How I Almost Became a Yeti Snack


Recently, BFF and I did a thing. We went to Florida and Walt Disney World for the first time! Well, technically, it was not my first time as I had been as a small child, but I do not really remember any of it. So, when I got invited to be a part of the Shameless book signing, we decided to make a vacation and spend a week out in Florida playing as only the two of us could play at all the parks. By all, I really do mean all. Go home or go big, right? We really had no idea what to expect having never been there before and had no idea that people plan their fast passes out in advance. We just decided to go with the flow and grab whatever fast passes for rides that we could on the day we were in the parks. BFF and I are pretty laid back and really just wanted to experience the parks. Little did I know, one of the rides would be one of the most terrifying and thrilling rides I have ever been on.

We decided to hit Animal Kingdom as a half day as I had the book signing to get to that night. WOW. We totally underestimated how amazing Animal Kingdom truly is. Next time, we have decided to spend a full day there as it exceeded our expectations. I was in awe over all there was to see and do. Once we were in the park, we were able to grab a fast pass for a ride called Expedition Everest. We had no idea what the ride was or what was going to happen when we rode it. We decided to walk towards it and see what it was. As we approached, we saw what looked to like the Matterhorn and we were excited to see that Expedition Everest was a roller coaster as we both love coasters. I was a little apprehensive as I do not like the unknown but I was also excited.

The scene as we walked up to what would soon be the source of terror and panic

As we got in line to ride the ride, I convinced myself that this was some sort of take on the Matterhorn at Disneyland so there must be a Yeti. Oh the Yeti. I have a love hate relationship with that Yeti. I love the story and the atmosphere of the Matterhorn, but I truly hate how terrified the Yeti makes me feel. No really terror is how that Yeti makes me feel. It is dumb, I know. But all his growling and the darkness and the fast jerky movements of the Matterhorn makes the little girl in me terrified. I would even close my eyes as we approached where I knew the old school Yeti to be stationed before the ride was refurbished.  Now with the new scarier upgraded Yeti, it is even worse.  I have no idea why the Yeti terrifies me so much but it really does.  And we will not even talk about how much riding the Matterhorn at night makes me panic but I do it anyways.  So my panic over the unknown of Expedition Everest was now rising with the thought of the Yeti being in the ride as well. It was a panic mixed with excitement of the coaster and I was anxious to ride it and see what it was like.

We climbed into our train car and I could already tell my anxiety was rising. The story in the ride line definitely told the story of the Yeti so I was hoping he would not be in the ride scaring me. But something told me he would be. Damn. We climbed in and I got ready. As the ride took off into a huge hill, my panic and fear also included not knowing what was going to happen and I started my nervous giggling that BFF finds hilarious. She knew I was nervous and just told me it would be okay, patting my hand like I was a small child. Then the ride took off down the hill and I was left screaming and laughing as I saw the signs of the Yeti flashing by me at high speeds. Oh no.  I was right.  Then, all of a sudden, the ride stopped. I mean a dead stop.  At the top of the mountain, the track in front of us was all mangled.  It was obvious the Yeti was to blame for the destruction. Having the ride at a complete stop made my panic rise even higher. I turned to BFF and this conversation happened:

Me (in a panic filled voice which might have been an octave higher): “Is this normal? Is the ride supposed to stop? Why is the track mangled? What is happening? Am I going to die? Is the Yeti going to eat me?”

BFF: “Why are you asking me? I have never ridden this either!”

Stranger in front of us turns around all excited: “OH YEAH! This is totally normal! We are about to plunge backward into total darkness as the Yeti chases us!”

Me (now totally terrified and my eyes popping out of my head): “WHAAAAAAAAT?”

BFF to total stranger: “Um, thanks for absolutely terrifying my best friend. So glad you didn’t say anything before we got on!”

