The Time I Thought I Was In a Secret Porn Video


You might be surprised at this information, but I see a massage therapist.  Yup.  This Fat Girl gets naked every week to get her rolls massaged and all the stress worked out. It really does make a difference in my mood and my migraines.  If you have never tried one, you really should.  I have been seeing my massage therapist for over ten years and she knows my body well and where are my areas of stress.  Just once have I cheated on her by seeing another therapist while on vacation.  And that one time convinced me I was currently starring in a secret porn video.

Sometimes, when you are on vacation, you just want to really relax.  That is what I had in mind when I booked a massage, even though I was weirded out by someone other than my regular massage therapist putting their hands on my fat rolls.  I mean, she has done my massages forever so I am super used to the way she does them.  And plus, she knows my knots and areas of tension.  But, I really wanted to relax so I thought I would give this whole spa thing a try on my vacation.  Everyone always raves about how awesome it is to do a spa thing.  I wonder if they ever had my experience.  I was at least comforted by the fact that my massage therapist was a woman (although to be honest it really does not matter to me).  I started out with a sea salt scrub and that was quite messy.  Would have been nice if they had told me to put my hair up while they were doing it as I felt a little like it got everywhere.  But my skin did feel amazing afeter the scrub.  So soft.  I was anticipating the massage to be just as relaxing.   I was told to shower the scrub off and get back on the table.  This is where the massage started to feel a bit like a secret porn video.

After I situtuated myself back on the table, the massage started.  The massage therapist opened up the oil bottle and proceeded to pour what felt like the entire bottle on my back.  No joke.  I have never felt so oily in my entire life.  I could feel the oil filling in all the fat roll spaces, creating little puddles where I didn’t think oil could pool.  I was so greasy that when she started to massage me I could only feel her hands sliding all along the rolls.  I was actually scared her hands might slip into places that no massage therapist should enter because I was that slippery.  As she moved on, she proceeded to pour more oil on me, like another full bottles worth.  On just my arm.  I am not kidding.  It was right about then that I started to wonder if the porn music was gonna start and the bright lights were going to go on as someone shouted “Action!”.  There was so much oil on me you could have deep fried me.  I waited for the massage therapist to remove her robe and be dressed in some scantily clad unders or something else quite bizarre.  Maybe this was a fetish porn video.  I mean I am a big girl, so that could be it.  Like a hidden camera fetish porn.  Is there such a thing?  It was either that or I was being prepped for some girl on girl oil wrestling match that I was unaware of.  As the massage continued, more and more oil was slopped on me and I was starting to feel it flow down into places it shouldnt.  That is when I really wondered if the secret porn video was going to start.  Any minute now.  I wanted to look up and see but was afraid that oil would spill into my eyes and blind me.  It really was a problem.  I didn’t want to be blinded by oil but I also didn’t want to be part of some Fat Girl fetish porn video without my knowledge. I mean, at least warn a girl so she can make sure her girly bits are properly shaved.

I finally was told to turn over and gratefully snuck a peek around the room.  Nope.  No cameras or sudden wrestling ring.  Whew.  I was hoping she would use some of the leftover oil puddles that had rolled onto my front, but no such luck.  I swear she opened another bottle of oil and lubed me up even more.  I couldn’t even relax because I kept expecting the porn music to start and hear all sort of weird sex noises as I was being massaged.  I was never so grateful for a massage to be over in my entire life.  Totally not relaxing.  Not when you kept wondering when you would hear the cameras rolling.  I was so greasy that the towels couldn’t even soak it all up and my hair looked like it had been drenched in oil.  I mean if I wanted to do a porn shoot or have the slicked back look to my hair, I was killing it.  I even felt like my body squished as I walked as all the oil had no other place to go because my skin was saturated.  I quickly slid back to my room and took what felt like the longest hottest shower to get all the oil off and I still didn’t succeed.  I actually checked in my room to make sure there weren’t any cameras set up to continue filming the secret porn video that I felt like I starred in.  Thank goodness there weren’t any.  So spa experience while on vacation is obviously not my thing.  Nope.

I vowed never again to cheat on my massage therapist.  Not worth it.  Not unless I suddenly wanted to change careers and become a fetish porn actress.  Hmmmm.  I mean I could make a good living.  But maybe in another life…. (Note to self:  clear browser history on how to become a fetish porn actress).

