You might have noticed something. Â I haven’t been blogging as much lately. Â I know it has been weird not to see a blog or two every week. Â And now it is time to confess to you why. Â You deserve to know. Â You read the words I put on here and never judge me, so it is time for you to understand why. Â I recently sat down with the Boss Bean and she convinced me to tell you all. Â It may not be funny. Â It may make you cry. Â But this is who I am. Â I put myself out here just as you see me. Â If ever you meet me in person, you will realize one thing…that this blog is exactly like having a conversation with me. Â So let’s have a conversation. Â A confession of sorts. Â Let’s have a confession of a Fat Girl.
Life for me has not been funny. Â It really has not. Â In fact, it has been rather traumatic. Â I have had a hell of a past 6 months and I tried not to talk about it but let me do a recap: Â I lost three family members in three months, BFF found a lump in her breast and had to have surgery twice and my Mommy took a horrible fall and ended up in the ICU and then a rehab facility for broken bones. Â To say my life has not been funny or cheerful is an understatement. Â I tried to shield you all from how I was feeling but I am not going to now. Â The last six months made me sad and angry. Â Losing my BFF’s Grandpa and our sweet Mathew really threw me for a loop. Â Never have I experienced grief like that. Â Never have I cried so much. Â Throw on top worrying if BFF had cancer (she does not) and spending a week with my Mom in a hospital, then you get the stressed out, crying and not so funny Fat Girl. Â I sat in front of my computer time after time trying to find words to write and ending up shutting it because the words would not come. Â I didn’t know what to say to you through my tears so I said nothing at all. Â I ate my feelings and gained a bunch of weight and sat here thinking there is no way you all want to be inspired by the ramblings of a depressed Fat Girl who eats her feelings. Â I am wrong. Â You need to see me like this. Â You need to see me laying on my couch, piles of snacks around me, doing nothing but watching Netflix and reality TV. Â This is what a traumatic six months will do to me. Â It makes me fat. Â It makes me want to hide in my house and not people. Â It makes me unmotivated, eat a lot of crap and cry. Â A lot.
Losing Mathew and Grandpa were harder than I thought. Â Even now, as I sit here and write all these words, tears are flowing down my face. Â I never realized how hard grief is and how I cope with it. Â I cope with it by eating. Â No exercising and eating. Â Grief and stress are funny things. Â So to say I gave up my eating plan and quit exercising is a hard thing to admit to you but I did. Â I really did eat my feelings. Â I didn’t think you would want to hear how sad I have been. Â How stressed life made me. Â How when I sat down to write it made me stressed out. Â I couldn’t express how I was feeling or make it funny and it stressed me out. Â So instead, I said nothing. Â I wrote nothing and that was not fair to you. Â I have had some fun times and to write about them felt weird. Â It felt like a lie. Â I am not going to lie to you, my readers. Â My life really has sucked for a while and you deserve to hear it. Â Everyone has times in their lives where it feels like you are at the bottom of a pit screaming and no one can hear your cries for help. Â Where you paste on a smile to the world and meanwhile inside you are screaming and crying and just want to be held. Â That was me for a long time. Â I felt like all I could do was tread the waters of life and keep my head just above so I wouldn’t drown. Â It was an awful feeling. Â Being an adult sucks. Â It really does.
Finally, I realized after talking with Boss Bean and BFF that all I needed to do was to sit here and confess to you how shitty my life has been. Â I can look back on it now and laugh and make fun of some situations, but before I really could not find the laughter. Â I could not find the words to tell you that I wanted someone to make it all better. Â For someone to tell me it would be ok. Â For me to not have to paste on a fake smile. I wanted to scream in anger. Â I was angry. Â I was mad at God, the world, the circumstances. Â Why would God take Grandpa and then Mathew? Â Why would he throw so much grief and stress at me all at once? Â Work suffered. Â My writing suffered. Â My weight suffered. Â But you know what? Â I made it through. Â I am still here. Â All of this may have made me silent for a while but I am still here. Â Here I am in all my glory… fatter and sassier. Â I finally was able to reach deep down into that pit and pull out my voice. Â I grabbed a hold of those words and lifted them to the top, allowing those feelings to wash over me and my fingers to put them on the page for you. Â Yes, my life was so shitty and traumatic for the past 6 months. Â Yes, I ate every bit of those feelings and now have to deal with that. Â Yes, I am still here and ready to put more words to the page for you. Â This is my confession and I am glad you are still here too.
Oh yeah. Â I didn’t die today. Â I lost my voice and my words in grief and anger, but I didn’t die. Â I am the Fat Girl who CAN survive and eats my feelings Running. Â The experiment continues…