As I wrote before, BFF and I went up to Seattle to see our sweet friends with the twins (remember the icy pelts of death on the roller coaster in DL?) get hitched. G and C are from our town but most of their families live up on that coast so they planned this gorgeous outdoor wedding on Whidbey Island. What a wonderful place for a wedding I must say. Having never been to that area of the country, BFF and I were unsure what we were to expect but I tell you…we immediately turned to each other and asked if we could come back! So beautiful and so much to see and do (I shall save our touristy antics for the next blog). But let’s focus on wedding antics for this blog because only a wedding that BFF and I go to can have this many shenanigans. So let’s go to the chapel…Fat Girl and BFF style.
G and C were gracious enough to invite all their guests to the rehearsal dinner held at a family member’s house. Only my sweet G would extend such a wonderful invitation. I must say the spread was something to leave your mouth-watering and a delight for a Fat Girl as the groomsmen all went deep-sea fishing and caught salmon, halibut and crab for all of us to eat. They set it up buffet style (YESSSSSSS! Fat Girl’s favorite word!!) and we proceeded to gorge ourselves on the deliciousness that had come from the sea. I swear we made several, unabashed trips up to the table, even sending one of the other girls to get us more crab. We couldn’t help it. I didn’t even care if I didn’t fit in my dress…isn’t that what Spanx are for? How could you when all that food was there to be eaten? I just wanted crabs…in my mouth…wait. Nope…that wasn’t right…but you get it.
The day of the wedding, we were stoked that it was a morning wedding so that we didn’t have to try to figure out something to do all day. So, BFF and I got up and started getting ready. Immediately, in true Fat Girl style, I realized I had not tried on my bra with my dress and it showed. Also, I forgot my strapless bra….oh boy…what the heck was I gonna do? Luckily, BFF travels very well prepared like a Girl Scout and had safety pins in her bag so we pinned the bra to my dress straps so I wouldn’t have to go braless and bounce around all free like. Nobody needs to see that. We got in our rental car and started driving to the town about 20 miles away for the wedding with plenty of time to spare. First mistake was thinking that there was plenty of time to get there as we got behind the slowest driver in the world on a two lane highway. UGGGGHHHH. Stress level was starting to escalate and then we were at a dead stop. Why? Because some inconsiderate vehicle had struck a man on a bicycle, who was now laying on the ground bleeding. Here is the dilemma…do BFF and I get out in our dresses and tend to the man as we are nurses and risk being late to the ceremony? Of course that could change the theme of the wedding from country chic to more like a Walking Dead wedding. Nothing like showing up to a wedding with blood all over you and no way to get it off or a change of clothes. While we are debating what to do, who does get out of a car a few behind us in her wedding gown? The bride! Umm….so Walking Dead wedding it is? Luckily, EMTs had already been called and their was a physician on the scene who had also stopped, so we were all able to get back into our cars and proceed to the farm. Also, we knew the wedding could not start without the bride and she was behind us so that was a relief. No Walking Dead wedding for G and C.
We arrived non-bloody and went to talk to our groom C who had a distressed look on his face. He came up to both of us and whispered “There is a serious problem”. We both looked at each other as the conversation went like this:
Me: “What is going on? Is everything ok C?”
Groom looking panicked and like a deer in headlights: “The cake isn’t going to make it. G is gonna go nuclear.”
BFF incredulously and with some serious raised eyebrows: “What do you mean the cake isn’t going to make it? It is going to be late?”
Groom even quieter: “Nope. It isn’t coming at all. It got irreparably damaged getting here. We have no cake. G doesn’t know.”
Me: “Dude. Someone has to tell G. ”
Groom: “Exactly. You go tell her. You two are her closest friends. She will take it from you.”
Me and BFF together: “Oh hell no!”
Me: “I am NOT going to be the one to tell G she has no cake. You tell her!”
Groom: “I can’t see her before the wedding. You have to tell her. I nominate you.”
Me: “Oh efff that. I am so not telling her. Let’s get her Dad to tell her.”
Groom: “Ok but if you hear a nuclear screech, you know she has been told. You better run and comfort her or run for your life.”
BFF: “I pick run for your life. Maybe we should have stayed and helped the guy who got hit by the car. That seems less stressful now.”
Me: “Agreed. I could go for some trauma with blood and gore right about now. And not the emotional kind like this whole cake business.”
Groom: “This is why we love you.”
Needless to say, we tried to figure out where the nearest grocery store was and BFF volunteered to run and get cake quick like while pictures were being taken. Luckily, the farm where the wedding was being held, had a pie shop and her Dad solved the problem by buying five fresh pies and someone from Granny’s shop brought ice cream. It worked out. And G did get told before the wedding, without a nuclear screech and us having to run for our lives. Good thing because you know I don’t run unless something is chasing me. We let her Dad and Stepdad handle the cake fiasco telling. Her Dad walked her by the cake area and G looked at him and said “Where the fuck is my cake?” Dad graciously replied “It’s not coming. End of story. We have pie.” And there you go…G had nothing to say because at that point, what else could be done? The rest of the wedding went off without complication. It was gorgeous and the groom even did vows with the twins who were about to become his stepdaughters. Not a dry eye was to be had, not even BFF who hardly ever cries, when he said to them “I may not have been there for your first steps, but I promise to be there for your first everything else.” Oh C…what a wonderful man you are! I am even misty typing it! We had a glorious time and wonderful pie (MMMMMM…..pie.) And you know how I feel about pie. I am all about the pie. Huh. That didn’t sound right either. Thanks G and C for the invite to your wedding…we think you are both the bestest people ever. BFF and I love you both!
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I almost changed the theme of a wedding to a Walking Dead one but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who is glad a wedding cake didn’t make it to a wedding because pie…always pie… Running. The experiment continues…