This Is What Happens When BFF Picks Your Topic…..Super Glue

Today in the midst of my writer’s block, I asked BFF what I should write about since usually she can spark me to write something for you all to laugh at.  Want to know what she came up with?  Super glue.  Yup.  You read that right.  She wants me to write about super glue.  All because we were discussing fixing her broken headband today and how I fixed mine last week with super glue.  Hmmmm….super glue.  Ok let’s talk about my recent experience with super glue.  Or as I like to call it…glue that gets everywhere but where you need it glue.

This particular headband was missing a few crystals that I had managed to save when they fell off and since it was one of my favorites, I was determined to fix it.  It can’t be that hard, right?  First off let’s talk about the container the super glue comes in.  The little tube with applicator seems like a good idea to carefully apply your uber sticky substance that seems to never become un-sticky.  I mean what in the world is it made of?  We have all seen the crazy commercial where the dude glues himself in his hard hat to the construction beam to prove how sticky it holds.  Wait….You really want to glue your hard hat to a steel beam and hang there hoping you don’t crash to your fiery death because you relied on super glue?  This seems a little fishy to me to be honest.  I don’t think I would trust my life to some weird unholy product that claims it can glue your noggin to a beam and allow you to dangle over certain death to prove how sticky it is.  Nope.  I will stick with it fixing my headband thank you very much.

Let’s get back to the container.  As I open it, all of it comes out, rushing like sperm escaping in an attempt to fertilize the egg but they just end up making a mess….ladies you know what I am talking about here.  Am I the only one who opens the container and 3/4 of the now crazy glue that gets everywhere but where you need it comes spooging through the tip and proceeds to get all over you, the cat, the table, your clothes…but never any on the item you are gluing?  What the hell?  Now most of my tube of the spawn of satan glue is everywhere but where it should be.  Now there is no way I can make a neat little line of glue as it is now stuck to my fingers.  The entire tube is now stuck like some sort of unholy tentacle creature to my fingers and I do not see a way to get it off, let alone try to fix my headband.  Argghh.  Some of it at this point is probably stuck to the Ninja Kitten and I don’t even want to think about how to get that off.  Scissors might be my best bet there.

Back to the task at hand…the fixing of my headband.  Now that this tube of almost empty alien substance is stuck to my fingers, making me painfully aware that they are not supposed to be webbed together, I attempt to make a nice neat line to glue the crystals back on it in a neat and orderly fashion.  I laugh out loud as nothing comes out of the tube.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I have it everywhere else because like a teenage boy, it cannot control itself and now when I need it the most, it is empty?  Maybe I can scrape some off my fingers.  Nope.  Now my other hand is stuck to that one.  WTF super glue?  I just wanted to glue some crystals down and you punish me by making my hands stick together.  I even go as far as to try to wipe it off on Ninja…hey she was close.  And already trying to remove it from her fur with her tongue,  Damn.  I hope her tongue doesn’t become glued to her fur.  This is a hot freaking mess.  I now have a small bead of super glue finally coming out of the tube and I able to put it on the headband. Not neatly, mind you like they show in the commercials, but somehow my now webbed fingers and I manage to get the crystals in place.  You shall not win today super glue!  Ta-Dah!  I go to triumphantly hold it up in the air with my hands that are glued together like lobster claws and discover I have glued the headband to the paper towel I had put it on.  I look at the headband, my now webbed hands, my clothes, my table, Ninja trying to un-stick her tongue from her fur and try to decide if I open up a new tube and start over.

Fuck it.  I threw away the god damn headband.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did rely on BFF to break me out of my writer’s block and was pleasantly surprised but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with lobster claw hands stuck together with some unholy alien tentacle substance called super glue Running.  The experiment continues…

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