a secret porn video.

Sometimes, when you are on vacation, you just want to really relax.  That is what I had in mind when I booked a massage, even though I was weirded out by someone other than my regular massage therapist putting their hands on my fat rolls.  I mean, she has done my massages forever so I am super used to the way she does them.  And plus, she knows my knots and areas of tension.  But, I really wanted to relax so I thought I would give this whole spa thing a try on my vacation.  Everyone always raves about how awesome it is to do a spa thing.  I wonder if they ever had my experience.  I was at least comforted by the fact that my massage therapist was a woman (although to be honest it really does not matter to me).  I started out with a sea salt scrub and that was quite messy.  Would have been nice if they had told me to put my hair up while they were doing it as I felt a little like it got everywhere.  But my skin did feel amazing afeter the scrub.  So soft.  I was anticipating the massage to be just as relaxing.   I was told to shower the scrub off and get back on the table.  This is where the massage started to feel a bit like a secret porn video.

After I situtuated myself back on the table, the massage started.  The massage therapist opened up the oil bottle and proceeded to pour what felt like the entire bottle on my back.  No joke.  I have never felt so oily in my entire life.  I could feel the oil filling in all the fat roll spaces, creating little puddles where I didn’t think oil could pool.  I was so greasy that when she started to massage me I could only feel her hands sliding all along the rolls.  I was actually scared her hands might slip into places that no massage therapist should enter because I was that slippery.  As she moved on, she proceeded to pour more oil on me, like another full bottles worth.  On just my arm.  I am not kidding.  It was right about then that I started to wonder if the porn music was gonna start and the bright lights were going to go on as someone shouted “Action!”.  There was so much oil on me you could have deep fried me.  I waited for the massage therapist to remove her robe and be dressed in some scantily clad unders or something else quite bizarre.  Maybe this was a fetish porn video.  I mean I am a big girl, so that could be it.  Like a hidden camera fetish porn.  Is there such a thing?  It was either that or I was being prepped for some girl on girl oil wrestling match that I was unaware of.  As the massage continued, more and more oil was slopped on me and I was starting to feel it flow down into places it shouldnt.  That is when I really wondered if the secret porn video was going to start.  Any minute now.  I wanted to look up and see but was afraid that oil would spill into my eyes and blind me.  It really was a problem.  I didn’t want to be blinded by oil but I also didn’t want to be part of some Fat Girl fetish porn video without my knowledge. I mean, at least warn a girl so she can make sure her girly bits are properly shaved.

I finally was told to turn over and gratefully snuck a peek around the room.  Nope.  No cameras or sudden wrestling ring.  Whew.  I was hoping she would use some of the leftover oil puddles that had rolled onto my front, but no such luck.  I swear she opened another bottle of oil and lubed me up even more.  I couldn’t even relax because I kept expecting the porn music to start and hear all sort of weird sex noises as I was being massaged.  I was never so grateful for a massage to be over in my entire life.  Totally not relaxing.  Not when you kept wondering when you would hear the cameras rolling.  I was so greasy that the towels couldn’t even soak it all up and my hair looked like it had been drenched in oil.  I mean if I wanted to do a porn shoot or have the slicked back look to my hair, I was killing it.  I even felt like my body squished as I walked as all the oil had no other place to go because my skin was saturated.  I quickly slid back to my room and took what felt like the longest hottest shower to get all the oil off and I still didn’t succeed.  I actually checked in my room to make sure there weren’t any cameras set up to continue filming the secret porn video that I felt like I starred in.  Thank goodness there weren’t any.  So spa experience while on vacation is obviously not my thing.  Nope.

I vowed never again to cheat on my massage therapist.  Not worth it.  Not unless I suddenly wanted to change careers and become a fetish porn actress.  Hmmmm.  I mean I could make a good living.  But maybe in another life…. (Note to self:  clear browser history on how to become a fetish porn actress).

