Rez Adventures Part One: When GPS Fails You

Have you ever gone on an adventure? BFF and her parentals and I recently went on one and it was quite the experience.  We had every intention of going out to a local attraction and somehow ended up an hour out of our way on a dirt road in the middle of the Navajo reservation all thanks to Google Maps.  What we did discover, however, is that the four of us can make a good time out of even getting lost.

It all started out with BFF’s Momma wanting to go see Grand Falls, a natural waterfall system located out on the Navajo reservation.  It only flows with snow melt and is actually higher than Niagara Falls.  Since none of us had ever been out there and we heard it was flowing rather heavily, we decided to take the trip and go see it.  Instead of asking for directions or looking it up, BFF put it into Google Maps and we headed out early in the morning.  I mean, Google Maps has never steered us wrong before.  Back before there was GPS, we did get lost trying to get to Disneyland and ended up in Compton.  Luckily, Bubby was able to decipher the tiny map I had printed off the computer and get us to where we wanted to be.  GPS always re-routes you if you turn wrong so I felt pretty confident about using it to get out to Grand Falls.  I was so wrong.

Now Grand Falls is only 30 miles outside of town so it shouldn’t have taken us too long to get there.  We followed Janice (that is what we call the voice on Google Maps) and ended up on a dirt road, which wasn’t too surprising.  Since it was a weekend and the falls were so full, I thought we would see a lot more people driving on the same dirt road as us.  Nope.  Totally alone.  On a dirt road.  In the middle of no where with no signs.  An hour and a half later, we were still on various unmarked dirt roads and hoping that somehow, they led to the falls.  I kept thinking that what if we broke down or what if an axe murderer came out of the landscape to kill us all.  Seriously, the reservation is pretty desolate.  Janice kept directing us on all these unmarked dirt roads and I was thoroughly convinced that we were going to end up stranded with only 2 mini bottles of water and a couple of breakfast bars between us.  We might have to resort to cannibalism to survive.  Who would we eat first?  This is a serious question to ask yourself when traveling with a group of people.  Do you not think of this?  No?  Just me then?  Ok…well I did wonder which one of the four of us we would eat first if we were stranded and needed to survive.  Totally normal way of thinking when you are lost on the reservation if you ask me.  Don’t judge.

Eventually, the road turned and we could see the canyon and the falls so we pulled up and got out.  Upon doing that and looking around, I realized something.  We were on the wrong side of the falls.  The official lookout and parking was on the other side.  How the heck we ended up on that side was beyond me.  None of us could figure out how we ended up on the that side.  Where did we make the wrong turn?  We followed GPS.  We listened to Janice.  She let us down.  We risked our lives and almost ate one another to get here and we are on the wrong side?  Sigh.  Well at least we had a good laugh, a great time and ended up with epic pictures.  No, really, they are quite epic and not because of the falls.  Because of BFF’s bang.  Her bang could not compete with the winds around the falls and I couldn’t see because of the sun, so I had no idea what was happening until we looked t the pictures later.  Epic I tell you.  See for yourself.

Grand Falls.  Can you see the real lookout over there?  Yeah…we aren’t there.
The wind was really strong….
It just keeps getting better….the bang
The family that adventures together.  I just can’t even with that bang.  It’s too good.

Upon leaving, we ran into others who Janice had led astray and ended up on the wrong side.  Stupid GPS.  Turns out that we went about an hour out of our way and we still have no idea how to get to the right side of the falls.  Or how we got out of there without eating one another.  GPS fail.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did, however, consider which one of us I would eat first if we got stranded on the reservation but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with epic pictures of BFF’s bang on a reservation adventure Running.  The experiment continues…


Family Road Trip

This summer, my Seester and BIL came for a visit and we planned on doing some fun things, including a road trip up to Monument Valley.  It is only a short 3 hour drive from here, yet I had never been there.  Both Bubby and BIL are really into photography and are amazing so they wanted to go to get some good pictures.  The girls in the family?  Well, we were just along for the ride.  And the company.  The group of us had never taken a road trip together so I had a feeling it would be a crazy trip.  I was not wrong.  Ever wonder what my family is like crammed into a van at 5 am?  Well, you are about to find out.  Buckle up.  This is MY family we are talking about.

