The Day Pocket Fiance Discovered I Am A Robot


One of the reasons we went to Disneyland this last trip was to see all the Star Wars:  Seasons of the Force stuff that Disney was putting out special for the geeky fans like us.  Remember how I told you that we went into a building where all these cool Star Wars exhibits were (and where upon exiting I learned I could fly)?  Well, at the top floor of this building was Super Hero HQ, since Disney owns Marvel, and we went up there to meet some Avengers and look at that stuff too.  I mean might as well, right?  It was in this moment that my future sister in law (AKA Pocket Fiance) discovered I am really a robot.

We went up and had our picture taken with Spider-Man first and that was pretty cool.  The cast members really get into these photo ops and some of them were dressed as Agents of Shield and were busy talking with us like they were really secret agents.  Spider-Man was pretty cool and played around with us while posing for photos.  Then as we walked around, we saw we could also meet Thor.  And who doesn’t want to meet Thor?  So we got in line and stood there before a door waiting to get to enter.  BFF and I had met Thor on a previous visit, but I had forgotten exactly what the whole experience was like, maybe because I was so excited to meet Thor.  Okay, I realize it isn’t the REAL Thor, but these photo ops are just as fun for adults as they are for kids.  The door opened and we were ushered into a small room with replicas of props they used in the movies (or artifacts from Thor’s planet, Asgard, as they were labeled).  We stood there wondering where Thor was and suddenly I realized we were actually shut in this tiny room.  That the door had been closed behind us.  Hmmmmm…..what the heck?   We all stood there, confused, looking at each other with might have been a little panic on mine and Pocket Fiance’s faces.

Suddenly, there was a voice above us.  A loud, booming voice stating he was Thor’s father Odin and that we were being taken to Asgard via the BiFrost (the bridge that connects our two planets).  I didn’t sign up for that.  I only signed up for a picture with Thor.  Interplanetary travel was not in the program.  We all started giggling (mine might have been nervous laughter) and Bubby might have said “What the hell Disney?” and then it happened.  Above us, what appeared as gas came out of the ceiling (I now know it was fog)and surrounded us with a loud hissing sound.  At this point, I was convinced we were in a Disney Gas Chamber and we were going to die.  I started to freak out just a bit.  Now let me explain something….sometimes when I freak out, I do this weird very sharp movement with my head that is almost bird like as I look around.  This is what I started doing as I was looking for an escape hatch to what I was sure was going to be my death in Disneyland.  I didn’t want to die trying to meet Thor and end up stuck as one of the dolls in the It’s a Small World ride singing that irritating song for eternity.  What type of living Hell would that be?  A horrible outcome I was sure was about to happen as I frantically looked above me in that robotic, bird like motion and tried not to inhale the Disney gas that was coming down around us.  Of course, that only induced a coughing fit which made BFF concerned my asthma was going to kick in and kill me.  I thought I really might get killed by this gas or my asthma would flare up so bad I couldn’t handle whatever was going on.  My slight freak out caused my future sister in law to burst into laughter as she also exclaimed “Are we being gassed?”  while I said “I think this might be a gas chamber” softly to my Bubby, who also burst into laughter.

As the gas/fog cleared, I looked up and standing before us in a large room that wasn’t there before (what kind of sorcery was this?  Disney magic?), with his arms up in the air, hammer in one of them was Thor.  His booming voice invited us into meet him and I stood there wondering if I was hallucinating from the gas.  It was the best experience I have ever had meeting a character at Disneyland.  Pocket Fiance is still giggling and BFF is shaking her head at me as we filed in to meet Thor. He even picked someone from the  group of people we were with to try and lift his hammer.  We got our pictures taken with Thor and left, finding ourselves still in the same building we were in before. I might have been a little sad we didn’t actually travel to Asgard, but I was grateful I did not end up as a creepy doll in It’s A Small World ride.  I would have been put back in the corner where Ireland has one doll and a leprechaun and been forced to sing that song out of my weird mechanical mouth.  As we left, I stated to everyone that I really did think that we were being gassed at one point and Pocket Fiance started laughing hysterically.  She said when she saw me freaking out that one thought went through her head:  “And on that day,  I learned my sister in law was a robot.”  This made all of us laugh even more hysterically because I can only imagine what I looked like to everyone else in that room/gas chamber.  Like a robot.