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did cheat on my massage therapist and regret it once but I didn’t die today.  I am Fat Girl who thought she was secretly in a porn video instead of a massage Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

 

 

How Universal Studios Again Scarred Me for Life


BFF and I had been trying to figure out how to get her Momma to go with us to Universal Studios out in California to see all the Harry Potter stuff since it opened last year since we are all huge Potterheads (Harry Potter fans for those not familiar with the term).  We couldn’t figure out how to plan it so we just decided that we had 4 days off and let’s tell her we would take her for her birthday.  It worked,  We planned everything in a few days and then set off to drive to Hogwarts.  I was super excited to see it now it was opened and to ride the two rides in there.  Now, if you have read my blogs before, you know that I had an “incident” in their House of Horrors attraction there that involved me probably being on a training video on how to handle a grown woman freaking out and crying in a ball on the floor. That really did happen. I think that I might even be tagged when I enter the park from now on.  You never know.  But Harry Potter rides should be fine, right?  Little did I know that I would come out scarred for life from the main ride.  No really.

It truly was magical walking into the village of Hogsmeade and seeing the giant castle of Hogwarts looming over us.  Everything they did to make it look like you were in a portion of the world of Harry Potter and I felt like I was going to cry with happiness.  When you are that big of a fan of something and then see it brought to life, it can be overwhelming.  And I am a HUGE fan of Harry Potter.  The books were ones that I could not stop reading and I also love the movies.  So to see it come to life was a little like sensory overload.  In a good way.  After being awestruck by all the sights around us, we went to go get in line for the main Harry Potter Ride.

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Hogwarts Express!  
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It was like entering the pages of a book
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The Hogwarts School of Wizardry….and terror

There was hardly any line so we actually had to go quickly through most of the line and the inside of the castle at times, which was a total bummer.  BFF, her Momma and I wanted to enjoy all the aspects of the ride and soak up the experience.  We tried to go as slow as possible and allow people to go around us.  Note:  it was super dark inside the castle and hard to figure out where you are supposed to go!  I was worried we were going to get lost inside Hogwarts (not that it would be a bad thing) or that the parentals were going to misstep.  Eventually we got to the start of the ride and I was starting to get nervous.  Universal is notorious for the Fat Girl test of the seats outside the ride and this ride was no exception.  I was terrified to sit in those seats and realize that I was too big to sit in the seats and ride the ride we were most looking forward to during our trip.  But here we were so the Fat Girl seat test was about to happen live and then I saw there was a moving walkway to get on the ride.  Oh yikes.  And this walkway moved at light speed I tell you.  It was super fast.  I don’t even know how people who have to transfer from wheelchairs can do it.  The parentals went before us and then BFF and I ran on to our seats.  As I was seeing if I fit, I looked to my left and saw BFF’s Momma.  Wait.  Didn’t she get on before us?  Holy crap!  I quickly reached out my hand and pulled her and BFF’s Daddy to the seat.  They might have gotten left behind as fast as that thing was moving.  I saved the parentals from certain death by Harry Potter moving walkway I am sure.   Then the workers started coming around to pull the harness down on us.  Harnesses? Wait.  What?  What is this?  Are we gonna die?  I pulled my harness down as far as it would go and then the worker came and pulled it down even further, squishing my stoob and making it hard to breathe.  He looked at my face and apologized saying it had to go that far to ride.  I just nodded as I was afraid to breathe and wondered if there would be a bruise on my stoob later.  And then we got started.

