Rez Adventures Part 2: Why I Should Never Be a Passenger in a Car


You all heard how GPS Janice failed BFF and I when we went out to Grand Falls with her parental units, but let me tell you about the trip home.  After wandering around on the wrong side of the falls, we decided to make the trek home providing Janice could tell us how to get there.  It was on the way home that I discovered that I am not really a good passenger to have in a car.

Usually when BFF and I go places, I drive us.  Nothing against BFF and her driving…she just hates to drive.  Hence why I am usually the driver.  This time though her Dad was driving so BFF and I were in the backseat which meant I had nothing to keep me occupied.  On the way out to the Falls, we were occupied by the fact that we were certain Janice had gotten us lost but I didn’t have that luxury on the way home.  I turned to talk to BFF and noticed she had fallen asleep (I mean she had worked the night before).  Well now what was I supposed to do?  There was no internet reception and no scenery to look at since we were in the middle of the desert of the reservation.  Hmmmm….BFF was no help.  What was I to do?  Why take selfies with the sleeping BFF of course!  No really.  Yup. It totally happened and it was glorious.  See for yourself:

20170311_121340
I mean what else are you supposed to do when BFF sleeps?
20170311_131709
Can you see all the red dirt on the back window?
20170311_131650
I had way too much fun with her 

Obviously, I am not a good passenger when I don’t have anything to keep me occupied.  Don’t you want to ride next to me?  BFF’s Momma actually saw me and started giggling because it was pretty funny that I was taking selfies.  The other thing BFF was supposed to do besides keep me entertained?  Navigate us out of there.  Good thing I had put it in my phone as well before we lost signal so I was able to direct the parentals on the unmarked dirt roads.  Some help BFF was on both accounts.  Once we were back on the highway, I asked to stop at the one gas station to use the restroom as the sound of water at the Falls made me have to go.  Here is where we had our second adventure of the day.

On our way to the Falls, we had noticed a flea market of sorts across from the gas station and BFF’s Momma had seen a sign that said “kneel down bread”.  We had discussed what this could possibly be on our way out so when I cam out of the gas station, I asked BFF’s Momma if she wanted to go see what it was about.  Now, I must mention that BFF’s Momma is not very adventurous so her agreeing to do so was a big deal for her but I think she was really very curious.  We soon found the table with Kneel Down Bread and we got the last two.  We then scampered back to our car anxious to try this new thing we had discovered on our adventure.

BFF’s Momma handed me one for us to try.  It was wrapped up in a corn husk which I found interesting as I attempted to open it.  It looked and felt like the outside of a tamale when I finally got it open.  I gave a chunk to BFF and broke off a chunk for myself.  It didn’t look like bread.  It didn’t smell like bread.  We were a little confused.  But we decided to try it anyways.  The minute BFF put it in her mouth, I knew she did not like it.  I could tell by the look on her face that the texture was not something she liked. At all.  The look on her face was mixed with horror and fear.  I almost started laughing as I watched her choke it down.  I could tell she wanted to spit it out but there was nothing to spit it out into.  So she instead swallowed and said “Well, that was texturally displeasing.”  I about died.  BFF really has a problem with textures.  She once told me that gummy things feel human in her mouth although I do not think I want to know how she knows what human feels like in her mouth. Well…she does bite people a lot.  Maybe that is it.  All that biting is good practice if she were to ever become a zombie, just saying.  Then she would really know what human tastes like. Ew.

After seeing BFF’s reaction, I was a little hesitant but I do not have texture issues like her.  So I took a bite.  It tasted like masa (the outside of a tamale) to me but not as finely ground.  I could taste the chunks of blue corn in it but I could see how she found it texturally displeasing to her.  It really did taste like corn to me.  I later found out that Kneel Down Bread is also called Navajo Tamales so that makes perfect sense.  I didn’t mind it but I could tell BFF was trying to wash the taste out of her mouth with a bottle of water.  It was pretty funny.  And soon after that, she was sound asleep again.  There might have been snoring.  And drool.  All in all it was a great family adventure.  Matty would have been proud.  #LiveGrandMR

