The Fat Girl Running Version 2.0

I started a new chapter in my life this month.  It was hard and exciting but I did it.  I joined the world of self publishing and the result of all my tears, hours on the computer and a million questions to #soulmate comes out on July 12.  We all know I have been missing from the publishing world for about 6 months and I actually have not been blogging as much (which is going to change as well).  It was hard to figure out what to do after my publisher died and they closed the doors abruptly, leaving all of us authors with no way to continue.  But, I did it.  I self published a better version of Book 1.  I feel a little like the way a book must feel if you crack its spine (you monsters who do that).  A little broken and a little relieved.  I never knew as a writer/blogger that it could be so painful at times, but it really is.  And this whole self publishing thing?  Kind of scary and I feel like half the time I have no idea what in the heck I am doing to be honest. But what came out of this process is a new and improved version of me.  The Fat Girl Running version 2.0 I guess you could say. Let’s talk about how I came to be this new version.

You see, after my publisher Boss Bean died, I was stuck.  Stuck without a way to get books, my files or even the rights to my cover art.  So I was at the beginning.  I actually had to cancel book signings because I was unable to get any copies of my books and I was so very frustrated.  I was determined to not pull out of Book Bonanza though.  For those of you unaware, Book Bonanza is one of the BIGGEST signings around and I was actually invited to be an attending author.  Me.  Little old me.  Six months of no contact from the publishing company and I decided enough was enough and looked for my files myself.  I am glad I was able to find all my files for books 1-4 on my computer.  There was a pint where I couldn’t find Book 1 and I was entertaining the thought of retyping out the entre thing from a hard copy I managed to have.  That made me cry for sure.  No really.  Ask #soulmate.  I cried.  Then I found the file and I cried with relief.  Files being found, I could proceed.

First of all, I needed an editor.  All of this stuff my publisher did for me before so I had no idea what it all entailed.  Luckily, I had an editor recommended to me that was willing to take me on.  That was the hard part.  You see, most of my author friends are romance authors and we all know I am far from that.  Before I could send the books off to an editor, I needed to go through them all and revise things, self edit, take out chapters and add new content.  That alone made me want to pull my hair out.  You see, part of me cringed over some of my older writing.  It just sounded like a four-year old came in and wrote down some gibberish.  I mean, how did you all actually stand to read it?  Wait.  Are you all just real life stalkers?  Because that would be cool.  Unless you are SOTL Man.  Then that would not be cool.  It would be slightly terrifying.  But I digress.

Once I got the books sent to an editor, I needed to also line up a formatter and a cover designer.  Seriously, I cannot thank my author friends enough for all their help in this direction either.  Oh yeah.  I also had to figure out what to do for my cover.  I wanted to cry and be angry at the same time.  Have we ever talked about what an indecisive person I really am? I finally decided to do something completely out of my comfort zone and put myself on the cover.  It made me want to throw up in my mouth a little, but I called a local photographer and decided to do a photo shoot.

Can we discuss how awkward that was?  I mean I am as awkward as it comes and then put me in front of a camera?  Oh my heck.  I cannot even imagine some of the photos she must have gotten.  There were definitely some gems for sure.  There had to be knowing me.  My photographer was a genius.  She made me do things I thought was stupid.  In fact, the one pose I thought was going to look so dumb is actually the cover.  Huh. Guess she knew what she was doing. We both were laughing a lot during the shoot and I think that helped me relax and be myself a little more than I would have otherwise.  The pictures were all so cute that it was hard for my cover designer to actually pick just one.  But we managed and all of a sudden, I was excited.  Excited to try this whole self publishing thing because my new covers are the cutest.  And a little sassy.

The new cover?  It is everything you guys. 

