How I Almost Became a Yeti Snack


Recently, BFF and I did a thing. We went to Florida and Walt Disney World for the first time! Well, technically, it was not my first time as I had been as a small child, but I do not really remember any of it. So, when I got invited to be a part of the Shameless book signing, we decided to make a vacation and spend a week out in Florida playing as only the two of us could play at all the parks. By all, I really do mean all. Go home or go big, right? We really had no idea what to expect having never been there before and had no idea that people plan their fast passes out in advance. We just decided to go with the flow and grab whatever fast passes for rides that we could on the day we were in the parks. BFF and I are pretty laid back and really just wanted to experience the parks. Little did I know, one of the rides would be one of the most terrifying and thrilling rides I have ever been on.

We decided to hit Animal Kingdom as a half day as I had the book signing to get to that night. WOW. We totally underestimated how amazing Animal Kingdom truly is. Next time, we have decided to spend a full day there as it exceeded our expectations. I was in awe over all there was to see and do. Once we were in the park, we were able to grab a fast pass for a ride called Expedition Everest. We had no idea what the ride was or what was going to happen when we rode it. We decided to walk towards it and see what it was. As we approached, we saw what looked to like the Matterhorn and we were excited to see that Expedition Everest was a roller coaster as we both love coasters. I was a little apprehensive as I do not like the unknown but I was also excited.

The scene as we walked up to what would soon be the source of terror and panic

As we got in line to ride the ride, I convinced myself that this was some sort of take on the Matterhorn at Disneyland so there must be a Yeti. Oh the Yeti. I have a love hate relationship with that Yeti. I love the story and the atmosphere of the Matterhorn, but I truly hate how terrified the Yeti makes me feel. No really terror is how that Yeti makes me feel. It is dumb, I know. But all his growling and the darkness and the fast jerky movements of the Matterhorn makes the little girl in me terrified. I would even close my eyes as we approached where I knew the old school Yeti to be stationed before the ride was refurbished.  Now with the new scarier upgraded Yeti, it is even worse.  I have no idea why the Yeti terrifies me so much but it really does.  And we will not even talk about how much riding the Matterhorn at night makes me panic but I do it anyways.  So my panic over the unknown of Expedition Everest was now rising with the thought of the Yeti being in the ride as well. It was a panic mixed with excitement of the coaster and I was anxious to ride it and see what it was like.

We climbed into our train car and I could already tell my anxiety was rising. The story in the ride line definitely told the story of the Yeti so I was hoping he would not be in the ride scaring me. But something told me he would be. Damn. We climbed in and I got ready. As the ride took off into a huge hill, my panic and fear also included not knowing what was going to happen and I started my nervous giggling that BFF finds hilarious. She knew I was nervous and just told me it would be okay, patting my hand like I was a small child. Then the ride took off down the hill and I was left screaming and laughing as I saw the signs of the Yeti flashing by me at high speeds. Oh no.  I was right.  Then, all of a sudden, the ride stopped. I mean a dead stop.  At the top of the mountain, the track in front of us was all mangled.  It was obvious the Yeti was to blame for the destruction. Having the ride at a complete stop made my panic rise even higher. I turned to BFF and this conversation happened:

Me (in a panic filled voice which might have been an octave higher): “Is this normal? Is the ride supposed to stop? Why is the track mangled? What is happening? Am I going to die? Is the Yeti going to eat me?”

BFF: “Why are you asking me? I have never ridden this either!”

Stranger in front of us turns around all excited: “OH YEAH! This is totally normal! We are about to plunge backward into total darkness as the Yeti chases us!”

Me (now totally terrified and my eyes popping out of my head): “WHAAAAAAAAT?”

BFF to total stranger: “Um, thanks for absolutely terrifying my best friend. So glad you didn’t say anything before we got on!”

