On Being Evacuated of How I Learned That Seester Did Not Know Who Her Grandparents Were


I don’t know if you heard, but California is on fire.  No really.  There are currently several fires being fought over there and some of the video looks like the next apocalypse.  I know that fire fighters from here in Arizona have been sent to help fight and people I know are being evacuated.  It is a scary situation.  I know because I have been there.  Many years ago, there was a fire by my house and my Seester and I had to be evacuated.  It taught me many things, like what was important, but also that my Seester had no idea who her Grandparents were.

My Seester was visiting me for the weekend when we heard there was a fire nearby that had been started by a tire blowing out on the freeway.  You see, I live in the world’s largest Ponderosa Pine tree forest and every summer fire is a true problem.  The forest service is even known to shut down the forests around here to hiking, biking and camping if fire danger is too high.  Seester and I wondered how close the fire actually was and decided to go outside and see.  As we walked outside, I noticed that it looked like it was snowing outside, which was weird since it was June.  Well, not too weird since I have known it to snow in June here as well (Yes, it snows in Arizona. I live at 7000 ft, remember).  Seester and I looked at each other and shrugged.  We then heard the sound of a chopper and saw it fly overhead with a giant bladder full of water.  Huh.  This fire must have been going either awhile or it was moving fast.  Then my Seester gasped, grabbed my arm, and pointed to the trees behind our neighborhood.  Flames.  Giant flames.  We could actually see the flames above the trees.  Then I put two and two together.  That wasn’t snow.  It was ash.  So, what do Seester and I do?  We take out our phones and take pictures.  Yup.  This is us, dear readers, with a fire so close it is raining ash and we can see flames and Seester and I decide to take photos.  As we are taking photos, I happened to look down the street and notice something.  My neighbors are all loading up their cars with their belongings.  Huh.  Oh crap!  Maybe we should do that!  Seester and I agree that we should go grab stuff and start loading up both our cars.  Because obviously we needed to do that.  So we ran inside to try to determine what stuff needed to come with us.  Where we were going to go was not even a thought.  Just getting out was.

Now, if ever you are put into this situation, remember this.  Some stuff is just that….stuff.  It can be replaced.  I immediately packed a bag of clothes and Seester gathered up her stuff.  Of course, pets are a first priority and at that time, I had a sweet Heeler dog named Princess Fatty and all of her stuff was gathered up (Shhhh…this was before Ninja’s time with me).  After that initial gathering, it was time to decide what else needed to be put in the cars.  The CPU from the computer was a no brainer as was all the important papers for the house.  But what else to pack?  The one thing I wanted that cannot be replaced were family photos.  Seester and I gathered up all my photo albums and placed them in boxes.  As we took them out to the car, we noticed everything was covered in a red film.  Slurry.  My house and driveway had been coated by a fire-retardant and now smoke was filling the area.  Holy crap.  The fire was closer than I thought.  It was then that we were approached by a police officer.  He quickly asked if we were ready to leave and then told us we had 10 minutes to gather anything that we wanted and to evacuate the neighborhood.  I noticed my elderly neighbors being helped out by an ambulance and was grateful they had a way out.  Quickly, Seester and I ran back into the house to gather the photos off the walls and shelves.

Seester was busy pulling photos off the walls and I the shelves, when she turned to me and we had this conversation

Seester (pointing to old family photos on the wall):  “So do you want these old pictures of these babies and people we don’t know?”

Me (a little confused):  “Um…yes!  I mean do you think I just put up photos of people I don’t know on my walls?  Those are family photos.  Don’t you know who they are?”

Seester:  “I mean, I don’t question your decorating taste.  I just thought you had some fascination with old photos you found at an antique store or something.  Who the hell are these people?”

Me (laughing):  “Your Grandparents.  They are your Grandparents. Not random photos I just put up but our Mommy’s parents.  Please take them off the wall so they don’t burn up.”

Seester:  “Well good thing I didn’t say these were creepy old photos of people I though you had randomly put up.  That would have been bad.”

