The Worst Superpower Ever


Apparently, there is actually a Superhero day in April.  Who knew?  I feel like that every day now has something associated with it, but Superhero day?  That seems weird to me. Why do we need to have special days for everything?  I remember when it was just things like Mother’s day and the holidays.  Now we have Left-hander’s Day, Sibling day and all sorts of weird things, like Superhero day. Don’t get me wrong…BFF and I are HUGE Superhero fans.  I mean, come on.  We dressed as Wonder Woman and Robin for Halloween.  But to have a whole day especially dedicated?  Nah.  We don’t need that.   This weird day though did lead me to think about a conversation BFF, Bubby, Pocket Fiance and I had about superpowers.  We were trying to think about what would be the absolute worst superpower to have if you were to be given one.  I mean we always ask people what superpower they would like to have and you are always granted with the answers of invisibility, flight, mind reading, etc.  But what would you consider the worst superpower?  Would it be not being able to lie?  Hmmmmm.  We were all thinking about this question when Pocket Fiance came up with the what we considered to be the worst superpower…the power of the vinegar smell.

Picture it.  You are in the car with your friends driving to a fun night out.  You see a robbery taking place and your friends yell at you to use your superpower to stop the crime.  You get so freaked out you release your superpower in the car. Vinegar smell.  In a small enclosed space. Way to be. Now everyone in the car smells like a giant douche and the robber is free.  Awesome.  How are you supposed to stop a robbery with your super power?  Are you supposed to overpower the robber with your acidic smell?  I mean, some people hate that smell, but maybe someone would be repelled enough by your smell to run away and forget the robbery. Or maybe they would decide to stop and make a salad or clean out their vagina if they are a girl.  Great.  So now you are the superhero that cleans out vaginas. Does this mean your name will be Vagina-Cleaning Man?  Supersalad?  Fermentation Woman? I mean the possibilities on your name are endless but most of them are not so great.

Can you imagine how annoyed all your friends will be when you release your superpower in such a small space?  Too small a space to bring that smell my friend!  Release that acid smell in the wild!  At least if you are going to release that smell, give people a warning!  Yell “vinegar smell” and do some sort of little dance so we know you are doing that.  It would be almost as bad as a person who lets out egg farts without a warning.  At least roll the windows down and say you are sorry.  Geez Fermentation Woman…way to ruin a nice car ride.  Or there you are at a party and someone asks you to show off your superpower.  Doing your vinegar smell dance and hanging your head in shame, you have now cleared the entire room.  I guess if you really wanted to have a one person party that is a good idea.  It is not like you can leap tall buildings, fly through the sky, hear conversations miles away or cut things in half with your laser eyes.  Although, if I were a criminal and I saw Vagina-Cleaning Man coming toward me, I would drop what I was doing and run the other way.  Why?  Because I don’t want to be that criminal in jail that smells like a giant salad.  The other criminals are gonna know who caught me just by the distinct smell.   I would get laughed at in prison and be made somebody’s love slave because I was the one caught by the vinegar smell of Vagina-Cleaning Man.  My family would be shamed when they came to see me because I am sporting new drawn on scary eyebrows and cornrows in my hair and a brand new home-made tattoo.  Nope.  I am running if Vagina-Cleaning Man comes to bust me.  I am outta there.

I think Pocket Fiance hit the nail on the head with the worst superpower ever of vinegar smell.  No amounts of cute dancing and warning can make that superpower tolerable. With this superpower you will never be as cool as Batman.  Lame.  Totally lame.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did realize how lame having the superpower of releasing vinegar smell would be and how I wouldn’t want to be caught by Vagina-Cleaning Man but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl not wanting to be someone’s prison love slave and sporting a new tattoo due to my life of crime Running.  The experiment continues…

 

Sometimes Words Can Change Your Life or How I Learned I Have Mutant Powers


Words have an impact sometimes on your life that you had no idea they would have.  When you first hear I love you from the person you desperately want to hear it from.  When you hear that someone you love has died.  When you hear that you are pregnant.  When you hear you got a job.  When you hear you lost a job.  All these words have the ability to change your life in a way that is either good or bad.  Sometimes you have no idea how those words are going to affect you until you hear them.  Six weeks ago I heard three words that changed my life forever.  You have cancer.

When my doc spoke those words to me six weeks ago, I had no idea the impact they would have.  I went in for a routine follow-up from having a polyp removed from my uterus and did not expect those words to come out of her mouth.  I am pretty sure I heard nothing after those words were said.  In fact, not expecting her to say that, I think I might have sat there dumbfounded in my short little gown, sheet over my va-jay-jay, feeling completely shocked.  My doc even had to stop and ask me if I heard anything she said.  I looked at her and squeaked “I have cancer.”  That was all I could manage.  It felt so surreal then for her to go about doing a lady exam like she had not just told me that I had cancer and had to have surgery to remove the offending organ.  But let’s just stick our fingers up there to feel said offending organ and talk about my options like nothing had just occurred.  I felt like I was in someone else’s dream and expected to wake up at any point or to have a zebra run by in slow motion like in a dream sequence in a movie.  I walked out of there with an appointment to have surgery and disbelief on my face.  I immediately got into my car and called BFF because I knew she would understand about my uterus being inhospitable.  Yup.  It seems my uterus is an inhospitable place.  Well, according to BFF, it is hospitable to one thing…cancer.  Hey…it is not like I was using it or planning on using it anyways.  So out it comes…cancer and all.

I am not gonna lie and say I wasn’t upset about being told that I have cells that decided to mutate negatively.  I mean I was upset but then I got to thinking about the inhospitable environment my uterus has become and wondered how the hell those cells got there in the first place.  How did they mutate and do you think this means I now have mutant powers?  Wouldn’t that be cool?  I could be like my own superhero with the powers.  Maybe I could join the X-Men and wear a sparkly pink unitard with a cape and fight evil with my mutant uterus in my hand.  I could throw cancer cells at the bad guys randomly to defeat them.  Take that bad guys!  I can grow mutant uterine cells and you can’t mostly because you are bad guys and guys don’t have uteruses (or is it uteri?)!  Hi-Ya!  Feel the wrath of my mutant cells!  Take that stupid cancer!  Maybe my uterus could multiply like the cancer cells and then become a flaming ball of uterine cancer.  That would be rad.  I want to race Professor X’s wheelchair down the hallway and chase all the other mutants.  I wonder if they would let me fly the secret X-Men jet and if I could get Wolverine to use his cool claws to like open a bag of Skittles for me or something.  Then I would offer my new pal some and whisper all covertly to him “Taste the rainbow Wolverine”.  It would be the best day ever.

You might be wondering how I can be so cavalier about such a thing as cancer.  Well, why not?  We all have challenges in our lives and we have all had those moments when words change our lives, but I won’t let this freak me out.  I would rather let those words be fighting mutant words and let them change me that way.    We have the ability to decide how words will change us.  Only you can let words affect you.  This is just another hurdle for the Fat Girl to jump and jump I will.  With my mutant superpowers, unitard and cape on, uterus in hand ready to fight.  Just watch out…I am not sure of my jet flying ability.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did decide not to let words change my life negatively but rather keep on…well….running.  I am Fat Girl with a inhospitable mutant uterus but a sparkly pink unitard and cape running.  The experiment continues…