How To Have Fun With A Head Injury


I know I told you all about my Mommy falling and getting hurt because that is when I discovered she had a potty mouth.  But what I didn’t tell you is that she also had a really good concussion from the fall.  Now if you have never dealt with anyone with a head injury, it can be a little frustrating.  You see, head injuries repeat themselves quite a bit.  They can’t help it and they are not aware they are doing it.  It is part of the injury to the brain.  I always tell the parents of my patients that this is normal and it will pass but as the daughter of the patient, it was hard.  I didn’t realize how hard it was being a family member of someone with a head injury.  I didn’t want to get frustrated with my Mommy because it wasn’t her fault she couldn’t remember.  To make it easier, I decided to have some fun.

After she fell, my Mommy was in the ICU and I got down there the next morning after her accident (there had been a wicked snowstorm the day before and the freeways had closed so I wa unable to get there sooner).  She luckily knew who I was (not always the case) and who BFF was so that was good.  I knew I would need to be down there for a bit, so I proceeded to move in to my Mommy’s apartment and stay with her during the day.  The first day or two were rough as Mommy asked about every 15-30 minutes what had happened.  It went something like this”

Mommy:  “Where am I?  What happened to me?”

Me:  “You had a nasty fall Mom.  You are in the hospital and you broke some bones.”

Mommy:  “Oh yes.  I remember now. ”  and then she would proceed to talk about something else for 15-30 minutes.

15 minutes later….

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “Remember Mom, you fell and broke some bones.  You are in the hospital.”

It was a never-ending and tiring situation.  To make it easier, I decided to make it a little more fun on my end.  I mean, she wasn’t going to remember what I said so what did it matter, right?  The next time the conversation went like this:

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “Mom.  Aliens abducted you.  They took you up in their spaceship and probed you.  You had to come to Area 51 to get checked out, but it is a secret military hospital so we have to stay quiet.”

Mommy (whispering):  “Oh my goodness.  Do you think they will come back for me?”

Me (trying not to giggle):  “Do you want them to?”

Mommy (still whispering):  “Well, no!  But we better not talk about it in case the room is bugged. I sure don’t want to be probed again.  That could not have been comfortable.”

Me (really tying not to laugh loudly):  “Ok Mom. I am sure they won’t come back. Let’s just watch tv.”

I know you may think I am a horrible daughter, but after so many hours of being asked the same question over and over, I really just needed some comic relief.  It worked for awhile and I think she fell asleep for a bit.  Then when she woke up…

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “You ran away and joined the circus Mom. You fell off the tightrope and broke some bones.  Luckily, the Strong Man carried you here and the clowns called me.”

Mommy:  “No why would I do that?  That is stupid. Are you fucking around with me?”

Me (deadpan serious):  “Mom.  Would I ever do that?”

Mommy (glares over at me):  “Yes.  Yes you would.  I don’t believe you.”  The nurse walks in and Mommy looks at her “Did I really fall off a tightrope at the circus like my daughter says?”

Nurse (horrified and trying not to laugh as she looks at me):  “Did you really tell her that?”

Me (not at all ashamed):  “Yup.  What?  She isn’t going to remember in 15 minutes anyways.”

Nurse (shaking her head turns toward my Mommy):  “I am sure whatever your daughter tells you is correct.”  I start giggling uncontrollably and have to turn away.  I mean bravo to the nurse for playing along.  My Mommy caught on to that one and smacked me.  but 15 minutes later…

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “Ummmm.  Well, you decided to take up break dancing.  As you can see, that didn’t turn out so good for you Mom.”

Mommy:  “Guess I shall have to cancel those lessons then.”

Me:  “I already did Mom.”

I can now hear the nurse outside my Mommy’s room laughing as she listened in while she was charting.  At least she didn’t think I was terrible and found it funny.  Because 15 minutes later…

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “Mom, remember how we talked about that sex position I didn’t think you should try?  Well, I was right.  Look what happened.” I hear even more laughter from outside and from more than one person so I am assuming the nurse has called her co-workers over.

Mommy (giving me stink eye):  “Shut up. You are totally fucking with me.”

Me:  “Yup.  Sure am Mom. But next time let’s not try something new without fully reading the description.”

Mommy rolled her eyes at me and laughed.  At least she had her sense of humor.  And so did I because 15 minutes later…

Mommy:  “What happened?  Where am I?”