In her defense, our Mommy’s parents both died before she was ever even thought of so that is probably why she didn’t recognize the photos (or at least that is what I am telling myself).  By the way, ten minutes goes by super fast and soon the police officer was back, banging on my door, telling us to leave NOW.  We ran out to our cars, Princess Fatty in tow and watched him put a big X on my door.  It all seemed so surreal as we drove out of the neighborhood and I wondered if my house would still be standing soon.  Luckily for me, the fire was contained and the neighborhood was spared.  We were able to return in the morning and the creepy old photos put back on the wall as I explained who everyone was to Seester.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however get evacuated and have to explain wh the people in the family photos were to Seester, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who apparently takes photos amongst the falling ash and nearby flames when there is a forest fire Running.  The experiment continues…

How To Have Fun With A Head Injury


I know I told you all about my Mommy falling and getting hurt because that is when I discovered she had a potty mouth.  But what I didn’t tell you is that she also had a really good concussion from the fall.  Now if you have never dealt with anyone with a head injury, it can be a little frustrating.  You see, head injuries repeat themselves quite a bit.  They can’t help it and they are not aware they are doing it.  It is part of the injury to the brain.  I always tell the parents of my patients that this is normal and it will pass but as the daughter of the patient, it was hard.  I didn’t realize how hard it was being a family member of someone with a head injury.  I didn’t want to get frustrated with my Mommy because it wasn’t her fault she couldn’t remember.  To make it easier, I decided to have some fun.

After she fell, my Mommy was in the ICU and I got down there the next morning after her accident (there had been a wicked snowstorm the day before and the freeways had closed so I wa unable to get there sooner).  She luckily knew who I was (not always the case) and who BFF was so that was good.  I knew I would need to be down there for a bit, so I proceeded to move in to my Mommy’s apartment and stay with her during the day.  The first day or two were rough as Mommy asked about every 15-30 minutes what had happened.  It went something like this”

Mommy:  “Where am I?  What happened to me?”

Me:  “You had a nasty fall Mom.  You are in the hospital and you broke some bones.”

Mommy:  “Oh yes.  I remember now. ”  and then she would proceed to talk about something else for 15-30 minutes.

15 minutes later….

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “Remember Mom, you fell and broke some bones.  You are in the hospital.”

It was a never-ending and tiring situation.  To make it easier, I decided to make it a little more fun on my end.  I mean, she wasn’t going to remember what I said so what did it matter, right?  The next time the conversation went like this:

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “Mom.  Aliens abducted you.  They took you up in their spaceship and probed you.  You had to come to Area 51 to get checked out, but it is a secret military hospital so we have to stay quiet.”

Mommy (whispering):  “Oh my goodness.  Do you think they will come back for me?”

Me (trying not to giggle):  “Do you want them to?”

Mommy (still whispering):  “Well, no!  But we better not talk about it in case the room is bugged. I sure don’t want to be probed again.  That could not have been comfortable.”

Me (really tying not to laugh loudly):  “Ok Mom. I am sure they won’t come back. Let’s just watch tv.”

I know you may think I am a horrible daughter, but after so many hours of being asked the same question over and over, I really just needed some comic relief.  It worked for awhile and I think she fell asleep for a bit.  Then when she woke up…

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “You ran away and joined the circus Mom. You fell off the tightrope and broke some bones.  Luckily, the Strong Man carried you here and the clowns called me.”

Mommy:  “No why would I do that?  That is stupid. Are you fucking around with me?”

Me (deadpan serious):  “Mom.  Would I ever do that?”

Mommy (glares over at me):  “Yes.  Yes you would.  I don’t believe you.”  The nurse walks in and Mommy looks at her “Did I really fall off a tightrope at the circus like my daughter says?”

Nurse (horrified and trying not to laugh as she looks at me):  “Did you really tell her that?”

Me (not at all ashamed):  “Yup.  What?  She isn’t going to remember in 15 minutes anyways.”

Nurse (shaking her head turns toward my Mommy):  “I am sure whatever your daughter tells you is correct.”  I start giggling uncontrollably and have to turn away.  I mean bravo to the nurse for playing along.  My Mommy caught on to that one and smacked me.  but 15 minutes later…

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “Ummmm.  Well, you decided to take up break dancing.  As you can see, that didn’t turn out so good for you Mom.”

Mommy:  “Guess I shall have to cancel those lessons then.”

Me:  “I already did Mom.”

