Since I just went and spent the weekend with my crazy family (more on that to come) and because Father’s Day was just last week, I thought I would share with you a little cautionary tale about me and my Daddy. My Daddy and I spent a lot of time together when I was little as I was an only child until that bratty Bubby came along when I was 11. The story I am about to tell you took place circa 1978 BB or Before Bubby. Let me set the scene: winter in Iowa where it had been snowing for days and finally stopped. We were at my Grandma’s farm and decided to go play in the snow….here is where the tale turns to a dark one….just kidding. But really the day did not turn out like my Daddy had planned let’s just say.
Like I said, Daddy and I decided to go outside and play in the snow together. Now, back in the day, this meant bundling up in A Christmas Story fashion complete with snowmobile suit, scarfs, long underwear, gloves, boots…you name it we wore it to stay dry and warm. I looked like that kid in the movie who can’t put his arm’s down. For serious. Every kid in the Midwest in the 70s can relate I am sure. So after ensuring I was bundled up good, out we went to make snow angels, throw snowballs and all the fun things you do as a kid in the snow. Why I thought that was fun is beyond me….I hate playing in the snow as an adult. Maybe it is because I hate being cold and wet. Or maybe it is because I am more of an indoor girl. It had been snowing hard for days so the snow was the best kind to play in…deep and fluffy. Daddy and I decided to try to build a snow fort, but the snow was too fluffy so we gave up and decided to go for a walk even though the drifts were almost as tall as I was in some points. It was then we saw it….the perfect drift. A huge, fluffy drift of snow, untouched by any animal or bird. There was absolutely no marks in it except for the marks the wind made as it built the drift up. It was the perfect drift of snow to make a snow angel in or just plain jump in. But Daddy had a different idea. One that Mother Nature screwed with in a big way.
At some point, while admiring this beautiful perfect virgin drift of snow, my Daddy decided it would be fun to throw me into it. Smiling at me, he picked me up by one arm and one leg and started to swing me toward the drift. I was thrilled seeing how high he was swinging me and laughed, anticipating landing into all that fluffy snow with a cloud of it surrounding me. Daddy finally let go and I felt myself launched into the air with a grunt. I flew for a few seconds and then it happened…the landing. Instead of landing into a fluffy cloud of snow, I landing with an OOOOOOMPH onto nature’s trick. A drift of solid hard packed ice crusted snow. All the air rushed out of me and I lay there unable to move or make a sound or even take a breath. I could hear my Daddy gasp and cry out “OH SHIT!” as he raced to me, picking me up telling me it was gonna be ok as I struggled to get in some air. I was finally able to catch my breath and what came out was a strangled sob. In reality, I am sure I sounded like a strangled hyena pup or something similar since it was still hard to breathe. I am sure wolves from all over were attracted to the sounds I was making and we were lucky they didn’t all come sniffing around to see what the hell was making those noises. Needless to say, I really was not in the mood to play in the snow as the tears froze to my cheeks and I struggled to breathe, so my Daddy carried me back to my Grandma’s farmhouse. My poor Daddy. Really he did think it was a fluffy drift of snow and had no idea Mother Nature was a fucking bitch and made it all hard packed and lung collapsing. Fuck you Mother Nature and your lung collapsing Daddy time ruining snow drift. You are an asshole.
The moral of the story is to always test the snow drifts before launching your young daughter into the air to land in them. This will save her from a collapsed lung and you from Grandma swatting you upside the head when you bring her in with her frozen tears stuck to her face. I will never trust deceptive Mother Nature again. Lesson learned. I love you Daddy.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I felt like I was dying when I hit that hard packed snowdrift the bitch Mother Nature made but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl without a collapsed lung but a fun-loving well-meaning Daddy who learned to test the snow Running. The experiment continues…