Let the Battle Begin!


This week Flagstaff got it’s first big snow…for those of you who are not aware, I live in the mountains of Arizona and yes it does snow here.  In fact, we are currently leading the country in snowfall with 30 inches that fell this week.  I am not a fan of this much snow at once.  It requires a lot of shoveling and hazardous driving conditions since there always seems to be people on the road that do not know how to drive in it.  But let’s talk about the real reason I hate the snow….the snow plow guy.  This guy and I have had nameless battles over the snow he plows in front of my freshly cleared driveway.  So with this 30 inches of snow, the battle began afresh this year.  With one new addition….my new snowblower.

When the snow fell the first day, I was at work late due to a meeting so I actually didn’t get home until almost noon to a foot and a half that needed to be cleared out of my driveway.  A little disheartening when you just want to go to bed to say the least.  Now, mind you, I did have a small snowblower that I have abused for many years.  It took me an hour and a half to clear the snow because it was so deep and my blower was so small.  At this point, I was thinking I might as well have shoveled because it took me so long.  Not once, this first day did I see the snow plow guy come by…like at all.  Our streets were a mess.  I could not have gone anywhere if I had wanted to because they were so nasty and dangerous.  The second morning I got up and proceeded to clear the next foot and a half that was on my driveway.  First, I had to shovel the large giant ice boulders that were at the end of it, courtesy of the snow plow guy that had FINALLY come by.  As I was clearing my driveway, all I could smell was gas.  And a lot of it.  I couldn’t figure out why.  I thought maybe I had spilled some when I filled up the tank so I finished and went inside to take a shower to warm up.  I came back out to the garage later and smelled the over powering smell of gasoline.  I checked the puddle under my blower, hoping it was just snow.  Nope. It was gas.  Leaking all over my garage floor.  I quickly moved the snowblower outside and put it in the snow to confirm my suspicions.  Yup.  Gas.  Ugh….I had repaired this blower at least 4-5 times for the same issue and the thought of having it repaired again when we were due to get more snow about sent me over the edge.

I did not want to shovel.  At all.  I also did not want to deal with the gas leaking blower.  At all.  Luckily, my Bubby happened to call me about a package at my house for him to ask about the roads and I lamented over my leaking snowblower.  He suggested we go buy a new one and he would take me (seriously I have the BEST Bubby ever) since the roads sucked (and no snow plow guy all day in my hood.  We went over to the closest Home Depot to discover not only were they almost sold out, but they also wanted about $700 for a new one.  Nope.  Not happening.  Bubby was willing to drive me over to the other side of town to Cal-Ranch to see if they had any.  I was game as it was already snowing again so we slowly made our way over there.  They had some sitting right in the foyer and they were on sale!  The one my Bubby picked out for me is not only bigger than my old one, but I quickly discovered it was a beast!  We got it home (another reason I was glad Bubby went with me) and he got is started up for me.  We decided to see how it would do against the piles of snow at the end of my driveway sine the snow plow guy had finally been by (do they only plow my hood at night?  I mean really?) It took him no time at all to walk with this beast of a blower down to the end of the drive clearing the 2 inches that had already fallen.  He got to the end and in no time flat, had cleared the piles down to the asphalt.  Better than the snow plow guy clears the street that is for damn sure.  Never have I been more crazy excited about a piece of machinery.  I quickly cleared my driveway (including the burum at the end) within ten minutes and disposed of the old blower to the backyard where it could leak gas all over the snow there.

I stood there afterwards and looked out on my driveway.  Bring it snow plow guy.  Bring it.  This battle of the burums shall not end well for you my non clearing street friend.  Oh yeah.  Bring it.  Also…I took some selfies with my new snowblower cuz I am that crazy excited about it.  I know…I am a weirdo.  I don’t even think I need captions for these cuz who takes a selfie with their new snowblower?  THIS GAL!

