A Birthing Tale….Part 1

Where has The Fat Girl been you are wondering?  Holy canoli Batman…what a crazy month.  It started out all nice and sweet, just hanging with the BFF for her birthday (more about that another time) and finishing up writing the manuscript for Book #2 so I could meet my deadline with my publisher, when it took a horrible turn for the bad and just got worse.  Now, let’s just say I do not do anything small.  At all.  A Fat Girl lives her life large and in charge.  So when I started having horrid back pain right after BFF’s birthday-palooza that I could not handle, I knew something was desperately wrong.

Let’s be perfectly clear.  I have a VERY high threshold for pain.  I mean I did walk around on a torn meniscus for 6 months before I could not handle it anymore and had surgery.  I had been having back pain off and on since December but since I had sciatica, I just did what I normally did when it flared with stretching, massage and motrin.  This back pain was different and an entirely different monster in itself.  It started suddenly and nothing I did would relieve it.  I tried motrin, heat, stretches, ice…you name it I tried it.  When BFF came by later in the day, she immediately said she noticed a difference in me.  I could not sit still…not even on the all and powerful couch.  When I did, I was alternating between rocking back and forth and wiggling my feet.  I mostly paced around my living room asking BFF what I should do.  I told her I thought I was trying to pass a kidney stone, since obviously I had Googled AND looked up all my symptoms on Wikipedia so THAT must be it.  Either that or I was birthing a baby, which might have been an Easter miracle considering I have no baby box any more.  Birthing pains are what passing a kidney stone has been compared to by many people and BFF says I would have made a great woman in labor.  I literally would stop what I was doing and say to her “Hang on…there it is again.”  A few deep breaths later and a scrunch of my face and my conversation with her would continue.  Being the great patient that I am, I wouldn’t let her take me to the ED.  Instead, I gratefully took the pain pills she found for me that were left over from my surgery in Sept (yes…I am aware of how bad of a patient nurses are) and promptly fell asleep.

The next day, I went to see my doc.  She thought I was also trying to birth a kidney stone and ordered me to get a CT that had actually been ordered back in December when I had back pain.  I just didn’t think I needed it then because of course I had already diagnosed myself with the help of my friends Google and Wikipedia with sciatica.  (I also received a lecture from her about how horrible nurses are as patients) She then gave me the most painful shot of my life of antibiotics into my flass in case it was a kidney infection.  Seriously…that hurt worse than the back pain.  I also now feel so terrible for all the kiddos I have ever given that shot to in the hospital.  It felt like peanut butter on fire going into my flass.  Horrid I tell you.  A couple of days later, CT completed with labs drawn, back pain still in progress off and on and I called to get my results.  The NP then surprisingly says to me that all my results are VERY concerning and she was calling the Pee-Pee Doctor on call to see what needed to be done as I had a VERY large kidney stone.  Huh.  There I was, minding my own business, sitting on my couch in my jammies eating Skittles when she called me back and gave me my hospital room number to check into.  Huh…what? I am pretty sure I choked on a Skittle when she told me that the stone was so large that I needed to have surgery in the morning.  I even tried to reason with her that I could just show up in the morning when she told me I was a very sick Fat Girl and needed to report to the hospital pronto.  Say what?  I don’t feel sick.  I just have back spasms every now and then. I hadn’t even really taken anything except for Motrin in days.  I was so floored that I could not even think of what to do or say except to immediately call BFF who hightailed it over to my house to take me and hear what the Pee-Pee Doctor had to say.

Pee-Pee Doctor came by once I was checked into the hospital (nothing like being a patient in your own facility and having to call in sick from your patient room) to tell me that I indeed was trying to birth a kidney stone but that it was stuck and I would NEVER pass it on my own.  Why?  Because it was 6mm x 2cm big and normally your ureter is 3-4 mm in diameter.  Holy blocked Urethra Franklin Batman!  That’s no stone….that’s a boulder!  He told me it was so stuck that I had urine backed up into my kidney and was indeed a very sick Fat Girl.  He was even nice enough to draw me a picture on the sheet on my bed.  I really wanted to steal that sheet and keep it as a souvenir but they took it from me.

Pic of my Urethra Franklin with my kidney boulder that the Pee-Pee Doctor drew me. Although…it does sort of look like a pee-pee

Pee-Pee Doctor even explained the whole surgery to me and how they would put a laser up my Urethra Franklin and break up the boulder.  I felt like I was going to be in an episode of the Star Wars movie saga.  Like he was gonna take a LightSaber up in there, special effects and all, and destroy the Death Star that was in my Urethra Franklin.  I swear if I had heard the pew-pew of tiny lasers in the operating room I would have started laughing.  Then he told me he was going to put a tube in there to let it heal that would stay in for a bit after surgery.  That is a whole different experience that I shall get into in part two.  So, the next day, starving since nothing to eat since midnight and my surgery was in the afternoon, off I went to give birth to my kidney boulder, who I have now named Luke in honor of the Star Wars episode my surgery was certain to be. There might have been some pew-pew sound effects but I had happy drugs and didn’t care.  So there I shall leave it for now….I birthed a boulder and that is why you have not heard from me.

In celebration of me still getting my manuscript to my editor in time, in spite the birth of Luke the kidney boulder, I am doing a signed book giveaway on my Facebook page!  Go on over and enter…so many ways to win!  You can access my Facebook page right on the side over there….and then go to the Giveaway tab to find it!!  Simple and easy!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I instead decided to star in my own episode of Star Wars but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who gave birth to Luke the kidney boulder Running.  The experiment continues…..

2 thoughts on “A Birthing Tale….Part 1

  1. Shanelle May 14, 2014 / 3:04 pm

    You are HYSTERICAL!! Pee-pee and pew-pew sound effects! Uretha Franklin! oh my sides hurt! LOL

Leave a Reply