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The mighty Thor!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however take a trip to Asgard to meet Thor, in which I really thought we were trapped in Disney gas chamber, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who is NOT a robot despite what Pocket Fiance thinks Running.  The experiment continues….

I Believe I Can Fly and SURPRISE!!


Sometimes you discover new things about yourself through an event in your life.  It can be a minor event or a major one, or it can be a brief moment in time.  This is what happened to me when we went to Disneyland this past weekend for our annual We Hate Football So Who Cares About the Superbowl Trip.  In one fleeting moment, I discovered I was a superhero and could fly.

This trip was with Bubby and Pocket Fiance because of all the Star Wars: Seasons of the Force special stuff Disneyland has going on right now, so four little Geeks decided to make sure we got to see all the Star Wars things that were going on.  This included a special exhibit over in one of the buildings that contained props, movie clips, merchandise, and even photos with two characters from the movie.  We were super excited.  We could have spent a long time in this exhibit.  But one thing stopped us…the fullness of our bladders.  In the middle of meeting characters and looking at all things geeky, the girls all had to use the restroom.  So we went out to find the closest one to where we were located.  As we left the building, we had a conversation:

Me:  “Where is the nearest restroom anyways?”

BFF:  “I think by Space Mountain.  We are gonna have to sprint because I have to pee that bad.”

Disney Cast Member:  “Are you looking for the closest restroom?”

BFF:  “Yeah…by Space Mountain is the closest one.”

Disney Cast Member:  “You would be wrong.  There is one right around the corner.”

BFF:  “It’s like a secret restroom!  Score!” (she might have done a little dance or was just trying not to pee her pants)

As we walked down the steps to turn the corner, I stepped to avoid an older couple coming up the stairs.  As I did so, somehow, my right foot rolled underneath me.  And not just turned wrong.  It felt as though it turned completely backward and upside down.  I was waiting to hear a crack as I stumbled and tried to stay upright.  The pavement was coming straight for my head and all I could think was that I was going to face plant on the cement stairs and tumble down them, thereby ending our vacation as I would have suffered a severe head injury and broken bones.  I grabbed the banister as I flew through the air, did a pirouette type move, and might have remained airborne for a few moments.  I also might have thought “I CAN fly!” as I stumbled and tried to stay upright.  I heard Pocket Fiance gasp and say “OH NO!” and I heard BFF sharply intake her breath.  I stumbled through the air and down the stairs and somehow, I landed on both feet, a few stair steps down from where I started.  I turned and looked up at Pocket Fiance and BFF and saw the horror on their faces and the Cast Member starting towards me, so I looked down and saw my foot was still attached to my leg and was turned the correct way.  Whew.  It was still attached.  That would have been so gross if my foot was not attached to my body anymore or turned the wrong way like I had thought.  That would have put a damper on our vacation and might have turned Disneyland’s Star Wars exhibit into a real bloody battlefield.  Pretty sure I might have given the Cast Member who witnessed my flight a heart attack as well.  That would have been a mountain of paperwork for her.

I quickly tested out the ankle and even though it hurt, I was able to walk.   I have never seen people rush towards me so fast ever, as I was walking gingerly on my ankle towards the secret restroom. BFF and Pocket Fiance got on either side of me and BFF checked me out with her nursing skills.  She agreed my foot was still attached and she could not believe it.  I guess from where they were located behind me, it really did look like I flew through the air.  BFF told me she she actually thought I had broken not only my ankle, but also my leg and wanted to know how the hell I was still walking.  I had no idea.  I should have broken at least my ankle.  I should have fallen head first down cement stairs and gotten a head injury.  Instead, I was able to walk to the restroom…thank goodness.  My ankle was slightly tender the rest of the day, but strangely enough, there was no swelling or bruising.  Huh.  I guess I did fly for a few moments.  Also, all my classical ballet training must have come in handy.  Yippee for flexible joints!