Book edited?  Check.  Cover concept?  Check.  Cover designed?  Check.  Formatted?  Check.  Next step?  Actually get it set up to publish both in paperback form and e-book in time for Book Bonanza on July 19. Ack. Biggest signing of my life and I didn’t have books for it. But with the help of #soulmate, I got it all set up and approved by the all mighty Amazon.  Paperbacks of Book 1 AND 2 are actually sitting in my kitchen in boxes right now.  Because the lucky people who come see me at Book Bonanza get a sneak peek of Book 2 and a chance to get it early (that one comes out in August).  Now for those of you familiar with my books, these are revamped editions of the old ones with new content, formatting, editing and the like.  I mean I would get them just for the covers alone.  So, if you want, the pre-order is already live and the book goes live on July 12.  In case you need it, here is the link:  Climbing Off the Couch

I still might cry on Thursday because this is the first time I am doing this all on my own and boy do I miss Boss Bean.  But I know she would approve and love the direction I am going this time.  And once again, my books will be available for you guys.  In fact, they are better versions of the old ones.  It really was a little bit what I can only imagine giving birth is like, except without the gross bodily fluids.  Because let’s be honest.  People coming out of other people is gross.  Lots of sweat, tears and love went into this new version of my books and I really hope that maybe a few of you pick them up and stalk me.  Let’s just hope SOTL Man doesn’t blow up my cover into a poster to hang in his house.  Creeper.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today.  I did, however, venture into self publishing and have a book releasing this week, but I didn’t die.  I am the Fat Girl Running version 2.0 and I hope you love it as much as I do.  The experiment continues…

Popping My Book Signing Cherry

Did you hear that popping sound?  That was the sound of me traveling to Boise Book Fest and popping my book signing cherry as an author!  Book signings are a real thing.  They happen all over the world and readers flock to them to see their favorite authors or to discover new ones.  As a reader, I have been to a few (remember my meeting Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher?) and it is at these book signings that I actually met an amazing group of people, some authors and some not.  It didn’t matter.  They are totally my tribe.  It was through the authors in this amazing group, that I found out about signing up for book signings as an author.  And I was lucky enough to have the pleasure of popping my book signing cherry with a group of these authors (some of whom I had only met online and my Seester included) at Boise Book Fest.

I was so nervous.  I don’t even know if the word nervous even begins to cover it to be honest.  I had a lot of anxiety over the signing.  What if nobody came over to my table?  What if I didn’t sell any books?  What if people didn’t want to read my books?  It gave me such anxiety but knowing my BFF was coming with me made me feel so much better.  We over packed per usual and caught a very early flight to Phoenix where we met up with Seester and BIL to catch the same flight to Boise.  I am sure we were annoying to the poor lady who was stuck with us singing and poking each other through the rows in the plane and yelling “Peek-A-Boo” but we had fun.

After finally getting to our hotel in Boise, we chilled out a bit before setting up for the signing.  Setting up was full of shenanigans as most of my author friends were there and we all helped each other in setting tables, putting up banners and table displays.  I was super excited to see Teagan Hunter there as that girl is my #soulmate and I might have tackled her and her Marine hubby in the hallway pretty hard.  BFF proceeded to start biting people as is her way and lots of laughter ensued at dinner later.

Traveling wears BFF out
We love the way Sara Ney smells….even after being on an airplane

Then the day of the signing was upon us.  I woke up super nervous with all those doubts floating around in my head.  BFF told me it was going to be just fine and also bit me (she bites pretty hard) I think for good luck or just because she could.  Either way it hurt and might have left a bruise.  We put on our sweet new Fat Girl Running T-shirts and headed down into the room.  Thank goodness I had BFF with me for this first signing as we all know I do not like to people.  But people I did!  Who knew doing a book signing would be so tiring and energizing at the same time?  I met so many readers and guess what?  I SOLD BOOKS!  Yup, dear fans, there are now new readers with copies of my books in their hands and wearing my shirts!  Can you believe it?  I actually sold quite half the shirts I brought with me so I call that a success.  Boom!  First large book signing in the bag!  I loved networking with other authors and hanging out with my favorite book people of all times.  Poor BFF was stuck putting up with us for the weekend but luckily she loved most of them (as witnessed by the bite marks.  Is she part vampire?).

Seester and I at our table!  Aren’t we cute?
This is what happens when our group of friends tries to get a picture…hot mess
My #soulmate.  Read Teagan Hunter.  You won’t regret it

I flew home satisfied that I had not only a fun weekend with other authors, but I sold books!  I wasn’t sitting by myself at a table waiting for people to come by.  I actually talked with readers, engaged them and got them to take a chance on me.  Score!  Also, now I have that ABBA song in my head….my head is a weird place.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I was so anxious I thought I might die, but I didn’t.  I am Fat Girl who popped her first book signing cherry Running.  The experiment continues…

I Believe I Can Fly and SURPRISE!!

