There is a new form of evil that has just moved into F-town. It is an evil that is very hard for me to resist in the form of food. No…I am not talking about Chick-Fil-Hate which unfortunately has also invaded our town ( I shall leave that one alone for it is sure to spark some controversy). This evil comes in the form of these delicious wonderous things called Dunkin Donuts. Seriously. This is my kryptonite. It is the subject of many a Fat Girl binge food runs. Why do these things have to be so delicious? Why must they taunt me and tempt me every time I drive by….and of course this new form of kryptonite is located on the main drag of town. You may wonder what the big deal is but you see, there has not been a donut shop in F-town since I was in college. And really…Safeway just doesn’t cut it. Once on a trip to Maine, we saw a Dunkin Donuts 5 minutes after leaving the airport and we literally pulled over several lanes on the freeway to get some….we didn’t care what traffic rules we just broke to get there. There were donuts involved people! I thought maybe I could avoid them and not stuff the delicious filled gems into my pie hole (mmmmm……pie) for a few weeks, but alas I was foiled.
These fun-filled bites of joy have been showing up everywhere despite my attempts to avoid them. The very first night the store opened one of my co-worker’s baby daddy brought us a dozen. Oh praises to him were sung, dances were danced and babies were promised to be sacrificed for this box of a dozen jewels that was delivered to our unit. The bad thing is that our unit is not very big so having a dozen of these cream filled glorious goodies for our 4 staff was like we were rolling in a vat of powdered sugar and loving it. And I am not joking that dances were danced that night (isn’t every night a good night for dancing?). And what better reason than the unexpected appearance of donuts? Dunkin Donuts Dances Of Joy were created in celebration for their appearance on the unit. They may have involved jigs of many varieties and maybe some clogging but no stripper moves (this is a peds ward remember). I tried to suppress the urge to have a circle of fried fat goodness. I was on a weight loss trend after all. I decided to sit there and try to have a serious discussion with my inner Fat Girl who was screaming, throwing a tantrum and begging for a donut. I decided not to listen to her demands and to not have one. Nope. I wasn’t gonna do it. I was gonna be good. I was not going to give into the two-year old tantrum that was occurring inside me. As I watched others eat them it was like something out of a horror movie with powdered sugar dribbling down people’s lips, sprinkles flying around the room and the scent of fried fat in the air. It was pure torture. Pretty sure my inner Fat Girl was spitting out the carrot sticks I was deliberately shoving in her mouth instead. I had made a pact with BFF that we would only go to the evil Dunkin Donuts together once a month and we would have to work out to go there. But the smell…the box sitting there taunting me….the creme filling…..I picked up the phone and called BFF to explain the direness of the donut situation. I got as far as ” Guess what? We had Dunkin Donuts delivered to the unit” when there was a squeal on the other end of the phone followed by the demand of “You had better bring me a Boston Creme one!” Pretty sure that was not what I expected. I had no idea that BFF would be as excited as we were…I could practically hear her Dunkin Donuts Dance Of Joy coming through the phone line. Pretty sure it involved her clicking her heels together in the air like a Mexican leprechaun (don’t ask…they might exist. How do you know they don’t? Have you ever seen one? Exactly. Tricky little bastards Mexican leprechauns).
Well ok then….it is SO ON Dunkin Donuts. My inner Fat Girl was jumping for joy and I could practically feel the drool coming out of my mouth at the thought of that first bite. I quickly delivered the desired donut to BFF up on her unit (yup…Mexican leprechaun I am telling you) and returned to that apple spice filled powered fluff of wonder that I had been eyeing. Thank goodness it was still there or the co-worker who had it in her hand might have lost an eye as I sporked her for it. Don’t get between a Fat Girl and her donut of choice I am telling you. It will not end well for you. I will spork your eye out. I am pretty sure I caressed that donut like a scene from a form of Fat Girl porn as I took it out of the box and took my first bite. It seriously was like taking a bite of heaven for the Fat Girl. Angels might have come down singing the praises of the fat filled goodness that I was consuming but I was too busy eating to care or notice. Was it worth it? Yup. Every single freaking bite. And I would do it again in a heart beat (or at least within the pact I made with BFF or if a Mexican leprechaun really did show up and offer me one because you don’t even turn down a gift from a Mexican leprechaun….just saying).
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did however drive by the Dunkin Donuts today with my head hanging out the window just to get a smell of the powdered fun-filled bites of fried love. I am fat girl who is powerless over my addiction to Dunkin Donuts and who is trying to prove that Mexican leprechauns exist running. The experiment continues….