We collectively decided to get up at the butt crack of dawn because we knew that Monument Valley would be upwards of 90-100 degrees by afternoon. Plus we needed to get the minivan we rented back by 6pm. So at 5:30 am, there we were….all of us sleepily climbing into the van with pillows and snacks. We had to have snacks. Any road trip requires them. For reals. Since I was on Wilder Way, I packed healthy snacks like fruit, nuts, popcorn and yogurt. The rest of us? Lots of junk food for sure. We might have been ensconced in powdered sugar and sprinkles as we pulled out of town.  

The van ride was pretty quiet for awhile as us girls slept a bit and the boys chatted up front. Once we all were more awake, the topic of conversation that only my family could have began: what exactly constituted weird butt stuff. I cannot make this stuff up. This is my family. You see a couple of nights earlier, we had game night and of course we played Cards Against Humanity and that was the card we decided to talk about. I have no idea how it came up, but soon a full on discussion of what was weird versus normal (is there such a thing?) sexual butt stuff was occurring. What constitutes “weird” in this topic? I mean isnt the whole topic weird and why are we discussing it? And not just for a few minutes either but for quite awhile. Who does that? Who has a discussion for like an hour on weird butt stuff?  My family. I don’t even think we ever came to a conclusion on this topic but I am sure we will revisit it. Because my family is weird and curious like that.

We arrived at Monument Valley and we’re blown away by the beauty and majesty of it all. The drive through it involves a long dirt road but it is so worth it. Take a look for your self.



Aren’t we so cute?
As we drove through, we kept running into this same car who we soon called the Douchecanoe Car. This guy would pull over randomly on this narrow dirt road to take pictures from his car instead of pulling into the designated areas created for people to do this. He also would pass us on this as we obviously were going to slow for him even though you needed to do so. This guy was a real peach. As we went to go back up to the visitors center to eat fry bread, who should be stuck on that dirt road going up the hill? Douchecanoe Car of course. He was spinning his wheels of his sports car (Not the wisest choice in vehicles for this trip btw) causing a line of cars to sit at the bottom because nobody wanted to be behind Mr Douchecanoe. We decided that maybe someone needed to do scary butt stuff to him.  Seriously. He was stopping us from our fry bread lunch. He needed to be destroyed. Ugh. Some people. We finally got up and ate fry bread no thanks to that guy. 

I shall leave you with one last picture that acurrately describes my family in three words: weird butt stuff.

Yes. This was in public. Yes. Other people not our family were around.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today. I did take a family road trip full of odd conversation and discover some beauty near me but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl whose family discusses weird butt stuff Running. The experiment continues…

A New Show At the Next Stoplight…You Are Welcome

BFF and I, in general, usually do not pay attention to what other people think about us and our craziness.  I mean….we are who we are and we tend to have a generally good time when we are together that includes lots of laughter.  So, if we do this around others, consider yourselves lucky.  You are welcome.  When we are in a car, we really have a lot of fun because it usually involves singing at the top of our lungs and jamming out to good music.  My god daughters can attest to this as they have been in many a car ride where BFF and I get down to the music blaring from the speakers.  And I do mean blaring…I don’t listen to music softly.  BFF used to complain about my music level in my car till recently when I got in her car and it was just as loud and we giggled that she was taking lessons from me.  When we were in Phoenix for Little Red’s big day, this was no exception.