Everything was going fine and I was amazed and loving the ride until it took a turn that made my whole body go cold with fear.  Spiders.  Spiders everywhere.  Oh nope.  Hard pass.  I have a unnatural terror of spiders.  And I do mean terror.  Like I cannot even do pictures of spiders.  Nope.  When we go see It’s Tough To Be A Bug in Disneyland, there are giant cartoon spiders that come out of the ceiling and I freak out every single time.  Like legit freak out.  I have to close my eyes and BFF has to tell me when I can look.  So big giant spiders super close to my face, coming at me as I fly by?  Big hard pass.  I immediately start screaming in terror and close my eyes, tucking my feet underneath me in case they try to touch me.  It was terrifying.  BFF touched my leg and told me I could open my eyes.  As soon as I did, I see a GIANT SPIDER coming towards me and BFF yells “I LIED!  CLOSE THEM!  ABORT ABORT!”  I was so terrified I began hyperventilating and when she told me I could really open my eyes I wasn’t sure what would be there.  The next few moments of terror involved The Whomping Willow trying to kill me and then Dementors flying towards me and reaching for me.  Screw this ride.  Screw it.  It was hard to tell when I could open my eyes and maybe I should have had them closed the entire time judging by the speed of my heart rate and the tears running down my face.  I could barely enjoy the ride I was so scared and screaming my head off.  When the ride ended and we managed to run off the moving walkway, BFF and her Momma started asking me if I was ok as I had tears running down my face and I was breathing hard.  I couldn’t feel my hands or feet because I had hyperventilated so badly.  I wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry from being so scared.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think Harry Potter would terrify me so badly.  Also, I might be on another training video.  Pretty sure.

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Before the terror.  Enjoying the magic.
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Nothing a little Butterbeer won’t fix

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  Well, that might be a bit of an understatement as I felt like I might die.  I did survive the Harry Potter Ride at Universal Studios Hollywood but I didn’t die.  I am The Fat Girl who I am sure is on several training videos at Universal on how to handle a grown ass woman freaking out Running.  The experiment continues…

Family Road Trip


This summer, my Seester and BIL came for a visit and we planned on doing some fun things, including a road trip up to Monument Valley.  It is only a short 3 hour drive from here, yet I had never been there.  Both Bubby and BIL are really into photography and are amazing so they wanted to go to get some good pictures.  The girls in the family?  Well, we were just along for the ride.  And the company.  The group of us had never taken a road trip together so I had a feeling it would be a crazy trip.  I was not wrong.  Ever wonder what my family is like crammed into a van at 5 am?  Well, you are about to find out.  Buckle up.  This is MY family we are talking about.

We collectively decided to get up at the butt crack of dawn because we knew that Monument Valley would be upwards of 90-100 degrees by afternoon. Plus we needed to get the minivan we rented back by 6pm. So at 5:30 am, there we were….all of us sleepily climbing into the van with pillows and snacks. We had to have snacks. Any road trip requires them. For reals. Since I was on Wilder Way, I packed healthy snacks like fruit, nuts, popcorn and yogurt. The rest of us? Lots of junk food for sure. We might have been ensconced in powdered sugar and sprinkles as we pulled out of town.  

The van ride was pretty quiet for awhile as us girls slept a bit and the boys chatted up front. Once we all were more awake, the topic of conversation that only my family could have began: what exactly constituted weird butt stuff. I cannot make this stuff up. This is my family. You see a couple of nights earlier, we had game night and of course we played Cards Against Humanity and that was the card we decided to talk about. I have no idea how it came up, but soon a full on discussion of what was weird versus normal (is there such a thing?) sexual butt stuff was occurring. What constitutes “weird” in this topic? I mean isnt the whole topic weird and why are we discussing it? And not just for a few minutes either but for quite awhile. Who does that? Who has a discussion for like an hour on weird butt stuff?  My family. I don’t even think we ever came to a conclusion on this topic but I am sure we will revisit it. Because my family is weird and curious like that.

We arrived at Monument Valley and we’re blown away by the beauty and majesty of it all. The drive through it involves a long dirt road but it is so worth it. Take a look for your self.


 

 

Aren’t we so cute?
As we drove through, we kept running into this same car who we soon called the Douchecanoe Car. This guy would pull over randomly on this narrow dirt road to take pictures from his car instead of pulling into the designated areas created for people to do this. He also would pass us on this as we obviously were going to slow for him even though you needed to do so. This guy was a real peach. As we went to go back up to the visitors center to eat fry bread, who should be stuck on that dirt road going up the hill? Douchecanoe Car of course. He was spinning his wheels of his sports car (Not the wisest choice in vehicles for this trip btw) causing a line of cars to sit at the bottom because nobody wanted to be behind Mr Douchecanoe. We decided that maybe someone needed to do scary butt stuff to him.  Seriously. He was stopping us from our fry bread lunch. He needed to be destroyed. Ugh. Some people. We finally got up and ate fry bread no thanks to that guy. 