 

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however purchase a bad ass snowblower that will win the battle of the burums this year so bring it snow plow guy but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who apparently takes selfies with her new snowblower Running.  The experiment continues…

Beware Of The Untouched Snow: A Cautionary Father’s Day Tale


Since I just went and spent the weekend with my crazy family (more on that to come) and because Father’s Day was just last week, I thought I would share with you a little cautionary tale about me and my Daddy.  My Daddy and I spent a lot of time together when I was little as I was an only child until that bratty Bubby came along when I was 11.  The story I am about to tell you took place circa 1978 BB or Before Bubby.  Let me set the scene:  winter in Iowa where it had been snowing for days and finally stopped.  We were at my Grandma’s farm and decided to go play in the snow….here is where the tale turns to a dark one….just kidding.  But really the day did not turn out like my Daddy had planned let’s just say.

Like I said, Daddy and I decided to go outside and play in the snow together.  Now, back in the day, this meant bundling up in A Christmas Story fashion complete with snowmobile suit, scarfs, long underwear, gloves, boots…you name it we wore it to stay dry and warm.  I looked like that kid in the movie who can’t put his arm’s down.  For serious.  Every kid in the Midwest in the 70s can relate I am sure.  So after ensuring I was bundled up good, out we went to make snow angels, throw snowballs and all the fun things you do as a kid in the snow.  Why I thought that was fun is beyond me….I hate playing in the snow as an adult.  Maybe it is because I hate being cold and wet.  Or maybe it is because I am more of an indoor girl.  It had been snowing hard for days so the snow was the best kind to play in…deep and fluffy.  Daddy and I decided to try to build a snow fort, but the snow was too fluffy so we gave up and decided to go for a walk even though the drifts were almost as tall as I was in some points.  It was then we saw it….the perfect drift.  A huge, fluffy drift of snow, untouched by any animal or bird.  There was absolutely no marks in it except for the marks the wind made as it built the drift up.  It was the perfect drift of snow to make a snow angel in or just plain jump in.  But Daddy had a different idea.  One that Mother Nature screwed with in a big way.

At some point, while admiring this beautiful perfect virgin drift of snow, my Daddy decided it would be fun to throw me into it.  Smiling at me, he picked me up by one arm and one leg and started to swing me toward the drift.  I was thrilled seeing how high he was swinging me and laughed, anticipating landing into all that fluffy snow with a cloud of it surrounding me.  Daddy finally let go and I felt myself launched into the air with a grunt.  I flew for a few seconds and then it happened…the landing.  Instead of landing into a fluffy cloud of snow, I landing with an OOOOOOMPH onto nature’s trick.  A drift of solid hard packed ice crusted snow.  All the air rushed out of me and I lay there unable to move or make a sound or even take a breath.  I could hear my Daddy gasp and cry out  “OH SHIT!” as he raced to me, picking me up telling me it was gonna be ok as I struggled to get in some air.  I was finally able to catch my breath and what came out was a strangled sob.  In reality, I am sure I sounded like a strangled hyena pup or something similar since it was still hard to breathe.  I am sure wolves from all over were attracted to the sounds I was making and we were lucky they didn’t all come sniffing around to see what the hell was making those noises.  Needless to say, I really was not in the mood to play in the snow as the tears froze to my cheeks and I struggled to breathe, so my Daddy carried me back to my Grandma’s farmhouse.  My poor Daddy. Really he did think it was a fluffy drift of snow and had no idea Mother Nature was a fucking bitch and made it all hard packed and lung collapsing.  Fuck you Mother Nature and your lung collapsing Daddy time ruining snow drift.  You are an asshole.

The moral of the story is to always test the snow drifts before launching your young daughter into the air to land in them.  This will save her from a collapsed lung and you from Grandma swatting you upside the head when you bring her in with her frozen tears stuck to her face. I will never trust deceptive Mother Nature again.   Lesson learned.  I love you Daddy.

Daddy and me happy in the time BB (before Bubby)
Daddy and me happy in the time BB (before Bubby)

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I felt like I was dying when I hit that hard packed snowdrift the bitch Mother Nature made but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl without a collapsed lung but a fun-loving well-meaning Daddy who learned to test the snow Running.  The experiment continues…