How I Almost Became a Yeti Snack


Recently, BFF and I did a thing. We went to Florida and Walt Disney World for the first time! Well, technically, it was not my first time as I had been as a small child, but I do not really remember any of it. So, when I got invited to be a part of the Shameless book signing, we decided to make a vacation and spend a week out in Florida playing as only the two of us could play at all the parks. By all, I really do mean all. Go home or go big, right? We really had no idea what to expect having never been there before and had no idea that people plan their fast passes out in advance. We just decided to go with the flow and grab whatever fast passes for rides that we could on the day we were in the parks. BFF and I are pretty laid back and really just wanted to experience the parks. Little did I know, one of the rides would be one of the most terrifying and thrilling rides I have ever been on.

We decided to hit Animal Kingdom as a half day as I had the book signing to get to that night. WOW. We totally underestimated how amazing Animal Kingdom truly is. Next time, we have decided to spend a full day there as it exceeded our expectations. I was in awe over all there was to see and do. Once we were in the park, we were able to grab a fast pass for a ride called Expedition Everest. We had no idea what the ride was or what was going to happen when we rode it. We decided to walk towards it and see what it was. As we approached, we saw what looked to like the Matterhorn and we were excited to see that Expedition Everest was a roller coaster as we both love coasters. I was a little apprehensive as I do not like the unknown but I was also excited.

The scene as we walked up to what would soon be the source of terror and panic

As we got in line to ride the ride, I convinced myself that this was some sort of take on the Matterhorn at Disneyland so there must be a Yeti. Oh the Yeti. I have a love hate relationship with that Yeti. I love the story and the atmosphere of the Matterhorn, but I truly hate how terrified the Yeti makes me feel. No really terror is how that Yeti makes me feel. It is dumb, I know. But all his growling and the darkness and the fast jerky movements of the Matterhorn makes the little girl in me terrified. I would even close my eyes as we approached where I knew the old school Yeti to be stationed before the ride was refurbished.  Now with the new scarier upgraded Yeti, it is even worse.  I have no idea why the Yeti terrifies me so much but it really does.  And we will not even talk about how much riding the Matterhorn at night makes me panic but I do it anyways.  So my panic over the unknown of Expedition Everest was now rising with the thought of the Yeti being in the ride as well. It was a panic mixed with excitement of the coaster and I was anxious to ride it and see what it was like.

We climbed into our train car and I could already tell my anxiety was rising. The story in the ride line definitely told the story of the Yeti so I was hoping he would not be in the ride scaring me. But something told me he would be. Damn. We climbed in and I got ready. As the ride took off into a huge hill, my panic and fear also included not knowing what was going to happen and I started my nervous giggling that BFF finds hilarious. She knew I was nervous and just told me it would be okay, patting my hand like I was a small child. Then the ride took off down the hill and I was left screaming and laughing as I saw the signs of the Yeti flashing by me at high speeds. Oh no.  I was right.  Then, all of a sudden, the ride stopped. I mean a dead stop.  At the top of the mountain, the track in front of us was all mangled.  It was obvious the Yeti was to blame for the destruction. Having the ride at a complete stop made my panic rise even higher. I turned to BFF and this conversation happened:

Me (in a panic filled voice which might have been an octave higher): “Is this normal? Is the ride supposed to stop? Why is the track mangled? What is happening? Am I going to die? Is the Yeti going to eat me?”

BFF: “Why are you asking me? I have never ridden this either!”

Stranger in front of us turns around all excited: “OH YEAH! This is totally normal! We are about to plunge backward into total darkness as the Yeti chases us!”

Me (now totally terrified and my eyes popping out of my head): “WHAAAAAAAAT?”

BFF to total stranger: “Um, thanks for absolutely terrifying my best friend. So glad you didn’t say anything before we got on!”