20170311_124040
I wish I had a picture of her face after she actually put it in her mouth…needless to say she won’t be eating Kneel Down Bread again.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did, however, discover that I am not a good passenger in a car ride and that BFF does not like things that taste human in her mouth but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who takes selfies with BFF while she is sleeping Running.  The experiment continues…

Rez Adventures Part One: When GPS Fails You


Have you ever gone on an adventure? BFF and her parentals and I recently went on one and it was quite the experience.  We had every intention of going out to a local attraction and somehow ended up an hour out of our way on a dirt road in the middle of the Navajo reservation all thanks to Google Maps.  What we did discover, however, is that the four of us can make a good time out of even getting lost.

It all started out with BFF’s Momma wanting to go see Grand Falls, a natural waterfall system located out on the Navajo reservation.  It only flows with snow melt and is actually higher than Niagara Falls.  Since none of us had ever been out there and we heard it was flowing rather heavily, we decided to take the trip and go see it.  Instead of asking for directions or looking it up, BFF put it into Google Maps and we headed out early in the morning.  I mean, Google Maps has never steered us wrong before.  Back before there was GPS, we did get lost trying to get to Disneyland and ended up in Compton.  Luckily, Bubby was able to decipher the tiny map I had printed off the computer and get us to where we wanted to be.  GPS always re-routes you if you turn wrong so I felt pretty confident about using it to get out to Grand Falls.  I was so wrong.

Now Grand Falls is only 30 miles outside of town so it shouldn’t have taken us too long to get there.  We followed Janice (that is what we call the voice on Google Maps) and ended up on a dirt road, which wasn’t too surprising.  Since it was a weekend and the falls were so full, I thought we would see a lot more people driving on the same dirt road as us.  Nope.  Totally alone.  On a dirt road.  In the middle of no where with no signs.  An hour and a half later, we were still on various unmarked dirt roads and hoping that somehow, they led to the falls.  I kept thinking that what if we broke down or what if an axe murderer came out of the landscape to kill us all.  Seriously, the reservation is pretty desolate.  Janice kept directing us on all these unmarked dirt roads and I was thoroughly convinced that we were going to end up stranded with only 2 mini bottles of water and a couple of breakfast bars between us.  We might have to resort to cannibalism to survive.  Who would we eat first?  This is a serious question to ask yourself when traveling with a group of people.  Do you not think of this?  No?  Just me then?  Ok…well I did wonder which one of the four of us we would eat first if we were stranded and needed to survive.  Totally normal way of thinking when you are lost on the reservation if you ask me.  Don’t judge.

Eventually, the road turned and we could see the canyon and the falls so we pulled up and got out.  Upon doing that and looking around, I realized something.  We were on the wrong side of the falls.  The official lookout and parking was on the other side.  How the heck we ended up on that side was beyond me.  None of us could figure out how we ended up on the that side.  Where did we make the wrong turn?  We followed GPS.  We listened to Janice.  She let us down.  We risked our lives and almost ate one another to get here and we are on the wrong side?  Sigh.  Well at least we had a good laugh, a great time and ended up with epic pictures.  No, really, they are quite epic and not because of the falls.  Because of BFF’s bang.  Her bang could not compete with the winds around the falls and I couldn’t see because of the sun, so I had no idea what was happening until we looked t the pictures later.  Epic I tell you.  See for yourself.

20170311_110415
Grand Falls.  Can you see the real lookout over there?  Yeah…we aren’t there.
20170311_111341
The wind was really strong….
20170311_110629
It just keeps getting better….the bang
20170311_111114
The family that adventures together.  I just can’t even with that bang.  It’s too good.

