How I Became The Star of an Avant Garde Adult Film or How Not to Be Rude in the Theater


Just this last week, BFF and I traveled down to Satan’s Armpit AKA Phoenix to go see the So You Think You can Dance tour show. For those not familiar with the TV show, it is a competition dance show and the top 10 contestants go n tour every year to showcase some of the dances done on the show. We have gone for several years and we were excited to see some amazing dancing and have a good time.  What we were not expecting was to encounter some unbelievably rude people in the theater.  And I do not man just inconsiderate people. I am talking abut down right rudest people we have probably ever encountered in a theater.  I mean I thought at one point I was the star of some weird avant garde adult film as a result.  So let’s talk about how not to be so rude.

First off, don’t be obnoxiously drunk.  We all know theaters now serve adult concessions and BFF and I even grabbed us a good old whiskey and diet coke for the show.  If you do decide to imbibe at a show, please stop before you become the gals a couple rows in front of us that were so loud, obviously drunk, and stood up to perform their own version of the routine.  Nobody wants to see that.  They luckily were escorted out by staff before someone fell and got hurt, but it should have not gone that far.  This was not a rock concert.  This was a dance performance.  No need to get that intoxicated that you get thrown out of the theater.  Nice waste of your over $100 tickets.

Secondly, know how your phone works if you are going to take photos or film.  The gal in front of us obviously did not know how hers worked.  Every time she turned on her camera, her light went on as well. And not just once.  Nope.  EVERY time.  Then, she would act surprised the light was on which was blinding those in front of her, probably the dancers on stage and annoying the crap of those of us behind her.  She must have done this five times before the intermission.  During intermission, she gave her phone to her husband who also could not figure out how to turn the light off or the flash for that matter.  So guess what she did?  She KEPT TRYING during the show.  How about you just enjoy the show and not try and film the whole thing?  UGH.  There is a special place in hell for people like this.

But the worst offender?  The absolute worst was the guy sitting next to me.  Now let me preface this by saying I had no issue with him during the show.  What happened afterwards was the single most rudest thing I have ever had happen.  The show ends and what do you do after you finish clapping?  You gather your things and wait for people to start filing out of the long rows.  Now, mind you, we were in the middle of the row so we knew it would take a bit.  I stood up and started to grab our stuff and put on my leather jacket when I heard an “Excuse me” from behind me.  I turned slightly and there is this guy and his wife trying to get past me.  Um. Where do you think you are going to go?  There is a line of people gathering their things and attempting to leave at the same time as you Buddy.  He then pushed on my arm and said it again.  At this point, I turned around and politely told him it would be a few moment as the row was just starting to empty.  Was this good enough?  Apparently not.  As I bent over to pick up my purse, this asshole behind me, grabbed my arm and pushed me into my seat, blazing his way past me, He even shoved his wife behind me so I could not even stand up.  At this point, I am stunned and bent over the seat with my booty in the air like I am making some sort of weird avant garde adult film, when I hear BFF say “Excuse me!” as he attempted to push past her as well.  She luckily stepped slightly back in her astonishment so he did not push her into her seat as well.  I am still there with my ass in the air as I hear BFF start to go full out angry girl Mexican on him.  I was half expecting her to hand me her shoes and earrings as she loudly starts to shame him.

“Ooooh. So glad you could push right past us to get right in front of me. Why are you in such a rush?”  Her voice got louder and louder as he continued to try and push past the gal in front of her.  “Where do you think you are going?  Think you can just push women around? Nobody else is going anywhere Buddy!”

I was struggling to get my ass out of the air to help her and all I could say was “Yeah!” as I stood up.  I am so helpful to BFF in a confrontation.  Finally upright, I witnessed his shoving continue as he shoved the gal in front of BFF causing her to drop the entire contents of her purse on the floor.  We watched, astonished, BFF continuing to yell at him, as he shoved his way out of the row and out the door.  I mean, who does that?  As BFF turned to make sure I was okay and not starring in some weird avant garde adult film, she noted that if he had gone the other way in the row, he would have gotten out faster and how it was actually closer to the exit.  I still am stunned that anyone would be so rude as to shove their way through the row to get out instead of just waiting your turn.  Did he have to pee that badly?  Was he hoping to beat the traffic in the parking garage?  Hint:  then buy your tickets at the end of the row, not the middle.  Did he think the zombie apocalypse was starting?  Was he trying to escape before we all got eaten?  Do I need to start planning our escape route?  Did he release the virus?  Whatever his thought process, it does not excuse his behavior.  Do not be like this guy. Unless you are really trying to make some sort of avant garde adult film in which people are ass in the air over theater seats.  Then at least have me sign a release and give me some Skittles for my performance.  Geez.

So next time you go to a theater, make sure you are not like the people we encountered at this show.  Do not be rude.  Be polite and enjoy the show.  Unless the zombie apocalypse has truly started.  Then it is every person for themselves in the theater.  For real.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did experience some extremely rude people at a dance show but I didn’t die.  I am the Fat Girl who does not want to be the star of an avant garde adult film or rude in the theater Running.  The experiment continues…

Damn The Man. Save The Empire. Quit Shaming Girls.


