How I Became The Star of an Avant Garde Adult Film or How Not to Be Rude in the Theater


Just this last week, BFF and I traveled down to Satan’s Armpit AKA Phoenix to go see the So You Think You can Dance tour show. For those not familiar with the TV show, it is a competition dance show and the top 10 contestants go n tour every year to showcase some of the dances done on the show. We have gone for several years and we were excited to see some amazing dancing and have a good time.  What we were not expecting was to encounter some unbelievably rude people in the theater.  And I do not man just inconsiderate people. I am talking abut down right rudest people we have probably ever encountered in a theater.  I mean I thought at one point I was the star of some weird avant garde adult film as a result.  So let’s talk about how not to be so rude.

First off, don’t be obnoxiously drunk.  We all know theaters now serve adult concessions and BFF and I even grabbed us a good old whiskey and diet coke for the show.  If you do decide to imbibe at a show, please stop before you become the gals a couple rows in front of us that were so loud, obviously drunk, and stood up to perform their own version of the routine.  Nobody wants to see that.  They luckily were escorted out by staff before someone fell and got hurt, but it should have not gone that far.  This was not a rock concert.  This was a dance performance.  No need to get that intoxicated that you get thrown out of the theater.  Nice waste of your over $100 tickets.

Secondly, know how your phone works if you are going to take photos or film.  The gal in front of us obviously did not know how hers worked.  Every time she turned on her camera, her light went on as well. And not just once.  Nope.  EVERY time.  Then, she would act surprised the light was on which was blinding those in front of her, probably the dancers on stage and annoying the crap of those of us behind her.  She must have done this five times before the intermission.  During intermission, she gave her phone to her husband who also could not figure out how to turn the light off or the flash for that matter.  So guess what she did?  She KEPT TRYING during the show.  How about you just enjoy the show and not try and film the whole thing?  UGH.  There is a special place in hell for people like this.

But the worst offender?  The absolute worst was the guy sitting next to me.  Now let me preface this by saying I had no issue with him during the show.  What happened afterwards was the single most rudest thing I have ever had happen.  The show ends and what do you do after you finish clapping?  You gather your things and wait for people to start filing out of the long rows.  Now, mind you, we were in the middle of the row so we knew it would take a bit.  I stood up and started to grab our stuff and put on my leather jacket when I heard an “Excuse me” from behind me.  I turned slightly and there is this guy and his wife trying to get past me.  Um. Where do you think you are going to go?  There is a line of people gathering their things and attempting to leave at the same time as you Buddy.  He then pushed on my arm and said it again.  At this point, I turned around and politely told him it would be a few moment as the row was just starting to empty.  Was this good enough?  Apparently not.  As I bent over to pick up my purse, this asshole behind me, grabbed my arm and pushed me into my seat, blazing his way past me, He even shoved his wife behind me so I could not even stand up.  At this point, I am stunned and bent over the seat with my booty in the air like I am making some sort of weird avant garde adult film, when I hear BFF say “Excuse me!” as he attempted to push past her as well.  She luckily stepped slightly back in her astonishment so he did not push her into her seat as well.  I am still there with my ass in the air as I hear BFF start to go full out angry girl Mexican on him.  I was half expecting her to hand me her shoes and earrings as she loudly starts to shame him.

“Ooooh. So glad you could push right past us to get right in front of me. Why are you in such a rush?”  Her voice got louder and louder as he continued to try and push past the gal in front of her.  “Where do you think you are going?  Think you can just push women around? Nobody else is going anywhere Buddy!”

I was struggling to get my ass out of the air to help her and all I could say was “Yeah!” as I stood up.  I am so helpful to BFF in a confrontation.  Finally upright, I witnessed his shoving continue as he shoved the gal in front of BFF causing her to drop the entire contents of her purse on the floor.  We watched, astonished, BFF continuing to yell at him, as he shoved his way out of the row and out the door.  I mean, who does that?  As BFF turned to make sure I was okay and not starring in some weird avant garde adult film, she noted that if he had gone the other way in the row, he would have gotten out faster and how it was actually closer to the exit.  I still am stunned that anyone would be so rude as to shove their way through the row to get out instead of just waiting your turn.  Did he have to pee that badly?  Was he hoping to beat the traffic in the parking garage?  Hint:  then buy your tickets at the end of the row, not the middle.  Did he think the zombie apocalypse was starting?  Was he trying to escape before we all got eaten?  Do I need to start planning our escape route?  Did he release the virus?  Whatever his thought process, it does not excuse his behavior.  Do not be like this guy. Unless you are really trying to make some sort of avant garde adult film in which people are ass in the air over theater seats.  Then at least have me sign a release and give me some Skittles for my performance.  Geez.