And then I was plunged to my doom backwards in the dark without any warning with the growling Yeti chasing us and I am sure all BFF could hear was my total screams of terror. The ride stopped again in a few seconds. In a cave. A Yeti cave. WTF. This was the worst ride in the history of rides. What is going to happen? Is the Yeti going to come up out of this cave and take me into his lair to be his next snack? Why Disney why? First the almost gassing when I met Thor and now I was to be devoured by the Yeti in some cave in Animal Kingdom? Disney why you got to be like this? Luckily I did not have time to do anything but leave my screams of panic and terror in the cave as the ride quickly continued. Thank goodness I was not to be a Yeti snack. This time.

As the ride came to an end, BFF turned to me with her smile of glee and saw the fear, panic and tears on my face (which in reality were from the speed of the coaster and not my sheer terror of the Yeti) and she immediately was like “OH NO! Are you okay?” Shakily as the adrenaline of the ride surged through my veins, I replied “That was fun! And so scary! I hate the Yeti! I thought I was going to be eaten!” and I meant it. I really did enjoy it, terror and all. The total stranger that had been in front of us was laughing as she climbed out of the car, probably at my screams throughout most of the ride as BFF again thanked her for not telling me about the ride in advance. I walked out of the ride, my limbs feeling like jello from the adrenaline and fear, my heart racing, and I actually was clutching my chest as BFF and I discussed how fun the ride was even though I secretly thought the Yeti might still be behind me waiting to eat me. I might have sneaked a look behind me when BFF wasn’t looking just to be sure. Damn Yeti.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did almost have a panic attack on a ride at Animal Kingdom because of the Yeti but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who was almost a Yeti snack Running. The experiment continues…

How I Became The Star of an Avant Garde Adult Film or How Not to Be Rude in the Theater


Just this last week, BFF and I traveled down to Satan’s Armpit AKA Phoenix to go see the So You Think You can Dance tour show. For those not familiar with the TV show, it is a competition dance show and the top 10 contestants go n tour every year to showcase some of the dances done on the show. We have gone for several years and we were excited to see some amazing dancing and have a good time.  What we were not expecting was to encounter some unbelievably rude people in the theater.  And I do not man just inconsiderate people. I am talking abut down right rudest people we have probably ever encountered in a theater.  I mean I thought at one point I was the star of some weird avant garde adult film as a result.  So let’s talk about how not to be so rude.

First off, don’t be obnoxiously drunk.  We all know theaters now serve adult concessions and BFF and I even grabbed us a good old whiskey and diet coke for the show.  If you do decide to imbibe at a show, please stop before you become the gals a couple rows in front of us that were so loud, obviously drunk, and stood up to perform their own version of the routine.  Nobody wants to see that.  They luckily were escorted out by staff before someone fell and got hurt, but it should have not gone that far.  This was not a rock concert.  This was a dance performance.  No need to get that intoxicated that you get thrown out of the theater.  Nice waste of your over $100 tickets.

Secondly, know how your phone works if you are going to take photos or film.  The gal in front of us obviously did not know how hers worked.  Every time she turned on her camera, her light went on as well. And not just once.  Nope.  EVERY time.  Then, she would act surprised the light was on which was blinding those in front of her, probably the dancers on stage and annoying the crap of those of us behind her.  She must have done this five times before the intermission.  During intermission, she gave her phone to her husband who also could not figure out how to turn the light off or the flash for that matter.  So guess what she did?  She KEPT TRYING during the show.  How about you just enjoy the show and not try and film the whole thing?  UGH.  There is a special place in hell for people like this.