We were in my car, driving to the church to do our thing as Little Red’s Godmothers and were talking about something or another when one of our favorite new songs came on…Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars.  What a great song.  You just can’t be in a bad mood with that song.  And unless you have been living under a rock, you know how catchy and dance worthy that song really is (video is down below for your enjoyment).  So, there we were at a stoplight when it cam e on my Zune and BFF turns it up even louder so that I am sure it could be heard for blocks away.  We like to share.  And then it began…RANDOM DANCE PARTY!!!!!  BFF and I are known for shouting this in certain situations (like a ride line at DL or an elevator) and dancing to our heart’s content.  Try it sometime…it will make you laugh, smile and feel good.  So we begin Random Car Dance Partying to heart’s content.  And I mean full on car dancing.  That car was rocking and rolling I tell you.  There was singing, hair tossing, butt wiggling and synchronized arm movements.  No car dancing is complete without synchronized arm movements.  We really are pros at this.  It is a skill I want to put on my resume:  Car Dancing Skill Level:  Expert.  I think this could really help me someday in the workplace.  I mean who wouldn’t want to hire someone with expert level car dancing skills.  I know I would.  The light was long so we enjoyed ourselves for almost the full song and continued car dancing as we turned onto the next street on our way to the church.

Suddenly, I hear honking and see out of the corner of my eye, a truck with some landscaper dudes in it frantically waving at me.  Thinking maybe there is something wrong with my car, I roll down my window to see what they want, the music now spilling out for their enjoyment.  BFF and I look at each other quizzically and then at the truck full of guys as they start cheering, clapping and giving us thumbs up.  We glance at each other and BFF shrugs, not quite knowing what it is they want.  Suddenly, as they hold up a piece of paper with a “10” written on it, it hits us…they must have been behind us at the light and witnessed our epic car dancing show.  We bust out laughing and I yell at them “New show at the next stoplight!”  BFF yells “Any requests?” as the hoots and hollers get louder and suddenly I have a feeling that they might make it rain dollar bills on us at the next stoplight if they could.  They continue clapping as we take little bows and blush a tad bit having been caught in epic car dancing but hey….we need to keep up our skills.  I mean…you are welcome guys in the landcaping truck.  Glad we could make your day more enjoyable with a random dance party.

Take a lesson from BFF and I…turn up your music and have an epic car dance or do a Random Dance Party to the elevator music, the music in the grocery store or the music in your head.  Go right now, turn on Uptown Funk and do it.  You won’t regret it.  You might even get some hoots, claps and some strange landscapers making it rain dollar bills on you while you do….although that last part is a little scary and I might have been afraid for our lives if the landscaper dudes had followed us all the way to the church.  Don’t turn into to SOTL creepers landscaping dudes.  Applauding is ok…creeping is not.  And you are still welcome.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did hone my car dancing skills to the expert level and wonder if the landscaper dudes would turn creeper but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a BFF who likes to Random Dance Party and apparently we put on a good show at stoplights Running.  The experiment continues…

Fat Girl Fatastic Food Adventures: Austin

FOOD.  Because we all like to eat, especially this Fat Girl…sometimes a little too much.  Since I love to eat, I have decided to try something new and give you a food adventure.  Nope, this one is NOT healthy but sometimes vacations are not.  So, I would love to hear your feedback on this post and if you want more in the future!  The first fatastic (no that is not a spelling error..just say it out loud. Fat…tastic.  Get it?  Pretty sure it is a hashtag that should be used all the time #Fatastic!) adventure we shall take together is the one I recently went to in Austin, Texas.  And boy howdy did my Seester, CallieBear and I eat while we were there.  I take food seriously my friends so I don’t mess around and my Seester has inherited this family trait so we always find good places to stuff food in our gobs.  So let’s talk about Austin and the food trucks.

Austin is a quirky city but truly it has the best food trucks.  I guess they are a thing there because they were everywhere and a lot of them in permanent locations.  And by permanent, I mean, they never leave there and some of them are attached to foundations or have their tires flattened.  I have never seen so many in a few block radius as I did there.  It was like a Fat Girl dream come true…a foodapalooza if you will.  If you have never taken a chance at a food truck, you really are missing out.  First of all, they usually offer things you will never find in a brick and mortar location and it will be amazing.  The food trucks we stumbled upon were quite by accident.  We needed dessert (who doesn’t) so we googled dessert places near our hotel and found a chocolate themed place that we decided to give a shot called Holy Cacao located in a cute little place called The South Austin Trailer Park & Eatery.  We were super excited to see it was all food trucks and immediately perused the menu.  We all decided on something called a cake shake.  Ok…picture this…take a slice of your favorite cake and a scoop of ice cream in a blender and turn it on.  Why have I never thought of this before?  A thick delicious shake filled with cake and ice cream flavors came and we about had orgasms in our mouths over these.  For real.  They were that delicious.  I couldn’t even finish mine because it was so rich…which is a shame.  Maybe I should invent a pie shake…because pie.  Always pie.