One last thing….I met with Boss Bean while I was there and guess what?  Son of Sofa comes out on Sunday!!!  SURPRISE!!  Yes!  Valentine’s Day!  The perfect gift for that person in your life or you tell your sweetie that it will be here just in time!  No joke… it will finally be here for you all to read to your heart’s content.  I super hope all my readers love it and share the love.  Boss Bean told BFF and I that people were emailing her asking about when it is going to release and that also thrills me to no end.  This mean you all are just as excited as myself.  Feel free to download and share the graphic with everyone you know.  And feel free to share with me when you get your copy!  Post photos on my Facebook page or tag me on Instagram and Twitter!  I want to see you with my book!!  Whoot Whoot!

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Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  Instead, I discovered that I could fly and that I am super glad I was a ballerina in a past life but I didn’t die (or break anything either).  I am Fat Girl believing I can fly with a book coming out on Sunday Running.  The experiment continues….

 

The Unfortunate Flauta Incident


When BFF and I are in California for our DL trips, we like at least once (of course we would like more) to meet up with the Boss Bean, the C.E.O of Inknbeans, just to have a fun lunch and check in with her cuz we super like her….and she puts up with our brand of crazy.  Plus, I like to say I have a meeting with my publisher.  It makes me sound all important and authory and stuff.  This last trip. we made arrangements to meet up with her for some Mexican food at Tortilla Joe’s (our favorite Downtown Disney restaurant) and she told me to bring the whole crew along so we did…good thing BFFE and her brood didn’t mind.

I have to tell you that when I was having the conversation with Boss Bean about how many of us there were going to be, she didn’t even flinch.  She instead replied she would bring the funny hats.  When we showed up at the restaurant, Boss Bean had beat us (of course) and we met her inside to find gift bags at our seats.  What is this?  Boss Bean always follows through and yes…inside those gift bags were indeed funny hats!  Pirate hats and all the trimmings to decorate them.  Eye patches included.  Needless to say, it didn’t take us long to immediately start to decorate them appropriately and of course wear them.  Because if I took the time to decorate said pirate hat, then I was gonna wear the hat.  Plus, I have always said that DL is one of those places where anyone can wear a silly hat and no one even thinks twice about it.  It really is all about being a kid…big or small.  So pirates we all became during our meal.

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BFF makes a pretty awesome pirate with that hair. She didn’t want to mess up the bang.
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Nice eye patch BFFE!  So sexy…

BFF and I were sitting surrounding Boss Bean since she was at the head of the table so she got to be entertained by our brand of crazy.  I mean…we are pretty funny.  Just saying.  After stuffing tableside guacamole in our gobs, our lunches came and we all got to eating.  I was pretty proud that I got Book 3 to Boss Bean BEFORE the deadline and before going on vacation and BFF and I were discussing how much of a whip cracker she was while I was writing.  Boss Bean then brings up me doing a 4th book….wait…..you want another one?  HOLY SHIT.  Book 3 hasn’t even gone to editing and she already is talking about book 4?  How is this my life?  You mean this isn’t just a fluke?  I was flabbergasted to say the least.  As I was shoving food in my gob and sitting there stunned, that is when it happened….the unfortunate flauta incident.

Boss Bean and BFF were animatedly discussing book 4 while I sat there dumbfounded.  Here is how it went down:

Boss who turns to me and says:  “I am going to give you a deadline of next November for book 4 already so get writing.”

Me:  too stunned to say anything so I nod and shove more carnitas in my face.  I might have mumbled something.

BFF calmly shoveling carnitas into her mouth: “Oh good because I already have named the 4th book.”

Boss:  “You have?  Lay it on me.”  Here is where the crucial error occurred as Boss then took a bite of flauta.  Pretty sure you should never eat as BFF says she has an idea…just saying.

BFF matter of factly, her eyes wide and innocent: “Rise of the Recliner.  Pretty sure the recliner should also have a crown and scepter with it” She then shoved more food in her gob as if this was the most natural idea in the world to her.  I adore her.

I look up giggling, also knowing BFF was serious because she probably had been thinking up names for my next book knowing her, in time to see Boss Bean laugh and cover her mouth and nose with her napkin.  She is laughing hysterically and manages to tell us she snorted a piece of flauta up her nose.  This is why we can’t have nice things BFF!!  Luckily all was well and said flauta did not come shooting across the room to ping some poor inncocent unawares customer in the forehead or ricochet off the wall to land in some tableside guacamole.  Also, no Boss Bean was hurt in the naming of book 4.  Despite the unfortunate flauta incident, we all had a grand time with lots of laughs and good food.  I am always lucky when I get to spend time with Boss Bean….she is good people.  And she puts up with me and BFF….that is saying a lot.