I shall leave you with one last picture that acurrately describes my family in three words: weird butt stuff.

Yes. This was in public. Yes. Other people not our family were around.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today. I did take a family road trip full of odd conversation and discover some beauty near me but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl whose family discusses weird butt stuff Running. The experiment continues…

Weirdos At The Theater


BFF and I love to go see live musicals and one of our favorites is Newsies.  If you remember, we saw it over a year ago and had a weird experience where people in Tucson didn’t dress up.  At all.  Well, when we heard it was coming back, we got tickets to the show in Phoenix (AKA the Devil’s Butthole) and were super excited to go.  So we planned a trip and decided to throw in a baseball game while we were down there.  In case you didn’t know, both of us are huge baseball fanatics so we can’t pass up a chance to see one live if we have the opportunity, especially to see the Arizona Diamondbacks play.  Even if it meant a couple of days in the Devil’s Butthole.  But baseball and Newsies with my BFF?  A good time had by all…till we ran into weirdos at the theater.

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Aren’t we the cutest baseball fans ever?  Pretty sure.

The baseball game was great as expected because baseball.  Even though we lost to the Dodgers, we had a great time.  We ate some amazing food and had fun with all the people around us and then walked back to our hotel.  The next night was Newsies and we were so excited to see it again.  If you haven’t seen this one, you really really should.  Disney does an amazing job with musicals and this one is no exception.  So, BFF and I got dressed up appropriately in nice dresses and went to the theater.  This is where the weirdness began.  Is there some unspoken rule now that people don’t dress up for the theater anymore?  I mean, we were not in fancy dresses because it was a mid week show, but we were still in nicer dresses.  People were in shorts and flip-flops, jeans and t-shirts, even kids were in every day sloppy clothes.  The exception was the one little guy we saw all dressed up in a Newsies costume, which was AWESOME!  We should have taken a photo of him because he was so adorable, complete with Newsies bag for papers and all.  Seriously adorable and obviously a fan.  Also, ladies…when you were a dress, make sure your bits and pieces are covered.  I do not need to see most of your arse while we are at the theater. So many girls had on the shortest dresses.  Please save that for other events, like hooking on the street.  I guess I don’t get it.  I was always taught that you dress up for things like the theater or the ballet.  Apparently, when it is hot out, people in Phoenix don’t do that either.  I still feel that you shouldn’t wear shorts and flip flops and a golf visor on your head to the theater.  Nope.  Have some respect and wear at least church clothes, especially when you pay good money to see a Broadway show or a ballet.  Although BFF did point out that some of those people might wear exactly that to church.  Am I just old-fashioned?

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Appropriately dressed for a Broadway show.  Bits and pieces covered.

Once in our seats, BFF and I started looking through our playbills and talking about how excited we were to see the show.  We were there early, so for a bit, our seats around us were empty.  Some ladies soon showed up and one larger girl took the seat next to BFF.  And by took the seat, I mean she almost sat on BFF.  No, wait.  She did sit upon her at first.  So there is poor BFF scooted over as far as she can get in her seat towards me and the gal sitting next to her has turned to talk to her friend and in doing so, pushes up against BFF even more.  Really?  Are you kidding me?  I realize that she was a bigger girl, but so am I and I don’t sit upon people or squish them!  BFF is quite perturbed at this point and quietly I offer to switch her seats but she shakes her head.  I think we were hoping the gal would notice she was practically sitting on top of her.  Nope.  She sure as heck did not notice.  Squishy Lady just kept on talking and then she flipped her hair.  Right in BFF’s face.  BFF was now quite done and said to her in a polite yet bitchy tone “Excuse me but you just flipped your hair right in my face.”  OH!  Now the lady noticed she was sitting right on top of her and moved and apologized.  Thank goodness.  Otherwise BFF would have been squished right up against me for the entire show.  I was afraid she would be trapped there all night, unable to pee, drink water or even breathe.  I might have had to rescue her if the lady had not moved.  We even snapchatted about it quietly (Follow me there for fun stuff!  Snapchat name:  ladymiryaa).  BFF was finally free of the Squishy Lady next to her and we settled back to talk a bit before the show started.  And that is when I noticed the guy sitting next to me.