Sometimes you discover new things about yourself through an event in your life.  It can be a minor event or a major one, or it can be a brief moment in time.  This is what happened to me when we went to Disneyland this past weekend for our annual We Hate Football So Who Cares About the Superbowl Trip.  In one fleeting moment, I discovered I was a superhero and could fly.

This trip was with Bubby and Pocket Fiance because of all the Star Wars: Seasons of the Force special stuff Disneyland has going on right now, so four little Geeks decided to make sure we got to see all the Star Wars things that were going on.  This included a special exhibit over in one of the buildings that contained props, movie clips, merchandise, and even photos with two characters from the movie.  We were super excited.  We could have spent a long time in this exhibit.  But one thing stopped us…the fullness of our bladders.  In the middle of meeting characters and looking at all things geeky, the girls all had to use the restroom.  So we went out to find the closest one to where we were located.  As we left the building, we had a conversation:

Me:  “Where is the nearest restroom anyways?”

BFF:  “I think by Space Mountain.  We are gonna have to sprint because I have to pee that bad.”

Disney Cast Member:  “Are you looking for the closest restroom?”

BFF:  “Yeah…by Space Mountain is the closest one.”

Disney Cast Member:  “You would be wrong.  There is one right around the corner.”

BFF:  “It’s like a secret restroom!  Score!” (she might have done a little dance or was just trying not to pee her pants)

As we walked down the steps to turn the corner, I stepped to avoid an older couple coming up the stairs.  As I did so, somehow, my right foot rolled underneath me.  And not just turned wrong.  It felt as though it turned completely backward and upside down.  I was waiting to hear a crack as I stumbled and tried to stay upright.  The pavement was coming straight for my head and all I could think was that I was going to face plant on the cement stairs and tumble down them, thereby ending our vacation as I would have suffered a severe head injury and broken bones.  I grabbed the banister as I flew through the air, did a pirouette type move, and might have remained airborne for a few moments.  I also might have thought “I CAN fly!” as I stumbled and tried to stay upright.  I heard Pocket Fiance gasp and say “OH NO!” and I heard BFF sharply intake her breath.  I stumbled through the air and down the stairs and somehow, I landed on both feet, a few stair steps down from where I started.  I turned and looked up at Pocket Fiance and BFF and saw the horror on their faces and the Cast Member starting towards me, so I looked down and saw my foot was still attached to my leg and was turned the correct way.  Whew.  It was still attached.  That would have been so gross if my foot was not attached to my body anymore or turned the wrong way like I had thought.  That would have put a damper on our vacation and might have turned Disneyland’s Star Wars exhibit into a real bloody battlefield.  Pretty sure I might have given the Cast Member who witnessed my flight a heart attack as well.  That would have been a mountain of paperwork for her.

I quickly tested out the ankle and even though it hurt, I was able to walk.   I have never seen people rush towards me so fast ever, as I was walking gingerly on my ankle towards the secret restroom. BFF and Pocket Fiance got on either side of me and BFF checked me out with her nursing skills.  She agreed my foot was still attached and she could not believe it.  I guess from where they were located behind me, it really did look like I flew through the air.  BFF told me she she actually thought I had broken not only my ankle, but also my leg and wanted to know how the hell I was still walking.  I had no idea.  I should have broken at least my ankle.  I should have fallen head first down cement stairs and gotten a head injury.  Instead, I was able to walk to the restroom…thank goodness.  My ankle was slightly tender the rest of the day, but strangely enough, there was no swelling or bruising.  Huh.  I guess I did fly for a few moments.  Also, all my classical ballet training must have come in handy.  Yippee for flexible joints!

