One of the things about traveling to do book signings is to figure out the logistics on how to get all your book stuff to a signing. Some signings, you can ship your books and such to the hotel where a signing is being held. Sometimes, I have managed to pack as much as I can fit into my bags (trust me when I fly standby, that carry on is HEAVY) and sometimes, I am lucky enough to know someone in the area to ship my books to ahead of time and they bring them to me when I get there. Back when BFF and I went to Shameless Book Con in Orlando, we used this last option, as it turned out that #soulmate’s hubby, The Marine, was going to school in Orlando. In order for this story to make sense, you have to understand one thing: The Marine and BFF. They have the best relationship. It is almost like #soulmate and I and STRICTLY platonic. They just love hanging out and are practically the same person anyways. Plus, The Marine is an amazing guy on his own, even if he is married to my #soulmate. But, I digress. This turned out to be quite the adventure that even ended up with me grabbing my #soulmate’s husband’s ass.
Now, I knew at some point, I needed to retrieve my boxes I had shipped to The Marine because of the signing (duh). I figured when we first got there would be appropriate so I asked if he could drop them at our hotel the night we landed so I would not have to worry about it. The Marine, being the great guy he is (I am almost positive he wanted to see BFF as well) offered to go one step further and pick us up at the airport. Of course we said yes. I mean, he had 2 boxes of my stuff and BFF and I do not travel light for a week away from home. BFF and I decided we would take The Marine out to dinner to thank him because that is how we roll (plus you know she just wanted to hang out with her favorite husband). We landed in Orlando, collected our bags and texted The Marine where we were waiting. It then occurred to me I had no idea what kind or color of truck he was driving. I did not want to bother him, as we were oh so nice and landed in rush hour, so I called #soulmate to find out. As I turned to tell BFF what The Marine drove, she was already jumping up and down and hugging him as he had already pulled up to us. We loaded up our stuff and climbed in and headed to the hotel.
What I did not realize at the time, was that The Marine really went out of his way to take us to The Swan and Dolphin hotel as it was no where near his apartment. Nowhere. Basically, he drove 30 minutes (which in rush hour took us more like an hour) from the airport and then back to his apartment. I am sure spending time with BFF and the promise of dinner and adult libations did not hurt. The Marine then announced he needed to get gas for his truck so off we went in search of a gas station. Seriously, this was so hard. Why Orlando why? It felt as if there was never a gas station to be found. We finally used gps, went out of our way again, and turned down a street to pull into the only gas station we had seen. The Marine got out to pump gas as BFF and I were discussing how ridiculously hard it was to find a gas station and he suddenly got back in and said “Fuck that. They want $5 a gallon. Hell no.” Choosing not to be raped by the gas station, we left. BFF spots another gas station down the street so we pull in only to find they are out of gas. Hey Orlando. Buy some gas would ya? Now we understood why the one gas station was raping people with over $5 a gallon. We turned around and headed back to the freeway still in search of gas. Finally, we find one that isn’t going to rape us and that has a restroom (which has now become necessary). We head to the hotel.
As we drive to the hotel, a magical site awaits us. The official sign that says Walt Disney World: Where Dreams Come True. The amount of squealing that occurred in the truck at that moment may have made The Marine question whether or not he should have picked us up. Good thing he loves us. We check in and head down to our room to have bell services bring our bags because we were not going to make The Marine schlep those heavy boxes. Upon entering our room, we all stood there for a few minutes I think with the same look on our faces. What was with the size of the beds? The Marine looks at both of us and says “I think those are full sized.” I quickly said “Nah. They can’t be. What hotel still has full sized beds? They have to be queens.” I believe we all even had a slight tilt to our heads as we finally figured out they were indeed full sized beds. Huh. Who knew that they still made those for hotels. Wanna know the funny thing? The marine didn’t even fit in the bed. Have you ever slept in a full sized bed when you are a bigger girl? It was like a hotel bed for a Barbie. I, for one, was glad I was not sharing as this would have been such an issue. Barbie bed for one please!
After dinner, libations, and much laughter, we knew we needed to send The Marine on his way. As we waited for valet to bring his truck around, BFF handed me a $20 bill and whispered to me to put it into his pants pocket for gas money. Slyly, as he was talking to BFF and hugging her goodbye, I slipped my hand into his back pocket right as he stepped back. This action ended up with me full on grabbing The Marine’s ass. Like a whole handful. He raised his eyebrows at me as I nodded my head and said “Nice ass Marine.” and hugged him. #awkward. We waved goodbye as BFF said “I cannot believe you grabbed his ass. What are you going to tell his wife?” I just shrugged. What is a little ass grabbing between #soulmates? Later on that night, #soulmate calls me to tell me that she was on the phone with The Marine and he was telling her what a great night he had with BFF (oh yeah and I was there too) when he stopped and went “Hey. What’s in my pocket? Oh! THAT is why Kristann grabbed my ass!” To be honest, #soulmate said she didn’t even question why I grabbed his ass but laughed instead saying he did have a nice ass to grab. Funny thing was, he didn’t even think it was odd I grabbed his ass.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did experience that apparently Orlando does not like to have gas stations off the freeway, discovered barbie beds in hotel rooms and grabbed #soulmate’s husband’s ass but I didn’t die. I am The Fat Girl who likes to grab The Marine’s ass and make it awkward Running. The experiment continues…