The Fat Girl Running – Kristann Monaghan

As I previously wrote, I love to spoil The Reds when they come to visit me, so BFF and I decided a trip to Bearizona was for sure in order.  I mean, what is not to love about wild animals that you can drive past slowly?  That doesn’t scream danger at all in any shape or form.  The girls love going there and I have a year pass, so we loaded us all in my car and took off to get up close and personal with some wildebeests.  Little did I know that this trip would be quite the up close and personal adventure with an asshole elk.

Let me first tell you that I have this little obsession with Disney antenna toppers for my car.  I am religious about changing them out for every holiday and any time I feel like it.  I have them for just about any occasion.  At the time of our trip to Bearizona, I had a Disney castle on my antenna because we are about to go there in 2 weeks.  This particular topper was a gift and was brand new….and it is no longer in my possession after this trip thanks to a certain asshole elk.  For real…an elk.  And for the record, elk are assholes.

I know that animals can come up to your car while driving through Bearizona….remember the bear that tried to climb on Bubby’s car?  So there we are, minding our own business just driving along making noises, talking to animals (you can have your windows down except where there are bears and wolves), commenting on them and we drive into a new part of the park which contains deer and elk.  The girls get all excited because there are a bunch of deer all around us and they are from the city.  Then we see him….the asshole elk.  He is up against the car in front of us, possibly peeing on it, we weren’t sure, but he was definitely curious about the SUV.  Now, if you don’t know anything about elk, well, they are GINORMOUS.  You for sure don’t wanna hit one of these creatures with your car, because you will be seriously fucked up.  I have seen some gnarly accidents from elk.  And I don’t even think this asshole was fully grown.

After a few minutes, this asshole elk decides he is gonna check out the next car….ours.  I thought I could maybe avid this by slowly pulling forward, but no.  His asshole friends, the deer, surrounded us and I could do nothing but sit there and witness the carnage that was about to happen.  First, the elk walked all around my car, sniffing, peeing, who knows what he was doing, but he for sure pushed it several times with his head.  I am not gonna lie.  It was slightly terrifying to me.  All I could think was to please don’t turn over my car.  I don’t wanna call Bestie and tell her that we got into an accident because some asshole elk decided to push my car over and injure her babies.  There was lots of screaming (I am not sure if it was scary or funny to everyone else) and excited talking going on as the asshole elk rounded the passenger side of the car.  Then it happened.  Carnage.  Destruction.  The asshole elk spied my castle antenna topper and thought it would make a good snack.  He literally put my whole car antenna in his mouth, plucked off the castle and started chewing it…all the while looking at me like “What?  You gonna do something about it?  Fuck your castle.  It tastes like fucking pixie dust and I like it.”  We sat there, still unable to move, with more screaming from the Reds and watched the asshole elk chew on the castle and stare at us.  A few minutes later, he decided it was inedible and spit it on the ground as if to say “That is what I think of your fucking inedible castle. Why am I not in Neverland?”  As I was lamenting over the loss of my castle, Big Red stated “Well, it is just right there Nina but it looks a little covered in elk slime.”  There was no way in hell I was gonna get out of my car to get it so we all just looked at the slimy version of my castle in the dirt.  I then cursed asshole elk for taking my new antenna topper to which he replied by blowing snot all over the side window and started licking the back one.  This is where BFF pointed out that his asshole deer friends had left and we pulled away slowly, leaving the asshole elk to torture the truck behind us.  The castle had fallen and was left behind in ruins and elk slime.  Ew.  Asshole.

After leaving the asshole elk behind, the rest of the day was filled with the adventure of discovering new things like how one of the badgers does not like polka-dotted umbrellas and they make a hissing sound when pissed off (don’t ask how we know this…).  It also ended with a trip to our favorite pie place in town where we gorged ourselves on giant slices of pie.  Because pie.  Do we need another reason?  I will be sad someday if my Reds ever tell me they don’t want to go to Bearizona because I love going there and spending time with them.  They are my favorite Reds of all times….and we have grand adventures.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that elk are assholes and I really should make sure my antenna topper is off my car next time I go to Bearizona, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a close encounter with an asshole elk who thought my castle would taste like fucking pixie dust Running.  The experiment continues….