A Dinner With Romance Authors In Which I Expand My Vocabulary


Ever wonder what it is like to have dinner with authors?  I am sure you readers out there have fantasized about the intellectual conversation that would occur, discussing books and reading and all sorts of things.  And inside you would be silently fangirling over the fact that you were having dinner with authors (Ok maybe that is just me.  Sometimes I forget that I, too, am a writer).  It would be like those dinners with Oprah that she used to show, a book club of sorts and it would all be elegant and fancy.  BFF and I had a dinner in Boise with other authors, most of them romance authors as that is what most of my friends write, and let me tell you it was quite the experience.  Not at all like what you picture.  Nope.  Let me tell you, when you have a dinner with mostly romance authors, the conversation gets rather….well shall we say colorful?  I am giggling right now just thinking about the author dinner following the signing at Boise.  Pretty sure my sides hurt from laughter and my vocabulary is greatly expanded.

Most of my friends happen to be romance authors because that is what I like to read.  Romance and YA are my two preferred genres and the group of romance authors I am friends with have helped me immensely in this author world.  After the signing, we had a dinner that the book fest organizer arranged in a private room at the hotel and our entire group went to have dinner together.   The dinner was actually JUST our entire group of friends with a couple of spouses, a brother, and BFF included.  I knew then there would be shenanigans.  There was some talk of business and how to improve the next year’s event, but quite rapidly the conversation turned.  Let me tell you, romance writers have quite the …ummmm….vocabulary.  I believe there was some sort of question asked about how many words could we all come up with as an alternative for the word penis.  Oh lordy.  I am quite certain that the brother of one of the authors was not prepared for the variety and the quick way in which that question was answered.  Pretty sure I must have heard like 250 words used to describe the male anatomy.  I have read a lot of terms, being a romance reader, like “shaft” and “member”, but the term “pussy puncher”?  That was a new one for even me.  The funny thing was that it actually came from one of the three men who were dining with us, not one of the romance writers in the group.  And that was not the only thing we learned from the guys.

We all quickly learned that in the military, it is quite customary to go into the bathroom and discover intricate drawings of the male anatomy.  Complete with shading and detail drawn usually in sharpie.  Apparently the bathrooms is usually where these drawings can be found and new ones pop up every day.  What I want to know is how much time do these guys spend in the bathroom drawing such pictures?  One of the guys even described going into the bathroom to clean off the penises already drawn in there and finding quite the drawing on the ceiling of the bathroom.  I believe he called it the “Sistine Chapel of Cock”.  I have never laughed so hard in my entire life as BFF turned to me and said “Can’t you just see it?  Two penises almost touching like in the original picture?”  Hysterical laughter could be heard loudly, especially as just as the phrase “Sistine Chapel of Cock” was said again as one of the wait staff walked into the room to see if we needed anything. He quickly exited, his face turning a few shades of red.  Poor dude.  The conversation turned even raunchier after that and our poor organizer got lessons in all sorts of sexual things.  These are romance writers after all.  She also turned some amazing shades of red.

Just when the poor wait staff thought it was safe to come in and clear for dessert, the same waiter came in right as we were discussing another picture that was described as “Dick-A-Saurus Rex”.  The poor waiter turned a few more shades of red and shook his head at us as we laughed even harder.  I am sure he had some stories to tell as he listened in to our colorful conversation.  I wish I could tell you all the conversation that we had, but lordy it was raunchy.  My friends are loud, obnoxious and hysterical. Let me just say that I left that dinner with a great expansion of my vocabulary and sore abdominal muscles.  Also, I am pretty sure the organizer is regretting allowing us to all be in the same room together.  I wonder if she is going to ask us all back?

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did learn new vocabulary for the male anatomy but I did not die.  I am the Fat Girl who learned all about the “Sistine Chapel of Cock” Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

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