I hadn’t noticed him before because I was plotting on how to free BFF from the Squishy Lady so that my BFF wouldn’t be a squished little pancake BFF.  But after the Squishy Lady quit squishing her, I reached down to get some water to drink and noticed the man next to me.  The man who had removed his shoes.  Excuse me?  Is this real?  Yes, you read that right.  He had removed his shoes.  And not flip-flops, regular dress shoes.  So, there he sat in his nice dress clothes and his socks.  Hello!  You are not at home in front of your TV.  You are at the theater.  With other people.  You can’t just remove your shoes and fill the theater with your foot funk.  I nudged BFF and tilted my head at the Socked Wonder sitting next to me.  She looked down and then at me in horror and disgust.  Have I mentioned we both hate feet?  Seriously he had his shoes off!  I mean what the heck.  Who does that?  BFF quietly leans towards me and says “You win.  That is disgusting.”  Yahoo?  I won!  Not sure that I wanted to win that competition of having the worst weirdo sitting next to me at the theater, but I did.  Ugh.

Despite the weirdos at the theater, BFF and I had a great time in the Devil’s Butthole for a couple of days.  And go see Newsies!  Hopefully you won’t have your own version of Squishy Lady and Socked Wonder at your show.  And please, for my sake, dress nicely and cover your bits and pieces.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that people are weirdos at the theater but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who doesn’t squish people or take off her shoes at the theater Running.  The experiment continues…

Comicon Creepers And How BFF And I Couldn’t Escape


Earlier this month, BFF and I returned to the Giant Nerdfest that is Phoenix Comicon to get our geek on and squee like the fangirls we are over different celebrities.  We also might have shopped till we dropped (such great geek shopping there, no joke).  Unfortunately for us, it also happened to be during a heat wave in what we have now termed the Devil’s Butthole.  There was even a hot wind so it felt like you were walking in an oven.  So not enjoyable.  But luckily, we were inside for most of the time and did not have to deal with the heat too much.  What we did have to deal with was the people.  And not just any people…some of these people were the creepers of the world.  The weird socially awkward types.  You know what I mean.  The kind of people who you usually shy away from in a social setting because they make you feel so uncomfortable.  Or you try to run away from but don’t want to seem rude.  BFF and I unfortunately had this experience this year at Comicon.  One that made us feel like we needed a creep detector.  It was not pleasant.

On the last day of Comicon, BFF and I decided the last minute to purchase a photo-op with one of the actresses from a BBC Doctor Who spin-off, Torchwood.  This meant we had some time between the last panel we went to go see and the photo op, so we decided to get some food and find a table to sit down and shove it in our gobs.  All the other days, we had left the convention to eat at some amazing pubs where we could consume some alcohol (which makes dealing with all the people at one of these events a lot easier) but seeing how we were driving home after our photo, we decided staying at the convention and eating there was easier.  We got our food and saw some seats open at a large table, so we went and grabbed them.  I sat next to this older guy and BFF had the luck of having the seat next to her empty.  We proceeded to start to shovel food in our mouths when the guy next to me starts talking.  I thought he was talking to someone else when all of a sudden I realized he was talking to me.  About Star Wars action figures.  Seriously Creeper Comicon Dude?  You don’t even know me or even took the time to introduce yourself.  Just started talking out of the blue to no one in particular but staring at me.  Why me?  I stopped mid bite to stare at this guy with what I am sure was either RBF or shock as he kept talking.  About Star Wars action figures.  How much is there to say about Star Wars action figures?  Apparently a lot.  After my initial shock wore off and BFF and I continued eating, I even turned slightly in my chair toward her, giving him my back.  What would that say to you?  Would it say keep talking or would you take that as a hint that I really did not give a care about your Star Wars action figures?  He kept talking.  Also, this guy was like 20 years my senior…no joke….rambling on and on about the action figures he couldn’t find at the convention.  Um….hello….I am eating here.  Go away.  Do not speak to me Creeper.