And then I was plunged to my doom backwards in the dark without any warning with the growling Yeti chasing us and I am sure all BFF could hear was my total screams of terror. The ride stopped again in a few seconds. In a cave. A Yeti cave. WTF. This was the worst ride in the history of rides. What is going to happen? Is the Yeti going to come up out of this cave and take me into his lair to be his next snack? Why Disney why? First the almost gassing when I met Thor and now I was to be devoured by the Yeti in some cave in Animal Kingdom? Disney why you got to be like this? Luckily I did not have time to do anything but leave my screams of panic and terror in the cave as the ride quickly continued. Thank goodness I was not to be a Yeti snack. This time.

As the ride came to an end, BFF turned to me with her smile of glee and saw the fear, panic and tears on my face (which in reality were from the speed of the coaster and not my sheer terror of the Yeti) and she immediately was like “OH NO! Are you okay?” Shakily as the adrenaline of the ride surged through my veins, I replied “That was fun! And so scary! I hate the Yeti! I thought I was going to be eaten!” and I meant it. I really did enjoy it, terror and all. The total stranger that had been in front of us was laughing as she climbed out of the car, probably at my screams throughout most of the ride as BFF again thanked her for not telling me about the ride in advance. I walked out of the ride, my limbs feeling like jello from the adrenaline and fear, my heart racing, and I actually was clutching my chest as BFF and I discussed how fun the ride was even though I secretly thought the Yeti might still be behind me waiting to eat me. I might have sneaked a look behind me when BFF wasn’t looking just to be sure. Damn Yeti.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did almost have a panic attack on a ride at Animal Kingdom because of the Yeti but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who was almost a Yeti snack Running. The experiment continues…

In Which I Learn BFF Has Limits to Saving Me or How I Almost Gained Lame Superhero Powers


You know how people state things like “I would do anything for you” but then you learn those limits of the things they absolutely will NOT do? I learned BFF has a limit on our last trip to Disneyland. Don’t get me wrong, she would absolutely do anything if my life was threatened but there was one thing she will not do apparently and it involves giant June bugs.

We had decided to ride Guardians of the Galaxy because the wait was less than 30 minutes. We were in the outside portion of the line and trying to go from one shady spot to another as it was slightly warm, discussing what we were going to eat next as it was almost lunch time and let’s face it, we both like to eat. I happened to see and hear the giant June bug first flying around. Ew. I personally hate June bugs. If you have never seen them, they are not that pretty except for the emerald green color. They also have a tendency to hang on tight to anything they grab on to. Trust me, I once lip locked with a June bug when I was a camp counselor in Iowa and it has scarred me for life. But that is another story.

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Nobody wants to lip lock with this thing. Just saying.

So there we are, minding our own business when I see and hear the giant June bug flying around out of the corner of my eye. Knowing how creepy these things are, I kept a side eye on it as I didn’t want it any where near me. It landed a little bit behind BFF, who was blissfully unaware of said huge bug. Let’s get something straight. This bug was VERY large. No really. Probably the size of 50 cent piece. Now you can see why I was keeping an eye on it. I did not want a repeat of the lip locking situation that had emotionally scarred me when I was 19. Imagine getting a large bug stuck on your lip and see how you feel about them. The guys behind us were also watching the bug, commenting on how HUGE it was so I was not alone in thinking that maybe this was a mutant June bug. Could it have come from a nuclear reactor? Was it a government experiment? Maybe it was part of the Marvel Universe, I mean we were in line for Guardians of the Galaxy. Could it have superpowers? Would it make me have some sort of June Bug attributes if it lip locked with me like in Spider-Man? Either way, I did not want to come close enough to the mutant June big to find out. And that is when it happened.

I heard the mutant June bug take flight and in the moment I saw it, it came straight toward me. It was something out of my nightmares. In my fear of being lip locked, I turned and ducked my head, emitting a squeal as BFF realized I was in mortal danger of becoming some sort of superhuman June bug. She also made some sort of fluttering movement with her hands in an attempt to disrupt the bug’s flight path toward me to no avail. I HEARD it come straight for my ear and then I did not hear it anymore. Terrified and not seeing said Nuclear reactor June bug, I spun around to BFF and asked the question: “Is it on me?” The look on her face said it all as she said “EEEEEP. Yes.” I attempted not to scream as I implored her to get it off me. This is where I learned her limits. BFF looked at me in pure horror and said “NOPE. Sorry I cannot help you.” as she turned away in her own terror. BFF was just as terrified as I was at the giant June bug now fully ensconced in my hair.

