Taco Tuesday?


This month BFF had to have surgery.  Twice.  Nothing major and everything is fine but she had to have some lumps removed from her breast.  All is benign and good!  So don’t you all go worrying cuz she would hate that.  She had what is called a phyllodes tumor, which is benign but can turn cancerous, so it had to be removed before it caused trouble.  Silly boobie.  So, surgery it was and I went with her and her parentals to be her support and to entertain her Momma so she wouldn’t be too stressed.   Let me tell you, BFF on meds is hilarious!  Also she was pretty hungry which led to the discussion of tacos. Because it was Tuesday.  And because tacos. Always tacos.

BFF had to have one of her lumps marked by a wire because it was small and the surgeon wanted to make sure she could find it during the surgery.  So that procedure was supposed to take place about an hour before the actual surgery.  That had to be done with a radiologist and she said it really was not pleasant.  But she returned with a numb boobie and we sat waiting in the pre-op area.  From where we were, we could see all the activity of the area and that was quite fun.  But the waiting.  Ugh.  So much waiting.  And waiting. And waiting.  BFF was scheduled for surgery at 12:45 and had not had anything to eat since midnight.  She was starving.  So guess what our topic of conversation was?  Yup.  The food she was going to shove in her gob as soon as she was released.  She had quite the list.  But topping that list?  Tacos.  It was, after all, Taco Tuesday and she wanted some tacos dammit.  She must have talked about the kind of tacos she wanted for like an hour. And this was before they gave her drugs.  BFF’s surgery time came and went.  Unfortunately for her, she got bumped back because of trauma patients.  This meant one thing.  Her boobie was now not numb and she could feel the wire.  Also, she was still hungry.  I imagine the wire felt like a giant splinter sitting in her boobie so it could not have been that fun.  Can you imagine?  So BFF did the only thing she could since she couldn’t have tacos.  She asked for pain medication.

This is where it got fun.  They gave her medication and a few minutes later she looked at me and said “Whoa”.  Immediately she said she didn’t like it and could not understand how people could get addicted to stuff like that.  Good thing to know BFF won’t suddenly become a drug addict.  I won’t have to worry about her becoming a bag lady pushing a shopping cart down the street that contain all her worldly possessions muttering to herself about demons and yelling profanities at people.  Oh wait.  Maybe I do.  But not because of drugs.  Just because.  Pretty soon the sleepy factor hit her and she was out.  Which means this happened.

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She really shouldn’t sleep around me.

You knew that would happen right?  I mean what else was I supposed to do while waiting?  Luckily, only 3 hours after she was supposed to go back for surgery, the crew finally came and got her.  Which meant we were left with this image as they wheeled her back.

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That is one sexy blue cap BFF

If you have ever waited for someone in surgery, then you know it can be so long even if it is only 45 minutes or so.  We had the joy of hearing some dude eery 15 minutes tell everyone within ear shot of him that he was going to go out and “smoke his cancer”.  You go right ahead buddy.  Thanks for telling us the umpteenth time.  I thought BFF’s Momma was gonna stab him in the eye with a spork from the dining room when he said it for the 4th time.  I would have handed her the spork.  Just saying.  Our hospital does this thing where they give you a tracking number and you can look up on this giant board to see where your loved one is.  I felt like all I did was stared at this board waiting to see if BFF was in the recovery room yet.  It just kept saying she was in the OR.  Even when the surgeon came to talk to us and said she was done and everything was fine, BFF’s number never moved her to the recovery room.  It was like she was stuck in permanent limbo! Maybe the Doctor came and picked her up in the T.A.R.D.I.S. and she is flying through time and space.  Wait.  And she didn’t come and get me?  Rude.

Eventually I knew she was in the recovery room.  How?  Because all of a sudden I got a text from her.  I looked at her Momma because I thought she had BFF’s phone but she didn’t.  I opened up the text message and started laughing.  The text was nothing but taco emojis.  A ton of them.  Only BFF would subtly let me know she was out of surgery and feeling fine by texting me taco emojis.  Best recovery room text ever.  Her Momma and I laughed pretty hard over that.

