My Kidney Is An Asshole


So I went to visit my Seester since it had been a year since we had seen each other (horror!) and she having just had surgery on her foot was unable to travel.  Off to Texas with me then!!  We did all the fun things you do with Seesters…shopping, sushi, shopping, more sushi, discussing books…you know the usual. We even drove up to Little Rock, Arkansas to pick up our baby sister and visit my Dad.  When we returned the next day, baby sister in tow, my kidney decided to become an asshole.

We had just gotten back from Little Rock when I noticed my back was hurting.  Of course, I thought it was just the way I had been sitting in the car for the last six hours.  Now, a couple of days before we went on our trip I had noticed it seemed to feel like I had to pee an awful lot and like my bladder was spasming again like after the surgery.  I had even texted that to BFF and made up my mind that I would go see the Pee-Pee Doctor when I got home.  This pain, however, was just like last time but started to intensify in increments and brought along it’s lovely friend nausea.  It was so horrid that I excused myself to lie down and texted BFF to ask her what I should do.  We agreed I should go and ask my Seester or BIL to take me to the nearest ED since the pain was worsening and nausea was increasing.  Seester, who was worried, agreed and we set off to the nearest ED which, luckily for me, was just down the street from Seester’s house.

After getting checked in, I was taken right back since I could not even sit still long enough for the poor nurse to take my vitals because of the pain.  The room we were put in was like an ice box and changing into the oh so warm and soft (can you hear the sarcasm?) patient gown gave a new meaning to goosebumps.  You could have cut glass with…well you get it.  Soon, I had an IV started and labs drawn and was hoping for pain meds to make the increasing level of pain go away.  The doc came in and I swear I got the India version of Doogie Howser because he looked to be all of twelve.  Guess what he told me was wrong?  Kidney stone!  Really?  For serious didn’t I just go through this?  Yup.  My kidney is an asshole and decided to give me a kidney stone on my trip.  Awesome. I could barely focus on what India Doogie was saying as the pain was escalating to the point that I was going to start throwing things or going on a vagina punching rampage.  He quickly said he would go order me some.  I might have scared him with my demonic faces as I was trying to talk to him.  Tick tock tick tock….Now I am writhing in pain on the gurney and sobbing, begging my Seester to make the pain stop.  Seester, fed up with waiting, did her best Shirley MacLaine impression from Terms of Endearment. She hobbled out to the nurses station, crutches and walking boot and all, slammed down her fist and demanded I get pain meds.  Thank you Seester.  The poor nurse that came in kept apologizing to us for the delay and immediately I felt relief.  Medicated and with orders to call my own Pee-Pee Doctor in the morning since I was flying home in two days, I left the ED and went back to Seester’s house, where my sweet baby sister handed me a beaded necklace she had made me to make me feel better.

Once I flew back home two days later, BFF and I went up to get an Xray and see the Pee-Pee Doctor.  Yup.  he was pretty sure that I was correct in saying my kidney is an asshole and that there was a stone.  A CT later and confirmation…my kidney is definitely an asshole.  A small kidney stone can be seen and we are hoping I pass it soon and do not need another procedure to remove it.  Oh joy.  Listen asshole of a kidney…quit this already.  I really do not like these stones as they are quite painful and make me want to do torturous things like pull out chest hairs one by one on a really hairy guy.  That could prove to be fun.  Let’s hope I pass it soon.  I have desperately trying to flush my system to get it to pass.  I blame my kidney.  My kidney is for sure an asshole.  Jerk. 

Oh yeah…I didn’t die today.  I did however have a little kink in my trip to my Seester and BIL and get treated by India’s Doogie Howser but I didn’t die.   I am Fat Girl with a kidney who is an asshole Running.  The experiment continues…

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