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did cheat on my massage therapist and regret it once but I didn’t die today.  I am Fat Girl who thought she was secretly in a porn video instead of a massage Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

 

 

Random Blog Topic: Finding Your Parent’s Porn Stash


Have you ever thought about what would happen if you died?  Like what would happen afterwards?  Not with you per say but with all your stuff.   Somebody in your family is going to have to go through your stuff. And by this, I mean all your stuff.  They will find all your deep dark secrets.  Everything you have hidden away from the world.  Now, think about who that might be.  If you are a parent, chances are it will probably be one of your kids.  Imagine your kids going through your closet, your clothes, and all of a sudden they open one drawer or bedside table or box under the bed and what do they find?  To their horror or amusement they have now discovered your porn stash complete with sex toys. Yup. Now we are all adults here, so I see nothing wrong with porn and sex toys.  I know most everybody has them nowadays and nothing wrong with that.   Unfortunately, this random blog topic was brought to you today by my friends, who had this wonderful experience just recently after her Dad died.  So let’s talk about this topic a bit and how maybe we can avoid it.

Like I said, I see nothing wrong with porn or sex toys or anything like this.  This is not what I am discussing.  I am talking about somebody finding your stash that you didn’t intend to find it.  This could cause a little bit of trauma.  I hear stories all the time about children finding their parents sex toys and coming out with them at inappropriate moments.  In fact, one of my friends recently told me about her daughter coming out of her room asking her if she wanted to have a Light Saber fight.  My friend, not looking up, said sure she would but that they didn’t have any Light Sabers to use.  Her daughter said she found a pink light saber and it lit up and turned and everything.  My friends looked up and to her horror, there was her daughter with her vibrator, turned on and brandishing it like a Light Saber.  Wow.  What do you even say to your child at that point?  How do you handle that?  At least it wasn’t in front of other people that is for sure.  Thank goodness her daughter was young enough to probably not remember this incident and need therapy for it.  My friend on the other hand is a different story.  I would need some wine at least.

I can’t even imagine having a small child finding your stash nor can I imagine finding one of my parent’s stash of porn and sex toys.  I am pretty sure that if this happened to me, I would need a whole box of wine, let alone some therapy to get through that.  It would be horrifying and amusing at the same time.  Also it might have a slight icky factor to it.  About like when you walk in on your parents having sex.  Gross.  Or even hear them having sex.  What is worse to you?  At least the sounds I can drown out but the visual effects of seeing your parents having sex will last a lifetime.  A lifetime of horrifying nightmarish visions that will come when you least expect it.  Not that I have had this experience and if I have, I am not sharing.  So gross.  Now, picture going through your parents stuff because they have died and finding their stash.  You open the box or drawer and find all their dirty little secrets.  What do you do?  Do you scream?  Do you close the drawer or box right away?  Do you stare at it horrified not being able to move?  I am not sure what my reaction would be but I bet it would be one of those.  And I would also be traumatized for life.  On one hand, at least your parents had  healthy sex life and maybe  to your horror you will discover they were into dungeon midget porn.  That would be awful.  I wouldn’t even know what to do.  It would for sure end up in the trash but the fact that I found it would still haunt me forever.

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Your kids faces when they find your porn/sex toy stash after you die.  No joke.

I think I have a solution to this problem.  Designate someone to come over to your house after you die to get rid of the evidence before people start to go through it all.  Someone you trust  Someone who wouldn’t care what kind of freaky dungeon midget porn and S&M stuff you had been into before you died.  Someone who won’t judge you after you die.  It’s that simple.  That one person should come and get your stash and ditch it, preferably not in your own trash, and they should also clear your internet browsing history just in case you were browsing dungeon midget porn as well before you died.  It is so simple.  Just make a deal with someone.  I am making this deal with my Bubby cuz I know he won’t care if he finds any kind of freaky porn collection.  Not that I have one.  I mean, I might but I am not telling.  So just figure out who that person is and make a deal with them.. Don’t traumatize your children by leaving it for them to find.  Or at least put a good bottle of liquor in the drawer or box so that if they do find it, they can just get drunk to try to erase the memory.  I am so sorry to my friend who recently had to go through this traumatizing event.  So designate someone today!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did get a little freaked out by the thought of discovering one of my parent’s porn/sex toy stash but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl glad my Bubby will be the one to destroy my stash Running.  The experiment continues…