But the worst offender?  The absolute worst was the guy sitting next to me.  Now let me preface this by saying I had no issue with him during the show.  What happened afterwards was the single most rudest thing I have ever had happen.  The show ends and what do you do after you finish clapping?  You gather your things and wait for people to start filing out of the long rows.  Now, mind you, we were in the middle of the row so we knew it would take a bit.  I stood up and started to grab our stuff and put on my leather jacket when I heard an “Excuse me” from behind me.  I turned slightly and there is this guy and his wife trying to get past me.  Um. Where do you think you are going to go?  There is a line of people gathering their things and attempting to leave at the same time as you Buddy.  He then pushed on my arm and said it again.  At this point, I turned around and politely told him it would be a few moment as the row was just starting to empty.  Was this good enough?  Apparently not.  As I bent over to pick up my purse, this asshole behind me, grabbed my arm and pushed me into my seat, blazing his way past me, He even shoved his wife behind me so I could not even stand up.  At this point, I am stunned and bent over the seat with my booty in the air like I am making some sort of weird avant garde adult film, when I hear BFF say “Excuse me!” as he attempted to push past her as well.  She luckily stepped slightly back in her astonishment so he did not push her into her seat as well.  I am still there with my ass in the air as I hear BFF start to go full out angry girl Mexican on him.  I was half expecting her to hand me her shoes and earrings as she loudly starts to shame him.

“Ooooh. So glad you could push right past us to get right in front of me. Why are you in such a rush?”  Her voice got louder and louder as he continued to try and push past the gal in front of her.  “Where do you think you are going?  Think you can just push women around? Nobody else is going anywhere Buddy!”

I was struggling to get my ass out of the air to help her and all I could say was “Yeah!” as I stood up.  I am so helpful to BFF in a confrontation.  Finally upright, I witnessed his shoving continue as he shoved the gal in front of BFF causing her to drop the entire contents of her purse on the floor.  We watched, astonished, BFF continuing to yell at him, as he shoved his way out of the row and out the door.  I mean, who does that?  As BFF turned to make sure I was okay and not starring in some weird avant garde adult film, she noted that if he had gone the other way in the row, he would have gotten out faster and how it was actually closer to the exit.  I still am stunned that anyone would be so rude as to shove their way through the row to get out instead of just waiting your turn.  Did he have to pee that badly?  Was he hoping to beat the traffic in the parking garage?  Hint:  then buy your tickets at the end of the row, not the middle.  Did he think the zombie apocalypse was starting?  Was he trying to escape before we all got eaten?  Do I need to start planning our escape route?  Did he release the virus?  Whatever his thought process, it does not excuse his behavior.  Do not be like this guy. Unless you are really trying to make some sort of avant garde adult film in which people are ass in the air over theater seats.  Then at least have me sign a release and give me some Skittles for my performance.  Geez.

So next time you go to a theater, make sure you are not like the people we encountered at this show.  Do not be rude.  Be polite and enjoy the show.  Unless the zombie apocalypse has truly started.  Then it is every person for themselves in the theater.  For real.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did experience some extremely rude people at a dance show but I didn’t die.  I am the Fat Girl who does not want to be the star of an avant garde adult film or rude in the theater Running.  The experiment continues…

In Which I Learn BFF Has Limits to Saving Me or How I Almost Gained Lame Superhero Powers


You know how people state things like “I would do anything for you” but then you learn those limits of the things they absolutely will NOT do? I learned BFF has a limit on our last trip to Disneyland. Don’t get me wrong, she would absolutely do anything if my life was threatened but there was one thing she will not do apparently and it involves giant June bugs.

We had decided to ride Guardians of the Galaxy because the wait was less than 30 minutes. We were in the outside portion of the line and trying to go from one shady spot to another as it was slightly warm, discussing what we were going to eat next as it was almost lunch time and let’s face it, we both like to eat. I happened to see and hear the giant June bug first flying around. Ew. I personally hate June bugs. If you have never seen them, they are not that pretty except for the emerald green color. They also have a tendency to hang on tight to anything they grab on to. Trust me, I once lip locked with a June bug when I was a camp counselor in Iowa and it has scarred me for life. But that is another story.

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Nobody wants to lip lock with this thing. Just saying.