Upon leaving, we ran into others who Janice had led astray and ended up on the wrong side.  Stupid GPS.  Turns out that we went about an hour out of our way and we still have no idea how to get to the right side of the falls.  Or how we got out of there without eating one another.  GPS fail.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did, however, consider which one of us I would eat first if we got stranded on the reservation but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with epic pictures of BFF’s bang on a reservation adventure Running.  The experiment continues…

 

#LiveGrand


I realize it has been quite a while since you heard from me and there is a really good explanation.  Hopefully you read about the loss of BFF’s Grandpa right before the holidays but in January, we had a devastating loss of her 23-year-old nephew, Mathew as well.  BFF and I have been best friends for over 20 years and her family has adopted me as another member, with her brothers calling me their other sister and her nieces and nephews calling me Aunty 2.  So, when we got the news Matty had died in a horrible car wreck, I was devastated right along with the rest of the family.  You see, I had known Matty since he was little and I loved being his Aunty 2.  It was so hard to think about writing and words could not seem to come to me to even begin to express my grief over such a young soul.  But this week, as I was musing over Matty and how he lived his life, the words he lived by inspired me.  Live Grand.

Matty may have only been 23 years old, but the life he lived was so full and rich.  We like to say he lived life going mach 3 with his hair on fire, but really he just lived grand.  He LOVED adventure. This kid ran river tours in the Grand Canyon with the Hualapai tribe for many years and they loved him so much he was actually made a member of the tribe.  He loved to take chances and was a budding photographer, doing anything to get the perfect shot.  So many photos of Matty not only show his beautiful smile but they also show him on the edge of cliffs, playing in the Colorado river, snowboarding down the mountain and many other things that made his life grand.  He loved spending time with the family, never missing a function if he could help it and was always the first one to take selfies with everyone.  His laugh and smile were contagious and you could forgive him of any transgression by that smile and he knew it.  This spirit, this essence of Matty is his legacy.  to all of us.  This sense of loving life and living outside the box is what inspires me.  This is where my challenge to you, my dear readers, is going to present itself.  In memory of BFF and my nephew, I challenge you to Live Grand.

15995275_10210275591679226_1909239459417695920_o
BFF and Matty 
10357784_10204578415924233_4224126876626672501_o
That smile….

 

Take a moment and reflect on your life and what makes it grand.  Find one thing that you can do to make it more rich, fuller and bursting with life.  Whether that be traveling to a new destination, creating your own adventure or even just spending more time with your family, find that one thing and do it.  Do not wait until tomorrow or put it off to next year, I want you to do it now.  Matty wants you to do it now.  Plan it, execute it and make your life grand.  It’s that simple.  This is my challenge to all of you…to keep Matty’s spirit alive and make your life grand.  I want you to tag me in posts on Facebook, Instagram and even send me snapchats with the hashtag #LiveGrand and show me how you can change your life to make it your best life ever.  I want to see you #LiveGrand no matter what that means to you.  Show me!  I plan on spending more time with my family and traveling more to make my life grand.  Because if there is one thing Matty taught me, it was that family is not always about blood.  It is about those people who love and support you the most and BFF and her family are some of those people.  Thank you BFF and her family.  You all have given me something I cherish….your love.

15977126_10211911737172681_595005824062947059_n
This boy….

Mathew.  I am proud to have been your Aunty 2.  I am glad you never hesitated to tell me you loved me.  I am proud to have known you and been blessed by your smile, laugh and your love.  I am so proud of the man you had become and I will miss you my sweet nephew.  While I will never hear you call me Aunty 2 again and get some random snapchat from you showing me your smile, I will always love you.  You lived grand in life and now you can continue to Live Grand forever.  “Through every door, a new path awaits.”  Enjoy your new path Matty.  And #LiveGrand.

15977514_1232869316802932_2283057201735600979_n
Mathew Thomas Reyes  1993-2017  #LiveGrand

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that even through great grief, you can discover a new joy in life but I didn’t die.  Thank you Matty.  I am Fat Girl who is going to  #LiveGrand Running.  The experiment continues…

