The Fat Girl Running – Kristann Monaghan

I have found a new talent.  One I am so good at I could gold medal in it if it were an Olympic sport.  The art of procrastinating.   I mean I truly excel at this.  Even now I am supposed to be writing and editing for the second book and here I am writing about how I have been procrastinating for the last two hours instead of actually working on my book.  Sigh.  I try…I really do.  Just so many things come up to distract me since I have the attention span of a gnat.  Let’s discuss the ways I find to procrastinate.  This diagram is perfect for me:

So let’s start at the very beginning. A very good place to start….wait….those are song lyrics.  See…attention span of a gnat. I have every intention of working.  I get out my laptop.  I put on a movie I have seen a million times over (Pitch Perfect is a favorite to write to lately.  Tonight I chose Say Anything because who doesn’t love Lloyd Dobbler?).  I open up the rough draft and suddenly the above diagram takes place.  First up is usually Binge Eating.  Why?  Because somehow, even if I have just eaten dinner, my stomach decides it needs to eat.  And not healthy food either…Nope.  Skittles are usually the first thing I reach for because I think I can eat just a few.  Who the eff am I kidding?  The whole bag will disappear while I watch the movie I put on because I didn’t need to watch it while the computer sits there staring evilly at me.  I might move on to popcorn or ice cream next as I still feel the need to eat.  If I am eating, then my fingers can’t type.  Sigh.  This also usually involves several trips to the kitchen where I will repeatedly open the pantry, fridge and freezer in hopes that the contents have changed in the last few minutes and I will find something new to snack on.  Why do I stand there and stare at the contents?  Are they going to magically change into an unlimited supply of original Skittles (the REAL ones not those gross green apple ones they call original)?  Probably not, but let me look one last time…

Discouraged Napping usually occurs after I have stuffed myself so full of junk that I am now sleepy.  Add into that the fact that I am usually dressed in comfy sweats and covered up with a soft blanket on my couch that eats my soul and it is warm…and pretty soon my eyes will start to threaten to close.  I mean, I don’t need to pay attention to the movie I am “not” watching, right?  And maybe an idea will come to me in a dream.  Or maybe a nap will revitalize me and I will feel like writing since I can’t seem to get motivated.  So if I let me eyes close for just a few minutes…it won’t hurt right?  Pretty soon I am nodding off and sliding down into a perfect napping position on the Evil Couch.  A two hour coma later and I decided it is time to move on to the next step in the pie chart.

Ok…self, I usually say.  Let’s do this.  You have a deadline to make.  Laptop open.  Rough draft in front of me.  Here we go.  Wait.  I haven’t checked out what had been happening on Facebook since I took a nap.  That won’t take long.  Here is where Random Internet Surfing starts.  It starts with a “quick” check of Facebook.  It will then move on to taking random quizzes for fun, messing around on Pintrest, answering email, playing a game or two, watching midget porn, looking up random facts about porn…you name it, the internet is way to get lost for several hours.  And this will inevitably lead back to eating….because that is what Fat Girls do.  Eventually, the internet or the midget porn or the movie I am “not” watching will give me the one thing I am looking for…Inspiration.

Inspiration will get me going  and then the actual work will start.  Like tonights blog for example…I got my inspiration from my own procrastination.  And here I am writing for you all and hopefully this will lead to finishing up some writing for the second book.  Of course lots of times I look at the clock and go “Holy poop…look at how late it is!”  Luckily, being a night owl does have its advantages.  I do some of my best work late at night.  Of course that usually leads to napping during the day…see how this is a vicious cycle of procrastination.  One I assure you I excel at like no other.  I mean, I have just spent the last two hours writing about procrastinating…gold medal worthy for real.  And why are there no Skittles in my house?  Maybe if I go check the pantry one last time…

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did do my usual procrastinating when it comes to me having to do something like write my book and get it to my publisher on time but I didn’t die.  I m Fat Girl gonna go Random Internet Surfing now because I need to find more midget porn Running.  The experiment continues…