Why The Fat Girl And Haunted Houses Do Not Mix Or Code WP

Today’s traumatic memory was triggered by a comment of a reader about haunted houses and her children.  I have never been a big fan of them so never went into them.  I love horror flicks, but do not like watching them alone so usually go with Bubby to see them as BFF hates them.  I just don’t like people jumping out at me so have always stayed away from haunted houses.  I guess I watch too many shows like Criminal Minds and CSI to like it when people purposely try to scare me….because I know the real horror is out in our world.  But, a few years ago we went to Universal Studios while on my birthday trip to DL and I was convinced to go into one with a group of people.  What happened once inside there is the reason why haunted houses and the Fat Girl do not mix.

The source of all my terror and my wet pants

I was with a fabulous group of people on this trip whom I trusted or I never would have done this.  My BFF, Bubby and my friends Squishy and J saw the House of Horrors and decided we should go in.  J was as skeptical as myself as she HATES the doll Chucky and that is a Universal Studios movie so she didn’t want to go in if Chucky was in there.  I was nervous about going in period and said I would wait for everyone outside.  Bubby convinced me that nothing would happen and promised to hold my hand the entire time (have I mentioned what a sweet little brother I have?)  and that it would be fun.  He even managed to talk J into going in as well and the employee assured us that nobody would touch us when we were in there.  I think my biggest fear was that someone would grab me and whisk me away from the group and torture me, kill me and use my skin as a skinsuit (pretty sure I have issues).  So in we went.  The group looked like this:  Squishy and Bubby led the way with Bubby holding my hand behind him and me clutching his shirt, followed by J clutching onto me and BFF and BFF bringing up the rear.  BFF, by the way, had never been in a haunted house as well and I have to say she was pretty brave to take up the rear.  I was jumping and screaming like everyone else as things jumped out at us, it got dark, creepy music played…you get the picture.  But, instead of having a good time, I could feel my panic rise up to my throat and I really just wanted the whole experience to be over with.  I was not having fun and to be honest spent most of the time looking at the floor hoping it would all end soon.  I was terrified.  My heart was racing, I was sweating and clutching my Bubby like my life depended on it. Then J’s worst nightmare came true.  We came to a Chucky themed area.  I calmly turned to her and told her to close her eyes and we would get her through it.  Then Chucky jumped out at Bubby and he screamed like a little girl and dropped my hand to get away.  My nerves, already frazzled, went into hyperstim as I frantically searched him out again thinking I was gonna die.  I knew I needed to get out of there.  Following Chucky and consoling J that he would not follow us, we went into a mirror maze which freaked even my Bubby out as we had a hard time getting out.  The panic was rising and I could feel myself barely hanging onto control.  What happened next is a blur to me.

We came out of the mirror maze and in front of us was a room filled with body bags.  Yes, body bags.  And the body bags had bodies in them. Seriously.  The only way through this room was to push the body bags out of your way.  This was too much for me.  The Fat Girl lost it.  Immediately, I sat on the floor about pulling Bubby’s arm out of his socket as I didn’t let go.  I figured if I sat on the floor then they could not make me get up and could not get my fat ass off the floor to continue.  I began rocking back and forth, sobbing like a child.  I was so over it.  Literally, all I can remember is crying and sitting on the floor.  Apparently, BFF had to turn around and apologize to the people behind us and tell them it was gonna be awhile till we could continue.  Not only did I proceed to have a full-blown panic attack, but then my asthma kicked in and I was alternately sobbing and wheezing.  I remember Bubby crouching down on the floor in front of me, taking my face in my hands, and telling me I had to get up.  That he would get me through this and no one would scare me for the rest of the time.  He even offered to go backwards to an exit which of course was in the Chucky room.  This made J start crying as well as she could not go back to Chucky.  All I could hear was her saying “NO!  Chucky is back there.  Don’t make me go back there!”  My poor group of friends.  One was hysterical about seeing Chucky again and the other was a ball of hot mess rocking back and forth on the floor like a crazy person.  Might I remind you I was not a teenager or a child when all this occurred.  That’s right.  I was in my 30’s on the floor rocking back and forth alternately sobbing and wheezing and quite possibly mumbling to myself about my Happy Place.  I might have traumatized BFF from ever going into a haunted house again.  And I might have peed my pants.  I was certain that we had a code WP (Wet Pants) on our hands at that point.  I was pretty sure I had lost all sensibilities at that point and both Squishy and Bubby had to convince me that I was gonna be fine and to just shut my eyes and they would get me to the end.  I vaguely remember Squishy asking where my inhaler was and I sobbed “I. Don’t. Know.”  even though it was in my purse.  At some point somebody found it and gave it to me.  I finally agreed to get my fat ass up off the floor when Bubby promised me that nobody would jump out at me anymore.  I now know he was thinking it was the only way he was going to get his sister off the floor and out of the haunted house.  I slowly got up, sobbing and closed my eyes as we pushed through the body bags.  I believed I might have screamed the entire time we went through there.