One last thing….I met with Boss Bean while I was there and guess what?  Son of Sofa comes out on Sunday!!!  SURPRISE!!  Yes!  Valentine’s Day!  The perfect gift for that person in your life or you tell your sweetie that it will be here just in time!  No joke… it will finally be here for you all to read to your heart’s content.  I super hope all my readers love it and share the love.  Boss Bean told BFF and I that people were emailing her asking about when it is going to release and that also thrills me to no end.  This mean you all are just as excited as myself.  Feel free to download and share the graphic with everyone you know.  And feel free to share with me when you get your copy!  Post photos on my Facebook page or tag me on Instagram and Twitter!  I want to see you with my book!!  Whoot Whoot!


Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  Instead, I discovered that I could fly and that I am super glad I was a ballerina in a past life but I didn’t die (or break anything either).  I am Fat Girl believing I can fly with a book coming out on Sunday Running.  The experiment continues….


Coming Soon….

Ever put so much work into something that when you are done, you feel a sense of relief?  That is how I felt when I turned in my latest manuscript into Boss Bean.  And not the rough draft, but the final draft.  There is something so satisfying when you finish up a project you have worked so hard on.  I know it must seem so easy.  Just copy and paste my old blogs into a word document and BOOM!  Book done.  Unfortunately, that is no how it works.  I wish it was, but nope.  Let me give you a little glimpse of how it really works.

Yes, I do some copy and pasting of my old blogs to a word document.  But that is not all of it.  I also write originals for the books, the tips, and I have to re-read and perfect the blog posts I already wrote.  This takes quite a bit of time and I even start hating every single word I have written.  Once I have everything written, I then send it off to Boss Bean, who sends it off to my editor.  This is where it got different for me this time.  I have a new editor and he is amazeballs!  First off, he does not normally read my stuff, so he was the perfect person to edit it all.  Second, he is British.  Which, proved to be somewhat challenging in itself.  Why?  Because he did not always understand all of my cultural references, or Americana, as he called it.  Hmmmm.  I guess I never thought about the fact that my readers across the pond might not understand everything I talk about.  After the manuscript gets turned into your editor, you wait.  Waiting is the hardest part.

And then…the email appeared.  Let me tell you something about editors.  Editors are like teachers.  Imagine turning in to your teacher a paper you have written, that you have worked on for a long time, slaved over even, and thinking it was the bomb paper.  Then, you get the paper back from the teacher and it looks like a murder scene has taken place on the paper, there is so much red pen everywhere.  I mean, did you even write a paper?  This is what it is like for an author every time you get your first draft back from your editor.  Want to know what that feels like?  It feels like crap.  Total crap.  You sit there, looking at all the comments in the margins, all the red marks throughout your writing, and you feel like total crap.  You might even want to give up at this point.  I know I did.  But instead, I read the corrections, I made some, chose to ignore others, and took the time to explain the Americana references.  One thing my editor really did for me which I am super glad for:  he made my grammar so much better!  I feel like a super duper smarty pants now that I speak good.   Also, I apparently use the term “for reals” a lot. For reals.

The next step is the most exciting,  My editor formatted the new book and changed it up!  You guys, I have to tell you how excited I am about this book.  It looks different, it feels different, and it will appeal to a lot more people who might not have discovered me.  I cannot wait to see it in my hands.  I have seen the proofs but to see it in print is a whole different monster.  I am more proud of this book than the others because it really is better.  My writing is better and my grammar is quite British….just kidding.  I hope you guys like it as much as I do.  In the mean time, I shall tease you with this cute graphic that the author Sara Ney made for me (it pays to have other author friends).  Feel free to share this around!


Oh yeah. I didn’t die today.  I did however show you how painful of a process writing a book can be, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a British editor who made me speak gooder Running.  The experiment continues….


The Reason For the Hiatus

I realized today how much I needed to tell you all because I have had a month-long hiatus from blogging.  Why?  Because I had a deadline for Book 3 to make and it took all my energy.  But I am happy to report that Book 3 is now in the hands of Boss Bean!!  Can I get a HOLLA!!!!  Such a relief.  You would think it would be easy with all the blogging I do, but it isn’t at all.  So much time is spent picking the blogs, editing, and writing the extras….ok wait.  Let me explain what really happens when I go to write because it is nothing like you think.