Now convinced I am stuck with this June bug that will certain burrow into my skull, fear begins to take over as I being to try and find it to remove it from my hair. It is STUCK fast to my hair and headband. Finding it attached so firmly begins a swirl of panic in which I begin to flail my arms and squeal for help. BFF is of no use, refusing to save me from the fate of becoming something out of the Marvel Universe and instead beginning to panic herself. I feel my doom is sealed to have some sort of unknown super powers when the two guys behind me jump to my rescue. Quickly, they stop my flailing arms and hands and reach up to remove the mutant June bug, as I emit whimpers of fear and BFF does some sort of interpretive dance in circles chanting “Get it. Get it” as if this will somehow release it magically. Even though the giant bug has latched on firmly to my headband and hair, the guy manage to release it, and not knowing what to do with it, since we are in a crowded line, they throw it to the ground and squash it so that it cannot release it’s mutant powers on anyone else. I stop myself from throwing them into their arms with relief and almost sobbing but instead turn to BFF and say

“You didn’t save me What kind of best friend are you?”

She looks at me, eyes wide: “Did you see how HUGE that bug was? NOPE. Big hard pass.”

Me, still incredulous that she didn’t help save me from the mutant bug: :You said you would do anything for me. Obviously not.”

BFF: “Nope. Not when it involves a mutant bug. You are on your own. Love you. Mean it.”

The guys behind us who saved my life and my brain from being burrowed into are now laughing hysterically as BFF thanks them for saving her best friend’s life. If it were not for the kindness of two strangers, I would probably be starting my life of crime fighting as some weird emerald green Superhero with some lame ass power like lip locking with complete strangers. Lame.

The guys who saved me! Thank you for removing the mutant June bug from my brain.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did have a giant mutant June bug try to burrow it’s way into my skull and had to rely on the kindness of strangers to save me from certain doom but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl with a BFF who will not save me from getting lame superpowers if it involves a giant mutant June bug Running. The experiment continues…

The Time I Thought I Was In a Secret Porn Video


You might be surprised at this information, but I see a massage therapist.  Yup.  This Fat Girl gets naked every week to get her rolls massaged and all the stress worked out. It really does make a difference in my mood and my migraines.  If you have never tried one, you really should.  I have been seeing my massage therapist for over ten years and she knows my body well and where are my areas of stress.  Just once have I cheated on her by seeing another therapist while on vacation.  And that one time convinced me I was currently starring in a secret porn video.

Sometimes, when you are on vacation, you just want to really relax.  That is what I had in mind when I booked a massage, even though I was weirded out by someone other than my regular massage therapist putting their hands on my fat rolls.  I mean, she has done my massages forever so I am super used to the way she does them.  And plus, she knows my knots and areas of tension.  But, I really wanted to relax so I thought I would give this whole spa thing a try on my vacation.  Everyone always raves about how awesome it is to do a spa thing.  I wonder if they ever had my experience.  I was at least comforted by the fact that my massage therapist was a woman (although to be honest it really does not matter to me).  I started out with a sea salt scrub and that was quite messy.  Would have been nice if they had told me to put my hair up while they were doing it as I felt a little like it got everywhere.  But my skin did feel amazing afeter the scrub.  So soft.  I was anticipating the massage to be just as relaxing.   I was told to shower the scrub off and get back on the table.  This is where the massage started to feel a bit like a secret porn video.

