I regaled you all with the first part of my birth story of Luke the Kidney Boulder. Trust me, that was not an experience I want to repeat. EVER. Surgery and I do not mix, even if they do come with Light Saber sound effects. But what happens after you give birth to such a large kidney stone? Well sit still, dear readers, and I shall finish my tale.
One of the advantages of working at a hospital where you are going to have surgery is that you know who you want to do your anesthesia. I highly encourage any of you who are going to have surgery to ask nurses or people who have had surgery before to recommend an anesthesiologist for you. I have trouble with the magic sleepy drugs and also my airway does not like to play well with the tube they like to put down you. So, hearing I was going to have to be put under, I specifically requested the Sleepy Magic Doc that did my hysterectomy because I was hoping I would not have to have a plastic tube in my throat and not barf my guts out. I wanted to rejoice when he showed up in pre-op and offered to do a spinal and just give me enough happy sleepy drugs to not care if I heard the laser sound effects and truly not remember them anyways. And no tube. Perfection. When I was wheeled in to the recovery room, I could not feel anything from the waist down. At. All. What a weird feeling to try to move my legs and they didn’t go anywhere. I stared at them, like they were not my own, willing them to move. “Ok left foot. We are going to wiggle now. Ready…go” And using my best Jedi mind powers I tried to will that foot to move with no result. Slowly, I was able to move them a bit but it felt very jerky and almost like my legs were being controlled by puppet strings. So bizarre. When BFF and the PACU nurse tried to get me up the first time, my legs would not hold their own weight and felt like jello legs. Of course, in order to go home, which I desperately wanted to do, I had to be able to walk and pee. Wait…you want me to pee after you shoved a Light Saber up my Urethra Franklin and destroyed the Death Star? Huh. Ok then. Challenge accepted.
Since the Sleepy Magic Doc had done such a good job of giving me a spinal, it took 5 hours for it to wear off. 5 hours! During that time I took that peeing challenge to heart, although my legs would not cooperate. I wondered if I just wet myself if that would count. But then sitting in a puddle of my own pee was not a fun thought. First attempt to pass the challenge presented to me resulted in me sitting on a potty chair next to the bed because my legs were so wobbly I could not walk to the bathroom. Yeah. Like I was gonna be able to pee with an audience. For serious. Especially since I work in that facility and know half of the PACU nurses. My bladder and Urethra Franklin both became very shy and the tiny amount of urine I eeked out did not count. I willed my legs to work and somehow made it to the real potty where I completed the challenge and was able to go home. I neer back down from a challenge I tell you. Now, the other thing the Pee-Pee Doctor did was put a stent up my Urethra Franklin that had to stay in till I saw him in the office. What is a stent you ask? It is a tube placed there to help the Urethra Franklin heal with one end in my kidney and one end in my bladder. The result: I felt like I constantly had to pee for a week. Yup a week. It was so uncomfortable. That and the medication they gave me to stop the spasms turned my urine this nice bright fluorescent orange color that stained everything. Don’t wear new unders when taking that medication or buy stock in pantiliners. I did both. Removing the stent was an experience I also never want to repeat.
To remove it, Pee-Pee Doc told me he was putting an instrument up my Urethra Franklin, fill my bladder full of water, grab the stent and pull it out. Excuse me? You wanna put what where? Do what to who? And I will be awake, just chilling while you are all down in my business shoving go knows what up into my Urethra Franklin? Oh hell no. Thank goodness I have the world’s best BFF who arranged to come with me and hold my hand. The thought of anyone putting anything up my Uretha Franklin while I was awake actually put me in a state of anxiety for a week. Yup, sure enough, there I was…my lady business all hanging out (thank goodness I had done Fat Girl gymnastics to shave the jungle) and Pee-Pee doctor reached for the scope to put up in there. My toes curled, my eyes shut, BFF holding my hand and I hear him say he can’t get it into my bladder. BFF quietly leans over and tells me to take a deep breath, which I did and magically he was able to grab the stent and pull it out, water and urine and all. Guess I was so tense even my bladder would not cooperate. Afterwards, I was sitting in a puddle of water and urine and the tech hands me a stack of 4×4 gauze to lean up with….really? How about a towel? Like some gauze was gonna even begin to be able to cleanup this Fat Girl’s flass. But I was ever so grateful to have that stent out of my Urethra Franklin. And so ends my kidney boulder saga. One I hope never to repeat.
Today I also got some fun news from Boss Bean over at inknbeans.com The cover for book number 2 is here! So here you go fans:
How cool is that? I am so excited. Fat Girl Happy Dance of Joy commencing in 3…2…1 Oh and also do not forget I am doing a fan appreciation signed book giveaway on my Facebook page. Here is the link as well: http://tinyurl.com/lvsmjva Get in on the fun and a chance to win!!
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did try out my Jedi mind powers without much success but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who is quite done with things being put up in my Urethra Franklin and a cover for book 2 Running. The experiment continues….