The Fat Girl Running – Kristann Monaghan

Before the previously mentioned BEST Disney trip ever experience, BFF commented on how she was tired of seeing me hitching up my jeans all the time.  Plus the ones I was wearing really made my flass look even flatter and the fact that I can go potty without having to undo the button or zipper is a clue that these 18 W jeans are too big.  She told me either I go get new jeans before our trip or at least a belt.  I HATE belts.  BFF is a fan of belts but being a Fat Girl, I feel like all belts ever do is cut my fat right in half and make me look even pudgier if that is possible.  Like I need my fat rolls accentuated in any way.  Pretty sure they do a damn good job of that on their own.  But, BFF had a point.  Having been doing Weight Watchers now for a few months, my body has changed even though the exercising has been lax.  I have in fact lost weight but not enough that I thought I needed new jeans.  13.4 pounds is pretty damn good though! That might not seem like a lot to most people but to a Fat Girl that is sheer will power to even stay on a diet.  I am not one who sticks with a diet plan very long so that in itself is an accomplishment.

So…yeah…BFF had a point.  My jeans were a tad big.  To prove her point, she even grabbed them and pulled them away where they were too big, exposing my Fat Girl Granny Panties to any passerby…Okay!  I got it!  I will go home and try on the one pair of size 16 W jeans I keep in my closet for the just in case I lose weight scenario, which I am sure has not been enough at this point to make any difference.  I pull the jeans down and look at them.  I hold them up and sigh.  I just know they are not gonna fit.  There is no way.  This is just gonna be a big disappointment and make me collapse into a puddle of Fat Girl tears and reach for the Skittles.  I braced myself and started pulling on the jeans, waiting for them to get stuck on my thighs.  They didn’t.  Ok then on my hips.  Nope…they were fine.  Then they for sure were not gonna zip or button and I was gonna be left with the telltale you are too fat for these jeans pudge protruding out of the area where the two sides should close.  Wait.  They zip and button without me having to suck in all my air and not breathe for the entire time I have them on.  THEY FIT!  Holy cow!  This can’t be right.  I decided to tempt fate and go actually try on new jeans in the store to make sure.  I also was afraid of BFF de-pantsing me in DL to be honest if I wore the too big jeans there.  Nothing like the fear of a little Fat Girl public humiliation to make you go jeans shopping.

I ended up at Kohl’s and bravely walked into the Fat Girl section and pulled a couple of pair of size 16W jeans off the shelves to try on.  Then I went into the dreaded dressing room and proceeded to strip down to my undies and bra.  Why all the way?  Well, these jeans had really better fit and I wanted to make sure that I did not get some weird Fat Girl push your fat up and out of the way and create a new fat roll look so hence no shirt in trying on the jeans.  I took a deep breath and pulled on the first pair and THEY FIT!  And nope, I didn’t see any new shadow puppets created with my fat on the dressing room wall.  I shimmied off that pair and picked up the next pair which is when I realized I had grabbed a 14W…WTF was I thinking?  This was surely to end badly.  This was gonna end with a tearful call to BFF blaming her for this experience and me risking the threat of public humiliation because if they didn’t fit, then the whole thing was off.  But, you see, I was having a brave Fat Girl moment and decided to try them on anyways risking the tears and inevitable whole coconut cream pie it was gonna take to console me.  Mmmmmmm…..pie.  So there, in the unflattering light of a dressing room, in front of a full length mirror, I tried on the jeans already savoring the coconut cream pie I was gonna buy myself to help get over the misery.  In the midst of my pie thoughts, I hadn’t even realized that I had the jeans on and THEY FIT!  Ok…wait….the tag must be wrong.  I slipped them down to look at the tag and sure enough they said 14W.  Despite my disappointment over no pie, the smile that soon lit up my face replaced all the pie dreams and a Fat Girl Happy Dance occurred right then and there in the dressing room.  As I shimmied out of those jeans that were 2 SIZES SMALLER, a Fat Girl Mostly Naked Happy Dance occurred.  I might have even Gangnam Styled my way across that cubicle (not as good as BFF….she can do it very well!).  Let’s hope there wasn’t a camera in that dressing room (and if there was, and anyone at Kohl’s has it, please send it my way so I can destroy it before it goes viral).  I think a little jumping and high fiving my own reflection might have also happened before I texted BFF the good news.  Then, just in case I was hallucinating because I wanted pie, I quickly got dressed and practically ran to the register to pay for my new 2 SIZES SMALLER jeans.  I even tried them on again at home just to make sure my pie hallucinations had not been real.  Yup.  Fat Girl Victory Dance.  And guess what? They even fit when I went on vacation.  And yesterday post vacation.  Pretty sure I just Gangnam Style danced again.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I am hoping that there is not a Fat Girl Mostly Naked Gangnam Style Dance video out there courtesy of Kohl’s but I didn’t die.  I am fat girl wearing jeans that are 2 sizes smaller and practicing my Gangnam Style dance for next time running.  The experiment continues….