At this point, as BFF and I continue to eat while making pointed eyes at each other, Creeper Comicon Dude (CCD as we shall now call him) pulls out his phone to actually show me exactly what he is talking about and how much he has seen these sets going for outside the convention.  Now what am I supposed to do with this?  I don’t want to seem rude, so I feign interest and nod while I hurriedly shove more food in my face because I want to leave as soon as possible.  Wrong move on my part.  CCD took this as that I was truly interested.  Oh help me.  He started going on and on about a certain set of Star Wars action figures that is rare and how nobody has it and he can’t believe nobody has it here in the vendor hall.  I cannot eat any faster at this point.  BFF is trying not to laugh next to me but she understood my need to escape. She saw the desperation in my eyes as I turned towards her silently signaling that I needed help and eats faster than I have ever seen her, frantically shoving nachos in her mouth.  I almost burst into laughter at this point as she tried to shove like 10 nachos in her mouth at once so we could leave.  The silent language between us is crazy sometimes. As I watch her put so many nachos in her mouth that she looks like a chipmunk, CCD starts to pull out the action figures he has purchased to show us and I quickly stand up.  He continues to talk as I nod to say goodbye and say “Have a nice Con.” As BFF, who is still trying to fit as many nachos as she can into her mouth at once, and I walk away, he is still talking out loud about the action figures.  I can’t make this stuff up.

BFF and I are now laughing and trying to decide in his own creeper way if he was trying to flirt with me as we get in line to get our picture taken with Eve Myles.  I am not sure.  I mean he was nice but so socially awkward that maybe he was trying to flirt.  Or maybe he was just a talker and could not tell that I was not in the mood to people.  Especially with a Creeper Comicon Dude.  It is hard to tell.  As we walked back through the hall to leave after our photo, CCD was still sitting at the table and waved at us as we walked by like he wanted us to come back over and sit with him.  Nope.  Hard pass.

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Us with Eve Myles from Torchwood.  Could I be any more excited?

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did learn more about Star Wars action figures than I ever wanted to know but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who didn’t want to people with Creeper Comicon Dude but just wanted to eat in peace Running.  The experiment continues…

The Scariest Ride To Get Stuck On At Disneyland


This last trip to Disneyland seemed to be the trip where we got stuck on rides.  Earlier I told you about BFF and I getting stuck on Hyperspace Mountain, and while slightly disturbing, nothing was as scary as all of us getting stuck on one of the most terrifying rides in the entire park.  One of the rides that I was afraid of dying on.  Seriously.  Let me tell you about this horrifying experience when Bubby, Pocket Fiance, BFF and I got stuck on the ride that scared us all to be stuck on. Insert shudder here.  Hold your children tight everyone because it is that frightening. That’s right. We got stuck on It’s A Small World.

In case you didn’t know, It’s A Small World is a classic ride at Disneyland.  It was actually created for the World’s Fair in 1964 and it is a ride all ages can enjoy.  If you enjoy hearing the same song sung over and over in all different languages for about 15 minutes.  The same exact song.  On repeat.  With these creepy figures from all the different countries signing it over and over and over.  We have actually joked before that this is where all the lost children go and have to live singing that song over and over and over.  It will stick in your head.  I am not kidding.  It is a ride that we usually avoid, except if we are there when the Christmas display is up or if it is extremely hot out because it is air-conditioned.  The only reason we rode it this time was because Pocket Fiance had never ridden it and it really is a classic ride.  So we decided to grin and bear it not knowing we might be facing imminent death getting stuck on it.