And then I was plunged to my doom backwards in the dark without any warning with the growling Yeti chasing us and I am sure all BFF could hear was my total screams of terror. The ride stopped again in a few seconds. In a cave. A Yeti cave. WTF. This was the worst ride in the history of rides. What is going to happen? Is the Yeti going to come up out of this cave and take me into his lair to be his next snack? Why Disney why? First the almost gassing when I met Thor and now I was to be devoured by the Yeti in some cave in Animal Kingdom? Disney why you got to be like this? Luckily I did not have time to do anything but leave my screams of panic and terror in the cave as the ride quickly continued. Thank goodness I was not to be a Yeti snack. This time.

As the ride came to an end, BFF turned to me with her smile of glee and saw the fear, panic and tears on my face (which in reality were from the speed of the coaster and not my sheer terror of the Yeti) and she immediately was like “OH NO! Are you okay?” Shakily as the adrenaline of the ride surged through my veins, I replied “That was fun! And so scary! I hate the Yeti! I thought I was going to be eaten!” and I meant it. I really did enjoy it, terror and all. The total stranger that had been in front of us was laughing as she climbed out of the car, probably at my screams throughout most of the ride as BFF again thanked her for not telling me about the ride in advance. I walked out of the ride, my limbs feeling like jello from the adrenaline and fear, my heart racing, and I actually was clutching my chest as BFF and I discussed how fun the ride was even though I secretly thought the Yeti might still be behind me waiting to eat me. I might have sneaked a look behind me when BFF wasn’t looking just to be sure. Damn Yeti.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did almost have a panic attack on a ride at Animal Kingdom because of the Yeti but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who was almost a Yeti snack Running. The experiment continues…

Weirdos At The Theater


BFF and I love to go see live musicals and one of our favorites is Newsies.  If you remember, we saw it over a year ago and had a weird experience where people in Tucson didn’t dress up.  At all.  Well, when we heard it was coming back, we got tickets to the show in Phoenix (AKA the Devil’s Butthole) and were super excited to go.  So we planned a trip and decided to throw in a baseball game while we were down there.  In case you didn’t know, both of us are huge baseball fanatics so we can’t pass up a chance to see one live if we have the opportunity, especially to see the Arizona Diamondbacks play.  Even if it meant a couple of days in the Devil’s Butthole.  But baseball and Newsies with my BFF?  A good time had by all…till we ran into weirdos at the theater.

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Aren’t we the cutest baseball fans ever?  Pretty sure.

The baseball game was great as expected because baseball.  Even though we lost to the Dodgers, we had a great time.  We ate some amazing food and had fun with all the people around us and then walked back to our hotel.  The next night was Newsies and we were so excited to see it again.  If you haven’t seen this one, you really really should.  Disney does an amazing job with musicals and this one is no exception.  So, BFF and I got dressed up appropriately in nice dresses and went to the theater.  This is where the weirdness began.  Is there some unspoken rule now that people don’t dress up for the theater anymore?  I mean, we were not in fancy dresses because it was a mid week show, but we were still in nicer dresses.  People were in shorts and flip-flops, jeans and t-shirts, even kids were in every day sloppy clothes.  The exception was the one little guy we saw all dressed up in a Newsies costume, which was AWESOME!  We should have taken a photo of him because he was so adorable, complete with Newsies bag for papers and all.  Seriously adorable and obviously a fan.  Also, ladies…when you were a dress, make sure your bits and pieces are covered.  I do not need to see most of your arse while we are at the theater. So many girls had on the shortest dresses.  Please save that for other events, like hooking on the street.  I guess I don’t get it.  I was always taught that you dress up for things like the theater or the ballet.  Apparently, when it is hot out, people in Phoenix don’t do that either.  I still feel that you shouldn’t wear shorts and flip flops and a golf visor on your head to the theater.  Nope.  Have some respect and wear at least church clothes, especially when you pay good money to see a Broadway show or a ballet.  Although BFF did point out that some of those people might wear exactly that to church.  Am I just old-fashioned?