After being discharged, I was helping BFF to the car while her Momma went and got it.  She looked at me and said “I am starving.  Can you go get me tacos?”  Nope.  Not happening.  I carefully explained to her drug addled brain that I didn’t want to see tacos come back up and I would get her some the next day.  She sighed, agreed and again told me could never be a drug addict.  Well good, because I didn’t want to have to find her a shopping cart.  Although if it came filled with tacos at that point, I am sure she would have just walked down the street muttering to herself and eating tacos.  I mean it was Taco Tuesday.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did, however, have to explain to BFF why she couldn’t have tacos fresh out of surgery, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a BFF who texts me taco emojis from the recovery room Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

Rez Adventures Part 2: Why I Should Never Be a Passenger in a Car


You all heard how GPS Janice failed BFF and I when we went out to Grand Falls with her parental units, but let me tell you about the trip home.  After wandering around on the wrong side of the falls, we decided to make the trek home providing Janice could tell us how to get there.  It was on the way home that I discovered that I am not really a good passenger to have in a car.

Usually when BFF and I go places, I drive us.  Nothing against BFF and her driving…she just hates to drive.  Hence why I am usually the driver.  This time though her Dad was driving so BFF and I were in the backseat which meant I had nothing to keep me occupied.  On the way out to the Falls, we were occupied by the fact that we were certain Janice had gotten us lost but I didn’t have that luxury on the way home.  I turned to talk to BFF and noticed she had fallen asleep (I mean she had worked the night before).  Well now what was I supposed to do?  There was no internet reception and no scenery to look at since we were in the middle of the desert of the reservation.  Hmmmm….BFF was no help.  What was I to do?  Why take selfies with the sleeping BFF of course!  No really.  Yup. It totally happened and it was glorious.  See for yourself:

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I mean what else are you supposed to do when BFF sleeps?
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Can you see all the red dirt on the back window?
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I had way too much fun with her 

Obviously, I am not a good passenger when I don’t have anything to keep me occupied.  Don’t you want to ride next to me?  BFF’s Momma actually saw me and started giggling because it was pretty funny that I was taking selfies.  The other thing BFF was supposed to do besides keep me entertained?  Navigate us out of there.  Good thing I had put it in my phone as well before we lost signal so I was able to direct the parentals on the unmarked dirt roads.  Some help BFF was on both accounts.  Once we were back on the highway, I asked to stop at the one gas station to use the restroom as the sound of water at the Falls made me have to go.  Here is where we had our second adventure of the day.

On our way to the Falls, we had noticed a flea market of sorts across from the gas station and BFF’s Momma had seen a sign that said “kneel down bread”.  We had discussed what this could possibly be on our way out so when I cam out of the gas station, I asked BFF’s Momma if she wanted to go see what it was about.  Now, I must mention that BFF’s Momma is not very adventurous so her agreeing to do so was a big deal for her but I think she was really very curious.  We soon found the table with Kneel Down Bread and we got the last two.  We then scampered back to our car anxious to try this new thing we had discovered on our adventure.

BFF’s Momma handed me one for us to try.  It was wrapped up in a corn husk which I found interesting as I attempted to open it.  It looked and felt like the outside of a tamale when I finally got it open.  I gave a chunk to BFF and broke off a chunk for myself.  It didn’t look like bread.  It didn’t smell like bread.  We were a little confused.  But we decided to try it anyways.  The minute BFF put it in her mouth, I knew she did not like it.  I could tell by the look on her face that the texture was not something she liked. At all.  The look on her face was mixed with horror and fear.  I almost started laughing as I watched her choke it down.  I could tell she wanted to spit it out but there was nothing to spit it out into.  So she instead swallowed and said “Well, that was texturally displeasing.”  I about died.  BFF really has a problem with textures.  She once told me that gummy things feel human in her mouth although I do not think I want to know how she knows what human feels like in her mouth. Well…she does bite people a lot.  Maybe that is it.  All that biting is good practice if she were to ever become a zombie, just saying.  Then she would really know what human tastes like. Ew.