After I situtuated myself back on the table, the massage started.  The massage therapist opened up the oil bottle and proceeded to pour what felt like the entire bottle on my back.  No joke.  I have never felt so oily in my entire life.  I could feel the oil filling in all the fat roll spaces, creating little puddles where I didn’t think oil could pool.  I was so greasy that when she started to massage me I could only feel her hands sliding all along the rolls.  I was actually scared her hands might slip into places that no massage therapist should enter because I was that slippery.  As she moved on, she proceeded to pour more oil on me, like another full bottles worth.  On just my arm.  I am not kidding.  It was right about then that I started to wonder if the porn music was gonna start and the bright lights were going to go on as someone shouted “Action!”.  There was so much oil on me you could have deep fried me.  I waited for the massage therapist to remove her robe and be dressed in some scantily clad unders or something else quite bizarre.  Maybe this was a fetish porn video.  I mean I am a big girl, so that could be it.  Like a hidden camera fetish porn.  Is there such a thing?  It was either that or I was being prepped for some girl on girl oil wrestling match that I was unaware of.  As the massage continued, more and more oil was slopped on me and I was starting to feel it flow down into places it shouldnt.  That is when I really wondered if the secret porn video was going to start.  Any minute now.  I wanted to look up and see but was afraid that oil would spill into my eyes and blind me.  It really was a problem.  I didn’t want to be blinded by oil but I also didn’t want to be part of some Fat Girl fetish porn video without my knowledge. I mean, at least warn a girl so she can make sure her girly bits are properly shaved.

I finally was told to turn over and gratefully snuck a peek around the room.  Nope.  No cameras or sudden wrestling ring.  Whew.  I was hoping she would use some of the leftover oil puddles that had rolled onto my front, but no such luck.  I swear she opened another bottle of oil and lubed me up even more.  I couldn’t even relax because I kept expecting the porn music to start and hear all sort of weird sex noises as I was being massaged.  I was never so grateful for a massage to be over in my entire life.  Totally not relaxing.  Not when you kept wondering when you would hear the cameras rolling.  I was so greasy that the towels couldn’t even soak it all up and my hair looked like it had been drenched in oil.  I mean if I wanted to do a porn shoot or have the slicked back look to my hair, I was killing it.  I even felt like my body squished as I walked as all the oil had no other place to go because my skin was saturated.  I quickly slid back to my room and took what felt like the longest hottest shower to get all the oil off and I still didn’t succeed.  I actually checked in my room to make sure there weren’t any cameras set up to continue filming the secret porn video that I felt like I starred in.  Thank goodness there weren’t any.  So spa experience while on vacation is obviously not my thing.  Nope.

I vowed never again to cheat on my massage therapist.  Not worth it.  Not unless I suddenly wanted to change careers and become a fetish porn actress.  Hmmmm.  I mean I could make a good living.  But maybe in another life…. (Note to self:  clear browser history on how to become a fetish porn actress).

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did cheat on my massage therapist and regret it once but I didn’t die today.  I am Fat Girl who thought she was secretly in a porn video instead of a massage Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

 

 

Always Answer When Your Mom Calls


When BFF and I go to the annual Nerdfest that is Phoenix Comicon, we usually spend time shopping in between panels and photo ops.  The very first day?  Oh no…that is dedicated completely to shopping.  The exhibition hall where all the vendors are opens at 4p and we are there, ready to shop till we drop.  Why?  Because we are girls…NERDY girls.  And Comicon is the perfect place for us to get our nerdy shopping on.  We actually have certain vendors that we repeatedly shop and search out before we even get there so we know where there booths are.  I mean, come on…there are not a lot of places for girls to get things like nerdy jewelry and purses and such like Comicon.  The exhibition hall is HUGE.  It actually takes us quite a while to get through all the vendors and artists, so that is why we dedicate that first day to just that…shopping.  This year, we were completely oblivious to a major incident that occurred while we were in our shopping haze.  Apparently, this year, someone had a BIG problem with The Green Power Ranger.