So next time you go to a theater, make sure you are not like the people we encountered at this show.  Do not be rude.  Be polite and enjoy the show.  Unless the zombie apocalypse has truly started.  Then it is every person for themselves in the theater.  For real.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did experience some extremely rude people at a dance show but I didn’t die.  I am the Fat Girl who does not want to be the star of an avant garde adult film or rude in the theater Running.  The experiment continues…

Weirdos At The Theater


BFF and I love to go see live musicals and one of our favorites is Newsies.  If you remember, we saw it over a year ago and had a weird experience where people in Tucson didn’t dress up.  At all.  Well, when we heard it was coming back, we got tickets to the show in Phoenix (AKA the Devil’s Butthole) and were super excited to go.  So we planned a trip and decided to throw in a baseball game while we were down there.  In case you didn’t know, both of us are huge baseball fanatics so we can’t pass up a chance to see one live if we have the opportunity, especially to see the Arizona Diamondbacks play.  Even if it meant a couple of days in the Devil’s Butthole.  But baseball and Newsies with my BFF?  A good time had by all…till we ran into weirdos at the theater.

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Aren’t we the cutest baseball fans ever?  Pretty sure.

The baseball game was great as expected because baseball.  Even though we lost to the Dodgers, we had a great time.  We ate some amazing food and had fun with all the people around us and then walked back to our hotel.  The next night was Newsies and we were so excited to see it again.  If you haven’t seen this one, you really really should.  Disney does an amazing job with musicals and this one is no exception.  So, BFF and I got dressed up appropriately in nice dresses and went to the theater.  This is where the weirdness began.  Is there some unspoken rule now that people don’t dress up for the theater anymore?  I mean, we were not in fancy dresses because it was a mid week show, but we were still in nicer dresses.  People were in shorts and flip-flops, jeans and t-shirts, even kids were in every day sloppy clothes.  The exception was the one little guy we saw all dressed up in a Newsies costume, which was AWESOME!  We should have taken a photo of him because he was so adorable, complete with Newsies bag for papers and all.  Seriously adorable and obviously a fan.  Also, ladies…when you were a dress, make sure your bits and pieces are covered.  I do not need to see most of your arse while we are at the theater. So many girls had on the shortest dresses.  Please save that for other events, like hooking on the street.  I guess I don’t get it.  I was always taught that you dress up for things like the theater or the ballet.  Apparently, when it is hot out, people in Phoenix don’t do that either.  I still feel that you shouldn’t wear shorts and flip flops and a golf visor on your head to the theater.  Nope.  Have some respect and wear at least church clothes, especially when you pay good money to see a Broadway show or a ballet.  Although BFF did point out that some of those people might wear exactly that to church.  Am I just old-fashioned?

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Appropriately dressed for a Broadway show.  Bits and pieces covered.

Once in our seats, BFF and I started looking through our playbills and talking about how excited we were to see the show.  We were there early, so for a bit, our seats around us were empty.  Some ladies soon showed up and one larger girl took the seat next to BFF.  And by took the seat, I mean she almost sat on BFF.  No, wait.  She did sit upon her at first.  So there is poor BFF scooted over as far as she can get in her seat towards me and the gal sitting next to her has turned to talk to her friend and in doing so, pushes up against BFF even more.  Really?  Are you kidding me?  I realize that she was a bigger girl, but so am I and I don’t sit upon people or squish them!  BFF is quite perturbed at this point and quietly I offer to switch her seats but she shakes her head.  I think we were hoping the gal would notice she was practically sitting on top of her.  Nope.  She sure as heck did not notice.  Squishy Lady just kept on talking and then she flipped her hair.  Right in BFF’s face.  BFF was now quite done and said to her in a polite yet bitchy tone “Excuse me but you just flipped your hair right in my face.”  OH!  Now the lady noticed she was sitting right on top of her and moved and apologized.  Thank goodness.  Otherwise BFF would have been squished right up against me for the entire show.  I was afraid she would be trapped there all night, unable to pee, drink water or even breathe.  I might have had to rescue her if the lady had not moved.  We even snapchatted about it quietly (Follow me there for fun stuff!  Snapchat name:  ladymiryaa).  BFF was finally free of the Squishy Lady next to her and we settled back to talk a bit before the show started.  And that is when I noticed the guy sitting next to me.

I hadn’t noticed him before because I was plotting on how to free BFF from the Squishy Lady so that my BFF wouldn’t be a squished little pancake BFF.  But after the Squishy Lady quit squishing her, I reached down to get some water to drink and noticed the man next to me.  The man who had removed his shoes.  Excuse me?  Is this real?  Yes, you read that right.  He had removed his shoes.  And not flip-flops, regular dress shoes.  So, there he sat in his nice dress clothes and his socks.  Hello!  You are not at home in front of your TV.  You are at the theater.  With other people.  You can’t just remove your shoes and fill the theater with your foot funk.  I nudged BFF and tilted my head at the Socked Wonder sitting next to me.  She looked down and then at me in horror and disgust.  Have I mentioned we both hate feet?  Seriously he had his shoes off!  I mean what the heck.  Who does that?  BFF quietly leans towards me and says “You win.  That is disgusting.”  Yahoo?  I won!  Not sure that I wanted to win that competition of having the worst weirdo sitting next to me at the theater, but I did.  Ugh.

Despite the weirdos at the theater, BFF and I had a great time in the Devil’s Butthole for a couple of days.  And go see Newsies!  Hopefully you won’t have your own version of Squishy Lady and Socked Wonder at your show.  And please, for my sake, dress nicely and cover your bits and pieces.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that people are weirdos at the theater but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who doesn’t squish people or take off her shoes at the theater Running.  The experiment continues…