Me:  “You decided to drive in a Nascar race and crashed into the wall.  So here you are, in the hospital and broke some bones.”

Mommy:  “Well, I guess I didn’t win the race. Shit.”

Me (giggling softly):  “Nope.  But there is always next time.”

Mommy:  “I don’t think so.  I think I better not drive those fast cars anymore.  Sounds pretty dangerous.  I mean I am no Danica Patrick.”

Me (laughing out loud):  “No Mom, you aren’t.  Better stick with a regular car.”

Mommy:  “Yup. What made me think I could do that anyways?  That was dumb.  Remind me never to get some wild stupid idea again.”

Me:  “You got it Mom.  Check Nascar off the list of career choices.”

I think you get the point.  Luckily, the episodes got fewer and fewer as the day progressed, although she still doesn’t remember a lot of what happened and that is ok.  Brains are weird that way.  I don’t know if I would recommend this method as a nurse, but let me tell you, it sure made those first few days a lot more enjoyable and made me, my Mommy and the nurses laugh.  A lot.  And sometimes in times of stress, you need a little laughter.  Every 15 minutes.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did have to come up with new reasons my Mommy was in the hospital every 15 minutes, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl whose Mommy even with a head injury knew I was fucking around with her Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

When You Discover Your Mom Has The Mouth of a Sailor


Earlier in this year, my Mommy gave us all a scare. She fell and broke several bones, including her pelvis. It was scary because we think she laid on her floor of her apartment for about 16 hours before Bestie found her and called for help. Some of the scariest moments of my life were when I couldn’t get a hold of her and was waiting to hear if she was ok. Mommy made a full recovery but during that time was when I discovered for the first time in my life that my Mommy has the mouth of a sailor.

Because my Mommy broke her pelvis when she fell, she had to have physical therapy and go to a rehab center to get well enough to go back to her apartment. Now, luckily, she did not need any surgery. While we were in the hospital, she had physical therapy working with twice a day to walk. There we were, sitting in the ICU, when she sees the physical therapists coming towards her room. Mommy turns to me and says “Well here come those mother fuckers again”. Shocked, I looked at her, probably with my mouth hanging open and gasping at her word choice. She just looked back at me matter of factly and said “What? That is what they are. Straight up mother fuckers.”

Never in my life have I heard my Mother say words like this. Ever. I really was shocked beyond words and sat there stunned while she muttered under her breath at the physical therapists as they got her out of bed and made her walk. I am certain she used those words a few more times as well. I even heard her say she was a “foul mouthed old lady” at one point. I felt like a parent wondering where the heck she learned how to cuss like that. I mean…was my mother hanging out in biker bars or with military men when I wasnt around? Maybe I needed to put a GPS tracker on her and find out who she was spending all her time with or what movies she was watching. Was she taking a course in how to swear? Where the heck had she learned that phrase and why was she calling people that? My Mommy had never used language like that. Or at least not in the presence of her children.  I decided I really couldn’t handle her calling the physical therapists that phrase so when she got back we had a conversation.

Me (still shocked): “Um Mom. You can’t call the physical therapists names.”

Mommy (indignant): “I most certainly did not call them names.”

Me (slightly giggling): “Yes you did Mom. You called them mother fuckers.”

Mommy (matter of factly): “Oh yeah. Well they are mother fuckers.”

Me (now trying not to laugh): “Oh ok. So glad to know what you think. Can we try not to call them that?”

Mommy: “Well I guess I can try. But I am not making any promises”

The next time the physical therapists came around, I braced myself. But even though she complained and muttered under her breath, she did not call them MFers.  She did use a string of swear words that I have also never heard her utter as they made her walk, but she didn’t call them names. Seriously where did she learn to seear like this? When she was getting back into bed she said quite loudly “Oh kerflufflebunny”. I busted out laughing with tears running down my face. What the heck was that phrase?

Mommy: ” What are you laughing at?”

Me (in between laughs): “Kerflufflebunny? What in the world is that?”

Mommy: “Well. You told me I couldn’t call them mother fuckers any more.”

Point made.

Oh Mommy. You are too funny. And yes, she made a full recovery (with a lot of swearing).

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did get the shock of my life with the words that came out of my Mommy’s mouth but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who wonders who my Mommy hangs out with to learn such words Running. The experiment continues…