There we were, just minding our own business, wandering around fulfilling our nerdy little shopping desires, when my phone started vibrating in my pocket.  I pull it out and notice that it is BFF’s Momma.  I was actually quite a bit freaked out by this.  Why would her Momma be calling me and not BFF?  What was happening?  Who died?  Is the world ending?  Is the zombie apocalypse starting and here we are stuck in the vendor hall with all these people and no escape?  Are we going to get eaten? All these questions frantically ran through my brain as I went to answer the phone.  In my panicked state that the world was possibly ending, I actually hung up on her Momma and never even got to hear if they were under zombie attack.  Luckily, BFF had seen it was her Momma calling when I pulled out my phone and started calling her back right away.  My sense of panic rising that maybe the zombie virus had, in fact, been let loose and we were going to need an escape route, I then started scanning for our quickest route out of the nerdy shopping heaven.  I had already decided who we could shove in the way of the zombies so that we could get out.  The dude dressed as Link would be useful with his bow and arrow, so he could tag along.  But the kid dressed as Iron Man…nope.  I am so shoving him in front of a zombie so we can escape.  I mean, what good is a plastic mask and a puffed up suit to look like muscle?   Nothing I tell you when it comes to a zombie eating his face or mine.  That fake Iron Man has no value in the zombie apocalypse unless he somehow turns into the real Iron Man.  Then I am catching a lift for BFF and me out of there.  Also the first to go?  The gal dressed as Princess Peach from Super Mario Brothers.  Useless. The big poufy dress might help slow some zombies down but I assure you, unless she has weapons stored under that hoop skirt, she is a goner.

Luckily, as BFF was talking to her Momma, I realized I could stop planning our escape route as I heard her say “No we are fine.  Why?  What is going on? Nope.  We haven’t heard anything about that and we haven’t been evacuated and nobody looks like they know.  Huh.  That is weird.  Is everything else ok?  No, Momma, we really are ok but we will let you know.”  She hung up the phone with a puzzled expression on her face.  Her Momma had called because she heard on the TV that a shooter had been taken down at Comicon and arrested.  Well, whew.  At least it wasn’t zombies.  That would be worse.  We looked around to see if anyone had any clue that this was happening.  Nope.  In the vendor hall, it was business as usual, with all sorts of other nerds wandering around in their nerdy shopping haze.  Hmmmm.  We quickly got on social media and indeed saw that a dude who thought he was The Punisher had brought a bag full of guns to Comicon to apparently kill the actor who plays The Green Power Ranger.  Why the Green Power Ranger?  What had he done to him?  Had he used the wrong color powers?  Was the Green Power Ranger inherently evil and I didn’t know it?  Wait…did he have the zombie virus and this Punisher dude was trying to protect us?  I am still unsure if we ever got the answers to these questions, but at least they got him subdued and arrested before anyone at Con was actually hurt.  I still wonder what The Green Power Ranger ever did to this dude to make him want to actually kill him.  After the phone call from BFF’s Momma and reading about it on social media, BFF and I decided the nerdy shopping heaven would wait.  We peaced out and went back to our hotel.  Also, I was still concerned that maybe the Green Power Ranger was a code for zombie apocalypse and needed a better escape plan anyways for the next day.  Priorities man.

 

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that while in the nerdy shopping heaven, you can plan a good escape route in case the zombie apocalypse does start while you are there, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl still curious about what the Green Power Ranger ever did to deserve almost dying Running.  The experiment continues…

On Being Geeky Cattle and Possibly Starting My Own Dairy


You know by now that BFF go to the annual Nerdfest that is Phoenix Comicon to get our geek on and one of our favorite things to do is to get our pictures taken with our favorite celebrities from the world of sci-fi and geekery.  We plan this out quite carefully actually.  It is a fine balance between going to panels to hear the stars speak and ties to grab photos with them.  Of course we did it again this year but this year things had changed.  What we didn’t expect was to be herded like cattle into pens to our biggest photo opportunity, Alan Tudyk.

