This week I expelled a demon. No really. I mean I am pretty sure that is what happened. It for sure felt that way and might not have been a real demon. But you don’t know. Don’t judge me for thinking that I had a demon living inside me after what happened. It really could have been. I have watched enough Supernatural to know that expelling a demon can be quite a messy business. But, what I didn’t know was how painful it can be.
It started out with me waking up and feeling rotten. I mean super rotten. My stomach hurt and I was trying to sleep for work, but the pain would not stop. I laid in bed, wondering what the heck was wrong. I do have some trouble with my gut in general, but this felt out of the norm, even for me. Then the abdominal cramps and nausea hit me. Ugh. The worst. Let me clue you in on something. There are two things I hate the most. Sore throats and nausea. Sore throats…what the heck are those and why. Why does your throat have to sometimes feel like you ae swallowing razor blades every time you swallow? Never mind trying to drink or eat, or even sometimes talk. There is no need for that. It’s not like you can sit there and not swallow your own saliva at all. I mean, I guess you could and wear a bib and just let it all drool out onto yourself, but that might be frowned upon in public. Or you could pretend you are a loose mental patient and just wander around drooling and making noises since you can’t talk due to the razor blades that are in your throat. Totally doable. As you can tell, I really do not have a very good tolerance to a sore throat and even less for nausea. I can deal with abdominal cramping because I would much rather poop up a storm than vomit. Vomiting is the worst. So there I was, trying to figure out what the heck I ate and then realizing I hadn’t eaten anything since like 4pm the day before. That was 16 hours prior to all of this starting. There is no way this is food poisoning. Food poisoning, for those who do not know, has about a three-hour window where you get sick. I was trying to figure out if this was an ulcer attack when I had to jump up and run for the restroom. Luckily, it didn’t start out as vomiting, if you catch my drift. I thought to myself “while this is not pleasant and feels like fire water coming out of my butthole, I can handle this. This is ok. I can pee fire water out of my butt.” I seriously would so much rather have fiery water coming out of me with cramping, then hugging the toilet bowl and vomit. I could take something to stop it and still work. All right I got this.
I got back in bed and took something to help with the cramping and such and fell back asleep for about an hour. Then, the obvious creature dwelling inside me decided to stir. Holy crap. It was that moment when you can’t decide what is going to be worse, waiting for the nausea to pass or just vomit. I decided to try to wait it out and took another form of medication called Zofran to help. 20 minutes later, everything took a horrible awful turn. I ended up running for the toilet, grabbing a hair clip to pull back my hair and just in time getting my necklace off. If you have long hair, you get it. Nothing worse than your hair ending up in the toilet bowl while you are dying. As I knelt there on my bathroom floor emptying my stomach contents in a violent fashion, the wort decision of my life happened. Can I stop vomiting long enough to get my butt on the toilet? Nope. Totally did not happen. It was like that scene in the movie Bridesmaids where the bride with uncontrollable diarrhea says “It’s happening. I am shitting in the street.” So that happened. Worst thing ever to have absolutely no control over what is coming out of either end of your body at the same time. Humiliating. This went on for hours. I didn’t even fell like I could leave the bathroom. Work was out of the question. In fact, I decided to lay on my bathroom floor, sans chonies, because why bother at that point if it was going to come out both ends at the same time. I pulled a towel down to lay on and wondered what the heck I did to deserve this. Then it hit me. This is a demon. I am expelling a demon. Has to be it. There is no other explanation. Totally what it is. Has to be. A demon. Yup.
Now, you have to realize, at this point I am delirious with pain, dehydration and have taken even more anti nausea medication to try to stop all of this without any success. It really does have to be a demon. I looked around trying to see if maybe my Bubby or BFF had snuck into my bathroom or bedroom and drawn a Devil’s trap there to help me out. Because maybe I didn’t realize I was possessed by a demon and they did. Maybe the Winchester brothers were going to come any moment now and there I am, laying on my bathroom floor with no panties on, covered in a sheen of sweat, smelling like death I am sure. Oh that would be so unfortunate. No one needs to see that, least of all Dean Winchester **swoon**. That would be so my luck. Fat Girl humiliation at it’s finest. I wondered if I even had enough energy to go grab some salt to swallow to try to expel the demon even faster, but opted to just go to bed instead.
12 hours later. No. Really. 12 hours this lasted, the expelling of the demon that was in me. Finally, it left. Exiting me, leaving my soul intact (or at least I hope so), but without the big plume of black smoke they always show on Supernatural, to find another body to invade. I woke the next morning and went to get out of bed and realized there was a lasting effect to throwing yourself on the floor and hugging the toilet bowel for so long when you are older. My back was out. Are you freaking kidding me? This had never happened before. The fiery pain of the diarrhea had now been replaced by shooting pains into my ass in the form of sciatica flare up. I hated this demon. My ass was on fire in such a worst way and I could barely stand without pain. Awesome. So glad this was now my life. Stupid demon. Stupid getting old. Is this now what is going to happen to me every time I have to vomit violently for hours? My back is going to go out? What did I do to deserve this? Great. So now, after expelling the demon that was living inside me, I ahve back pain. Thank goodness for pain medication, a tens unit, lidocaine patches and a visit with my massage therapist in a few days.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. Oh my goodness, I felt like I was going to die for 12 hours but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who actually threw my back out violently expelling a demon and wondering if the Winchester brothers were going to witness my humiliation Running. The experiment continues…