So there we are, minding our own business when I see and hear the giant June bug flying around out of the corner of my eye. Knowing how creepy these things are, I kept a side eye on it as I didn’t want it any where near me. It landed a little bit behind BFF, who was blissfully unaware of said huge bug. Let’s get something straight. This bug was VERY large. No really. Probably the size of 50 cent piece. Now you can see why I was keeping an eye on it. I did not want a repeat of the lip locking situation that had emotionally scarred me when I was 19. Imagine getting a large bug stuck on your lip and see how you feel about them. The guys behind us were also watching the bug, commenting on how HUGE it was so I was not alone in thinking that maybe this was a mutant June bug. Could it have come from a nuclear reactor? Was it a government experiment? Maybe it was part of the Marvel Universe, I mean we were in line for Guardians of the Galaxy. Could it have superpowers? Would it make me have some sort of June Bug attributes if it lip locked with me like in Spider-Man? Either way, I did not want to come close enough to the mutant June big to find out. And that is when it happened.

I heard the mutant June bug take flight and in the moment I saw it, it came straight toward me. It was something out of my nightmares. In my fear of being lip locked, I turned and ducked my head, emitting a squeal as BFF realized I was in mortal danger of becoming some sort of superhuman June bug. She also made some sort of fluttering movement with her hands in an attempt to disrupt the bug’s flight path toward me to no avail. I HEARD it come straight for my ear and then I did not hear it anymore. Terrified and not seeing said Nuclear reactor June bug, I spun around to BFF and asked the question: “Is it on me?” The look on her face said it all as she said “EEEEEP. Yes.” I attempted not to scream as I implored her to get it off me. This is where I learned her limits. BFF looked at me in pure horror and said “NOPE. Sorry I cannot help you.” as she turned away in her own terror. BFF was just as terrified as I was at the giant June bug now fully ensconced in my hair.

Now convinced I am stuck with this June bug that will certain burrow into my skull, fear begins to take over as I being to try and find it to remove it from my hair. It is STUCK fast to my hair and headband. Finding it attached so firmly begins a swirl of panic in which I begin to flail my arms and squeal for help. BFF is of no use, refusing to save me from the fate of becoming something out of the Marvel Universe and instead beginning to panic herself. I feel my doom is sealed to have some sort of unknown super powers when the two guys behind me jump to my rescue. Quickly, they stop my flailing arms and hands and reach up to remove the mutant June bug, as I emit whimpers of fear and BFF does some sort of interpretive dance in circles chanting “Get it. Get it” as if this will somehow release it magically. Even though the giant bug has latched on firmly to my headband and hair, the guy manage to release it, and not knowing what to do with it, since we are in a crowded line, they throw it to the ground and squash it so that it cannot release it’s mutant powers on anyone else. I stop myself from throwing them into their arms with relief and almost sobbing but instead turn to BFF and say

“You didn’t save me What kind of best friend are you?”

She looks at me, eyes wide: “Did you see how HUGE that bug was? NOPE. Big hard pass.”

Me, still incredulous that she didn’t help save me from the mutant bug: :You said you would do anything for me. Obviously not.”

BFF: “Nope. Not when it involves a mutant bug. You are on your own. Love you. Mean it.”

The guys behind us who saved my life and my brain from being burrowed into are now laughing hysterically as BFF thanks them for saving her best friend’s life. If it were not for the kindness of two strangers, I would probably be starting my life of crime fighting as some weird emerald green Superhero with some lame ass power like lip locking with complete strangers. Lame.

The guys who saved me! Thank you for removing the mutant June bug from my brain.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did have a giant mutant June bug try to burrow it’s way into my skull and had to rely on the kindness of strangers to save me from certain doom but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl with a BFF who will not save me from getting lame superpowers if it involves a giant mutant June bug Running. The experiment continues…

When life feels like Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree


There are days I struggle. Struggle so hard with depression and anxiety that my life feels like I am on Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree spinning round and round but without all the laughing. Days where getting out of bed is a struggle. Where putting my thoughts and words on paper seems impossible. Days where I don’t feel like being funny or cheerful. Where just breathing seems like it is all I can do. Sometimes I just want the ride to make me happy and sometimes I just want to get off.