For those that are unaware, Alan Tudyk is HUGE in the geek world.  He has starred and voiced in things like Frozen, Moana, Wreck It Ralph, Dodgeball, A Knight’s Tale, Dollhouse and our favorite Firefly.  We were super excited to get a photo with him and there was no way we were missing it.  We showed up 45 minutes early to be put in a LONG line that had already formed.  In fact, it went into the exhibition hall and it was super hard to find the end.  We just kept asking people if they were there to see Alan Tudyk till we found the end.  No employees told us where to go except with a wave of a hand in the general vicinity of the line.  It was very frustrating.  BUt in line we got and stood because we were not missing this opportunity.  Not even if it meant standing in line all day.  We are that dedicated.

While standing in line, we ran into our favorite Comicon photo worker.  This guy comes in all the way from Chicago to work at Phoenix Comicon and we had the pleasure of meeting him the first year we went to do photos and John Barrowman felt him up in front of the whole crowd.  He is amazing and always makes the photo process smooth and fun.  I am unsure if I should be afraid or flattered that he recognized us and came over to chat and do his own photo-op with us, but it really did help make the time go by faster.  We make our own fun while waiting in line.

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Once the line started moving, we all of a sudden realized that we were being shuttled like cattle into pens created with barriers to wait for our photo-op, which was now an hour late.  Why?  Because they oversold the photo op.  I heard several people wondering if they would make the next panel or photo op they had going on due to the delay.  We didn’t have anything at Comicon scheduled but we did have other plans we jammed into that weekend (more about that in another blog) At least our wait was not as bad as the day before when Dick Van Dyke was there and people waited ALL day.  No really, ALL day and some didn’t even get their photo due to the delay.  It was a complete mess from what we heard.  Not only did we have to stand in line, but then we are herded into pens.  I felt like I needed to have a giant bell around my neck or have my name changed to Bessie.  I don’t normally produce milk products but if we were going to be herded into pens, then maybe I should try.  It could be another way to earn income.  Start my own human dairy.  It could be a thing, right?  I mean this could be a new career opportunity.  We could call it Fat Girl Dairy.  It would be a cash cow. Get it?  Cash cow?  So there we were, shuttled like cattle into the first pen, and then the second pen and finally the third pen.  Oh yeah…all before we actually hit the line for the photo-op.  I have to tell you though, no one shoved, no one cut in line and people were polite,  Nerds may get angry and mad but they did not try to take advantage of the situation.  All in all, even though we were shuttled like cattle, we had a good time.  We even made cow noises.  Yup.  That happened.  As did this

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OMG Alan Tudyk!!!! Mooooooo!

Even despite the cattle pens and cowbells, we had a great time and managed some amazing photos with our favorite celebrities and our favorite Comicon photo op volunteer.  Also, we heard the phase “you two are so adorable” over and over from the celebs.  Take a gander….

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It’s Lex Luthor from Smallville!
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For all my Supernatural fans out there
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I must admit I about geeked out over Anthony Michael Hall!  #BreakfastClub4Life
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BFF might have had a small fangirl moment with the Star Trek Voyager duo.  And they could not stop telling us how adorable we were.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I was herded like cattle into pens for a huge photo-op, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who needs a cowbell and is contemplating a new career choice with a Human Dairy Running.  The experiment continues…

How To Tell When BFF Is REALLY Sick


Over SuperBowl weekend, BFF and I went on our annual We Hate The Superbowl trip to Disneyland.  We needed a Dole Whip fix you see.  We also needed some fun after having so much grief in such a short period.  So off to the Happiest Place on Earth it was.  Just the two of us.  We made it a short trip and good thing we did because who would have thought that poor BFF would get sick.  And when she gets sick, she gets SICK.  So here is how to tell when BFF is REALLY sick.

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Dole Whip Fix!

The trip started out normally except that BFF complained that her allergies were terrible and that her nose was runny from them.  We really didn’t think anything of it to be honest.  I mean, I know life was throwing us tomatoes and neither one of us was sleeping much, but we really didn’t think she was sick.  I noticed more kleenex growing in a pile next to her in the car like Tribbles, but really I didn’t think she was sick. It was like the kleenex were breeding.  And BFF kept insisting it was allergies.  Then the coughing started.  And I mean coughing.  Hmmmmmm…..