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Boss Bean doesn’t like to be in the photos (we included her pirate hat to prove she was there) so she took the photo even if BFFE looks like she drank too much rum…

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however wonder if Boss Bean might as she snorted flauta up her nose but I didn’t die (and neither did Boss Bean thnak goodness).  I am Fat Girl with a BFF you really should not eat around while she is talking Running.  The experiment continues….

 

 

 

 

Mommas Don’t Let Your Children Grow Up to be Assholes


I know I have discussed before about how sometimes BFF and I run into parents at DL that are…well not so nice? Ok Ok…really they are assholes, plain and simple. It seems no matter where you go or how pleasant you are, you always seem to run into some sort of asshole that feels the world owes them a favor. This time, however, it was parents who were also doing a smash bang up job of also teaching their children to be assholes. I mean , really, do you want to teach them this type of behavior? I vote no. So, Mommas, don’t let your children grow up to be assholes.

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The Griswolds ready to party! Halloween party that is….

This all happened the night of the Halloween party while we were at DL.  If you have never done a Halloween party at DL, then you should…at least once.  They are quite epic I tell you.  Special fireworks, parades, trick or treating and villians….ah yes the villians.  I might add that I did see my beloved Maleficent again this year but I did not crush any small children to get to her (ok maybe one or two but they were in my way!)  I was unable to get up close and personal with her again this year…maybe they remembered me being a complete spaz last time and saw me coming. They quickly called for her carriage and she left but before she left, BFF and I did get this epic selfie:

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Most epic selfie ever.

We knew we wanted to watch the parade for 2 reasons: it was the new Paint the Night parade and the kiddos we were with had never watched one. So knowing this and also being aware that you need to sit for a parade well in advance if you want a good seat, about an hour ahead, 3 of us decided to stake out seats on Main Street right on a curb. To be honest, the 3 of us that chose to sit were worn out at this point and actually looked forward to the break. We practically collapsed onto the curb and I didn’t even care if I sat lady like in my Wonder Woman dress at that point. BFFE took the kids trick or treating in the park (which is an amazing experience in itself) while we three sat and zoned out like zombies and people watched for awhile. I don’t even think we said anything to each other for quite awhile. A cast member came up and told us we did not have to sit so early on Halloween party nights, but I was pretty happy just sitting at that point so we all sat. Plus, we knew what would happen if we left those seats. They would be gone. I loved just sitting and watching all the cool costumes and BFF and I proceeded to enjoy some root beer floats as well….as you can see by this lovely snapchat (add me already!):

A little while later, it started to fill up with other families waiting to see the parade as well. We had put jackets and such to save spots for the three that were out trick or treating, but that did not stop some parent from shoving her child right into those spots. I turned around and politely told her we were saving those spots she gave me a death stare, mumbled something under her breath and loudly told her child he needed to move since he was “not allowed” to sit there. She literally then placed him and several of his friends directly behind us. Luckily, BFFE and the kiddos came back soon after and sat down, making the kids move back a bit. As it got closer, I looked down and saw that BFFE’s son was squatting next to the curb instead of sitting on it. Why? Because these kids had literally crowded him out until he could not sit there anymore. When BFFE told him to scoot back and she asked the kids to move, the one kid told us his Mom told him to scoot up till he could see. BFFE kindly and calmly asked him to move and then told the Mom her child was sitting there. The Mom rolled her eyes and muttered under her breath…again. Pretty sure we were looking at another showdown as these kids were just as much assholes as their parents. I was prepared to hold shoes, earrings and stand behind people saying “Yeah! What she said”…since we all know I am good at that in a fight. The kids kept pushing on us, blowing bubbles on us, and stepping on our costumes. These might have been attempts to get us to move but it did not work. The parent kept making rude comments about how we took up the seating for kids but we ignored them. Get to the parade early assholes. There are other ways to not be an asshole, like better planning on your part. But thanks for teaching your kids how to be assholes.  That is always so appreciated by those around them.  Luckily, the parade started and in the excitement, all was forgotten, except for when I got hit in the head repeatedly by a little Tinkerbell who was super excited she was seeing Belle. I get it kid….I get that excited too when I see them.