Most people imagine that writers have this special writing space all carved out and they just sit and ideas magically flow from their fingertips for hours on end without any interruptions.  Not this gal.  For example, right now, I am stretched out on my couch, laptop on my lap and watching The Amazing Race on Amazon Prime as I write.  Sometimes I go to Barnes and Noble, sometimes I go to my office, sometimes I am at work.  But I can’t just sit down and make magic with my fingertips (wow…that sounded way dirtier than I intended.).  The creative process is actually quite complicated for me.  It involves many factors like screwing around on the internet, eating my weight in snacks and staring at an empty page for hours.  This is really how it goes.

This is so true
This is so true

I really do have good intentions when I sit down to write.  I gather the necessities:  drink, snacks, laptop, no pants…the very important essentials.  I open up my computer and try to get started.  Staring into space or at the page happens first for sure.  Trying to find words.  And then something exciting happens on The Amazing Race or I decide I need to check Facebook.  Because those are way more exciting than writing.  You know I am right.  And then of course I see something like a quiz on Facebook or I need to google something that relates to midget porn (because this might help me write you know…it is research I swear).  This is gonna require some time to get through this quiz or “research” before I can start writing again.  You never know…this might lead to another quiz because I really do need to know which Disney character I am or if I can master the hardest Disney quiz around (you know I can). Then let’s “research” some more with some popcorn.  Cuz don’t you watch your internet porn with popcorn?  Maybe I am “researching” how to have magic at my fingertips.  You don’t know.  Don’t judge. Finally, after much fucking around on the interwebs, I will get back to writing.  Then I read what I have written and erase the whole thing cuz it sucks.  Then I will have to go check Facebook again or play a game on my phone or pee or eat….anything but write.  So then I will stare at the empty page and say “Fuck it.” and close up the computer.  A few moments later, I will get an idea, open the laptop and the whole process begins again.  Yup this is my reality.

You know what really works for me?  The pressure of a deadline or BFF yelling at me to get the damn book done before we go on vacation (wait till you see those blogs and the snapchat videos….hysterical).  That is what really and ultimately worked.  So there you have it.  How I really write.  Even writing this blog took me 2 hours because I was screwing around on Facebook and watching Survivor and doing “research”.  It happens.  I am sure other writers will agree with me.  Sometimes we are brilliant and we cannot stop writing, other days we walk away saying “Fuck it”.  Look for Book 3 Dec 30th and more blogs to catch you up on my life for the last month!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did, however, complete book 3 despite the screwing around I did and I am back to blogging!  I am Fat Girl gonna go some “research” on magic with my fingertips Running.  The experiment continues…

A Different Response To The Fat Shaming Video And BIG News

I have a few things to say this week so a random post it is.  I have some big news so stay tuned….I promise to get to it in a bit.  And by big, I mean HUGE!  But first, I need to just give my 2 cents about this latest YouTube video that is going around that you might have heard about….the Nicole Arbour video in which she does the worst thing possible to Fat Girls around the world. She fat shames them.  I am not going to post the link to the “Dear Fat People” video  (which she claims is comedy) but I am going to take a minute and discuss it.  There have been many rebuttals about this video, but I want to do mine in my own way so keep reading.

I came across her video on FB where someone had posted it and I was horrified.  As a Fat Girl, this is EXACTLY the type of bullying we seek to avoid.  There is no place for bullying and Nicole Arbour is just that….a bully.  I don’t care if she thinks that was comedy because it was not.  It was bullying.  It was fat shaming (and yes, Ms. Arbour, that is a “thing”) plain and simple.  We should stand up for any type of body shaming in this world because this is what leads most young men and women to have body image issues to begin with….it doesn’t matter if you are fat, thin, short, tall, brown, white, or anything at all….your body is perfect.  Please do not use somebody’s weight as a way to judge them and Ms. Arbour did.  That is disgusting.  She claims she is trying to get people to lose weight, but if she had an ounce of intelligence in her brain, she would have done her research and found that body shaming actually produces the opposite effect and has caused many teenagers to actually kill themselves.  Ms. Arbour, I hope that no one kills themselves because you think they need to have “fat people” parking spaces in the back of the parking lot and because you called them “Jabba the Hutt”.  I only hope that they can read this:  YOU ARE LOVED.  Your body does not define you.  The numbers on a scale are just that…numbers.  They do not tell the world about your capacity to love or your ability to do greatness.  Please read this post and love yourself for one thing today.  Today I choose to love myself for my ability to write.  My ability to potentially reach all those offended and hurt by Ms. Arbour’s words and so-called comedy of body shaming.  Write this down on a post it and put it on your bathroom mirror.  YOU ARE SPECIAL.  No matter what your body looks like, do not let anyone tell you different.  Hold your head up and know that at least one person loves you for you….ME.  Words can hurt, no matter what anyone says, and they can leave a lasting impression, especially in this social media driven world we now live in.  So let’s turn this around and show her what beauty truly looks like.  Tweet or FB or Instagram (links here on the blog) me a selfie with the hashtags #dontjudge, #thefatgirlrunning #noshamingonlybodylove and let’s prove her wrong.  Let’s show Ms. Arbour that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes and colors and we are proud of who we are…no matter what!  Viva La Fat Girl Revolution!