Lately, the days filled with anxiety seem to be getting more and more frequent which to me is odd or maybe I just didn’t notice them before. Maybe I was content to be quiet and by myself and didn’t seek out situations that forced me to be uncomfortable. My job both as a writer and as a nurse make me step outside that world and learn to be more interactive with people. And let me tell you, it is hard. But you know what? It’s ok. It is ok to feel uneasy and anxious. Meeting people at book signings is so hard. I don’t ever want to let people down because I am awkward and weird and laugh too loud and say inappropriate things like a 12 year old boy. Trust me, you can as my co-workers how many times I have said “That’s what she said” in a meeting. I am the worst.

I was recently told I was intimidating and I laughed. Me? Intimidating? I am the biggest softie around. But then I stopped to think about my RBF and my standoffish attitude sometimes. I could see maybe how that could be misinterpreted as intimidating when in reality, it was me being anxious or unsure of myself. It made me pause and think about how I want to live my life.

There is a sweet spot in my life when I wake up to face my day and the weight of the world has not come crashing down on me. Where it is quiet and I can think about mundane things like what to wear or if I need to pee. It is in that time that I think about how my day will go. Will I let anxiety run me? It is just like the time right before you step on the ride and decide if the ride is going to scare you or be fun.

Let’s decide to make it fun.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I decided to enjoy my spinning out of control life and just live. I am the Fat Girl Running and I LOVE Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree. The experiment continues…

Stop the Ride. I Want to Get Off


It is a normal day.  Nothing exciting.  I can feel my heart starting to race.  My breath quickens.  The feeling of dread comes over me.  My chest feels tight.  I start to bounce my leg to alleviate that feeling of wanting to flee.  This is all too familiar and comes on without warning.  I know exactly what is happening and I cannot stop it.  It will control me even if I don’t want it to.  Hello anxiety my old friend.  Thank you for showing up unannounced and bringing your friend panic attack with it.  Anxiety and panic attacks are no stranger to me, unfortunately, but what happened this time around was different.  This time around, I suffered from severe vertigo.  Someone stop the ride.  I want to get off.

I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks since I was a teenager so when I feel that anxiety starting, I just try to use my breathing techniques or a quick walk outside to calm myself down.  But the vertigo?  Where did that come from?  The first time I got it, it was sudden and violent.  I stood up from bed and my whole world spun so quickly that I had to grab the wall to not fall down.  It was terrifying and I was immediately sure I was either having a stroke or I had a tumor.  There could be no other answers.  Also, would the paramedics come in and find me naked on my floor?  All I could think was please let this stop so I could at least not be naked. The vertigo left as soon as it came and I was dumbfounded.  When it happened again the next day at work, I thought maybe it was an inner ear thing.  But when it kept happening? For almost 2 weeks?  That is when I went to the doctor.  Only to be told to go to the ear doctor because of course, there was nothing wrong that my primary doctor could find.  That must mean a tumor.  I was partially convinced I was going to be told I had months to live when I went to the ear doctor.  After a round of some testing, I was told the one thing I was not expecting.  The vertigo was stress and anxiety related. Excuse me?  Wait.  That could not be it.  I left thinking the doctor was full of it.  It had to be a tumor.  There is no way this is stress or anxiety induced.  I was frustrated.  The vertigo disappeared and I was left wondering if it was all in my head.

Then this past weekend, I was sitting at home minding my own business when I started getting texts about work.  The room started spinning.  What the heck?  I was totally fine all day till I started feeling anxious.  I sat there and realized I did not have a tumor.  I had anxiety induced vertigo.  Ugh.  So that is a fun new level to my anxiety.  I thought about what the ear doctor said about lowering my stress and I want to laugh.  Not possible right now but thanks.  So now to monitor these symptoms and see how to handle them. Anxiety and I are old friends and it can show itself in weird ways.  I know I am not alone.