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Cutest Superheroes around!!

Oh yeah….I didn’t die today. I did, however, almost have a showdown at another parade but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl asking you please not teach your children to be assholes Running. The experiment continues….

Getting Older Sucks Ass


As my birthday came and went this month, I started thinking about what it means to get older.  I mean, there is the obvious body changes and such, but really what does it mean?  It means things might be a little harder than they used to be….or your get up and go has run away and you wanna spend all day on the couch.  Different things hurt in ways that they didn’t use to and your medicine cabinet becomes filled with different items than before.  One of the things I have noticed that has gotten different over the last few years is traveling.

BFF and I usually travel several times a year to DL and I as I was packing for the latest trip, I realized how much my packing has changed.  When BFF and I first started going to DL, I would just throw my clothes and other stuff in a suitcase.  I mean, do you really need much more?  At that time I didn’t think so.  Just clothes and toiletries was all I ever packed.  The millions of miles we walked around the park was never an issue and sometimes we went full speed ahead for several days.  The only thing I used to pack besides my epi pen and inhaler was dramamine in case I got some motion sickness, which sometimes bothers me.  Hence why I do not ride the Cups O’Vomit AKA The Teacups.  Because otherwise I would end up vomiting all over some other unsuspecting family.  Nobody wants to be vomited on while having fun and if you do then that is some sort of sick fetish that I want no part of. It is my worst nightmare that I will get vomited on during a ride.  Absolute worst nightmare.

A few years ago, I began putting some other medications in my bag for DL.  Motrin, Tylenol and blister bandaids.  Because I learned how important those were at the 3 day walk and I always want to save my tootsies.  I mean we do walk on average about 10 miles a day or more when we are there.  I started noticing some aches and pains I had not noticed before like my back and hip from all the walking.  After my kidney was an asshole (once while I was in Texas if you recall), then I started packing prescription pain and nausea medications with me just in case it decided to be an asshole while I am there as well.  I mean, I know DL has its own EMS and nursing staff,  but I don’t plan on ever utilizing this particular service.  That would be a not so fun ride.  After BFF threw out her back a few trips ago, we also started packing Thermacare wraps and pain patches because that sucked for her and the gift shops at the park do not carry those things unfortunately.  However, they do carry Ben Gay ointment in case you wanted to smell like little old person while you are there.  Fat Girl FYI.

Which brings me to what I noticed while packing for this last trip.  I noticed not only the meds in a special bag in my suitcase, but also the large Ziplock baggie full of heat patches, thermacare wraps and a tens unit that can be used on shoulders, knees and backs. I looked at this and thought “OMG.  This is what getting old and traveling looks like.” I now have a whole section in my suitcase dedicated to old person ailments and creams and such. I shall name it Fat Old Person Section. I also might have included some Ben Gay cuz I don’t mind the little old lady smell if it helps me not hurt after walking 10 miles plus while there.  I have come to accept that fact that my body is getting older and I have things that hurt when we walk that far, like my back and hips.  I mean, this is why we take breaks and sit and eat things like Dole Whip and people watch.  I shook my head and closed my suitcase, resigned to the old person section in it.  When BFF and I were on the road and I told her what I had noticed, she laughed and said “I have all that PLUS a heating pad!”  Great minds and all that….

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however realize that as you get older, you start to make an old person section in your suitcase but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who might sometimes smell like little old lady from Ben Gay Running.  The experiment continues…

PSA: Don’t Let BFF Get Hangry


There is one thing I have learned when traveling with BFF over the years….you have got to feed her.  For reals.  Otherwise she gets hangry.  Do you know what hangry is?  It is when you get hungry and then you get angry and then you snip and snap and are hangry.  It truly is a fine line.  One minute you are fine and the next…boom….hangry.  Nasty things can be said in this state of being hangry.  Take a look at this nice Venn diagram…I love Venn diagrams.  I feel like these can explain just about anything and so simply.

