The Fat Girl Running – Kristann Monaghan

Ever look back on a situation and realize that it was completely ridiculous?  And I don’t mean a little ridiculous, but deep down did that really just happen ridiculous.  I had two of these events recently and they both centered around my driveway.  Seriously.  My driveway.  Why should a piece of concrete yield such troubles?  Well, lets just say it starts with my neighbors…

To say I dislike my neighbors is really an understatement.  I loathe them.  And for various reasons.  But this one really takes the cake.  I went outside one day to see if my driveway needed to be cleared off since it had been snowing.  When my garage door opened, I saw a car in my driveway.  Considering my car was parked in my garage and neither my BFF, my Bubby nor my Bestie were over, I could only presume that this car belonged to one of my neighbors.  I stood there incredulous that someone actually had the huevos to park in my driveway and then I saw the second car…parked up on the sidewalk and into my yard.  Are you kidding me?  Seriously someone not only parked in my driveway, thereby blocking me in but also had parked in my yard!  I recognized the cars as those belonging to my neighbors across the street (not the Jesus Party Boys but the other house full of college kids) so I marched over there and knocked on the door.  I told the very sleepy (it was noon by the way) young man that they had 5 minutes to move their vehicles or I was calling the police.  I was given a surly ok and door slammed in my face.  Alrighty then.  I was nice but now the Fat Girl was PISSED.  This was beyond ridiculous.  Cops were immediately called and I stood outside waiting for them to arrive.  Not once did I see any sort of life form emerge from the house across the street.  Not until someone over there must have seen the cops arrive.  Mr Po-Po was in the middle of writing them tickets when they came running over to explain their reasons for using my yard and driveway to park their vehicles.  Really?  You have a reason?  Since when is it ok to park in someone’s yard or their driveway?  Your excuse about your own driveway not being cleared of the snow and you wanted to avoid a parking on the street ticket is invalid dear obvious hung over college student.  And the fact that you thought I was not home is really stupid of you to say.  Who cares if I was home or not?  Mr. Po-Po was obviously as flummoxed as I was by their rationale.  He informed them under no circumstances was it ever ok to park in someone else’s yard or driveway.  I looked at them quizzically and said “What if I had to leave in the middle of the night to go to work to take care of a sick kid?  What if some kid had died because a PICU nurse could not get to work?”  At hearing this, Mr Po-Po turned to me, smiling and said “Oh!  You are a nurse?  Well then, boys, now you are getting another ticket for interfering with a public servant.”  I do believe he said this gleefully as he wrote a second ticket for each now green looking hung over college boys.  Then he told them to move the cars immediately or he would call a tow truck himself and that he hoped that they enjoyed the 2 tickets that were now totalling more than a ticket for parking on the street would have cost them.  Take that parking in my driveway stupid college boys.  Pretty sure that better not happen again.  Vengeance is mine!

Not so long after the wonder of having vengeance served in my driveway, I went out to go get the yummies to make Christmas cookies and attempted to open my garage door.  Attempted as the door opened only an inch.  I pushed the button several times and it would shut but then only opened an inch again.  I went and looked at the door and could not find anything wrong.  Again I pushed the button, even trying the one in my car because that is what a Fat Girl does….repeats the futile button pushing until I realize that this was getting me no where.  Since I needed to get my car out of the garage in order to go to the store to make the deliciousness that is my Christmas cookies, I decided to open it manually.  My Bubby had shown me how once when the power went out.  So, being a smart Fat Girl, I pulled the red cord and attempted to lift the door open myself.  Attempted to give myself a hernia is more like it.  Holy cow is that door heavy.  I texted BFF to tell her what was going on and she and I troubleshooted some more but to no avail.  Now to say I was getting a little panicked in the thought of being stranded in my own house was an understatement.  I decided it would be best to try to open the door from the front because that handle was easier to use.  I went out front, unlocked the door and turned the handle and attempted to open the door again.  The handle promptly came off in my hands.  Literally came off.  I then found myself sitting in my driveway sobbing and laughing as I realized I could not get out of my garage.  Yup.  Sitting and alternately sobbing and laughing in my driveway. To my defense, I was taking some hormones for a cyst in the female nether regions so that might have had some contribution to my crying.  Yes.  Let’s blame it on the extra hormones.  And thank goodness BFF could read the panic in my texts and quickly came over even though when she called me I was crying.  Between the two of us and a few ladders, we did manage to get the door open so I was no longer stranded and crying n my driveway.  Good lord….that was also ridiculous.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however go between anger, vengeance and tears over the driveway of all things.  I am fat girl with a lot of hormones rushing through my body causing me to have all kinds of emotions running.