An Unexpected Water Ride


One of the funnest things about our last trip to Disneyland was how much time BFF and I got to spend with her Nephew.  BFF’s Brother married just over a year ago and his wife already had 4 kids, so we haven’t had much chance to spend quality time with the oldest Nephew (I shall call him Nephew S) in that family and this trip we did.  We discovered that he is one of the funniest dudes and we loved every minute we spent with him.  In fact, a lot of our pics are with Nephew S and it looks like it was just the three of us riding all the rides together.  I mean, we did spend a lot of time riding all the big kid rides with him so I guess that part is true.  On our last day there, we met up with the family inside Disneyland because we had to check out of our hotel and they were staying one more night.  On our way into the park, we get a frantic text from Nephew S asking where we were because he was stuck in Toon Town with the babies.  We quickly told him to haul his butt over to Space Mountain to ride it with us.  So started our fun morning with Nephew S that ended up having an unexpected water ride included in it.

screenshot_20160927-221443
One of the many photos of the Big kids

Nephew S ran all the way from Toon Town to Space Mountain (quite a ways by the way) a and what made it even more impressive is that he has a bum knee.  We waited for him at the entrance of the ride and we all went in to ride it together with lots of screaming and laughing.  The line wait times were next to nothing so we decided to go ride The Matterhorn as well since everyone else was still in Toon Town and BFF and I are not a fan of that area of the park (we swear it smells like pee back there).  We had already ridden this one a bunch of times, but since the wait time was only like 10 minutes, we could not pass it up.  Now if you have never ridden this ride, it is a roller coaster whose cars are like bobsleds and you ride inside a mountain where a Yeti lives. It can be scary and fast.  At the end, you “splash down” into a bit of water but never have I gotten wet in all the years riding it.  The water is primarily there to cool off the brakes on the cars.  Sometimes I might get a few sprinkles on my glasses or in my mouth (Ew.  Dont get me started on the ride water in my mouth.  Sometimes we play a game where we ask each other which ride water we would rather drink. So gross) but never gotten wet like you do on a log ride like Splash Mountain.

20160928_113324
Fun Nephew time

I will be honest, this ride to me is scary because of the Yeti but Nephew S loves it and it is his favorite so I was happy to ride it again.  There might have been lots of screaming on my part as the Yeti tried to get me.  As we came down to the end of the ride, we were all laughing as we went into the “splash down”.  All of a sudden, a wall of water came over the bobsled and proceeded to soak all three of us.  And I mean soak.  What just happened?  How the heck are we now soaking wet like we went on Splash Mountain?  In shock, we all turned to each other and I believe I said to Nephew S “Dammit S!  This is all your fault! You wanted to ride this one!” while BFF was asking how that happened and were we going to die from getting water in our mouths.  It was then I realized I might have gotten some of the ride water in my mouth.  So disgusting. We started laughing hysterically as we were not planning on getting wet on that last day but here we were…soaking wet from The Matterhorn of all rides.  As we walked away, we were still asking each other how that happened and I still cannot figure it out.  That ride is not a water ride but trust me when I say we got soaked riding it. We have tried to figure out how this happened.  Was one of us heavier that day because of extra churros?  Were the water levels higher because of the heat?  Would we get hepatitis from the ride water? This may be a mystery that is never solved.

20160928_111237
Prior to water experience
20160928_111735
Not happy.  BFF’s bang did not survive the ride

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today. I did, however, get soaked on a ride that wasn’t supposed to do that and get ride water in my mouth but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who had a fun time with my nephew but is still wondering when the hepatitis will set in from the ride water Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

When Your Niece Makes You Proud By Breastfeeding…In Public


As you know, when BFF and I go to Disneyland, we quite frequently go with friends and family and as you read the last blog, it was with BFF’s Brother and his family.  We were super excited because not only was this her Brother’s first trip there, but also because the babies were going to be there.  BFF and I have been friends for so long that all her nieces and nephews call me Aunty #2 and now the great-nieces call me Graunty #2.  It is awesome.  Especially since I don’t have any nieces or nephews of my own.  As it was Halloween time at Disneyland, we all decided to go to one of the Halloween parties because they are amazing (if you go during Halloween tie, then for sure get tickets to the party).  One of the exclusive things that happens during the Halloween party is the parade and we made sure we got seated early to watch the special parade.

20160926_193134
How stinking cute is she?  