 

Luckily, the line for the ride wasn’t long and we got in a boat with others and began our journey into hell….I mean into the ride.  About half way, we think, our boat suddenly stops.  Just stops.  We watch as the boat in front of us disappeared into the next room and there we sit.  Alone.  Trapped in a room of creepy dolls singing the same song over and over. Their creepy smiles and weird mouths moving to mimic them singing this song that is now forever stuck in our heads.  I start to panic thinking I might be turned into one of those creepy dolls dressed up from Sweden moving back and forth lip syncing forever.  BFF also starts to panic as she doesn’t want to be part of this ride forever and ever either.  We all start talking about what we are going to do when Bubby, also terrified, leans over and starts frantically trying to paddle the boat with his arms.  I think “Genius!  If we an all paddle our way out, the dolls won’t get us!” I almost started paddling when I realized I didn’t want to put my hands in the water that might be infested with some sort of Ebola.  Great.  So now my choices are risk getting Ebola or be part of the creepy singing doll brigade.  Those are not great choices.  What do I do?  Luckily Bubby and another survivor in our boat had a great idea.  He and another person on our boat even manage to grab a hold of the wall, tipping the boat ever so slightly and scaring BFF who is afraid of falling into the water, to try to scoot us along.  It gets us going for a few minutes but then we are stuck again, in a wide turn where no one can reach the wall.  I am pretty sure at this point that we will die in here, our corpses never to be found because we have turned into one of the creepy dolls.  Even Pocket Fiance turns to BFF and I see the fear in her eyes as she realizes we are never getting out of this ride.  It is a terrifying thought.  The dolls are mocking us or maybe beckoning with their weird eye blinking and creepy big mouths.  They want us to join them.  Maybe this is why the song repeats because it lures you into a sense of peace so that you will join them.  It is the dark side of Disney.

Small world dolls
Freaking creepy ass dolls.  Even now they beckon for you to join them…

Just as I am about to resign ourselves to the fate of the creepy singing Small World dolls, it happens.  Then there is a sudden bump to the back of our boat.  We turn and see that another boat has come along and bumped us, sending us on our journey.  You can feel the palpable relief fill the boat and we almost cheer. We couldn’t wait for that ride to be over.  We practically sprinted out of the boat when it stopped at the end.  I am sure people thought we were crazy as we talked about never wanting to go on that scary ride again.  You wouldn’t either if you were thinking that those creepy Small World dolls were going to make you part of the ride, doomed to sing that infernal song forever and ever.  Nope.  Pretty sure it will be quite awhile before we ride that ride again.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  We did manage to get stuck on the scariest ride in Disneyland but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who really does not want to become on of the creepy mechanical dolls lip synching to the annoying song forever Running.  The experiment continues.

 

 

On Being Evacuated From Hyperspace Mountain


When you go to a place like Disneyland, they create a certain amount of “magic” on every ride.  They take it very serious.  Once, we asked a Cast Member how Tinkerbell flew over the castle during the fireworks and she answered “Why Pixie Dust, of course!”  We laughed but then tried to ask her again and we got the same answer.  You will recall, that we went this last trip for the Star Wars “magic” and were not disappointed….well, once we were.  Only once.  And this is how BFF and I had to get evacuated from Hyperspace Mountain.

Normally at Disneyland, Space Mountain is a fantastic roller coaster ride in the dark, that simulates you flying through space.  It is so much fun and goes super fast.  For the Star Wars release, Disneyland changed Space Mountain to Hyperspace Mountain and we really had no idea what to expect.  The four of us decided this was one of the first rides we would go get fast passes for since we knew the lines for it were going to be horrendous due to the enhancement.  When we all finally got in line, we were super excited.  You are talking about four Star Wars geeks, all wearing Star Wars t-shirts, getting on a favorite ride (it is BFF’s absolute favorite ride in the park) that is now Star Warsed up.  We climbed into the rocket cars (you step into them as there are no doors) and pulled our lap bars down.  AS we started, and the Stars Wars theme music started, there might have been four Star Wars geeks in the front two rows who all cheered, clapped, and squeed with delight but I can’t be for sure. No really, that happened.  We really did get that excited and the Cast Member sitting up in the “control booth” might have laughed and smiled down at us.  The ride was AMAZING!!  None of us really thought Space Mountain could get any better, but imagine not only flying through space, but being part of a battle between the Rebel Alliance and the Galactic Empire and you have Hyperspace Mountain.  Tie Fighters and X-Wing Fighters swooshing around you, lasers going off in front of you, the Death Star above you….nothing prepared us for the experience of Hyperspace Mountain and we left satisfied and wanting to ride it again immediately.  We did ride it several more times over the next few days, but it was when BFF and I rode just the two of us, that it was not so magical.