I write about stress and anxiety and panic today because I want you to know if you suffer, you are not alone.  Most of us do not talk about it and we should.  We should tell people how we feel.  We should reach out when we are not ok and get the help we need.  It is ok to tell someone you are sad, depressed, stressed or anxious.  I went through a period in my life that the anxiety was so bad, it cause me to not want to leave the house and going to any social situation was so painful I just could not.  I would throw up before going to work because I had to leave my house. But I would plaster on a smile and nobody knew I was suffering with such debilitating anxiety.  I should have said something.  I should have reached out.  But along with the anxiety came some crippling depression and I felt like I shouldn’t tell anyone.  I want all of you out there to understand something.  IT IS OK TO FEEL LIKE THIS.  This was a hard blog to write, but I am always honest with you and if this can help someone else realize it is ok, then that is the purpose.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I almost had to be found naked by paramedics and thought I was having a stroke or a tumor but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with anxiety induced vertigo Running and I am not alone.  The experiment continues…

The Fat Girl Running Version 2.0


I started a new chapter in my life this month.  It was hard and exciting but I did it.  I joined the world of self publishing and the result of all my tears, hours on the computer and a million questions to #soulmate comes out on July 12.  We all know I have been missing from the publishing world for about 6 months and I actually have not been blogging as much (which is going to change as well).  It was hard to figure out what to do after my publisher died and they closed the doors abruptly, leaving all of us authors with no way to continue.  But, I did it.  I self published a better version of Book 1.  I feel a little like the way a book must feel if you crack its spine (you monsters who do that).  A little broken and a little relieved.  I never knew as a writer/blogger that it could be so painful at times, but it really is.  And this whole self publishing thing?  Kind of scary and I feel like half the time I have no idea what in the heck I am doing to be honest. But what came out of this process is a new and improved version of me.  The Fat Girl Running version 2.0 I guess you could say. Let’s talk about how I came to be this new version.

You see, after my publisher Boss Bean died, I was stuck.  Stuck without a way to get books, my files or even the rights to my cover art.  So I was at the beginning.  I actually had to cancel book signings because I was unable to get any copies of my books and I was so very frustrated.  I was determined to not pull out of Book Bonanza though.  For those of you unaware, Book Bonanza is one of the BIGGEST signings around and I was actually invited to be an attending author.  Me.  Little old me.  Six months of no contact from the publishing company and I decided enough was enough and looked for my files myself.  I am glad I was able to find all my files for books 1-4 on my computer.  There was a pint where I couldn’t find Book 1 and I was entertaining the thought of retyping out the entre thing from a hard copy I managed to have.  That made me cry for sure.  No really.  Ask #soulmate.  I cried.  Then I found the file and I cried with relief.  Files being found, I could proceed.

First of all, I needed an editor.  All of this stuff my publisher did for me before so I had no idea what it all entailed.  Luckily, I had an editor recommended to me that was willing to take me on.  That was the hard part.  You see, most of my author friends are romance authors and we all know I am far from that.  Before I could send the books off to an editor, I needed to go through them all and revise things, self edit, take out chapters and add new content.  That alone made me want to pull my hair out.  You see, part of me cringed over some of my older writing.  It just sounded like a four-year old came in and wrote down some gibberish.  I mean, how did you all actually stand to read it?  Wait.  Are you all just real life stalkers?  Because that would be cool.  Unless you are SOTL Man.  Then that would not be cool.  It would be slightly terrifying.  But I digress.

Once I got the books sent to an editor, I needed to also line up a formatter and a cover designer.  Seriously, I cannot thank my author friends enough for all their help in this direction either.  Oh yeah.  I also had to figure out what to do for my cover.  I wanted to cry and be angry at the same time.  Have we ever talked about what an indecisive person I really am? I finally decided to do something completely out of my comfort zone and put myself on the cover.  It made me want to throw up in my mouth a little, but I called a local photographer and decided to do a photo shoot.

