The Fat Girl Running – Kristann Monaghan

I have been all consumed with my love of the Olympics since they started.  It amazes me that these athletes can accomplish the things that they do with their bodies.  I wish I had that dedication and will power.  Oh wait.  I do…to eating.  In thinking about this, however, I decided there are some categories of Fat Girl Olympics that I would probably win a gold medal in.  We all have to have goals, right?

• Fat Girl Gymnastics.  We all know that I participate in this event at least once a week.  Although getting somebody to judge me shaving my girly parts and the gymnastic moves I use to do so might be a little tricky.  I mean, I don’t think there is room for more than two of us in my shower and it might get embarrassing for the judges.  We all no I have no modesty so I can’t see it being embarrassing for me.  I wonder if I would get artistic points for the way I have to move to actually clear out the jungle down there.  If the judges were to stand and look over the shower that would be like creepers.  And scary.  I might look up and screech like a little girl thinking I was in the shower scene of Psycho, slip, get wrapped up in the curtain and fall with nothing short of Fat Girl grace onto the floor.  Would I get more points for this move?  Would it be considered a difficult routine?  If so, then I would definitely get a gold medal.
• Couch Napping.  I am also a gold medal contender in this sport.  I just did a warm up today actually.  I do think I was in very good place the other day after work when I took a marathon 4 hour nap on the couch without even moving from the same position.  I had good form the entire time and I am sure I went longer and farther than most can in the same position.  That should for sure be considered for a gold medal. Seriously.
• Avoiding Chub Rub.  This is definitely a category I have some serious dedication to and really could medal in.  I take all sorts of precautions to avoid this.  As a Fat Girl, this can be very consuming and again I say if you have never had to try to prevent this, then you are NOT fat.  I just do not enjoy my skin chafing off and leaving big blisters in its place when I am trying to walk.  Doing the Chub Rub avoidance walk could also be a sport.  This takes some serious practice if your shorts are not long enough to make sure that no one notices you are trying to avoid a vaginal wedgie.  So not attractive.  Who wants to be seen picking their shorts out of their va-jay-jay?  Ever seen someone do it and wonder what she is fishing for and why she has her hands in her cha-cha in public only to realize her shorts were not supposed to be that short once she pulled out the offensive fabric?  That, my friends, takes some serious talent.  And guts.  And let’s not even go into the fact that her vagina swallowed THAT much fabric. Pretty sure that might have a gag factor to it.  Long shorts are the key to avoiding the dreaded Chub Rub  I tell you.  Although my niece’s BF would definitely take a medal in avoiding taint rub.  He did master the puffy white cloud of baby powder as he walked.  Pretty awesome stuff there.
• Fat Girl Happy Dance Of Joy.  This is for sure the category I would take the highest score in.  I have perfected this one.  I actually have been doing it every week since me and my scale made up over our disagreement that the numbers were moving the wrong way.  Since then, the scale has agreed that the numbers need to only move lower and I have been rewarded with a 6 pound loss in 6 weeks.  This certainly deserves a Fat Girl dance of joy.  In fact, let me practice one more time for you with my clothes on this time.  I would have to say that this Olympic category would have to have a clothing optional choice as I usually do it in my bathroom right after weighing in, so we all know I have nothing on.  Just make sure your curtains are closed if you choose to do it outside your bathroom.  I speak from experience here.

Another thing to celebrate since I last wrote besides my Olympic training is that fact that I was interviewed by a real published author and she put it on her blog.  Seems others find me as funny as I find myself.  I mean, I know I am awesome, but it is nice to hear that others enjoy the trials and tribulations of a Fat Girl.  You can read the interview and see for yourself:  http://swellsbennett.blogspot.com/2012/07/apropos-of-nothing-kristann-monaghan.html

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I instead decided that I would train for a gold medal Fat Girl style.  I am fat girl warming up for another try at that couch napping medal running.  The experiment continues…..