How I Forgot to Speak English When I Met Two of my Favorite Authors

I did something super exciting and super nerdy last week that I cannot wait to tell you all about.  I went to a HUGE book signing in Austin, TX!  My Seester and CallieBear all decided to go meet some of our favorite authors and CallieBear and I flew into Dallas to meet up with Seester and then road tripped down to Austin.  I had never been to a book signing before (besides my own) and so I was thrilled because two of my absolute favorites were going to be there…Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher.  These two gals really touch my soul with their books and I am lucky to have had the opportunity to wallow in their greatness.  I can only hope to someday grow up to be just like them.  Seester is a pro at this book signing thing so CallieBear and I leaned on her to show us the ropes.  The other thing is that Seester has already met them and is on super good terms with Colleen Hoover as she was on Nightline with her a few years ago (LUCKY!  I also hope to be more like Seester when I grow up).  So off we went to meet our favorites…more on the road trip later…that is a whole separate adventure.  I could not wait to talk to these two…little did I know I would forget how to speak English around them.

When we arrived at our hotel in Austin, we decided to go hang out in the lobby with all the other book nerds and see who we could meet and such.  I mean, you really do make instant friends at things like this as you are all there for the same reason and we knew some of the gals from a fan group we were all part of were also gonna be there.  We were all wearing nerdy book shirts and I was wearing one that in particular all Colleen Hoover fans (or CoHorts as we are also known) would understand as it is the model Nick Bateman (scheduled to star in a movie adaptation of one of Colleen’s books) stating No Pants Are The Best Pants.  I mean….we all know they really are.  I frequent this philosophy as does Pocket GF.  Upon arriving to the lobby, who should appear but Colleen Hoover herself with treats for the fan group.  I immediately became an introvert and starstruck at the same time.  I didn’t even know what to say as she greeted my Seester and hugged her.  She turned to me and said “You must be her Seester! OMG…I love your shirt and I must have a picture with you in it to send to Nick Bateman!”  I am pretty sure I just gave her the super scary smile that might also look like I want to murder her in her sleep or just stand by her bed and watch her as she snores away like an utter creeper. I might have mumbled something unintelligent like “Uh huh. ok I love you and want to steal your soul in your dreams” if you had been able to understand what I was truly saying.  I am almost certain it came out like this “Screech! Quack! Spit flying everywhere as I talk superfast in some unknown language!”  Literally, I forgot how to speak English or even make sense when I did speak.  When she offered me a cake ball, I might have said something like “I like to put balls in my mouth” and inwardly cringed as I could not get myself to shut up.  Also, there might have been a little bit of a code Wet Pants as I was sure I was gonna pee with excitement.  I was afraid she would take pity on Seester’s obviously mentally impaired sibling and pat me on the head, but instead she invited our group to join her and we moved over to where other gals who COULD speak English were sitting and hanging out.  Colleen was even glad to pose with us for some pictures although I am sure she was still thinking I was mentally impaired in some way and wondering why Seester could not control her spaz of a sibling.  Really.  I needed some serious help and was hoping the next day at the signing would be better and I would not make a fool of myself.

CallieBear and I like balls in our mouths....
CallieBear and I like balls in our mouths….
Me and Colleen Hoover...scary creeper smile included
Me and Colleen Hoover…scary creeper smile included

The next day was the big event and I was bound and determined to be able to talk to Colleen Hoover like a normal girl and dispel the myth that I never completed more than third grade.  After standing in line for about 90 minutes to see Tarryn Fisher and Colleen Hoover, it was finally my turn to see both of them.  I almost peed my pants in anticipation.  I really should think about investing in some sort of bladder control product.  I mean..for reals.  It is a real issue…haven’t you seen the commercials?  I got up there and I was able to actually talk to Colleen using real English..whew!  Then I turned to Tarryn and it happened again….I froze and spoke gibberish or some sort of secret language that in my mind Tarryn understood perfectly.  I might have started doing an interpretive dance to get my point across about how much I love her and her books.  A restraining order might have been filed.  I might have died of embarrassment.  What the heck was wrong with me that I could not form words?  Who knew I would turn into some laughing idiot that giggled nervously the entire time I was standing there.  I swear they are gonna ban me from any of their other signings.  Ugh.  We spent the rest of the day meeting other fantastic authors that I discovered I could speak English with and then we made plans to go to the meet and greet that night.

At the meet and greet, a lot of the authors were mingling around with their fans and this was so informal and fun.  I got to stop and chat with several of them.  I decided to run up to the room because I had a headache so I got in the elevator and who should get in with me?  Tarryn Fisher!  My immediate reaction is to text my Seester which read “OMG! I am in the elevator with Tarryn freaking Fisher!”  She turned to me and started to talk…oh no….I felt the scary creeper smile coming on my face and I felt like the character in Misery. Tarryn was probably afraid I was gonna trap her in my house and hobble her with a sledgehammer.  I again could not form words and just nodded with my creeper smile in place.  Of course, when I got out and joined Seester and CallieBear, I immediately went on and on about how she had been in the elevator with me and CallieBear told me how she had this great conversation with Tarryn.  I stated how I wished I could do that when Tarryn herself came over to talk with us.  I told myself to get it together and immediately opened my mouth…SURPRISE!  I could once again speak English and apologized for looking like a scary creeper in the elevator.  She just laughed and told me she gets like that too and graciously took a picture with me and hugged me.  I was so glad I was able to form words this time and not be a complete weirdo.

Why do I always look like I am trying not to pee myself?  The beautiful authors Tarryn Fisher and Colleen Hoover trying to not look scared of me
Why do I always look like I am trying not to pee myself? The beautiful authors Tarryn Fisher and Colleen Hoover trying to not look scared of me
Tarryn Fisher and I after I learned how to speak English again...I still have the scary creeper I might tie you to a bed and hobble you smile
Tarryn Fisher and I after I learned how to speak English again…I still have the scary creeper I might tie you to a bed and hobble you smile

One important thing I learned from going to a signing as an author…be as gracious to your fans as all these authors were, interpretive dance and all.  And I can only hope someday that someone gets as fangirl over me as I did over them.  I can only dream.  Thanks ladies for inspiring me as an author, ripping out my heart and crushing it with your words, and helping heal my soul with your books.  You two ladies are some of the baddest asses out there and I am glad you didn’t take out a restraining order on me.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I might have become a babbling idiot when meeting my two favorite authors, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl doing interpretive dance and trying to learn English while meeting Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher Running.  The experiment continues…

3 thoughts on “How I Forgot to Speak English When I Met Two of my Favorite Authors

  1. colleenhoover March 15, 2015 / 6:47 pm

    Haha. This is the best post ever. I swear, I never think people care to meet me. And then I read things like this and think, “Oh, God, what did I say? Was I nice enough? Did I smile, because smiling makes my face hurt!” So no matter how nervous you are, the majority of us authors are very chill and don’t feel like we’re special at all. Until these signings, of course.

    • The Fat Girl Running March 15, 2015 / 8:17 pm

      The fact that you read my blog just made me forget how to speak English again! Also…I might have peed a little….again

  2. Ey Wade March 20, 2015 / 4:32 am

    As usual, a very entertaining post. Thanks for sharing.
    I need to get out and do some socializing.

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