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Appropriately dressed for a Broadway show.  Bits and pieces covered.

Once in our seats, BFF and I started looking through our playbills and talking about how excited we were to see the show.  We were there early, so for a bit, our seats around us were empty.  Some ladies soon showed up and one larger girl took the seat next to BFF.  And by took the seat, I mean she almost sat on BFF.  No, wait.  She did sit upon her at first.  So there is poor BFF scooted over as far as she can get in her seat towards me and the gal sitting next to her has turned to talk to her friend and in doing so, pushes up against BFF even more.  Really?  Are you kidding me?  I realize that she was a bigger girl, but so am I and I don’t sit upon people or squish them!  BFF is quite perturbed at this point and quietly I offer to switch her seats but she shakes her head.  I think we were hoping the gal would notice she was practically sitting on top of her.  Nope.  She sure as heck did not notice.  Squishy Lady just kept on talking and then she flipped her hair.  Right in BFF’s face.  BFF was now quite done and said to her in a polite yet bitchy tone “Excuse me but you just flipped your hair right in my face.”  OH!  Now the lady noticed she was sitting right on top of her and moved and apologized.  Thank goodness.  Otherwise BFF would have been squished right up against me for the entire show.  I was afraid she would be trapped there all night, unable to pee, drink water or even breathe.  I might have had to rescue her if the lady had not moved.  We even snapchatted about it quietly (Follow me there for fun stuff!  Snapchat name:  ladymiryaa).  BFF was finally free of the Squishy Lady next to her and we settled back to talk a bit before the show started.  And that is when I noticed the guy sitting next to me.

I hadn’t noticed him before because I was plotting on how to free BFF from the Squishy Lady so that my BFF wouldn’t be a squished little pancake BFF.  But after the Squishy Lady quit squishing her, I reached down to get some water to drink and noticed the man next to me.  The man who had removed his shoes.  Excuse me?  Is this real?  Yes, you read that right.  He had removed his shoes.  And not flip-flops, regular dress shoes.  So, there he sat in his nice dress clothes and his socks.  Hello!  You are not at home in front of your TV.  You are at the theater.  With other people.  You can’t just remove your shoes and fill the theater with your foot funk.  I nudged BFF and tilted my head at the Socked Wonder sitting next to me.  She looked down and then at me in horror and disgust.  Have I mentioned we both hate feet?  Seriously he had his shoes off!  I mean what the heck.  Who does that?  BFF quietly leans towards me and says “You win.  That is disgusting.”  Yahoo?  I won!  Not sure that I wanted to win that competition of having the worst weirdo sitting next to me at the theater, but I did.  Ugh.

Despite the weirdos at the theater, BFF and I had a great time in the Devil’s Butthole for a couple of days.  And go see Newsies!  Hopefully you won’t have your own version of Squishy Lady and Socked Wonder at your show.  And please, for my sake, dress nicely and cover your bits and pieces.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that people are weirdos at the theater but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who doesn’t squish people or take off her shoes at the theater Running.  The experiment continues…

Elk Are Assholes


As I previously wrote, I love to spoil The Reds when they come to visit me, so BFF and I decided a trip to Bearizona was for sure in order.  I mean, what is not to love about wild animals that you can drive past slowly?  That doesn’t scream danger at all in any shape or form.  The girls love going there and I have a year pass, so we loaded us all in my car and took off to get up close and personal with some wildebeests.  Little did I know that this trip would be quite the up close and personal adventure with an asshole elk.

Let me first tell you that I have this little obsession with Disney antenna toppers for my car.  I am religious about changing them out for every holiday and any time I feel like it.  I have them for just about any occasion.  At the time of our trip to Bearizona, I had a Disney castle on my antenna because we are about to go there in 2 weeks.  This particular topper was a gift and was brand new….and it is no longer in my possession after this trip thanks to a certain asshole elk.  For real…an elk.  And for the record, elk are assholes.