Food trucks galore!  We came here twice!
Food trucks galore! We came here twice!
Get in my mouth already!  Why didn't I think of this?
Get in my mouth already! Why didn’t I think of this?

While we were enjoying our orgasmic cake shakes, we discovered a taco stand that was next to it that was hopping.  We decided if it was that busy, it must be good.  So we came back the next night to eat at Torchy’s Tacos because any mexican food served out of a food truck is something that is scrumdilicious.  We all ordered different things and then shared because we don’t care if we share spit when it comes to food.  I mean, it is food and we are all friends (or family) and again it is food.  The tacos were divine and we ate so much we needed to be rolled back to the car.  I mean…fried avocado taco?  Salmon taco?  Barbacoa tacos?  This place had everything every type of Fat Girl could want including mexican street corn.  I channeled my inner Mexican here and about did a salsa in my seat while I was eating.

Channel your inner Mexican here...I did
Channel your inner Mexican here…I did.  You can see me and CallieBear on the left trying to decide what to shove in our gobs.
Roll us back to the car!
Roll us back to the car!

The next morning, having not had enough food trucks, we decided to hit one last one we had heard about at the hotel called Gourdough’s Donuts…because donuts.  Um…hello.  You had me at donut.  Who cares what kind. Oh but these donuts….holy deep fried donut heaven…best things I have had in oh I don’t know…FOREVER!  I only wish they had them here because I would eat them every day.  And watch my waistline expand…I might then become a gordough because they are so huge and so delicious that I cannot even begin to tell you.  My mouth is watering right now just thinking about the ooey gooey fried bit of heaven that they are and how they need to be in my belly.  We ordered three different ones so we could share (of course) and were handed these fresh fried delights topped with things like strawberries/whipped cream, cinnamon sugar/honey butter and last but not least cinnamon roll sugar/cream cheese icing.  I am not joking when I say the sounds that occurred in my Seester’s car while we were eating could only be described as Fat Girl Piggie sounds of eating joy.  I even decided it would be a good idea to drop some on my shirt so I could suck on it the whole car ride home and be in donut heaven.  Don’t judge.  Pretty sure I might have consumed my entire week’s worth of calories in one donut, but I didn’t care.  I also might have taken an hour nap in the car afterwards because I was in a sugar coma.

So excited for donuts!
So excited for donuts!
Oh yes...this went in my mouth
Oh yes…this went in my mouth

I shoved so much food in my gob in a few days that I am surprised I could fit into the airplane seat on the way home and didn’t need a separate ticket for the donut alone.  But, it was so worth it.  A Fat Girl’s gotta eat, right?  Or in my case…shove food into my gob and make happy pig sounds while I was eating.  Yeah.  That happened.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did take you on the first Fatastic Food Adventure but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl making happy pig sounds as I eat and doing a salsa in my chair Running.  The experiment continues…

Road Trip With BFF in Which I Learn My Vagina is NOT a Wine Bottle

I love a good road trip with BFF…she is a fun passenger to have and quite entertaining as I am sure you can imagine.  The two of us can keep each other entertained for hours on end.  We have now driven twice to Disneyland and had a blast each time.  It seems that at some point in any road trip, the drive can get a little monotonous.  For us, this is the part of the drive in the Mojave desert from Needles to Barstow, CA.  Seriously, that must be the armpit of America.  Not only is this part of the drive boring, but there are literally NO places to go potty.  No rape stops…uh…I mean rest stops at all in between.  Herein lies the problem I encountered this time on our way to DL.