Now that I am off my soapbox….let’s get down to the BIG news.  If you follow me on the Tweeter or FB then you might have heard (and if you don’t then you should!!) that Book 3 in The Running Experiment is due to come out probably by the end of the year!!  So gear up to start your new year off right….with laughter and plenty of adventures of me and BFF!!  I even have a cover to reveal to you.  I will let you guess who named the book….the ever funny BFF of course.  Here ya go!  Drum roll please…..

Book 3 coming soon to a store near you!!
Book 3 coming soon to a store near you!!

I hope you all are as excited and thrilled as I am that InknBeans is taking yet another chance on this Fat Girl.  I also hope you like this cover as much as I do…they have one fantastic art elf over there!!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however, hopefully, spread some love over this fat shaming video but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who is proud, loved and has Book 3 coming out Running!  The experiment continues…

How I Forgot to Speak English When I Met Two of my Favorite Authors

I did something super exciting and super nerdy last week that I cannot wait to tell you all about.  I went to a HUGE book signing in Austin, TX!  My Seester and CallieBear all decided to go meet some of our favorite authors and CallieBear and I flew into Dallas to meet up with Seester and then road tripped down to Austin.  I had never been to a book signing before (besides my own) and so I was thrilled because two of my absolute favorites were going to be there…Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher.  These two gals really touch my soul with their books and I am lucky to have had the opportunity to wallow in their greatness.  I can only hope to someday grow up to be just like them.  Seester is a pro at this book signing thing so CallieBear and I leaned on her to show us the ropes.  The other thing is that Seester has already met them and is on super good terms with Colleen Hoover as she was on Nightline with her a few years ago (LUCKY!  I also hope to be more like Seester when I grow up).  So off we went to meet our favorites…more on the road trip later…that is a whole separate adventure.  I could not wait to talk to these two…little did I know I would forget how to speak English around them.

When we arrived at our hotel in Austin, we decided to go hang out in the lobby with all the other book nerds and see who we could meet and such.  I mean, you really do make instant friends at things like this as you are all there for the same reason and we knew some of the gals from a fan group we were all part of were also gonna be there.  We were all wearing nerdy book shirts and I was wearing one that in particular all Colleen Hoover fans (or CoHorts as we are also known) would understand as it is the model Nick Bateman (scheduled to star in a movie adaptation of one of Colleen’s books) stating No Pants Are The Best Pants.  I mean….we all know they really are.  I frequent this philosophy as does Pocket GF.  Upon arriving to the lobby, who should appear but Colleen Hoover herself with treats for the fan group.  I immediately became an introvert and starstruck at the same time.  I didn’t even know what to say as she greeted my Seester and hugged her.  She turned to me and said “You must be her Seester! OMG…I love your shirt and I must have a picture with you in it to send to Nick Bateman!”  I am pretty sure I just gave her the super scary smile that might also look like I want to murder her in her sleep or just stand by her bed and watch her as she snores away like an utter creeper. I might have mumbled something unintelligent like “Uh huh. ok I love you and want to steal your soul in your dreams” if you had been able to understand what I was truly saying.  I am almost certain it came out like this “Screech! Quack! Spit flying everywhere as I talk superfast in some unknown language!”  Literally, I forgot how to speak English or even make sense when I did speak.  When she offered me a cake ball, I might have said something like “I like to put balls in my mouth” and inwardly cringed as I could not get myself to shut up.  Also, there might have been a little bit of a code Wet Pants as I was sure I was gonna pee with excitement.  I was afraid she would take pity on Seester’s obviously mentally impaired sibling and pat me on the head, but instead she invited our group to join her and we moved over to where other gals who COULD speak English were sitting and hanging out.  Colleen was even glad to pose with us for some pictures although I am sure she was still thinking I was mentally impaired in some way and wondering why Seester could not control her spaz of a sibling.  Really.  I needed some serious help and was hoping the next day at the signing would be better and I would not make a fool of myself.

