The other day, I was sitting in my local Barnes and Noble attempting to get some work done. Sometimes removing myself from the temptations of watching one of the Fast and Furious movies or finding an excuse to get up from my laptop and do something insane like clean my office really helps. Of course, this means that I just find new ways to procrastinate which might involve being on Facebook and random internet searches. You never know (BFF might have called me out on that one on FB….just saying). If anyone were to look at my browsing history they might get scared. But I swear it is for research! Except the midget porn. That is all me. Just saying. As I was sitting here “writing”, Bestie texted me and asked me if I was busy. No! Of course not! I am just “writing” (AKA taking a quiz on buzzfeed). Apparently, Little Red was having some trouble with her homework and Bestie couldn’t figure it out either, so Super Nina to the rescue! All I had to do was find 10 misspelled words in the paragraph. Easy peasy, right? WRONG! First of all….when did 4th grade homework become so hard that there are tears over it? And those tears might be mine….just saying.
Take a look at that homework. You can see the 9 words I found. Can you find the 10th? Because I sure as shit cannot. Bestie cannot either. I even emailed it to BFF and her Momma and Aunty all took a look at it and we cannot find #10. It is quite crazy making. I say if 5 adults cannot find it, then the work book is wrong. Plain old wrong. I don’t remember having 4th grade homework that sucked like this and caused tears. Except fractions. But I am severely math challenged and fractions is still not a concept I can understand easily. And word problems. What in the actual fuck are those? Those are created to torture people like me who cannot decipher any part of that crazy mess of math. Who decided it was a good idea to make math a word problem? What kind of sorcery is this? When I was introduced to those in school, a piece of me died. My brain just can’t wrap around that. I don’t care how many miles that train has gone and when it will get into the station. Nor do I care how many apples Johnny has left after he was a douchecanoe and didn’t share with Sally but he did share with Peggy. Johnny is just a asshat at that point. Can I write an asshat as my answer? Will that be good enough? Math sucks. Period. I swear I have stared at this damn homework of Little Red’s for the better part of an hour trying to find the 10th word. What the hell? Please let us know if you find it….
The only homework I can remember being hard in 4th grade (besides fractions and word problems) was a science project I had. I had to collect bugs, pin them to poster board and label them. I HATED this project. Because bugs. So gross. I hated killing them and pinning them to the board. So much about this assignment I hated but I had a great Daddy who helped me…in other words, he pinned all the bugs to the poster board so I wouldn’t throw up. I also refused to bring said science project into the house as it was plain disgusting. So it was out in the garage. Dad and I worked super hard on completing it on time so I was ecstatic the night before I got to turn it in. On that morning, I went out to the garage to get the board of disgusting bug corpses and could not find it. Anywhere. I was panicked. What could have happened to it? Tears immediately started to fall down my face as I was sure someone had stolen it. I ran inside sobbing and attempted to tell my Mommy what had happened. She looked at me, attempting to figure out what in the world I was crying about and I think she understood a few words in between sobs. “Science project…..gone…..bugs…..gross….fail”. All of a sudden, a horrified look crossed her face and this conversation happened:
Momma: “Was it a board with disgusting bugs pinned to it?”
Me (still sobbing): “yyyyyeeeeesssssss”
Momma (now with guilt crossing her face): “Oh no. Oh no. I didn’t know. I am so sorry. I didn’t know. You have to understand I thought it was just something disturbing and gross.”
Me (now looking confused): “What happened to it Mommy?”
Mommy (whispering): “I gave it to the trash man this morning.”
<insert wailing here as I realize I am gonna fail 4th grade science and never amount to anything>
Me: “Mooooooooooommmmmmm! That was my science project! I am gonna fail science! They are gonna hold me back! I am doomed!” (typical dramatics and such accompany this speech)
Mommy (shaking her head): “I am sure we can do it over.”
Me: “Nooooooooo! It was so gross! Please don’t make me! I will just fail!”
Luckily, Mom came with me to school that day and explained to the teacher what had happened and asked that I be given a different assignment instead so that I wouldn’t have to murder any more bugs. Thank goodness the teacher allowed me to write a paper instead and I learned a good lesson….don’t leave disgusting bug corpses pinned to board in the garage. Not that I would ever do that again. Like ever. So gross. Who comes up with this shit for kids to do as homework anyways?
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did make myself crazy trying to help Little Red with her spelling homework and relived the horrors of 4th grade science in the process but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who hates pinning bug corpses and still CANNOT find the 10th word Running. The experiment continues…