The Fat Girl And Humidity….Two Things That Should NOT Mix

There are two things that do not go well together…..The Fat Girl and heat with humidity.  Unfortunately, these two things came together on this last visit to Disneyland because we chose to go in the summer.  It was gross.  You have to remember, we come from Arizona where there is not this thing called humidity.  I swear humidity makes it feel even hotter than without it.  I mean, yes, in Phoenix it can be over 100 degrees and feel like an oven but I can’t even imagine that temperature with humidity.  I am pretty sure that people could not survive.  Anticipating this change for us, BFF and I were somewhat prepared as we packed tank tops, light weight shirts, and no dark colors.  As we hit the park, however, I realized quite quickly that I was not prepared for what humidity would do to me.  These two things really should not mix.

It literally took just a few moments for me to feel the heat as we walked into the park.  It felt so oppressive.  I am pretty sure I started to sweat not too soon after we started walking to ride our first ride.  As the day wore on, it felt hotter and hotter, which meant one thing…I sweated more and more.  There was sweat in places there should not be sweat.  There was sweat in my fat rolls.  If you do not have fat rolls, then you do not understand how miserable this can make you feel.  You see, when your sweat gets in your fat rolls, you feel as if you are swimming in a pool of your own bodily secretions in places that should not feel wet.  Then there is the problem of what then happens….your shirt sticks to you and the excreted bodily function then leaves a most unpleasant wet spot on your clothes as if to say “Look here!  This is a Fat Girl and here is her fat roll!  Just in case you could not see it, I have conveniently outlined it for your viewing pleasure!”  It is really quite embarrassing.  As if I didn’t already feel fat enough with my shirt sticking to me, now there are wet spots outlining my fat rolls.  Just great.

Do you like how I even found a Disney meme?  I have some serious skills
Do you like how I even found a Disney meme? I have some serious skills

Another thing that happens when you are sweating like a whore in church, is that eventually you have to pee because you guzzling fluids like they are going out of style.  This requires somehow peeling off your denim capris that have now formed a sort of second skin to your legs.  I mean, I could have just peed through them I guess.  No one would have been the wiser.  Or even better, I should have gone and ridden a water ride and just peed my pants because really no one would have known.  Dang…why didn’t I think of that sooner?  After slowly extricating myself from my capris enough to go pee, I then had to get them back on.  I somehow managed to shimmy the fabric back up my fat thighs and went to go wash my hands and meet BFF only to discover that the fabric was not in the right place.  How in God’s green earth did that happen?  Holy cow they felt like they were giving me wedgies both in the front and in the back at the same time while turning my unders into a twisted mess that I could not gracefully pull out of my crack.  For shits sake.  I literally had to do some creative walking and almost had to go back into a stall to fix them so I wouldn’t be walking like my unders were twisted and up my butt crack all day.  Miserable I was.

We managed to find ways to try to keep cool which involved drinking lots of water, my favorite Dole Whip of course, a pitcher of frozen margaritas (which led to some shopping) and we even rode rides like Small World, which we normally avoid because that song gets stuck in your head the whole day (and now I have put it in yours and you are welcome) and they place all the lost children in there as dolls.  Why did we ride it?  Because it was air-conditioned.  I believe BFF and I both took a short nap on that ride, all the whole trying to cool off our armpits and offend everyone around us as our deodorant gave out hours before.  No joke.  BFF even said to me as we were standing in the cramped confined line of Peter Pan “I believe my deodorant gave out.  As did everyone else around us.  I can smell me and that is never very good.”  I just laughed because I felt the same and wasn’t sure if it was me or her or everyone else we were smelling at that point.  We even rode the roller coasters over and over as they created breezes to cool us off.  The worst was waiting in lines that didn’t have shade because that made it even hotter.  While waiting in line for the Matterhorn (which was 45 minutes), I left to go get us something to drink.  I walked over to Tomorrowland and found the best thing ever to drink when it is hot as Hades.  Frozen Lemonade.  I quickly bought 2 and walked back carrying two cups of frozen joy that would give us brain freeze but who cares.  BFF saw me and started rejoicing.  She might have squeed and jumped a little when she saw frozen lemonade.  Se even declared me a genius.  This blessedly cool drink kept us from melting and we waited in the line giving ourselves brain freeze and really wishing we could slather it on our bodies to cool off.  I think it is a reasonable thought to have!

Spoons?  We don't need no stinking spoons!
Spoons? We don’t need no stinking spoons!

Even though it was blessed hot and sticky and we stunk by the end of the day, it was such a fun trip.  If you have a chance to go while they are celebrating the 60th Anniversary of the park, then do so….you will not be disappointed!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that humidity and sweating do not make it easy to get your pants off to pee but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who hates to be sweaty and sticky but loves Dole Whip Running.  The experiment continues….