After seeing BFF’s reaction, I was a little hesitant but I do not have texture issues like her.  So I took a bite.  It tasted like masa (the outside of a tamale) to me but not as finely ground.  I could taste the chunks of blue corn in it but I could see how she found it texturally displeasing to her.  It really did taste like corn to me.  I later found out that Kneel Down Bread is also called Navajo Tamales so that makes perfect sense.  I didn’t mind it but I could tell BFF was trying to wash the taste out of her mouth with a bottle of water.  It was pretty funny.  And soon after that, she was sound asleep again.  There might have been snoring.  And drool.  All in all it was a great family adventure.  Matty would have been proud.  #LiveGrandMR

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I wish I had a picture of her face after she actually put it in her mouth…needless to say she won’t be eating Kneel Down Bread again.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did, however, discover that I am not a good passenger in a car ride and that BFF does not like things that taste human in her mouth but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who takes selfies with BFF while she is sleeping Running.  The experiment continues…

Rez Adventures Part One: When GPS Fails You


Have you ever gone on an adventure? BFF and her parentals and I recently went on one and it was quite the experience.  We had every intention of going out to a local attraction and somehow ended up an hour out of our way on a dirt road in the middle of the Navajo reservation all thanks to Google Maps.  What we did discover, however, is that the four of us can make a good time out of even getting lost.

It all started out with BFF’s Momma wanting to go see Grand Falls, a natural waterfall system located out on the Navajo reservation.  It only flows with snow melt and is actually higher than Niagara Falls.  Since none of us had ever been out there and we heard it was flowing rather heavily, we decided to take the trip and go see it.  Instead of asking for directions or looking it up, BFF put it into Google Maps and we headed out early in the morning.  I mean, Google Maps has never steered us wrong before.  Back before there was GPS, we did get lost trying to get to Disneyland and ended up in Compton.  Luckily, Bubby was able to decipher the tiny map I had printed off the computer and get us to where we wanted to be.  GPS always re-routes you if you turn wrong so I felt pretty confident about using it to get out to Grand Falls.  I was so wrong.

Now Grand Falls is only 30 miles outside of town so it shouldn’t have taken us too long to get there.  We followed Janice (that is what we call the voice on Google Maps) and ended up on a dirt road, which wasn’t too surprising.  Since it was a weekend and the falls were so full, I thought we would see a lot more people driving on the same dirt road as us.  Nope.  Totally alone.  On a dirt road.  In the middle of no where with no signs.  An hour and a half later, we were still on various unmarked dirt roads and hoping that somehow, they led to the falls.  I kept thinking that what if we broke down or what if an axe murderer came out of the landscape to kill us all.  Seriously, the reservation is pretty desolate.  Janice kept directing us on all these unmarked dirt roads and I was thoroughly convinced that we were going to end up stranded with only 2 mini bottles of water and a couple of breakfast bars between us.  We might have to resort to cannibalism to survive.  Who would we eat first?  This is a serious question to ask yourself when traveling with a group of people.  Do you not think of this?  No?  Just me then?  Ok…well I did wonder which one of the four of us we would eat first if we were stranded and needed to survive.  Totally normal way of thinking when you are lost on the reservation if you ask me.  Don’t judge.

Eventually, the road turned and we could see the canyon and the falls so we pulled up and got out.  Upon doing that and looking around, I realized something.  We were on the wrong side of the falls.  The official lookout and parking was on the other side.  How the heck we ended up on that side was beyond me.  None of us could figure out how we ended up on the that side.  Where did we make the wrong turn?  We followed GPS.  We listened to Janice.  She let us down.  We risked our lives and almost ate one another to get here and we are on the wrong side?  Sigh.  Well at least we had a good laugh, a great time and ended up with epic pictures.  No, really, they are quite epic and not because of the falls.  Because of BFF’s bang.  Her bang could not compete with the winds around the falls and I couldn’t see because of the sun, so I had no idea what was happening until we looked t the pictures later.  Epic I tell you.  See for yourself.

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Grand Falls.  Can you see the real lookout over there?  Yeah…we aren’t there.
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The wind was really strong….
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It just keeps getting better….the bang
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The family that adventures together.  I just can’t even with that bang.  It’s too good.