Can we discuss how awkward that was?  I mean I am as awkward as it comes and then put me in front of a camera?  Oh my heck.  I cannot even imagine some of the photos she must have gotten.  There were definitely some gems for sure.  There had to be knowing me.  My photographer was a genius.  She made me do things I thought was stupid.  In fact, the one pose I thought was going to look so dumb is actually the cover.  Huh. Guess she knew what she was doing. We both were laughing a lot during the shoot and I think that helped me relax and be myself a little more than I would have otherwise.  The pictures were all so cute that it was hard for my cover designer to actually pick just one.  But we managed and all of a sudden, I was excited.  Excited to try this whole self publishing thing because my new covers are the cutest.  And a little sassy.

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The new cover?  It is everything you guys. 

Book edited?  Check.  Cover concept?  Check.  Cover designed?  Check.  Formatted?  Check.  Next step?  Actually get it set up to publish both in paperback form and e-book in time for Book Bonanza on July 19. Ack. Biggest signing of my life and I didn’t have books for it. But with the help of #soulmate, I got it all set up and approved by the all mighty Amazon.  Paperbacks of Book 1 AND 2 are actually sitting in my kitchen in boxes right now.  Because the lucky people who come see me at Book Bonanza get a sneak peek of Book 2 and a chance to get it early (that one comes out in August).  Now for those of you familiar with my books, these are revamped editions of the old ones with new content, formatting, editing and the like.  I mean I would get them just for the covers alone.  So, if you want, the pre-order is already live and the book goes live on July 12.  In case you need it, here is the link:  Climbing Off the Couch

I still might cry on Thursday because this is the first time I am doing this all on my own and boy do I miss Boss Bean.  But I know she would approve and love the direction I am going this time.  And once again, my books will be available for you guys.  In fact, they are better versions of the old ones.  It really was a little bit what I can only imagine giving birth is like, except without the gross bodily fluids.  Because let’s be honest.  People coming out of other people is gross.  Lots of sweat, tears and love went into this new version of my books and I really hope that maybe a few of you pick them up and stalk me.  Let’s just hope SOTL Man doesn’t blow up my cover into a poster to hang in his house.  Creeper.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today.  I did, however, venture into self publishing and have a book releasing this week, but I didn’t die.  I am the Fat Girl Running version 2.0 and I hope you love it as much as I do.  The experiment continues…

Expelling a Demon Can Be Painful


This week I expelled a demon.  No really.  I mean I am pretty sure that is what happened.  It for sure felt that way and might not have been a real demon.  But you don’t know.  Don’t judge me for thinking that I had a demon living inside me after what happened.  It really could have been.  I have watched enough Supernatural to know that expelling a demon can be quite a messy business. But, what I didn’t know was how painful it can be.

It started out with me waking up and feeling rotten.  I mean super rotten.  My stomach hurt and I was trying to sleep for work, but the pain would not stop.  I laid in bed, wondering what the heck was wrong.  I do have some trouble with my gut in general, but this felt out of the norm, even for me.  Then the abdominal cramps and nausea hit me.  Ugh.  The worst.  Let me clue you in on something.  There are two things I hate the most.  Sore throats and nausea.  Sore throats…what the heck are those and why.  Why does your throat have to sometimes feel like you ae swallowing razor blades every time you swallow?  Never mind trying to drink or eat, or even sometimes talk.  There is no need for that.  It’s not like you can sit there and not swallow your own saliva at all.  I mean, I guess you could and wear a bib and just let it all drool out onto yourself, but that might be frowned upon in public.  Or you could pretend you are a loose mental patient and just wander around drooling and making noises since you can’t talk due to the razor blades that are in your throat.  Totally doable.  As you can tell, I really do not have a very good tolerance to a sore throat and even less for nausea.  I can deal with abdominal cramping because I would much rather poop up a storm than vomit.  Vomiting is the worst.  So there I was, trying to figure out what the heck I ate and then realizing I hadn’t eaten anything since like 4pm the day before.  That was 16 hours prior to all of this starting.  There is no way this is food poisoning.  Food poisoning, for those who do not know, has about a three-hour window where you get sick.  I was trying to figure out if this was an ulcer attack when I had to jump up and run for the restroom.  Luckily, it didn’t start out as vomiting, if you catch my drift.  I thought to myself  “while this is not pleasant and feels like fire water coming out of my butthole, I can handle this.  This is ok. I can pee fire water out of my butt.”  I seriously would so much rather have fiery water coming out of me with cramping, then hugging the toilet bowl and vomit.  I could take something to stop it and still work.  All right I got this.