I can now hear the nurse outside my Mommy’s room laughing as she listened in while she was charting.  At least she didn’t think I was terrible and found it funny.  Because 15 minutes later…

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “Mom, remember how we talked about that sex position I didn’t think you should try?  Well, I was right.  Look what happened.” I hear even more laughter from outside and from more than one person so I am assuming the nurse has called her co-workers over.

Mommy (giving me stink eye):  “Shut up. You are totally fucking with me.”

Me:  “Yup.  Sure am Mom. But next time let’s not try something new without fully reading the description.”

Mommy rolled her eyes at me and laughed.  At least she had her sense of humor.  And so did I because 15 minutes later…

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “You decided to drive in a Nascar race and crashed into the wall.  So here you are, in the hospital and broke some bones.”

Mommy:  “Well, I guess I didn’t win the race. Shit.”

Me (giggling softly):  “Nope.  But there is always next time.”

Mommy:  “I don’t think so.  I think I better not drive those fast cars anymore.  Sounds pretty dangerous.  I mean I am no Danica Patrick.”

Me (laughing out loud):  “No Mom, you aren’t.  Better stick with a regular car.”

Mommy:  “Yup. What made me think I could do that anyways?  That was dumb.  Remind me never to get some wild stupid idea again.”

Me:  “You got it Mom.  Check Nascar off the list of career choices.”

I think you get the point.  Luckily, the episodes got fewer and fewer as the day progressed, although she still doesn’t remember a lot of what happened and that is ok.  Brains are weird that way.  I don’t know if I would recommend this method as a nurse, but let me tell you, it sure made those first few days a lot more enjoyable and made me, my Mommy and the nurses laugh.  A lot.  And sometimes in times of stress, you need a little laughter.  Every 15 minutes.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did have to come up with new reasons my Mommy was in the hospital every 15 minutes, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl whose Mommy even with a head injury knew I was fucking around with her Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

When You Discover Your Mom Has The Mouth of a Sailor


Earlier in this year, my Mommy gave us all a scare. She fell and broke several bones, including her pelvis. It was scary because we think she laid on her floor of her apartment for about 16 hours before Bestie found her and called for help. Some of the scariest moments of my life were when I couldn’t get a hold of her and was waiting to hear if she was ok. Mommy made a full recovery but during that time was when I discovered for the first time in my life that my Mommy has the mouth of a sailor.

Because my Mommy broke her pelvis when she fell, she had to have physical therapy and go to a rehab center to get well enough to go back to her apartment. Now, luckily, she did not need any surgery. While we were in the hospital, she had physical therapy working with twice a day to walk. There we were, sitting in the ICU, when she sees the physical therapists coming towards her room. Mommy turns to me and says “Well here come those mother fuckers again”. Shocked, I looked at her, probably with my mouth hanging open and gasping at her word choice. She just looked back at me matter of factly and said “What? That is what they are. Straight up mother fuckers.”

Never in my life have I heard my Mother say words like this. Ever. I really was shocked beyond words and sat there stunned while she muttered under her breath at the physical therapists as they got her out of bed and made her walk. I am certain she used those words a few more times as well. I even heard her say she was a “foul mouthed old lady” at one point. I felt like a parent wondering where the heck she learned how to cuss like that. I mean…was my mother hanging out in biker bars or with military men when I wasnt around? Maybe I needed to put a GPS tracker on her and find out who she was spending all her time with or what movies she was watching. Was she taking a course in how to swear? Where the heck had she learned that phrase and why was she calling people that? My Mommy had never used language like that. Or at least not in the presence of her children.  I decided I really couldn’t handle her calling the physical therapists that phrase so when she got back we had a conversation.

Me (still shocked): “Um Mom. You can’t call the physical therapists names.”

Mommy (indignant): “I most certainly did not call them names.”

Me (slightly giggling): “Yes you did Mom. You called them mother fuckers.”

Mommy (matter of factly): “Oh yeah. Well they are mother fuckers.”

Me (now trying not to laugh): “Oh ok. So glad to know what you think. Can we try not to call them that?”