Upon leaving, we ran into others who Janice had led astray and ended up on the wrong side.  Stupid GPS.  Turns out that we went about an hour out of our way and we still have no idea how to get to the right side of the falls.  Or how we got out of there without eating one another.  GPS fail.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did, however, consider which one of us I would eat first if we got stranded on the reservation but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with epic pictures of BFF’s bang on a reservation adventure Running.  The experiment continues…

 

#LiveGrand


I realize it has been quite a while since you heard from me and there is a really good explanation.  Hopefully you read about the loss of BFF’s Grandpa right before the holidays but in January, we had a devastating loss of her 23-year-old nephew, Mathew as well.  BFF and I have been best friends for over 20 years and her family has adopted me as another member, with her brothers calling me their other sister and her nieces and nephews calling me Aunty 2.  So, when we got the news Matty had died in a horrible car wreck, I was devastated right along with the rest of the family.  You see, I had known Matty since he was little and I loved being his Aunty 2.  It was so hard to think about writing and words could not seem to come to me to even begin to express my grief over such a young soul.  But this week, as I was musing over Matty and how he lived his life, the words he lived by inspired me.  Live Grand.

Matty may have only been 23 years old, but the life he lived was so full and rich.  We like to say he lived life going mach 3 with his hair on fire, but really he just lived grand.  He LOVED adventure. This kid ran river tours in the Grand Canyon with the Hualapai tribe for many years and they loved him so much he was actually made a member of the tribe.  He loved to take chances and was a budding photographer, doing anything to get the perfect shot.  So many photos of Matty not only show his beautiful smile but they also show him on the edge of cliffs, playing in the Colorado river, snowboarding down the mountain and many other things that made his life grand.  He loved spending time with the family, never missing a function if he could help it and was always the first one to take selfies with everyone.  His laugh and smile were contagious and you could forgive him of any transgression by that smile and he knew it.  This spirit, this essence of Matty is his legacy.  to all of us.  This sense of loving life and living outside the box is what inspires me.  This is where my challenge to you, my dear readers, is going to present itself.  In memory of BFF and my nephew, I challenge you to Live Grand.

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BFF and Matty 
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That smile….

 

Take a moment and reflect on your life and what makes it grand.  Find one thing that you can do to make it more rich, fuller and bursting with life.  Whether that be traveling to a new destination, creating your own adventure or even just spending more time with your family, find that one thing and do it.  Do not wait until tomorrow or put it off to next year, I want you to do it now.  Matty wants you to do it now.  Plan it, execute it and make your life grand.  It’s that simple.  This is my challenge to all of you…to keep Matty’s spirit alive and make your life grand.  I want you to tag me in posts on Facebook, Instagram and even send me snapchats with the hashtag #LiveGrand and show me how you can change your life to make it your best life ever.  I want to see you #LiveGrand no matter what that means to you.  Show me!  I plan on spending more time with my family and traveling more to make my life grand.  Because if there is one thing Matty taught me, it was that family is not always about blood.  It is about those people who love and support you the most and BFF and her family are some of those people.  Thank you BFF and her family.  You all have given me something I cherish….your love.

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This boy….

Mathew.  I am proud to have been your Aunty 2.  I am glad you never hesitated to tell me you loved me.  I am proud to have known you and been blessed by your smile, laugh and your love.  I am so proud of the man you had become and I will miss you my sweet nephew.  While I will never hear you call me Aunty 2 again and get some random snapchat from you showing me your smile, I will always love you.  You lived grand in life and now you can continue to Live Grand forever.  “Through every door, a new path awaits.”  Enjoy your new path Matty.  And #LiveGrand.

