I have been traveling a lot this summer and that means one thing…flying. I don’t really like flying very much. If I could take the train everywhere I would. But taking the train requires extra days to travel and sometimes I just don’t have that luxury. One of the reasons I hate flying is all the security stuff you have to go through. I know it is necessary but it is a little stressful. Riding on the train you just don’t have that. You just get on the train and ride to your destination. I have seen someone arrested on the train…that was exciting, but not stressful. Flying for me is just stressful. If I can, I like to fly out of Flagstaff’s airport because it is small and the security doesn’t even open till about 15 minutes before you board. It is relaxed and not rushed like in a big city. This is not always possible like when my Bubby and our Mom flew to Iowa for our Aunt’s funeral. Bubby and I drove down to Phoenix to pick up our Mom and we flew from Phoenix to Des Moines and back. Now if you think I hate flying and it is stressful for me, my Mom is a nervous flyer and worse than me. So lets put those two things together and you will get a situation that almost ended up with me being strip searched and a flashlight shoved up my bum by TSA flying home from Iowa.
Because we were only going for a few days, we all took carry on bags to make things simpler and quicker. On our way home, we had been given various item by my Aunty T and that made our bags heavier and full. Mine was stuffed full actually. So I knew it might be hard to see everything in there when they put it through the x-ray scanner. But, it was the only way to get it all home. Now, our Mom qualifies for TSA pre-check, which means she gets through the line quicker because she doesn’t have to take off her shoes, sweater or any of those other things. She can even go in a separate line and get done way before me and Bubby so we agreed she would wait for us at the end of all the security hoopla. We get up to the conveyor belt and I start to get nervous, trying to remember if I took everything out of my pockets and such before I entered the scanner. Bubby went through before me and as I was going in I hear him talking to the TSA guy about the fact that he forgot he had a half drank bottle of Mountain Dew in the side pocket of his backpack. He told them to just throw it away. As I entered the scanner, I heard Mom, who was sitting at the end of the tables, ask why they were talking to him and Bubby telling her it was fine. Mom continued to ask him why he had that in there and he told her he just forgot as he continued to gather his stuff. I stepped out of the scanner and the TSA agent told me to step to the side because the scanner picked up “something” on me. Ok. I can do that, At the same time, the other TSA agent asked whose bag mine was and when I acknowledged it, he told me they had to put it back through the scanner. Ok I figured. Now here is where I wished my Mom, although I love her, had kept her mouth shut.
The female TSA agent who asked me to step aside told me something on my butt looked “weird” so she was gonna pat me down. Wow I didn’t know this trip came with a free ass grab, but ok. I hear my Mom say to Bubby, who is still gathering his stuff, start to talk quite loudly to him. Here is how the conversation went between all of us, much to my chagrin and the amusement of the TSA agents.
Mom: “What is wrong with your sister’s bag? Why are they running it again?”
Bubby: “Mom, it’s fine. It is just full. We will be right there.”
Mom (who has now noticed I am getting my ass grabbed by the TSA agent and whose voice grows in loudness): “Oh my God Kristann! What did you do that you have to be patted down? What are you trying to sneak in?”
Me (now embarrassed beyond belief but realizing it is just the studs on my jeans) to the TSA agent: “Is it the studs on the pockets on my jeans? So sorry about my Mom…just ignore her.” TSA agent smiles slightly but continues to grab my ass for quite a pat down.
Bubby (at the same time I am talking to the TSA agent and wondering if she is gonna feel up my boobs too): “MOM! Stop! It is fine! It is just her jeans. She didn’t do anything wrong. We will be right there!” Looks over at me and rolls his eyes and looks surprised at the TSA agent still grabbing my ass.
TSA agent (who finally has let go of my ass): “I need to see your palms please.” Oh great…now I get a gun powder residue check as I quickly try to remember if I handled any firearms…yeah our family is like that. I turn my palms over for the check and the cacophony around me between my Bubby and my Mom continues like this:
Mom (whose voice now seems even louder and shriller to me as I cringe at the looks the TSA agents are now giving me, like I have something to hide): “Why are they checking her palms? What are they doing? First your bags, then your sister gets patted down and now this. Kristann? What are you doing? Why are they doing all this to you? Are you hiding something or smuggling something?”
Bubby: “Mom! Serious! She is fine…it is a random check. Just sit there and wait!” He has now gotten so flustered he cannot fasten his belt and has tried to put on my shoe. He looks over at me to check on me again and I give him a smile and tilt my head to the shoe he is trying to put on that is not his. He quickly realizes his error and puts my shoe back. Thank goodness Mom has now stopped making me feel like a criminal and is now just waiting for us.
The other TSA agent has finally cleared my bag and it is through the x-ray machine but the female one who grabbed my ass for an uncomfortable amount of time is still looking at me skeptically as she wipes my hands. I am starting to wonder if she is gonna take me into the back, make me strip search and shove a flashlight up my bum and my va-jay-jay to make sure I have no drugs or explosives smuggled in there. Thankfully, she finishes and whispers “Don’t worry…I have a Mom who is a nervous flyer too. Just take a deep breath.” I nervously giggle and make my way over to grab my stuff making sure I bend over in her general direction since she enjoyed grabbing my ass so much. Bubby and I quickly get out of there before they decide to strip search me and get our Mom, who is still questioning me as to what I did to make them do all that to me. I take a deep breath and answer her “Mom, the TSA agent just wanted to feel me up and get a piece of my sweet sweet ass. That’s all.” I got a quick swat on the arm for that answer but the questions stopped and the rest of the journey home was uneventful. Mom…next time just let me get some action from the nice TSA agent, ok? A girl has to get some somehow…
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did almost get strip searched because of studs on my jeans and a vocal mother but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl whose ass got groped a little long but avoided the flashlight up my bum Running. The experiment continues…