Now, even though it was the end of September, it was freaking hot while we were there.  Like temperatures in the 100s hot.  Even while we were sitting there waiting for the parade, it was hot.  I didn’t even dress up for the Halloween party because I knew I would be  too hot and didn’t want to deal with it.  So there we are, sitting on the curb on Main street, waiting for the parade when Baby B and Baby A showed up and we started entertaining them.  BFF left to go to the bathroom and somehow returned with popcorn (Disney popcorn id the BEST) and shoving popcorn in our gobs entertained us for quite a while.  At some point, Baby A, who is an infant, woke up and started crying.  It was quite apparent that she was hungry and since my niece breastfeeds, she decided to feed her.  My niece, being the awesome Mommy that she is, quickly put the baby to breast right then and there on Main Street.  Being nurses, BFF and I didn’t think anything about it.  At all.  Nor did it bother us.  She was doing what she needed to do…feeding her baby.  In fact, it so didn’t phase us that when her Brother brought it up later, we were shocked.  My niece breastfeeding in public shouldnt bother anyone but I guess it bothered the boys in the group.  Now I am not mad at the boys, just more bothered by the fact that society makes this such a big deal when it shouldn’t be.  Having a conversation with them made me realize how frustrated I am by society making public breastfeeding such a shameful act.  Let’s address the common issues shall we?

Issue #1:  She didn’t cover up.  Nope she sure didn’t.  It was almost 100 degrees. The baby was hungry and it was freaking hot.  Do you want to put a cover over your head while you eat in almost 100 degree temperatures?  Would you prefer she wait, with a screaming infant who could dehydrate till she could get to the breastfeeding area or bathroom in Disneyland.  No.  She didn’t have to.  She needed to feed her baby and did so quite quickly. You try eating with a blanket over your head.  See how you like it.  Are you hotter?  Do you feel like you are suffocating?  Now think about how a baby feels.  All they are trying to do is eat just like you.  There is no need for a cover up.  Period. Do you eat in the bathroom? With all the germs and smells, that sounds so delightful. Makes me want to grab my food and eat in there right now.  Gag.  If it makes you gag and you wouldn’t eat there,  then why should a baby.  That is disgusting.

Issue #2:  She didn’t warn them.  Nope.  Nor did she need to do so.  Do you warn people before you eat?  Do you feel the need to announce to the world that you are about to shove food in your pie hole?  Why should a breastfeeding mother?  This just draws more attention to her when she could just as quickly and quietly put baby to breast without everyone watching her.  Most of you walking down Main Street or sitting there near us probably didn’t even know she was breastfeeding.  So why should she announce to everyone that was what she was about to do?  If you don’t announce before you are going to consume a meal, then neither do breastfeeding mothers have to announce they are about to feed their babies.

Issue #3:  We saw her boob.  So freaking what.  It’s a boob people.  You saw it for a second and only a bit of it while she latched the baby.  Get over it.  If the world would quit sexualizing the breast, then this would not be an issue.  Breasts were not created for your enjoyment.  They were created to do exactly what my niece was doing…feed babies.  All you could see was tasteful sideboob.  If that bothers you, then don’t look.  I see more than that at the beach and with most celebrities at public functions.  Why is it ok for them but not for a mother who need to feed her baby?  Seriously…it is just a boob and the baby needed to eat. Quit your gawking.

Breastfeeding in public should NEVER be shameful.  It should never be something we ridicule or make mothers feel bad about doing.  Women were made to breastfeed their babies.  It should be celebrated and encouraged.  It should be normal.  A woman should not be made to feel ashamed for exposing her breast for a brief second to feed her baby nor be made to feed them in a bathroom.  Women should be allowed to breastfeed in public with no repercussions.  It is ridiculous that we sexualize breasts so much that a woman cannot do the simple natural act of breastfeeding in public.  I applaud all those women who do feed their babies in public without covering up and without a second thought.  I applaud all those that share photos of them breastfeeding on social media.  Most of all…I applaud my niece for feeding her baby on Main Street in Disneyland without so much as a second thought.  Sweet neice…you made me proud.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did stick up for my niece for breastfeeding in public without a second thought but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who says stop shaming public breastfeeding and feed your babies Running.  The experiment continues…