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Mathew Thomas Reyes  1993-2017  #LiveGrand

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that even through great grief, you can discover a new joy in life but I didn’t die.  Thank you Matty.  I am Fat Girl who is going to  #LiveGrand Running.  The experiment continues…

BFF And Her Grandpa


I have always heard how girls can have special relationships with their Daddies (being a Daddy’s girl myself) but you can also have a wonderful and close relationship with a grandparent.  Grandparents can be so special and I can say without a doubt some of my best memories are the ones with my Grandma.  I preferred to spend time with my Grandma and even went there after school.  My Grandma was my world and I lost her when I was 18, so I understand having a close relationship with a Grandma.  However, I have learned through my BFF, how special a Grandpa can be.  You see, both my Grandpas were gone before I was born so I never experienced what it was like to have one until I became a part of BFF’s family.  It was then, over 22 years ago, that I was introduced to one of the most special relationships I ever witnessed:  the one between BFF and her Grandpa.  This week, unfortunately, we lost this beautiful soul of a man at 101 years young and one of the things I can offer her family in our grief are my words.

BFF’s family is like my other family and so I got to witness BFF’s relationship with her Grandpa all the time.  Truly, this was one of the most precious relationships I have ever witnessed.  BFF spent as much time as she could with her Grandpa, taking care of him when he was sick, sitting with him when he needed to have someone there, talking with him even if he tried to talk in Spanish (she doesn’t speak Spanish), and singing with him.  It was obvious to me how much he meant to her and that she would drop everything if he needed anything at all.  It never bothered her and she didn’t hesitate.  She would just say “It’s Grandpa” with a shrug and a smile.

I was lucky enough to get to know Grandpa at family functions and by hanging out with BFF when she was taking care of him.  He was a quiet man but if you asked him a question, be prepared for a long quite involved answer or story.  I loved it when he would tell me stories about his past.  I learned from these stories that he worked in a mine, rescued a cow from a well and that he was a sort of cattle rustler back in the day.  Grandpa told me how he would look to see what cows were not branded and he would take those and brand them with his brand.  When BFF and I exclaimed in shock, he shrugged and said “Well.  They didn’t brand them so I did.”  Yup.  Cattle rustler.  He even told us how when Grandma was mad at him, he would go out and sit in the shed till he felt he could come inside.  I loved listening to these stories when he felt like telling them.  What an amazing and full life he led.

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Afternoon snoozles with Grandpa

One of my favorite things at family gatherings was watching BFF with her Grandpa.  She would make him laugh and I really loved it when she would have him sing in Spanish.  BFF would start singing and he would join right in, belting out songs one after another.  He would throw things at her like an empty (or not) water-glass and she would tell him he threw like a girl, which would make him laugh.  She took such great care of him and at the end was there.  I got a text from her one night, near the end of his life, where she told me she was sitting in bed just holding hands with him as he slept.  I wished I had been there to capture that moment for her.  I tried every chance I could get to take pictures of her and Grandpa because their relationship was so precious.  I learned how important a Grandpa is from her.  I learned that a girl can be attached to her Grandpa and that he could become her world.  You could tell when she talked about him how much he meant to her and how much she loved him.  I once gave her a framed picture of her and Grandpa for her birthday and she told me it was the best present anyone could have given her.

Grandpa grew to have a special place in my own heart throughout the years.  Once when I brought BFF lunch when she was sitting with him, he was already at the table eating and he looked up at me and said.  “You are late.  I am already eating.”  Mind you, it was 11 am and I was right on time.  I tried to say I was not late and he just chuckled to himself and said “Nope. Late.”  Sometimes he remembered me by the fact that I was from Iowa.  Sometimes it was by name (or as close as he could get which might have been Grandma’s name).  I always took time to greet him, say goodbye and kiss his cheek, and grab his hand as I walked through the pew at church (even if he did accuse me of pinching him).  I was lucky enough to help care for him at times and listen to those great stories.  I was always on the lookout every trip to help BFF find the perfect Grandpa gift, whether it be playing cards, cookies, a ball cap or a personalized ornament from Disneyland.  I gained a Grandpa over the years.  I will miss that.  I will miss him.