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Even in the rain, we keep going
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I can see here in her eyes she doesn’t feel the best

Fast forward to one night when we came back to get our jackets to continue the night and so BFF could check in with her Momma.  I took the time to lounge on the bed and found a Harry Potter movie to entertain myself.  I mean, my feet needed a rest anyways and I was in no hurry to go back.  I did run over to the Club and grab us some foods to nosh on once she was done talking with her Momma and filling her in on all the fun we were having.  BFF finished her call, came and lounged next to me and we shoved some amazing foods in our gobs.  Next thing I know, we are still lounging watching Harry Potter and I realized something….BFF didn’t feel good.  There is no way she would let us just lounge in the room and watch a movie if she felt good.  I turned to her and asked her how she was feeling.  When she looked at me, I could see in her eyes she didn’t feel her best and she replied “I must not feel that good if it isn’t bothering me that we are just laying here watching Harry Potter instead of playing in the park.”  I then watched her  have a coughing fit and heard her wheezing next to me.  I handed her my inhaler and she agreed to use it, feeling better but not admitting she was sick.

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Despite her not feeling her best and us deciding she must take it easy, she persevered and got some amazing sleep.  We had a great time, despite her still not wanting to admit she was sick and our trip ended a little too soon.  We packed up and headed down to load up the car.  The valet brought the car around and I started helping put the bags where we wanted them for the drive home.  I turned to ask BFF where she wanted a bag and noticed she was on the phone.  Thinking she must be talking to her Momma, I figured it out and we climbed in.  It was then I heard her conversation and realized what she was doing….making a doctor’s appointment for the next morning.  BFF NEVER goes to the doctor unless she feels totally crappy (nurses make the WORST patients).  I mean NEVER.  Her spleen could be hanging outside her body and she would just slap some Saran wrap and duck tape over it and continue on with her day.  Like her spleen should just be hanging around outside her body.  Completely normal folks.  She once broke her toe and it was hanging off to the side.  What did she do?  Put it back in place and taped it to the other toe and put on her shoe and came to work.  BFF is a badass people.  She really never does go to the doctor.  Not even for check ups.  No joke.  So to hear her on the phone making a doctor’s appointment?  She REALLY did not feel good.   I looked at her questioningly when she got off the phone and she said to me “I think I am sick.”  Poor BFF.  And what a trooper to power through a trip at Disneyland.

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Nope. Not sick at all.

By the way, she was totally sick.  Bronchitis.  Antibiotics, and inhaler and steroids.  But you know, it was just allergies.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover what a trooper my BFF is and wish she would have just admitted she didn’t feel good but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a BFF who can’t ever admit she is sick until she is REALLY sick Running.  The experiment continues…

How Universal Studios Again Scarred Me for Life


BFF and I had been trying to figure out how to get her Momma to go with us to Universal Studios out in California to see all the Harry Potter stuff since it opened last year since we are all huge Potterheads (Harry Potter fans for those not familiar with the term).  We couldn’t figure out how to plan it so we just decided that we had 4 days off and let’s tell her we would take her for her birthday.  It worked,  We planned everything in a few days and then set off to drive to Hogwarts.  I was super excited to see it now it was opened and to ride the two rides in there.  Now, if you have read my blogs before, you know that I had an “incident” in their House of Horrors attraction there that involved me probably being on a training video on how to handle a grown woman freaking out and crying in a ball on the floor. That really did happen. I think that I might even be tagged when I enter the park from now on.  You never know.  But Harry Potter rides should be fine, right?  Little did I know that I would come out scarred for life from the main ride.  No really.

It truly was magical walking into the village of Hogsmeade and seeing the giant castle of Hogwarts looming over us.  Everything they did to make it look like you were in a portion of the world of Harry Potter and I felt like I was going to cry with happiness.  When you are that big of a fan of something and then see it brought to life, it can be overwhelming.  And I am a HUGE fan of Harry Potter.  The books were ones that I could not stop reading and I also love the movies.  So to see it come to life was a little like sensory overload.  In a good way.  After being awestruck by all the sights around us, we went to go get in line for the main Harry Potter Ride.