Warning.  This might be a bit of a rant but I really cannot help it.  This is a subject that might make you uncomfortable or it might right piss you off like it did me.  Remember how I discussed getting your period for the first time awhile ago?  Well, I was recently discussing this with my book peeps when I was told the most disturbing news ever.  Several of them told me horror stories about their daughters getting their periods at school but NOT being allowed to go to the bathroom to clean up or change.  EXCUSE ME?  The fact that I heard this from several of them and not just one blew me away.  What is our society coming to that girls are not allowed to go to the bathroom to clean themselves up?  Let me give my two cents on this subject.

If you are someone who does not understand why I am so upset about this, then let me try to explain this to you.  First off, these are young junior high and high school girls I am talking about.  Their self esteems can be damaged by the slightest tease or comment from anyone, but especially boys.  Now imagine you are a girl about 12-13 and you have just begun to get your periods for the first time.  This means they are highly irregular and unpredictable.  You have no idea when Mother Nature is going to pull some type of cruel joke and let forth the Stream of Motherhood into your pants.  There you are, minding your own business in class, when you feel a gush.  You know you didn’t just pee your pants and your anxiety starts to rise.  You panic as you start to wonder several things:  Can  you make it to the bathroom in time to apply some sort of dam to the flood that is occurring?  Will it soak through to your pants and is it too late?  Do you have anything you can discreetly shove in your underwear while at your desk?  And of course you don’t have a jacket to tie around your waist as you stand up to hide the fact that your outfit now is accessorized by a blotch of red that stretches from the front of your pelvis to your ass crack.  Like someone dipped a paint brush in bright red paint and covered your private area with it.  THAT is what if feels and looks like my friends.  Now imagine raising your hand to ask to go to the bathroom, prepared to let everyone see the crime scene that is starting to make patterns on the chair you are sitting on, and being denied the request.  You must sit there in your own bodily fluid soaked clothes and then be told you also can not go change your clothes after class, so you must now wear the Badge of Womanhood for all to see.  And I mean everyone. You must now parade around for the rest of your day looking like you took part in a serial killer’s rampage.  How would that make you feel?  Because I guarantee you, that it is DEVASTATING to a young teen girl.  Hell, it is devastating to me and I am in my 40’s.

My question is why?  Why won’t teachers allow girls to go to the bathroom?  And before you say they are males, I must tell you they ARE NOT.  These were female teachers that did this to these girls.  I can understand if you have chronic bathroom user, but these girls are also not that and even if they were, they should still be allowed to go shove a wad of cotton up their crotch to stop the rage of Mother Nature before it becomes a dire emergency.  These girls came home, ashamed of their bodies, crying over the fact that they got teased for a natural process that is a taboo subject anyways (don’t get me started there), their fragile self esteems damaged in a way that cannot be undone.  Now they have to fear their periods even more.  They will stress about this happening again, trying to figure out how to prevent it instead of paying attention in class.  It will consume them come the next month when their period is about to start.  It will make them want to hide their bodies, something they are already awkward about, and make them ashamed to be a girl.  Girls should absolutely be allowed to go to the bathroom to clean up the murder scene in their pants and change their clothes, even if it is into their gym shorts for the rest of the day which is basically announcing to the junior high world that your period started anyways, without the visual aide.  One of the mothers told me she now hides a change of clothes and supplies in the bottom of her daughter’s backpack, covered to make it look like the bottom of the bag, so that her daughter has what she needs when she her period starts.  HIDES them.  Did you read that?  Is this what we have come to in our children’s schools that you have to hide supplies and a change of clothes for your daughter because she has a heavy period? Another one of my friends told me that her daughter’s best friend, a guy, tied his jacket around her to help her in covering up because he felt so bad.  This is unacceptable.  Why are we punishing girls for starting their periods?

blog meme

Can we change this culture in our schools?  I mean, I don’t expect every school to celebrate a girl’s time of the month with a party, streamers and gifts of a Diva Cup, but I do feel we need to have a conversation with our girls.  We need to empower our girls about their bodies.  We need to encourage them to stand up for what is right and maybe make people feel a little uncomfortable.  I am not saying that they should wear their Red Badge of Courage proudly…unless they want to…but they should be able to say that they need to use the bathroom because they are bleeding from their vagina.  Or some sort of words like that.  Girls should not be demoralized because they bleed every month.  They should not feel shame.  They should not dread being teased.  Stand up for your fellow girls.  Do not allow bullying to occur…and to me these teachers are doing just that.  They are creating a culture of bullying.  Even if we have to create a secret signal, like raising three fingers in the air Hunger Games style to say that a girl needs to go to the bathroom because of her period, then let us do that.  Change this culture surrounding having your period.

Sorry for my rage.  My rage against the stigma of bleeding from your lady parts and not being able to go to the bathroom.  My rage against being made to sit in a puddle of your own blood and feel it run down your legs as you stand up, your shoes soon squishy with the pool in them.  This is what I rage against.  Rage against the shaming of our young girls.  Rage against the machine.  Rage against the man.  Damn the man.  Save the Empire. Quit shaming girls.

damn the man

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however get extremely angry about this culture of shaming girls about their periods, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl damning the man and saving the empire Running.  The experiment continues…