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The picture I gave BFF and my favorite one

BFF…thank you for sharing your Grandpa with me.  Thank you for allowing me to help care for him.  Thank you for showing me how special of a relationship can be between a grandchild and their Grandpa.  Thank you for sharing that wonderful man with me.  Grandpa…thank you for always making me a part of the family.  Even though you were not my biological Grandpa, you were the only Grandpa I ever knew and I miss you.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  Sometimes grief feels that way and all I can offer BFF are my words but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who learned what it is like to have a Grandpa through BFF Running.  The experiment continues…

An Unexpected Water Ride


One of the funnest things about our last trip to Disneyland was how much time BFF and I got to spend with her Nephew.  BFF’s Brother married just over a year ago and his wife already had 4 kids, so we haven’t had much chance to spend quality time with the oldest Nephew (I shall call him Nephew S) in that family and this trip we did.  We discovered that he is one of the funniest dudes and we loved every minute we spent with him.  In fact, a lot of our pics are with Nephew S and it looks like it was just the three of us riding all the rides together.  I mean, we did spend a lot of time riding all the big kid rides with him so I guess that part is true.  On our last day there, we met up with the family inside Disneyland because we had to check out of our hotel and they were staying one more night.  On our way into the park, we get a frantic text from Nephew S asking where we were because he was stuck in Toon Town with the babies.  We quickly told him to haul his butt over to Space Mountain to ride it with us.  So started our fun morning with Nephew S that ended up having an unexpected water ride included in it.

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One of the many photos of the Big kids

Nephew S ran all the way from Toon Town to Space Mountain (quite a ways by the way) a and what made it even more impressive is that he has a bum knee.  We waited for him at the entrance of the ride and we all went in to ride it together with lots of screaming and laughing.  The line wait times were next to nothing so we decided to go ride The Matterhorn as well since everyone else was still in Toon Town and BFF and I are not a fan of that area of the park (we swear it smells like pee back there).  We had already ridden this one a bunch of times, but since the wait time was only like 10 minutes, we could not pass it up.  Now if you have never ridden this ride, it is a roller coaster whose cars are like bobsleds and you ride inside a mountain where a Yeti lives. It can be scary and fast.  At the end, you “splash down” into a bit of water but never have I gotten wet in all the years riding it.  The water is primarily there to cool off the brakes on the cars.  Sometimes I might get a few sprinkles on my glasses or in my mouth (Ew.  Dont get me started on the ride water in my mouth.  Sometimes we play a game where we ask each other which ride water we would rather drink. So gross) but never gotten wet like you do on a log ride like Splash Mountain.

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Fun Nephew time

I will be honest, this ride to me is scary because of the Yeti but Nephew S loves it and it is his favorite so I was happy to ride it again.  There might have been lots of screaming on my part as the Yeti tried to get me.  As we came down to the end of the ride, we were all laughing as we went into the “splash down”.  All of a sudden, a wall of water came over the bobsled and proceeded to soak all three of us.  And I mean soak.  What just happened?  How the heck are we now soaking wet like we went on Splash Mountain?  In shock, we all turned to each other and I believe I said to Nephew S “Dammit S!  This is all your fault! You wanted to ride this one!” while BFF was asking how that happened and were we going to die from getting water in our mouths.  It was then I realized I might have gotten some of the ride water in my mouth.  So disgusting. We started laughing hysterically as we were not planning on getting wet on that last day but here we were…soaking wet from The Matterhorn of all rides.  As we walked away, we were still asking each other how that happened and I still cannot figure it out.  That ride is not a water ride but trust me when I say we got soaked riding it. We have tried to figure out how this happened.  Was one of us heavier that day because of extra churros?  Were the water levels higher because of the heat?  Would we get hepatitis from the ride water? This may be a mystery that is never solved.

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Prior to water experience
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Not happy.  BFF’s bang did not survive the ride

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today. I did, however, get soaked on a ride that wasn’t supposed to do that and get ride water in my mouth but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who had a fun time with my nephew but is still wondering when the hepatitis will set in from the ride water Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

The Best Sibling Group Text Ever


My siblings and are pretty close despite our age differences and even though one of us lives in Texas, we still keep in good contact.  As is most of my conversations these days, we text each other a lot.  I actually really like texting because it is less intrusive in people’s lives.  You don’t have to stop what you are doing to take a text message and if you are busy (or sleeping like I do during the day) it does not interrupt you.  Our text messages to each other can be quite funny but when you put us in a group text?  Good lord.  The best things happen.