Mommy: “Well I guess I can try. But I am not making any promises”

The next time the physical therapists came around, I braced myself. But even though she complained and muttered under her breath, she did not call them MFers.  She did use a string of swear words that I have also never heard her utter as they made her walk, but she didn’t call them names. Seriously where did she learn to seear like this? When she was getting back into bed she said quite loudly “Oh kerflufflebunny”. I busted out laughing with tears running down my face. What the heck was that phrase?

Mommy: ” What are you laughing at?”

Me (in between laughs): “Kerflufflebunny? What in the world is that?”

Mommy: “Well. You told me I couldn’t call them mother fuckers any more.”

Point made.

Oh Mommy. You are too funny. And yes, she made a full recovery (with a lot of swearing).

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did get the shock of my life with the words that came out of my Mommy’s mouth but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who wonders who my Mommy hangs out with to learn such words Running. The experiment continues…

Always Answer When Your Mom Calls


When BFF and I go to the annual Nerdfest that is Phoenix Comicon, we usually spend time shopping in between panels and photo ops.  The very first day?  Oh no…that is dedicated completely to shopping.  The exhibition hall where all the vendors are opens at 4p and we are there, ready to shop till we drop.  Why?  Because we are girls…NERDY girls.  And Comicon is the perfect place for us to get our nerdy shopping on.  We actually have certain vendors that we repeatedly shop and search out before we even get there so we know where there booths are.  I mean, come on…there are not a lot of places for girls to get things like nerdy jewelry and purses and such like Comicon.  The exhibition hall is HUGE.  It actually takes us quite a while to get through all the vendors and artists, so that is why we dedicate that first day to just that…shopping.  This year, we were completely oblivious to a major incident that occurred while we were in our shopping haze.  Apparently, this year, someone had a BIG problem with The Green Power Ranger.

There we were, just minding our own business, wandering around fulfilling our nerdy little shopping desires, when my phone started vibrating in my pocket.  I pull it out and notice that it is BFF’s Momma.  I was actually quite a bit freaked out by this.  Why would her Momma be calling me and not BFF?  What was happening?  Who died?  Is the world ending?  Is the zombie apocalypse starting and here we are stuck in the vendor hall with all these people and no escape?  Are we going to get eaten? All these questions frantically ran through my brain as I went to answer the phone.  In my panicked state that the world was possibly ending, I actually hung up on her Momma and never even got to hear if they were under zombie attack.  Luckily, BFF had seen it was her Momma calling when I pulled out my phone and started calling her back right away.  My sense of panic rising that maybe the zombie virus had, in fact, been let loose and we were going to need an escape route, I then started scanning for our quickest route out of the nerdy shopping heaven.  I had already decided who we could shove in the way of the zombies so that we could get out.  The dude dressed as Link would be useful with his bow and arrow, so he could tag along.  But the kid dressed as Iron Man…nope.  I am so shoving him in front of a zombie so we can escape.  I mean, what good is a plastic mask and a puffed up suit to look like muscle?   Nothing I tell you when it comes to a zombie eating his face or mine.  That fake Iron Man has no value in the zombie apocalypse unless he somehow turns into the real Iron Man.  Then I am catching a lift for BFF and me out of there.  Also the first to go?  The gal dressed as Princess Peach from Super Mario Brothers.  Useless. The big poufy dress might help slow some zombies down but I assure you, unless she has weapons stored under that hoop skirt, she is a goner.

Luckily, as BFF was talking to her Momma, I realized I could stop planning our escape route as I heard her say “No we are fine.  Why?  What is going on? Nope.  We haven’t heard anything about that and we haven’t been evacuated and nobody looks like they know.  Huh.  That is weird.  Is everything else ok?  No, Momma, we really are ok but we will let you know.”  She hung up the phone with a puzzled expression on her face.  Her Momma had called because she heard on the TV that a shooter had been taken down at Comicon and arrested.  Well, whew.  At least it wasn’t zombies.  That would be worse.  We looked around to see if anyone had any clue that this was happening.  Nope.  In the vendor hall, it was business as usual, with all sorts of other nerds wandering around in their nerdy shopping haze.  Hmmmm.  We quickly got on social media and indeed saw that a dude who thought he was The Punisher had brought a bag full of guns to Comicon to apparently kill the actor who plays The Green Power Ranger.  Why the Green Power Ranger?  What had he done to him?  Had he used the wrong color powers?  Was the Green Power Ranger inherently evil and I didn’t know it?  Wait…did he have the zombie virus and this Punisher dude was trying to protect us?  I am still unsure if we ever got the answers to these questions, but at least they got him subdued and arrested before anyone at Con was actually hurt.  I still wonder what The Green Power Ranger ever did to this dude to make him want to actually kill him.  After the phone call from BFF’s Momma and reading about it on social media, BFF and I decided the nerdy shopping heaven would wait.  We peaced out and went back to our hotel.  Also, I was still concerned that maybe the Green Power Ranger was a code for zombie apocalypse and needed a better escape plan anyways for the next day.  Priorities man.