The Power Of A Push


This year, on one of our trips to Disneyland, we got to go with BFF’s Brother and his family.  Her brother had never been to Disneyland so this proved to be quite the fun trip as we love going with people on their first visit.  I love watching their faces light up with excitement as they realize how magical that place really and truly is.  I love riding the rides with people and listening to their excitement.  It is just so much fun.  This trip was no exception.  Plus it was Halloween time at Disneyland which means that they change-up BFF’s favorite ride, Space Mountain to Ghost Galaxy and it is even scarier than usual.  We were all pumped to get on it, especially BFF’s Brother and we all got in line first thing.  What we were not prepared for was for it to be even scarier than usual when we got stuck on it.  Again.

Now if you will recall, BFF and I got stuck on this ride and had to be evacuated off on a previous visit.  Who would have thought it would happen again?  Certainly not us as we got on for BFF’s Brother’s first time ever riding Space Mountain.  If you aren’t familiar with the ride, it is a rollercoaster in the dark.  Completely in the dark, except for the stars and stuff to make it look like you are in outer space.  The ride started like normal and as we started to go down and around, screaming the entire time (especially BFF’s Brother), when all of a sudden, we stop and all the lights come on.  Super sudden.  It was creepy and weird as we all looked around at the ride with the lights on.  We were near the top but did not expect the rails to be so close!  There we sat as the announcement was made that soon cast members would be by to assist us.  Ummm…ok?  So there we were, sitting in a car with all the lights on inside Space Mountain.  We could look down and see how the ride is set up and see other cars on the tracks as well.  BFF’s Brother turned around and asked if this was normal to which we assured him it was not.  I took the opportunity to look around and take some pictures since I had never seen the ride with the lights on before.  Really you would be surprised at how close all the tracks are and it would make you think twice about putting your hands up when you are riding.  It was a little scarey to see how high up we were and how close the rails and the other cars were to us.

20160926_095641
Myself, BFF and the Nephew awaiting to see what will become of us
20160926_095712
Do you see how close all those other cars are below us?  We are not amused
20160926_095649
How the hell are we getting down?
20160926_095820
Right below us.  What happened to those two in the front?  Did the other riders eat them?

We waited for what seemed like an eternity for cast members to finally get to us.  We saw other cars leave till it was just us.  Were we going to be stuck there forever?  Would we have to resort to cannibalism to survive? Just when I was starting to panic slightly, two cast members run up to us.  They look at us and one says “Huh.  This car doesn’t usually stop here.  That is weird. This must be the problem.”  Well that statement doesn’t inspire any confidence dude.  Not at all.  He then tells us that they are going to send us down and if we want to ride again to just let the cast member know at the end of the ride and they will keep us on.  Wait.  Wat?  How the hell are we going to get down if the ride stopped?  He then looked at all of us, smiled and told us to hang on because they were going to give us a push.  A push?  What the heck?  What do you mean a push?  How will that keep us going?  We are going to ride down on the power of a push?  I was now slightly terrified as BFF’s Brother turned around and said “Oh My God.  We might die”

20160926_095945
A push you say?  Holy Hannah….

With a smile, the cast members indeed push us and our car starts to go.  Wait!  I have never held on so tight in all the times I have ridden that ride.  Faster and faster, it went along the entire ride track…with the lights on.  You could see how close and tight the turns were and it was truly terrifying.  Plus, no music, no sounds of power.  Just us and the car, flying down the tracks to our dooms.  That is what it felt like.  More scary than with the lights off.  Pretty sure you could hear my screams the loudest as we flew through the ride without the ride going.  Of course when we finished, we decided to stay on.  The girl behind the Nephew was terrified and didn’t want to stay on but did because we all did.  I think she was just as terrified as me as the car flew down that track.  Even though that car was the cause of the breakdown, we all decided to stay on and ride again. I might have held my breath a bit as we started back up the incline, but this time, the lights stayed off and we rode it the way it was intended…with the lights off thank goodness.  BFF’s Brother got to experience it in a way most people do not and loved it.  Both times.  I never want to have that happen again.  I think I would rather turn to cannibalism than ride Space Mountain in the dark.  I never want to have that scarey ride again.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I thought I might as we got stuck in Space Mountain and got pushed down but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who rode Space Mountain on the power of a push with the lights on Running.  The experiment continues…