This particular text message started out because Seester was reading The Fabulist by Dawn Chiletz and in the first chapter she mentions a character with the same name as Bubby.  And in not a nice way but a hysterical one.  So Seester sends Bubby and I a pic of the pages of her kindle where Bubby’s name is used and I immediately start laughing.  Seriously it is that funny.  Especially since the main character of the book begins to describe the dick pic she received from Bubby’s namesake and then she makes fun of his name.  I immediately start laughing but the text message that follows those pictures?  Classic. Pretty sure not every sibling group can have a text message about ball sacks and testicles, but we did.  Only my siblings.

Bubby (after reading the pages Seester sent us):  What the hell?  Wait…that might be something I would do (referring to sending a dick pic)

Me:  I don’t want dick pics from my brother. Like ever.

Seester:  Me neither.  But reading that shit right away was pretty f***ing hilarious.

Bubby:  I’m gonna send pics of my balls to everyone!

Seester:  Oh dear Lord.

Me:  Only our brother would say that #fuckingweirdo.  This is the best group text ever.

Bubby (proceeds to insert a pic of a fake ballsack here.  I think it was one made of chocolate):  Don’t worry.  I only send real dick pics to BIL.

Seester:  So does that mean BIL sent you one he took the other night?

Me:  OMG.  I am dying.

Bubby:  He does have a weird thing about getting the proper angle and always wants my opinion on how it looks. Usually it is just of the twig and not the berries.

Me:  Omg.  I am crying.  Who names a kid your name anyways? (I now proceed to say a little rhyme with Bubby’s name in it that he hates).

Bubby:  I hate you.  Dude seriously.  It rhymes with dance and pants.  Thanks Mom.

Me:  I can’t even

Bubby (then proceeds to send the following pic with this caption): ‘Murica

1stgen-bb-home
Yes.  My Bubby sent us this.

At this point, I am laughing out loud in my house all by myself because I can just hear him saying “‘Murica” knowing how much we all hate that phrase.  This patriotic pic also came with a warning from our Bubby not to do a Google image search for the word ballsack. I decided to take his word on that one as I did nt need to be traumatized.  But then of course, I did anyways.  I should have heeded his warning.  Don’t do it.  I know you want to badly right now, but I am urging you not to…unless you too want to be traumatized with those weird pictures.   I might have shared one of those scary pics with my siblings in which I said it was the thing nightmares are made of.  Seester then proceeds to tell us about how a guy in college whipped out his grossly enlarged testicle for her to see and all I could wonder was whether or not other siblings had these type of text messages or if it was just us.  Also, my stomach hurt from laughing.  Oh but it didn’t stop there.

Seester:  He just whipped it out right there to show us his enlarged restive. Just randomly showed it to us.  *testicle…apparently my phone does not like that word.

Bubby:  Hahaha.  Enlarged restive. What the hell is that anyways?  Testicle.  My phone seems to have no such compunction, odd…

Me:  Testicle, testicle, testicle.  Mine either.

Seester:  Restive, restive, restive.  My autocorrect is a picky bitch.  Also, why is ballsack backpack the number one Google search for ball? (obviously she did not heed Bubby’s warning either)

Bubby:  WTF is that?  I don’t wanna know.  I told you not to Google that shit.

Seester:  Scrote N Tote.  I know what Bubby is getting for Christmas.

Me:  This is so happening.

Bubby:  I will kill you.  I hate you both.  Go away.

I might add here he sent us a cartoon pic of a ballsack with smiley faces on them with the caption “Sweet dreams”.  I can’t even begin to tell you how bad my stomach hurt from laughing or how many tears were running down my face at this point.  Leave it to my Bubby to end a text conversation with a happy cartoon drawing of a ballsack.

Go ahead.  I know you want to Google image search ballsack.  But don’t say we didn’t warn you. Oh and the Scrote N Tote?  Totally a real thing.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did have one of the funniest text conversations ever with my siblings that was entirely about dick pics and ballsacks but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who still might buy that Scrote N Tote for Bubby for Christmas Running.  The experiment continues…