I know that animals can come up to your car while driving through Bearizona….remember the bear that tried to climb on Bubby’s car?  So there we are, minding our own business just driving along making noises, talking to animals (you can have your windows down except where there are bears and wolves), commenting on them and we drive into a new part of the park which contains deer and elk.  The girls get all excited because there are a bunch of deer all around us and they are from the city.  Then we see him….the asshole elk.  He is up against the car in front of us, possibly peeing on it, we weren’t sure, but he was definitely curious about the SUV.  Now, if you don’t know anything about elk, well, they are GINORMOUS.  You for sure don’t wanna hit one of these creatures with your car, because you will be seriously fucked up.  I have seen some gnarly accidents from elk.  And I don’t even think this asshole was fully grown.

Can you see how big this asshole is?  We couldn't decide if he was trying to pee on that SUV or not....
Can you see how big this asshole is? We couldn’t decide if he was trying to pee on that SUV or not….and look….he brought friends

After a few minutes, this asshole elk decides he is gonna check out the next car….ours.  I thought I could maybe avid this by slowly pulling forward, but no.  His asshole friends, the deer, surrounded us and I could do nothing but sit there and witness the carnage that was about to happen.  First, the elk walked all around my car, sniffing, peeing, who knows what he was doing, but he for sure pushed it several times with his head.  I am not gonna lie.  It was slightly terrifying to me.  All I could think was to please don’t turn over my car.  I don’t wanna call Bestie and tell her that we got into an accident because some asshole elk decided to push my car over and injure her babies.  There was lots of screaming (I am not sure if it was scary or funny to everyone else) and excited talking going on as the asshole elk rounded the passenger side of the car.  Then it happened.  Carnage.  Destruction.  The asshole elk spied my castle antenna topper and thought it would make a good snack.  He literally put my whole car antenna in his mouth, plucked off the castle and started chewing it…all the while looking at me like “What?  You gonna do something about it?  Fuck your castle.  It tastes like fucking pixie dust and I like it.”  We sat there, still unable to move, with more screaming from the Reds and watched the asshole elk chew on the castle and stare at us.  A few minutes later, he decided it was inedible and spit it on the ground as if to say “That is what I think of your fucking inedible castle. Why am I not in Neverland?”  As I was lamenting over the loss of my castle, Big Red stated “Well, it is just right there Nina but it looks a little covered in elk slime.”  There was no way in hell I was gonna get out of my car to get it so we all just looked at the slimy version of my castle in the dirt.  I then cursed asshole elk for taking my new antenna topper to which he replied by blowing snot all over the side window and started licking the back one.  This is where BFF pointed out that his asshole deer friends had left and we pulled away slowly, leaving the asshole elk to torture the truck behind us.  The castle had fallen and was left behind in ruins and elk slime.  Ew.  Asshole.

Asshole elk right after he nudged my car and started walking around it to get to what he thought was a tasty treat
Asshole elk right after he nudged my car and started walking around it to get to what he thought was a tasty treat
“Tastes like fucking pixie dust”

After leaving the asshole elk behind, the rest of the day was filled with the adventure of discovering new things like how one of the badgers does not like polka-dotted umbrellas and they make a hissing sound when pissed off (don’t ask how we know this…).  It also ended with a trip to our favorite pie place in town where we gorged ourselves on giant slices of pie.  Because pie.  Do we need another reason?  I will be sad someday if my Reds ever tell me they don’t want to go to Bearizona because I love going there and spending time with them.  They are my favorite Reds of all times….and we have grand adventures.

Does it get any cuter than this?  Pretty sure it does not
Does it get any cuter than this? Pretty sure it does not

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that elk are assholes and I really should make sure my antenna topper is off my car next time I go to Bearizona, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a close encounter with an asshole elk who thought my castle would taste like fucking pixie dust Running.  The experiment continues….