Because who doesn't love a good Ven diagram?
Because who doesn’t love a good Venn diagram?

BFF and I like to eat and usually we are very aware when one of us is getting hangry or needs to eat.  For some reason, on this last trip to DL, I was unable to tell that BFF needed to be fed.  Poor BFF.

We went on our usual Halloween trip and BFFE and her family came with us again like they did 2 years ago after my baby box was ripped from my body.  This year, it was unseasonably hot.  I mean it was in the 90’s most days.  BFF and I ended up wearing tank tops and capris and didn’t even touch our jackets.  Usually, it is t-shirt and jeans with hoodies.  I would have died of heat stroke if I had worn that this time around.  There is something you should know about BFFE….she is a super FAST walker.  Like faster than BFF (if that is possible).  I am more like Baymax from Big Hero 6….I am not fast.  I am sure it is cuz my fat slows me down. Fat Girls just are not fast.  There is always a lot of walking when we are there, but we walked on average of 13 miles a day this time!  A half marathon each day!  It was crazy.  I felt like all we did was walk back and forth between parks…..we did not plan well to say the least.  We also did not plan meals very well besides those that we had reservations for.   That was the mistake.

On one day, we ate a nice breakfast and then got started in the park.  It was like Lord of the Rings (or Lord of the Walking as I call it) were they walk and walk and walk and walk and walk…..you get the picture.  I mean we ended up walking 55 miles this trip.  Almost as much as the 3 day event.  I think we might have stopped for churros at one point…because churros.  Not quite sure what it is, but the churros at DL are some of the best around.  Maybe they are sprinkled with pixie dust or something but dang…they are delicious.  But I know we didn’t have lunch that day.  Mistake #2.  The heat and the lack of food made all of us a crabby or in BFF’s case hangry and yet we kept walking.  Snipping a little at each other and having fun, but hangry.  I didn’t notice the signs and I should have.

Stop! I't churro time!  BFF might be getting hangry here....oh wait....nope.  That is just her face.
Stop! It’s churro time! BFF might be getting hangry here….oh wait….nope. That is just her face.

It got to be late in the evening and we decided to finally stop walking and grab some dinner.  I was relieved because I was starving.  A Fat Girl has got to eat.  I mean, I don’t keep up my shapely figure by not eating.  Just saying.  And I love to eat at DL.  Plus, my body hurt so bad and I really needed to sit.  So, I ordered BFF and I a couple of burgers and fries (onion rings for me).  We sat and started eating.  I was so busy savoring my burger that I didn’t look up or talk for awhile and I noticed BFF did not either.  When I finally did look up, BFF was literally shoveling fries into her gob as fast as she could.  Like she had been a POW in a camp somewhere and had just gotten out and been given a meal.  I don’t think I have ever seen her eat so fast (except for the Popcorn Incident of 2015 where she slapped my hand out of the bucket) and you would think she was never going to get another meal again.  I started laughing uncontrollably as did BFFE’s Hubby.  We could not help it.  BFF looked up at me and stated “You HAVE to feed me!!!”  I am sorry my dear BFF….you are right.  I do need to feed you.  Here is evidence of how tired and hangry we had been….these snapchat videos are hysterical (and you SHOULD be following me there —->ladymiryaa)

So there you have it….don’t let BFF get hangry and if you do, by all means gie her fries.  She likes them.  I adore her.  Consider this your Fat Girl PSA of the day.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did walk enough miles to walk a half marathon every day we were there and mistakenly let BFF get hangry but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a BFF who likes fries Running.  The experiment continues….

The Fat Girl And Humidity….Two Things That Should NOT Mix


There are two things that do not go well together…..The Fat Girl and heat with humidity.  Unfortunately, these two things came together on this last visit to Disneyland because we chose to go in the summer.  It was gross.  You have to remember, we come from Arizona where there is not this thing called humidity.  I swear humidity makes it feel even hotter than without it.  I mean, yes, in Phoenix it can be over 100 degrees and feel like an oven but I can’t even imagine that temperature with humidity.  I am pretty sure that people could not survive.  Anticipating this change for us, BFF and I were somewhat prepared as we packed tank tops, light weight shirts, and no dark colors.  As we hit the park, however, I realized quite quickly that I was not prepared for what humidity would do to me.  These two things really should not mix.

