Mean Girls On Aisle 2

There is this elusive animal at work.  It is one that always seems to be within my grasp but then sneaks away when I wasn’t looking.  I keep looking and hoping it will call my name to come and grab it, but lately (actually since Jan) it has not.  It is called standby.  For those of you not in the medical field, standby is when your patient census is down and you have too many nurses scheduled.  So, you are placed on standby for your shift meaning that you can get called in at any point but it also means you are possibly granted an extra night off.  I keep trying to get it, but the standby Gods just do not want to let me have it.  Either I am the only charge nurse on or there are too many patients.  So much for our normal slow summer.  When I got a message tonight offering me standby, I about squeed like a fan girl about to meet Wil Wheaton.  Yes, thank you, I will take this glorious elusive thing.  Once I finished doing the Fat Girl dance of joy (which might have looked like Chris Farley dancing), I had to decide what to do with an extra night off.  Sleeping is out of the question as I slept all day.  BFF is working so hanging out with her is also out. Hmmmm.  What to do.  Then it hit me!  Grocery shop.  Yup.  I am THAT exciting.

Grocery shopping when you are a Fat Girl can be both a nightmare and a secret joy.  I mean, I love food, so shopping for food can be a lot of fun. It’s like putting a drug addict in front of rows upon rows of their favorite drug and allowing them to have all they want.  That is what food is like to a Fat Girl, except you can’t live without food.  I have sometimes gone into the grocery store, drooling, the concoctions I can make running through my head.  And lets just say I am a really good cook, hence why I am fat.  So to go grocery shopping is quite fun and exciting for me.  Then I remembered that I am on a quest to not be fat.  Damn.  That means skipping over certain things in the store. Like chips, cookies, ice cream, candy (is Skittles a candy or just a food group?) and the baking aisle in general.  All those things that made me fat to begin with.  Ever notice when you are shopping as a Fat Girl, that sometimes you get those judgemental looks from people as they glance in your cart?  Like they expect to see that jumbo box of Twinkies in there but not the 2 liter of Diet Coke.  What?  Don’t you wash your sugar down with fake sugar?  Or they see all your junk food and I can see that they are thinking “No wonder you are fat.”  However, when you are a Fat Girl shopping on a diet, you STILL get those looks.  I literally saw and heard two little skinny bitches in the store look at all my healthy choices and snicker to themselves.  Really?  How is making healthy choices funny to them?  I could hear them making snide little comments about how my diet food was not gonna help and I should just reach for a bag of chocolate.  I finally turned around and said “Yeah.  I’m fat and on a diet.  What’s so funny about that?  At least I can change the fact that I am fat.  You, however, cannot change the fact that you are ugly girls on the inside.  And when your alcohol laden junk food filled STD catching years catch up with you and you gain 90 lbs, I call that Fat Girl Karma.  Because it WILL happen.  So take your skinny little asses away from me before I punch you in the vagina and give everyone else around here something to laugh at. ”  I turned around and kept walking to the applause of other shoppers, leaving the mean skinny girls to pick their jaws off the floor and quickly leave the store.  I mean, was there a reason for that except for they are mean girls?  Nope.  And this Fat Girl does not put up with mean girls.  I eat them for a snack.  Covered in caramel and dipped in chocolate thank you very much.  I hate mean girls.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however manage to maybe stay home for an extra night and avoid a vagina punching rampage on aisle 2.  I am fat girl who doesn’t take any sass from any skinny girls but instead spits them out cuz they taste bitter running.  The experiment continues….