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The excitement is real.  As is BFF’s hair in Bubby’s face.

On our last day, BFF and I had these “magic” fast passes from staying at the Grand Californian.  They allowed us to get on any ride that had fast passes available at any time of our choosing.  We chose to use these for one last ride on Hyperspace Mountain since we loved it so much.  We climbed in the back of a rocket car, pulled down our lap bars, and started our journey….well sort of.  As we turned the corner to start the climb up into hyperspace, the lights all came on and our car stopped.  We looked at each other, a little frightened and laughing a bit as we had discussed with Bubby and Pocket Fiance about what this ride must look like with the lights on at some point in line.  All of a sudden, there was a loud booming voice overhead, alerting us to the fact that Cast Members would be by soon to assist us in our evacuation of the ride.  Evacuation?  So, ok….this ride was not gonna happen today.  BFF and I got super nervous….I mean we were on a hill.  How were they gonna get us out?  A few minutes went by and 2 girl Cast members walked by, asked everyone in the cars if we were alright and then let us know that they had to go further in to the ride to rescue those people and would be back for us.  How long was that gonna be?  Were we going to have to resort to cannibalism?  Can we squeeze out of the lap bars ad get out of the cars?  These were all questions we asked each other as we waited and thanked our foresight for having gone to the restroom before the ride.  What seemed like an eternity later, with the same voice repeating the same announcement in this incredibly ear-splitting volume every few minutes, two male Cast Members came by and stood by our cars, joking with us and waiting for the girls to come back before we could be evacuated.  Finally, they climbed down all the stairs (yes!  There are stairs all along the sides) to our car to explain the evacuation procedure.

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Will we have to resort to cannibalism?  This is a pressing question.

The Cast Members explained that they would release the lap bars, we would climb out and slide down the side of the car until we hit the stairs.  Now for the front of the car, this is not that far as they were closer.  For BFF and I, our end of the car, the back end, was about head high for the male Cast Members.  All I could think of, as I watched the people in front of me easily climb out of the car, was how in the world was I going to hoist my Fat Girl Butt over the edge of this rocket car and slide down it to the ground below?  It was a real concern.  I really did not know how I was going to get over the side of the car.  I was starting to sweat with stress, knowing that everyone is going to be watching The Fat Girl attempt to hoist herself out of the car and not fall.  I started to giggle nervously as I waited for my turn to come.  The lap bar was released and all the people in front of BFF and I got out easily.  Then it was my turn.  Oh lordy.  Here we go.  I turned and tried to figure out how I was gonna get over the side.  I can’t lift myself up with my arms cuz I am fat.  As I struggled for what felt like forever but in reality was only a minute or two, the Cast Member asked me if I needed help.  Yeah.  The last thing I need is to crush some poor Cast Member as I fall out of the damn ride. Or to be the one person, the Fat Girl, that has to be helped out of the ride, with some sort of crane, because I am too fat to do it myself.  I finally figured out if I stood up on the seat, I could slide down the car, my shirt riding up the entire time exposing my stoob to everyone, and safely land on the floor.  Yeah that wasn’t embarrassing at all.  BFF climbed out easily and our group is led out through the empty building.  It was way creepy, the empty building with all the lights on and nobody around.  The good thing to come out of being rescued from a ride?  They give you and even more “magic” fast pass that is good for immediate entrance to any ride in the park.  ANY ride people!  BFF and I chose wisely and used it for Peter Pan…Booyah to not having to wait that 45 minute wait! SCORE!

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When the lights come on, it is not so Hyperspacey or magical for that matter.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  BFF and I did have a not so magical experience and have to e rescued from Hyperspace Mountain, but we didn’t die (or result to cannibalism I am happy to report).  I am Fat Girl who extricated herself from the rocket car and showed a bunch of strangers my stoob but got a magic fast pass and bypassed everyone on Peter Pan Running.  The experiment continues….