How To Tell When BFF Is REALLY Sick


Over SuperBowl weekend, BFF and I went on our annual We Hate The Superbowl trip to Disneyland.  We needed a Dole Whip fix you see.  We also needed some fun after having so much grief in such a short period.  So off to the Happiest Place on Earth it was.  Just the two of us.  We made it a short trip and good thing we did because who would have thought that poor BFF would get sick.  And when she gets sick, she gets SICK.  So here is how to tell when BFF is REALLY sick.

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Dole Whip Fix!

The trip started out normally except that BFF complained that her allergies were terrible and that her nose was runny from them.  We really didn’t think anything of it to be honest.  I mean, I know life was throwing us tomatoes and neither one of us was sleeping much, but we really didn’t think she was sick.  I noticed more kleenex growing in a pile next to her in the car like Tribbles, but really I didn’t think she was sick. It was like the kleenex were breeding.  And BFF kept insisting it was allergies.  Then the coughing started.  And I mean coughing.  Hmmmmmm…..

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Even in the rain, we keep going
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I can see here in her eyes she doesn’t feel the best

Fast forward to one night when we came back to get our jackets to continue the night and so BFF could check in with her Momma.  I took the time to lounge on the bed and found a Harry Potter movie to entertain myself.  I mean, my feet needed a rest anyways and I was in no hurry to go back.  I did run over to the Club and grab us some foods to nosh on once she was done talking with her Momma and filling her in on all the fun we were having.  BFF finished her call, came and lounged next to me and we shoved some amazing foods in our gobs.  Next thing I know, we are still lounging watching Harry Potter and I realized something….BFF didn’t feel good.  There is no way she would let us just lounge in the room and watch a movie if she felt good.  I turned to her and asked her how she was feeling.  When she looked at me, I could see in her eyes she didn’t feel her best and she replied “I must not feel that good if it isn’t bothering me that we are just laying here watching Harry Potter instead of playing in the park.”  I then watched her  have a coughing fit and heard her wheezing next to me.  I handed her my inhaler and she agreed to use it, feeling better but not admitting she was sick.

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Despite her not feeling her best and us deciding she must take it easy, she persevered and got some amazing sleep.  We had a great time, despite her still not wanting to admit she was sick and our trip ended a little too soon.  We packed up and headed down to load up the car.  The valet brought the car around and I started helping put the bags where we wanted them for the drive home.  I turned to ask BFF where she wanted a bag and noticed she was on the phone.  Thinking she must be talking to her Momma, I figured it out and we climbed in.  It was then I heard her conversation and realized what she was doing….making a doctor’s appointment for the next morning.  BFF NEVER goes to the doctor unless she feels totally crappy (nurses make the WORST patients).  I mean NEVER.  Her spleen could be hanging outside her body and she would just slap some Saran wrap and duck tape over it and continue on with her day.  Like her spleen should just be hanging around outside her body.  Completely normal folks.  She once broke her toe and it was hanging off to the side.  What did she do?  Put it back in place and taped it to the other toe and put on her shoe and came to work.  BFF is a badass people.  She really never does go to the doctor.  Not even for check ups.  No joke.  So to hear her on the phone making a doctor’s appointment?  She REALLY did not feel good.   I looked at her questioningly when she got off the phone and she said to me “I think I am sick.”  Poor BFF.  And what a trooper to power through a trip at Disneyland.

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Nope. Not sick at all.

By the way, she was totally sick.  Bronchitis.  Antibiotics, and inhaler and steroids.  But you know, it was just allergies.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover what a trooper my BFF is and wish she would have just admitted she didn’t feel good but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a BFF who can’t ever admit she is sick until she is REALLY sick Running.  The experiment continues…

When You Make Up A New Word That Is Unnervingly Accurate


We all know I like to make up words from time to time but really my words do accurately describe things.  Unnervingly so.  I mean stoob, when your stomach meets your boobs, is a perfect example.  It really does describe something and I definitely have a stoob. I am sure some of you can relate to that and to Chub Rub, which we all know afflicts those of us Fat Girls without a thigh gap.  So see, making up terms sometimes is a good thing.  After all, they do have a whole thing called Urban Dictionary to describe slang vernacular.  I wish stoob and Chub Rub were in there and I could be credited with creating them.  That might be all kinds of awesome.  Anyways, me making up words is really not a new thing but sometimes a necessity.  Don’t you do this to describe things in your life?  You should try it.  Your word might catch on, you never know.

The other night at work, I decided to coin a new word out of necessity.  I mean, it was 6:30 am and we were a little slap happy with it being the end of a busy shift but honestly, the word was really needed to describe what a poor kid had on the floor.  Sometimes this is when the best words are created, when you least expect it.  This word is one I can unfortunately relate to and so can a lot of you.  It is unnervingly accurate.  So here is my word that I coined and it’s definition:

Shemesis:  n.  A condition in which you perform the act of simultaneously shitting and vomiting at the same time.  (We call vomiting emesis in the medical field).  The worst.

Good word, no?  I mean it does the job.  It describes exactly the predicament you are in when you might have this condition. Can you relate?  Oh I can and it is not pretty.  Let’s just say having shemesis is not a fun condition in the least.  I have been this sick so I completely sympathize with this patient that had this the other night.  I might have laughed at my poor co-worker who had to deal with it because we used the Wheel of Destiny to decide who got an admit and he definitely got the raw end of that spin and I might have done a dance of joy to not have to clean up shemesis.  But really, shemesis is no laughing matter.  Have you ever been afflicted with shemesis?  Let’s discuss this.

Shemesis can be your worst nightmare when you are sick.  I mean nobody likes to vomit to begin with and add the shitting part on top of it.  Utter humiliation.  I mean if you are lucky, the pooping starts first and your butt is already over the toilet bowl when you have to start having it spew out of you at both ends.  That is easy to rectify if you have a trash can nearby.  But let’s imagine the other scenario.  There you are, praying to the Porcelain God when you realize it is going to come out the wrong end.  Oh dear, What do you do?  Do you see if you can quickly whip your pants down and get your ass over the toilet or do you just decide to humiliate yourself and fill your pants with liquid?  This is a terrifying possibility and hopefully you are not in public when schemesis hits you.  I mean, what do you do then?  This might be my worst nightmare.  I have no idea what I would even do in tif this happened in public except hope that I could get out of the public bathroom with my dignity intact.  It is a game of chance I tell you.  And one you will not win.  Either way, you lose and usually by that time, you do not care because you feel as if you are expelling a demon.  I have been here and let’s say a shower was needed afterwards and I just threw those pants away.  I could not make the transition quick enough so it was just badness all around.  Shemesis can make the best of us feel like we are helpless and disgusting at the same time.

If you have a spouse when you have shemesis, you might discover the depth of their love for you.  Are they willing to clean you up or help you in the shower if you are unlucky enough to have your butt over the floor? Will they help you dispose of the evidence of shemesis or will they stare at you in abject horror with a mask and gloves on and run the other way?  Shemesis is a true test of love.  Your spouse might be smiling sympathetically at you but screaming in horror internally.  Sometimes nurses do this.  For reals.  Sometimes we appear calm and collected while internally we are screaming in horror at what we have to deal with because our jobs are gross.  Plain and simple.  Or we come up with a word to accurately describe the horror we have witnessed to help us laugh at 6:30 am.

screaming dean

There are just two words to describe that shift.  Bleach wipes.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did coin a new phrase that is unnervingly accurate in my job but I didn’t die (I also didn’t have to take the patient thank goodness).  I am Fat Girl who has unfortunately experienced shemesis and the humiliating after effects Running.  The experiment continues…