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Hogwarts Express!  
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It was like entering the pages of a book
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The Hogwarts School of Wizardry….and terror

There was hardly any line so we actually had to go quickly through most of the line and the inside of the castle at times, which was a total bummer.  BFF, her Momma and I wanted to enjoy all the aspects of the ride and soak up the experience.  We tried to go as slow as possible and allow people to go around us.  Note:  it was super dark inside the castle and hard to figure out where you are supposed to go!  I was worried we were going to get lost inside Hogwarts (not that it would be a bad thing) or that the parentals were going to misstep.  Eventually we got to the start of the ride and I was starting to get nervous.  Universal is notorious for the Fat Girl test of the seats outside the ride and this ride was no exception.  I was terrified to sit in those seats and realize that I was too big to sit in the seats and ride the ride we were most looking forward to during our trip.  But here we were so the Fat Girl seat test was about to happen live and then I saw there was a moving walkway to get on the ride.  Oh yikes.  And this walkway moved at light speed I tell you.  It was super fast.  I don’t even know how people who have to transfer from wheelchairs can do it.  The parentals went before us and then BFF and I ran on to our seats.  As I was seeing if I fit, I looked to my left and saw BFF’s Momma.  Wait.  Didn’t she get on before us?  Holy crap!  I quickly reached out my hand and pulled her and BFF’s Daddy to the seat.  They might have gotten left behind as fast as that thing was moving.  I saved the parentals from certain death by Harry Potter moving walkway I am sure.   Then the workers started coming around to pull the harness down on us.  Harnesses? Wait.  What?  What is this?  Are we gonna die?  I pulled my harness down as far as it would go and then the worker came and pulled it down even further, squishing my stoob and making it hard to breathe.  He looked at my face and apologized saying it had to go that far to ride.  I just nodded as I was afraid to breathe and wondered if there would be a bruise on my stoob later.  And then we got started.

Everything was going fine and I was amazed and loving the ride until it took a turn that made my whole body go cold with fear.  Spiders.  Spiders everywhere.  Oh nope.  Hard pass.  I have a unnatural terror of spiders.  And I do mean terror.  Like I cannot even do pictures of spiders.  Nope.  When we go see It’s Tough To Be A Bug in Disneyland, there are giant cartoon spiders that come out of the ceiling and I freak out every single time.  Like legit freak out.  I have to close my eyes and BFF has to tell me when I can look.  So big giant spiders super close to my face, coming at me as I fly by?  Big hard pass.  I immediately start screaming in terror and close my eyes, tucking my feet underneath me in case they try to touch me.  It was terrifying.  BFF touched my leg and told me I could open my eyes.  As soon as I did, I see a GIANT SPIDER coming towards me and BFF yells “I LIED!  CLOSE THEM!  ABORT ABORT!”  I was so terrified I began hyperventilating and when she told me I could really open my eyes I wasn’t sure what would be there.  The next few moments of terror involved The Whomping Willow trying to kill me and then Dementors flying towards me and reaching for me.  Screw this ride.  Screw it.  It was hard to tell when I could open my eyes and maybe I should have had them closed the entire time judging by the speed of my heart rate and the tears running down my face.  I could barely enjoy the ride I was so scared and screaming my head off.  When the ride ended and we managed to run off the moving walkway, BFF and her Momma started asking me if I was ok as I had tears running down my face and I was breathing hard.  I couldn’t feel my hands or feet because I had hyperventilated so badly.  I wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry from being so scared.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think Harry Potter would terrify me so badly.  Also, I might be on another training video.  Pretty sure.

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Before the terror.  Enjoying the magic.
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Nothing a little Butterbeer won’t fix

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  Well, that might be a bit of an understatement as I felt like I might die.  I did survive the Harry Potter Ride at Universal Studios Hollywood but I didn’t die.  I am The Fat Girl who I am sure is on several training videos at Universal on how to handle a grown ass woman freaking out Running.  The experiment continues…