 

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that while in the nerdy shopping heaven, you can plan a good escape route in case the zombie apocalypse does start while you are there, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl still curious about what the Green Power Ranger ever did to deserve almost dying Running.  The experiment continues…

How To Tell When BFF Is REALLY Sick


Over SuperBowl weekend, BFF and I went on our annual We Hate The Superbowl trip to Disneyland.  We needed a Dole Whip fix you see.  We also needed some fun after having so much grief in such a short period.  So off to the Happiest Place on Earth it was.  Just the two of us.  We made it a short trip and good thing we did because who would have thought that poor BFF would get sick.  And when she gets sick, she gets SICK.  So here is how to tell when BFF is REALLY sick.

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Dole Whip Fix!

The trip started out normally except that BFF complained that her allergies were terrible and that her nose was runny from them.  We really didn’t think anything of it to be honest.  I mean, I know life was throwing us tomatoes and neither one of us was sleeping much, but we really didn’t think she was sick.  I noticed more kleenex growing in a pile next to her in the car like Tribbles, but really I didn’t think she was sick. It was like the kleenex were breeding.  And BFF kept insisting it was allergies.  Then the coughing started.  And I mean coughing.  Hmmmmmm…..

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Even in the rain, we keep going
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I can see here in her eyes she doesn’t feel the best

Fast forward to one night when we came back to get our jackets to continue the night and so BFF could check in with her Momma.  I took the time to lounge on the bed and found a Harry Potter movie to entertain myself.  I mean, my feet needed a rest anyways and I was in no hurry to go back.  I did run over to the Club and grab us some foods to nosh on once she was done talking with her Momma and filling her in on all the fun we were having.  BFF finished her call, came and lounged next to me and we shoved some amazing foods in our gobs.  Next thing I know, we are still lounging watching Harry Potter and I realized something….BFF didn’t feel good.  There is no way she would let us just lounge in the room and watch a movie if she felt good.  I turned to her and asked her how she was feeling.  When she looked at me, I could see in her eyes she didn’t feel her best and she replied “I must not feel that good if it isn’t bothering me that we are just laying here watching Harry Potter instead of playing in the park.”  I then watched her  have a coughing fit and heard her wheezing next to me.  I handed her my inhaler and she agreed to use it, feeling better but not admitting she was sick.

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Despite her not feeling her best and us deciding she must take it easy, she persevered and got some amazing sleep.  We had a great time, despite her still not wanting to admit she was sick and our trip ended a little too soon.  We packed up and headed down to load up the car.  The valet brought the car around and I started helping put the bags where we wanted them for the drive home.  I turned to ask BFF where she wanted a bag and noticed she was on the phone.  Thinking she must be talking to her Momma, I figured it out and we climbed in.  It was then I heard her conversation and realized what she was doing….making a doctor’s appointment for the next morning.  BFF NEVER goes to the doctor unless she feels totally crappy (nurses make the WORST patients).  I mean NEVER.  Her spleen could be hanging outside her body and she would just slap some Saran wrap and duck tape over it and continue on with her day.  Like her spleen should just be hanging around outside her body.  Completely normal folks.  She once broke her toe and it was hanging off to the side.  What did she do?  Put it back in place and taped it to the other toe and put on her shoe and came to work.  BFF is a badass people.  She really never does go to the doctor.  Not even for check ups.  No joke.  So to hear her on the phone making a doctor’s appointment?  She REALLY did not feel good.   I looked at her questioningly when she got off the phone and she said to me “I think I am sick.”  Poor BFF.  And what a trooper to power through a trip at Disneyland.