Last time when we drove through the Mojave, it was at night so the drive was not as boring because we could not see how boring it is I think.  Plus, we stopped in Needles to gas up and that helped right before we hit the armpit portion of the drive.  We won’t talk about the scary gas station restroom we used there and how we might have been afraid we might get murdered since it was like 10 pm and the door was broken.  If the guys working hadn’t been so nice, I might have been afraid they were gonna tie us up and take us to their hideout in the foothills of the desert where we would have starred in our personal horror movie of some sorts.  We vowed to never use that Murder station as a potty break again.  This time, we gassed up in Kingman, so we didn’t need to stop for gas in Needles.  Of course, this means we didn’t stop to potty either, maybe out of fear that we would not remember and hit the same Murder station or what, but we just kept going.  Of course, we had a cooler full of water and Gatorade and sodas which I decided was a great idea to down several of these on the way into the armpit portion of the drive.  No worries…Barstow can’t be that far, right?  WRONG.

Ever notice how when you REALLY have to pee that there is never a place to go and it occupies your entire mind?  A few miles can seem like torture.  I started feeling like I had to pee and of course trued to will it away seeing as how we were in the middle of the desert.  For those of you not aware, there are no bushes or trees to hide you on the side of the road when you drive through the desert.  There is nothing.  Literally.  I tried everything to ignore how bad I had to go.  I changed positions, moved the seatbelt, sang some songs, and attempted to not think about how full my bladder was getting every second.  I mean, there was no way I wanted to pee on the side of the road.  It was like a scene out of The Hills Have Eyes out there and I could see myself getting dragged away still peeing the entire time so the only way for someone to find me before I got turned into a dinner was a stream of pee that would dry up in the sun anyways.  I was doomed.  I needed to find a rape stop at this point.  For reals.  It was starting to get so desperate that I was looking ahead on the horizon for any signs of a gas station or an exit, thinking it couldn’t be that far.  I was squirming in my seat when BFF announces she also has to pee.  Dang it.  We should have stopped.  BFF states hers isn’t dire but I tell her mine is and she notices how visibly uncomfortable I am.  Then my kidneys started to hurt and I knew with my history that I had to stop…and soon….like NOW.  I told BFF I would have to stop and soon so she started looking as well.

Finally, I decided I could not wait any more.  I turned to BFF and said “Eff this.  I am pulling off and using the side of the road.”  BFF looked at me incredulously probably thinking that there was no way I could pull this off with no cover and that I might get dragged off to my doom into the desert as well.  I quickly scanned the horizon for another option and seeing nothing but desert and highway, I made my decision and seeing a widened area, I pulled off and grabbed some tissues.  I could see BFF still trying to figure out how this was gonna work when I opened the back door and waving at her through her window, I grabbed the handle of her door and yelled “Don’t look!”  to which of course she turned and yelled back “Well, now all I can do is look!”  Blocked by the back door to oncoming traffic, I dropped trow and proceeded to feel that sweet release as I made sure I didn’t pee on my shoes or pants due to al the rocks.  A wide stance is quite recommended in this situation in case you didn’t know.  Guys have it so easy.  They don’t have to worry about their pants or their shoes or flash their bare white ass to the oncoming semi truck drivers, thereby blinding them with its brightness and causing a traffic accident.  I swear I peed for like ten minutes and really felt like I only topped off my bladder enough to get me to the next rape stop to properly use a bathroom.

Climbing back in the car, BFF explains to me she is amazed I did that as she could never pee on the side of the road without peeing on herself.  Then this conversation happened as I drove off in search of a proper toilet:

Me:  “Pretty sure I didn’t even pee all that is in there cuz I still have to go.”

BFF:  “You peed for like ten minutes I swear.  I thought you had been dragged off into the desert and I was gonna die in the car.”

Me:  “It was like I pulled the cork on my bladder and it kept coming.”

BFF who looks at me quietly for a minute:  “Did you seriously just compare your vagina to a wine bottle?  Your vagina is not a wine bottle.  You cannot uncork it.”

Insert hysterical laughter and maybe some pee in our panties here.  I love her.  Best road companion on the planet.  You know you wanna take a road trip with us.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that we should probably make a pee stop BEFORE we hit the armpit portion of our drive but I didn’t die.  I am the Fat Girl who learned her vagina is NOT a wine bottle Running.  The experiment continues….