Remember how much of an asshole my kidney was being? Well, I went into to see the Pee-Pee doctor a couple of weeks ago to see if I had flushed that damn stone out. I mean I was drinking so much water that I was sloshing around as I walked. I went in feeling confident it must have passed only to have Pee-Pee doctor tell me it hadn’t. Asshole kidney. Guess what that meant? More surgery to remove it. I could have waited, but I was due to travel to Seattle and didn’t want to end up at Seattle Grace with McDreamy looking all up in my business, so surgery it had to be. BFF was unable to take me to surgery due to work so enlisted one of my other friends MA to help me out. Damn asshole kidney.
So there I was, having more surgery on my lady business…but at least this time I did it at an outpatient surgery center and knew I would go home that same day. Unfortunately, Pee-Pee doctor told me I would have to have another stent placed that I would then remove when I was up in Seattle. Oh joy. That sounds like so much fun…not. Good thing I did the Fat Girl gymnastics to shave the jungle forest that was growing down there since I was gonna have a bunch of people all up in there, including BFF who was gonna have to pull the stent. Also a good thing was the anesthesiologist was one I knew and gave me good drugs before wheeling me into the OR. A little propofol, or MJ juice as I like to call it, was given to me and quickly I felt like my head was swimmy and I told MA that all while waving my fingers in front of my face like an idiot. I am pretty funny on the good drugs. Then the nurse started asking me questions and I could barely concentrate on what she was saying. Believe me, I tried. I even tried a deep breath as she was talking to me…who asks a patient questions about their allergies after the MJ juice has been given? For reals. When they wheeled me into the OR, the nurses asked me where I was going on my sleepy vacation. Duh. Disneyland. As I fell asleep, we were discussing rides at Disneyland. Good times.
I woke up rather quickly in the OR and felt the device they used in my airway called an LMA. I know now why patients pull at tubes in their throat…it was all I could do not to pull it out. Thank goodness they removed it right away. Immediately upon arrival to the recovery room, I told the nurse I had to pee…and BADLY. She put a bedpan underneath me but not before I had involuntarily peed on the gurney. WTH? I freaking peed the gurney. Awesome. I chalked it up to coming out of anesthesia at first till she put the bedpan under me and I still could not control my bladder. MA came in to see me and help me get my clothes back on. As I stood up, more urine ran down my leg. Seriously WTH? This didn’t happen with the last surgery. Now I can’t control my bladder? MA asked the nurse for a maxi pad as I was standing there naked, peeing myself. Great friend that she is, she even got all up in my lady business to check the stent and it was fine. Really glad I shaved now. I asked to be wheeled to the potty once I was dressed, feeling urine leaking the entire time. By the time I got to the bathroom, the pad was soaked so I put on another one, which I also immediately soaked. Seriously. This was crazy. MA at least thought to ask for a pad to put underneath me in her car. The nurse never once said anything about this bladder leaking. I was worried I would not be able to control my bladder for the rest of my life at this point. MA and I started laughing in her car about me having to wear an astronaut diaper on the plane to Seattle when I looked at her and said “I am peeing my pants. Right now. In your car. Your car has just been christened…with my pee. Awesome.” That led us to hysterics and for me to completely soak my pants with my own urine. Yup. Totally christened MA’s car with my urine.
Upon getting home, I opted to go straight to the toilet and sit while MA went and filled my prescriptions and got me Poise pads to put in my underwear. Great. It had come to this. At age 43, I was gonna have to start wearing Poise pads in my chonies and astronaut diapers while traveling because my kidney was an asshole. I was sitting there on the potty, leaking urine, when I got curious about the stent. So I took a look at my own lady business. There staring back at me was..the stent. Or at least a good chunk of it. Hanging out of my urethra franklin. This could not be good. Pretty sure that was not normal. I quickly walked to grab my phone sans pants at this point with a pad shoved between my legs. I am so sexy. A quick phone call to Pee-Pee doctor’s office and they confirmed this was for sure not normal. I was instructed to take two pain pills , wait an hour and pull it out. The office even told me if I didn’t pull it out, I would leak urine all the time. Well…this makes a bit more sense. It must have been dislodged from the minute I hit the recovery room. Awesome. Of course this was me. Nothing is ever simple or normal with me. A quick call to MA and I explained the situation. At this point, Bubby and Pocket GF have come over to stay with me and all I can do is tell them the situation from the potty in my bathroom. Pretty sure I do not want either one of them all up in my lady business so I wait for MA to come back from the store. Good thing I have great friends. MA returned and looked into my lady business again to also confirm that the stent was now hanging out. I was done with sitting on the potty, not controlling my bladder, so MA and I decided just to pull the damn thing out. Good thing I am also not modest as we grabbed the offending stent and pulled it out of my urethra franklin. Immediately, I could control my bladder and I was more comfortable. Whew. My fleeting vision of a lifetime of astronaut diapers and Poise pads was dismissed. Again, I am so grateful for my friend MA and the laughter we had that day. Let’s hope my kidney quits being an asshole now. Jerk.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did think I was going to be condemned to wearing astronaut diapers for the rest of my life, but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who christens my friend’s car with my own urine Running. The experiment continues…