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Nope. Not sick at all.

By the way, she was totally sick.  Bronchitis.  Antibiotics, and inhaler and steroids.  But you know, it was just allergies.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover what a trooper my BFF is and wish she would have just admitted she didn’t feel good but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a BFF who can’t ever admit she is sick until she is REALLY sick Running.  The experiment continues…

Confessions of a Fat Girl


You might have noticed something.  I haven’t been blogging as much lately.  I know it has been weird not to see a blog or two every week.  And now it is time to confess to you why.  You deserve to know.  You read the words I put on here and never judge me, so it is time for you to understand why.  I recently sat down with the Boss Bean and she convinced me to tell you all.  It may not be funny.  It may make you cry.  But this is who I am.  I put myself out here just as you see me.  If ever you meet me in person, you will realize one thing…that this blog is exactly like having a conversation with me.  So let’s have a conversation.  A confession of sorts.  Let’s have a confession of a Fat Girl.

Life for me has not been funny.  It really has not.  In fact, it has been rather traumatic.  I have had a hell of a past 6 months and I tried not to talk about it but let me do a recap:  I lost three family members in three months, BFF found a lump in her breast and had to have surgery twice and my Mommy took a horrible fall and ended up in the ICU and then a rehab facility for broken bones.  To say my life has not been funny or cheerful is an understatement.  I tried to shield you all from how I was feeling but I am not going to now.  The last six months made me sad and angry.  Losing my BFF’s Grandpa and our sweet Mathew really threw me for a loop.  Never have I experienced grief like that.  Never have I cried so much.  Throw on top worrying if BFF had cancer (she does not) and spending a week with my Mom in a hospital, then you get the stressed out, crying and not so funny Fat Girl.  I sat in front of my computer time after time trying to find words to write and ending up shutting it because the words would not come.  I didn’t know what to say to you through my tears so I said nothing at all.  I ate my feelings and gained a bunch of weight and sat here thinking there is no way you all want to be inspired by the ramblings of a depressed Fat Girl who eats her feelings.  I am wrong.  You need to see me like this.  You need to see me laying on my couch, piles of snacks around me, doing nothing but watching Netflix and reality TV.  This is what a traumatic six months will do to me.  It makes me fat.  It makes me want to hide in my house and not people.  It makes me unmotivated, eat a lot of crap and cry.  A lot.

Losing Mathew and Grandpa were harder than I thought.  Even now, as I sit here and write all these words, tears are flowing down my face.  I never realized how hard grief is and how I cope with it.  I cope with it by eating.  No exercising and eating.  Grief and stress are funny things.  So to say I gave up my eating plan and quit exercising is a hard thing to admit to you but I did.  I really did eat my feelings.  I didn’t think you would want to hear how sad I have been.  How stressed life made me.  How when I sat down to write it made me stressed out.  I couldn’t express how I was feeling or make it funny and it stressed me out.  So instead, I said nothing.  I wrote nothing and that was not fair to you.  I have had some fun times and to write about them felt weird.  It felt like a lie.  I am not going to lie to you, my readers.  My life really has sucked for a while and you deserve to hear it.  Everyone has times in their lives where it feels like you are at the bottom of a pit screaming and no one can hear your cries for help.  Where you paste on a smile to the world and meanwhile inside you are screaming and crying and just want to be held.  That was me for a long time.  I felt like all I could do was tread the waters of life and keep my head just above so I wouldn’t drown.  It was an awful feeling.  Being an adult sucks.  It really does.

Finally, I realized after talking with Boss Bean and BFF that all I needed to do was to sit here and confess to you how shitty my life has been.  I can look back on it now and laugh and make fun of some situations, but before I really could not find the laughter.  I could not find the words to tell you that I wanted someone to make it all better.  For someone to tell me it would be ok.  For me to not have to paste on a fake smile. I wanted to scream in anger.  I was angry.  I was mad at God, the world, the circumstances.  Why would God take Grandpa and then Mathew?  Why would he throw so much grief and stress at me all at once?  Work suffered.  My writing suffered.  My weight suffered.  But you know what?  I made it through.  I am still here.  All of this may have made me silent for a while but I am still here.  Here I am in all my glory… fatter and sassier.  I finally was able to reach deep down into that pit and pull out my voice.  I grabbed a hold of those words and lifted them to the top, allowing those feelings to wash over me and my fingers to put them on the page for you.  Yes, my life was so shitty and traumatic for the past 6 months.  Yes, I ate every bit of those feelings and now have to deal with that.  Yes, I am still here and ready to put more words to the page for you.  This is my confession and I am glad you are still here too.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I lost my voice and my words in grief and anger, but I didn’t die.  I am the Fat Girl who CAN survive and eats my feelings Running.  The experiment continues…