It literally took just a few moments for me to feel the heat as we walked into the park.  It felt so oppressive.  I am pretty sure I started to sweat not too soon after we started walking to ride our first ride.  As the day wore on, it felt hotter and hotter, which meant one thing…I sweated more and more.  There was sweat in places there should not be sweat.  There was sweat in my fat rolls.  If you do not have fat rolls, then you do not understand how miserable this can make you feel.  You see, when your sweat gets in your fat rolls, you feel as if you are swimming in a pool of your own bodily secretions in places that should not feel wet.  Then there is the problem of what then happens….your shirt sticks to you and the excreted bodily function then leaves a most unpleasant wet spot on your clothes as if to say “Look here!  This is a Fat Girl and here is her fat roll!  Just in case you could not see it, I have conveniently outlined it for your viewing pleasure!”  It is really quite embarrassing.  As if I didn’t already feel fat enough with my shirt sticking to me, now there are wet spots outlining my fat rolls.  Just great.

Do you like how I even found a Disney meme?  I have some serious skills
Do you like how I even found a Disney meme? I have some serious skills

Another thing that happens when you are sweating like a whore in church, is that eventually you have to pee because you guzzling fluids like they are going out of style.  This requires somehow peeling off your denim capris that have now formed a sort of second skin to your legs.  I mean, I could have just peed through them I guess.  No one would have been the wiser.  Or even better, I should have gone and ridden a water ride and just peed my pants because really no one would have known.  Dang…why didn’t I think of that sooner?  After slowly extricating myself from my capris enough to go pee, I then had to get them back on.  I somehow managed to shimmy the fabric back up my fat thighs and went to go wash my hands and meet BFF only to discover that the fabric was not in the right place.  How in God’s green earth did that happen?  Holy cow they felt like they were giving me wedgies both in the front and in the back at the same time while turning my unders into a twisted mess that I could not gracefully pull out of my crack.  For shits sake.  I literally had to do some creative walking and almost had to go back into a stall to fix them so I wouldn’t be walking like my unders were twisted and up my butt crack all day.  Miserable I was.

We managed to find ways to try to keep cool which involved drinking lots of water, my favorite Dole Whip of course, a pitcher of frozen margaritas (which led to some shopping) and we even rode rides like Small World, which we normally avoid because that song gets stuck in your head the whole day (and now I have put it in yours and you are welcome) and they place all the lost children in there as dolls.  Why did we ride it?  Because it was air-conditioned.  I believe BFF and I both took a short nap on that ride, all the whole trying to cool off our armpits and offend everyone around us as our deodorant gave out hours before.  No joke.  BFF even said to me as we were standing in the cramped confined line of Peter Pan “I believe my deodorant gave out.  As did everyone else around us.  I can smell me and that is never very good.”  I just laughed because I felt the same and wasn’t sure if it was me or her or everyone else we were smelling at that point.  We even rode the roller coasters over and over as they created breezes to cool us off.  The worst was waiting in lines that didn’t have shade because that made it even hotter.  While waiting in line for the Matterhorn (which was 45 minutes), I left to go get us something to drink.  I walked over to Tomorrowland and found the best thing ever to drink when it is hot as Hades.  Frozen Lemonade.  I quickly bought 2 and walked back carrying two cups of frozen joy that would give us brain freeze but who cares.  BFF saw me and started rejoicing.  She might have squeed and jumped a little when she saw frozen lemonade.  Se even declared me a genius.  This blessedly cool drink kept us from melting and we waited in the line giving ourselves brain freeze and really wishing we could slather it on our bodies to cool off.  I think it is a reasonable thought to have!

Spoons?  We don't need no stinking spoons!
Spoons? We don’t need no stinking spoons!

Even though it was blessed hot and sticky and we stunk by the end of the day, it was such a fun trip.  If you have a chance to go while they are celebrating the 60th Anniversary of the park, then do so….you will not be disappointed!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that humidity and sweating do not make it easy to get your pants off to pee but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who hates to be sweaty and sticky but loves Dole Whip Running.  The experiment continues….