A Dinner With Romance Authors In Which I Expand My Vocabulary


Ever wonder what it is like to have dinner with authors?  I am sure you readers out there have fantasized about the intellectual conversation that would occur, discussing books and reading and all sorts of things.  And inside you would be silently fangirling over the fact that you were having dinner with authors (Ok maybe that is just me.  Sometimes I forget that I, too, am a writer).  It would be like those dinners with Oprah that she used to show, a book club of sorts and it would all be elegant and fancy.  BFF and I had a dinner in Boise with other authors, most of them romance authors as that is what most of my friends write, and let me tell you it was quite the experience.  Not at all like what you picture.  Nope.  Let me tell you, when you have a dinner with mostly romance authors, the conversation gets rather….well shall we say colorful?  I am giggling right now just thinking about the author dinner following the signing at Boise.  Pretty sure my sides hurt from laughter and my vocabulary is greatly expanded.

Most of my friends happen to be romance authors because that is what I like to read.  Romance and YA are my two preferred genres and the group of romance authors I am friends with have helped me immensely in this author world.  After the signing, we had a dinner that the book fest organizer arranged in a private room at the hotel and our entire group went to have dinner together.   The dinner was actually JUST our entire group of friends with a couple of spouses, a brother, and BFF included.  I knew then there would be shenanigans.  There was some talk of business and how to improve the next year’s event, but quite rapidly the conversation turned.  Let me tell you, romance writers have quite the …ummmm….vocabulary.  I believe there was some sort of question asked about how many words could we all come up with as an alternative for the word penis.  Oh lordy.  I am quite certain that the brother of one of the authors was not prepared for the variety and the quick way in which that question was answered.  Pretty sure I must have heard like 250 words used to describe the male anatomy.  I have read a lot of terms, being a romance reader, like “shaft” and “member”, but the term “pussy puncher”?  That was a new one for even me.  The funny thing was that it actually came from one of the three men who were dining with us, not one of the romance writers in the group.  And that was not the only thing we learned from the guys.

We all quickly learned that in the military, it is quite customary to go into the bathroom and discover intricate drawings of the male anatomy.  Complete with shading and detail drawn usually in sharpie.  Apparently the bathrooms is usually where these drawings can be found and new ones pop up every day.  What I want to know is how much time do these guys spend in the bathroom drawing such pictures?  One of the guys even described going into the bathroom to clean off the penises already drawn in there and finding quite the drawing on the ceiling of the bathroom.  I believe he called it the “Sistine Chapel of Cock”.  I have never laughed so hard in my entire life as BFF turned to me and said “Can’t you just see it?  Two penises almost touching like in the original picture?”  Hysterical laughter could be heard loudly, especially as just as the phrase “Sistine Chapel of Cock” was said again as one of the wait staff walked into the room to see if we needed anything. He quickly exited, his face turning a few shades of red.  Poor dude.  The conversation turned even raunchier after that and our poor organizer got lessons in all sorts of sexual things.  These are romance writers after all.  She also turned some amazing shades of red.

Just when the poor wait staff thought it was safe to come in and clear for dessert, the same waiter came in right as we were discussing another picture that was described as “Dick-A-Saurus Rex”.  The poor waiter turned a few more shades of red and shook his head at us as we laughed even harder.  I am sure he had some stories to tell as he listened in to our colorful conversation.  I wish I could tell you all the conversation that we had, but lordy it was raunchy.  My friends are loud, obnoxious and hysterical. Let me just say that I left that dinner with a great expansion of my vocabulary and sore abdominal muscles.  Also, I am pretty sure the organizer is regretting allowing us to all be in the same room together.  I wonder if she is going to ask us all back?

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did learn new vocabulary for the male anatomy but I did not die.  I am the Fat Girl who learned all about the “Sistine Chapel of Cock” Running.  The experiment continues…