 

The Sadness Birthday Party


There is a tradition with me, Bubby, Pocket Fiancée and BFF when it comes to birthdays.  We usually do dinner and game night.  We love game night (as you might have read) and what game we play really varies depending on time and our mood.  The birthday person gets to pick dinner and it is usually a really good time.  Sometimes we vary and do a movie, but not very often because we really love game night.  February is Pocket Fiancée’s birthday month so we all looked at our schedules and planned a night to do a birthday night.  BFF soon dubbed it The Sadness Birthday Party.

Let me tell you something about BFF.  She doesn’t eat veggies.  Like ever.  I swear it.  She loves meat and potatoes.  She must think veggies are the product of The Devil.  I think the only veggie I have seen her eat voluntarily is broccoli and usually covered in cheese.  How that girl does not have high cholesterol or vitamin deficiencies is really beyond me. She also does not eat fruit. How does she survive?  How does she stay so thin?  She also does not eat condiments.  No sauces, dressings, nothing of the sort.  She eats her burgers and salads (when she is forced to eat them) dry.  Dry.  Who eats a burger dry?  That sounds so gross to me.  Like eating a dry bun and a slab of meat and some cheese is all BFF puts on her burger.  Ugh.  That sounds like it would stick to the roof of my mouth and I would choke on the dryness, and since I live alone, there would be no one to give me the Heimlich maneuver and I would continue to choke, thereby ending my own life and dying by a dry burger.  What a horrible way to die.  I don’t know how BFF does it and doesn’t die.  Does she have excess saliva and moisture in her mouth that doesn’t allow her to choke on the dryness?  Is this her super power?  Is she like a camel and spits at people and her saliva burns like acid?  Now that would be an awesome super power.  I want acid spit.  Maybe that is why BFF eats her burgers dry.  To contain the acid spit.  Kind of like the creatures on the 8o’s movie Alien.  Wait…does BFF have an Alien creature in her and it will explode out of her stomach?   Oh no.  Maybe my BFF does not have a super power but really has an Alien inside of her.  These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.  No really.  Doesn’t everyone’s brain work like this?  No?  IT’s just me then?  Ok well I will have to decide if I need a flame thrower to kill BFF once the Alien creature explodes out of her gut or be thankful she has an awesome super power.  I am so torn.

So, when Pocket Fiancée announced what she wanted to eat for her birthday dinner, you will understand why BFF called it The Sadness Birthday Party.  See, Pocket Fiancee is a vegetarian and she wanted what she called a Salad Party.  Basically we all brought things for different salads and then we eat them.  I didn’t mind, as I love a good salad.  BFF, on the other hand, was not so sure on this concept.  Being the trooper that she is though, BFF went with me to the store and we got things she would like for a salad.  She even bought a dressing! What is the world coming to?  She wasn’t going to eat her salad dry?  Does that mean she doesn’t have super acid saliva?  I was so confused.  But I was proud of her for getting things she knew she would eat in a salad.  Even if she thought it was sadness.

Upon getting back to my house, Bubby and Pocket Fiancée showed up with even more salad makings and the Salad/Sadness Party began for Pocket Fiancée’s birthday.  Surprisingly, BFF made a massive salad and had seconds (guess she really does eat veggies sometimes) AND she used dressing (shocker).  We ended the night by watching the Disney movie Moana and I might have seen Bubby get misty eyed during it.  BFF did not die from consuming a salad but I bet she pooped better…lets not go there.  You don’t even want to know.  I still am a bit concerned she might have an Alien inside her…

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did get BFF to eat a salad but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl still wondering if BFF has an Alien inside her or acid spit superpowers Running.  The experiment continues…