So we all know how much I DESPISE my neighbors. I mean really despise them. The fact that I am surrounded by rentals probably compounds that fact since most of them are college students. And rude ones at that. You would think the last run in with the Po-Po over parking in my driveway would have taught them how tolerant I am to them. But, alas, this did not. This last run in occurred after a snow storm while I was at work. I came home after white knuckling it down the barely plowed streets of Flagstaff (seriously the city workers need to learn how to plow) and pulled into my driveway. I went in and changed my clothes to go and clear my driveway as scrubs are not the warmest clothes. I brave the sub arctic temperatures at 8 am and start-up the snow blower to clear my drive so that I may go in and go to bed and not have 12 feet to clear when I got up at 4 pm to go to work again. Should be simple, right? I get several swipes done when I see one of these wonderful and oh so considerate neighbors of mine that like to park in my driveway coming out of their house. And not really dressed for the cold, I might add. Nor for being in the snow. In fact, he is in his jammies and coming over to my house. Great. He waves at me to get my attention and so I politely stop what I am doing even though I am tired, cold and now annoyed. The following conversation happens: Obviously cold shivering neighbor: “Do you really have to run that snow blower so early in the morning? We are trying to sleep” Me with what could only be described as an incredulous how stupid are you look on my face: “It’s 8 am and yes I do. I need to clear it so I can go to bed and sleep.” Shivering hung over and now increasingly annoying neighbor: “You are making a lot of noise you know. I could call the police and report you. You really should wait until after 10 am to do this.” Me now pissed annoyed and trying not to laugh: “Go right ahead and call the police Buddy. I am clearing my driveway for safety so that I can go to work to save children’s lives later. Your hangover is no concern of mine and at 10 am I plan on being sound asleep so that I can actually do something with my life and not drown it in beer. How about you take the time to clear your own driveway and not park in mine?” Blue lipped slightly green now EXTREMELY annoying neighbor: “You have no consideration for others you know. This is a violation of the noise ordinance and I am calling the police.” Me: “Go right ahead and call because I am sure they have nothing better to do today than bother a public servant trying to clear off her driveway at 8 am so children don’t die. Let’s see how that works out for ya. Have a great day.” Now insert sound of snow blower starting up here and snow being blown on stupid annoying as fuck neighbor. Pretty sure the Po-Po never came out to talk to me about me using my snow blower to clear my driveway. Also pretty sure that neighbor was even colder as he walked back to his house covered in snow. Hey. Don’t stand in the direction of the blower spout. Just saying.
Thank goodness I am going on vacation this weekend with my BFF. House of Mouse here we come (did you think we would go anywhere else?). I need a break from the snow and the annoying neighbors. In fact, BFF and I are so excited to go to DL that we have already planned out where we are eating. Yes I said eating. That is what happens when you go on vacation with the Fat Girl. You plan where to eat. I cannot help it that three different ice cream places are on that list either. It just happens. In preparation for vacation, though, BFF and I made a trip to Kohl’s to buy me some new jeans because I am wearing the same two pair over and over now. Sigh. We all know how much I hate pants shopping. About as much as I enjoy going to the duck lip appointment or dealing with my annoying neighbors. As I walked quickly to the Fat Girl section, BFF stops me and says that she thinks I am shopping in the wrong department now. I laughed. Nope. Trust me. I need the pants that have the huge W behind the number as if the double-digit size is not enough humiliation but the manufacturers actually have to put W for WIDE ASS behind it. Into the dressing room we go with an arm full of jeans. BFF is there for moral support and to make sure I don’t have camel toe. Seriously. You need someone to tell you if you have camel toe before you put on your new pants thinking you look all hot and there you are showing your camel toe to the world. Not pretty. First pair slide on a little too easily that makes me look at the size. Huh. Too big. Second pair a size smaller and still a little big. BFF smiles and runs out for more sizes. She hands me a pair that makes the Fat Girl in me shiver and want to throw up. It is a pair without the huge W behind them. I hand them back to her shaking my head. There is no way my fat is gonna stuff itself into those pants. I don’t wanna look like a stuffed sausage even if they don’t give me camel toe. BFF insists so I decide to suffer the humiliation and try them on. I know I can cry in front of her if they don’t fit and she will understand. And take me for pie. She proceeds to tell me that the W sizes only go to 14 and those were slightly roomy on me so to trust her. I gulp and put them on. And before I can even shockingly zip them up and stare, BFF is doing the Happy Dance Of Joy for The Fat Girl…because THEY FIT. A pair of pants without the W behind them FIT. of course then I had to deal with her saying “I told you that you were shopping in the wrong section”. There is now video again at Kohl’s of 2 girls doing the Happy Dance Of Joy in the dressing room. At least we weren’t naked. Only semi naked. Let’s hope nobody mistakes that dressing room video as some form of weird Fat Girl dance lesbian porn. Since BFF insisted I try on a smaller size, I insisted she do the same and we did the Dance again as hers fit as well. And no camel toe for either of us. Happy pre vacation to us!
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I instead triumphantly covered an annoying neighbor with snow and created another YouTube dressing room video. I am fat girl celebrating no camel toe with my BFF today running. The experiment continues….