CallieBear and I like balls in our mouths....
CallieBear and I like balls in our mouths….
Me and Colleen Hoover...scary creeper smile included
Me and Colleen Hoover…scary creeper smile included

The next day was the big event and I was bound and determined to be able to talk to Colleen Hoover like a normal girl and dispel the myth that I never completed more than third grade.  After standing in line for about 90 minutes to see Tarryn Fisher and Colleen Hoover, it was finally my turn to see both of them.  I almost peed my pants in anticipation.  I really should think about investing in some sort of bladder control product.  I mean..for reals.  It is a real issue…haven’t you seen the commercials?  I got up there and I was able to actually talk to Colleen using real English..whew!  Then I turned to Tarryn and it happened again….I froze and spoke gibberish or some sort of secret language that in my mind Tarryn understood perfectly.  I might have started doing an interpretive dance to get my point across about how much I love her and her books.  A restraining order might have been filed.  I might have died of embarrassment.  What the heck was wrong with me that I could not form words?  Who knew I would turn into some laughing idiot that giggled nervously the entire time I was standing there.  I swear they are gonna ban me from any of their other signings.  Ugh.  We spent the rest of the day meeting other fantastic authors that I discovered I could speak English with and then we made plans to go to the meet and greet that night.

At the meet and greet, a lot of the authors were mingling around with their fans and this was so informal and fun.  I got to stop and chat with several of them.  I decided to run up to the room because I had a headache so I got in the elevator and who should get in with me?  Tarryn Fisher!  My immediate reaction is to text my Seester which read “OMG! I am in the elevator with Tarryn freaking Fisher!”  She turned to me and started to talk…oh no….I felt the scary creeper smile coming on my face and I felt like the character in Misery. Tarryn was probably afraid I was gonna trap her in my house and hobble her with a sledgehammer.  I again could not form words and just nodded with my creeper smile in place.  Of course, when I got out and joined Seester and CallieBear, I immediately went on and on about how she had been in the elevator with me and CallieBear told me how she had this great conversation with Tarryn.  I stated how I wished I could do that when Tarryn herself came over to talk with us.  I told myself to get it together and immediately opened my mouth…SURPRISE!  I could once again speak English and apologized for looking like a scary creeper in the elevator.  She just laughed and told me she gets like that too and graciously took a picture with me and hugged me.  I was so glad I was able to form words this time and not be a complete weirdo.

Why do I always look like I am trying not to pee myself?  The beautiful authors Tarryn Fisher and Colleen Hoover trying to not look scared of me
Why do I always look like I am trying not to pee myself? The beautiful authors Tarryn Fisher and Colleen Hoover trying to not look scared of me
Tarryn Fisher and I after I learned how to speak English again...I still have the scary creeper I might tie you to a bed and hobble you smile
Tarryn Fisher and I after I learned how to speak English again…I still have the scary creeper I might tie you to a bed and hobble you smile

One important thing I learned from going to a signing as an author…be as gracious to your fans as all these authors were, interpretive dance and all.  And I can only hope someday that someone gets as fangirl over me as I did over them.  I can only dream.  Thanks ladies for inspiring me as an author, ripping out my heart and crushing it with your words, and helping heal my soul with your books.  You two ladies are some of the baddest asses out there and I am glad you didn’t take out a restraining order on me.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I might have become a babbling idiot when meeting my two favorite authors, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl doing interpretive dance and trying to learn English while meeting Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher Running.  The experiment continues…