I got back in bed and took something to help with the cramping and such and fell back asleep for about an hour.  Then, the obvious creature dwelling inside me decided to stir.  Holy crap.  It was that moment when you can’t decide what is going to be worse, waiting for the nausea to pass or just vomit.  I decided to try to wait it out and took another form of medication called Zofran to help.  20 minutes later, everything took a horrible awful turn.  I ended up running for the toilet, grabbing a hair clip to pull back my hair and just in time getting my necklace off.  If you have long hair, you get it.  Nothing worse than your hair ending up in the toilet bowl while you are dying.  As I knelt there on my bathroom floor emptying my stomach contents in a violent fashion, the wort decision of my life happened.  Can I stop vomiting long enough to get my butt on the toilet? Nope.  Totally did not happen.  It was like that scene in the movie Bridesmaids where the bride with uncontrollable diarrhea says “It’s happening.  I am shitting in the street.”  So that happened.  Worst thing ever to have absolutely no control over what is coming out of either end of your body at the same time.  Humiliating.  This went on for hours. I didn’t even fell like I could leave the bathroom. Work was out of the question.  In fact, I decided to lay on my bathroom floor, sans chonies, because why bother at that point if it was going to come out both ends at the same time. I pulled a towel down to lay on and wondered what the heck I did to deserve this.  Then it hit me.  This is a demon.  I am expelling a demon.  Has to be it.  There is no other explanation.  Totally what it is. Has to be.  A demon.  Yup.

Now, you have to realize, at this point I am delirious with pain, dehydration and have taken even more anti nausea medication to try to stop all of this without any success.  It really does have to be a demon.  I looked around trying to see if maybe my Bubby or BFF had snuck into my bathroom or bedroom and drawn a Devil’s trap there to help me out.  Because maybe I didn’t realize I was possessed by a demon and they did.  Maybe the Winchester brothers were going to come any moment now and there I am, laying on my bathroom floor with no panties on, covered in a sheen of sweat, smelling like death I am sure.  Oh that would be so unfortunate.  No one needs to see that, least of all Dean Winchester **swoon**.  That would be so my luck.  Fat Girl humiliation at it’s finest.  I wondered if I even had enough energy to go grab some salt to swallow to try to expel the demon even faster, but opted to just go to bed instead.

12 hours later.  No.  Really.  12 hours this lasted, the expelling of the demon that was in me.  Finally, it left.  Exiting me, leaving my soul intact (or at least I hope so), but without the big plume of black smoke they always show on Supernatural, to find another body to invade.  I woke the next morning and went to get out of bed and realized there was a lasting effect to throwing yourself on the floor and hugging the toilet bowel for so long when you are older.  My back was out.  Are you freaking kidding me?  This had never happened before.  The fiery pain of the diarrhea had now been replaced by shooting pains into my ass in the form of sciatica flare up.  I hated this demon.  My ass was on fire in such a worst way and I could barely stand without pain.  Awesome.  So glad this was now my life.  Stupid demon.  Stupid getting old.  Is this now what is going to happen to me every time I have to vomit violently for hours?  My back is going to go out?  What did I do to deserve this?  Great. So now, after expelling the demon that was living inside me, I ahve back pain.  Thank goodness for pain medication, a tens unit, lidocaine patches and a visit with my massage therapist in a few days.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  Oh my goodness, I felt like I was going to die for 12 hours but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who actually threw my back out violently expelling a demon and wondering if the Winchester brothers were going to witness my humiliation Running.  The experiment continues…