The rest of the place I really can’t even remember.  All I know is that not one person jumped out at us AT ALL for the rest of the time.  In fact, Bubby says it was the weirdest thing ever.  Although there were a lot of employees along the way.  Pretty sure I am now part of the training video for Universal about how to handle someone having a complete breakdown in the attraction.  That or I am on funny videos somewhere.  I am sure I freaked some employees out or made them laugh hysterically at this middle-aged woman having a full-blown panic attack.  Oh yeah.  Did I mention that at the end of this wonderful experience that the guy from the Chainsaw Massacre comes out of nowhere and chases you out with his chainsaw going?  Yeah.  I had witnessed the end of this when we walked by before and knew it was coming.  Squishy and Bubby had been going into rooms before I entered and yelling out that nobody could jump out at us and scare us.  They just wanted me out of there before I sat back down on the floor.  Pretty sure if I had sat back down only an EMT could have convinced me to get up.  As we approached the end and Bubby turned to me and said that the exit was coming up, I looked at him and told him that I could not be chased out.  Bubby actually went into the exit room, turned to the guy and said “Look dude.  My sister is having a full-blown panic attack and asthma attack.  If you chase us or even make a sound or move towards her, I will punch you in the throat.”  Needless to say, we got out of there quickly without that occurring.  As we exited with me and J still sobbing, a little child saw us and turned to his Mother and said “I don’t want to go on that ride Mommy.”  Good choice kid.  Because his eyes were definitely on fiwre.

When I later told my Mom about this experience on the phone and could laugh about it, she said to me “Don’t you remember what happened in high school when your Dad took you and your friends to the haunted house?”  I denied ever going to a haunted house.  Apparently, my Dad did take my Bestie and a group of us to a haunted house.  When Freddy Krueger came out at us, I did not have a panic attack or sit on the floor rocking and sobbing.  I just fainted.  Yup.  Fainted and had to be carried out by my Dad.  And I blocked all of this out because I do not remember a thing.  Guess the Fat Girl should really stay away from haunted houses.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did realize I should never go into a haunted house again unless I want to end up with a code WP and possibly a trip to the crazy house but I didn’t die.  I am fat girl who solves her fear by sitting her fat ass on the ground because I am sure no one can heft up my fatness running.  The experiment continues….

15 thoughts on “Why The Fat Girl And Haunted Houses Do Not Mix Or Code WP

  1. Oh God, My Wife Is German July 12, 2012 / 4:19 pm

    Great post! Thank you for sharing!

    … following your blog …

    – Oh God, My Wife Is German.

    • ladymiryaa July 12, 2012 / 4:22 pm

      Thanks for following! Glad you enjoyed my terror….

  2. carolstrawberrycarol July 12, 2012 / 4:28 pm

    That ‘s worse than me haing to sit in the back of the camper on the floor when we were driving through Rocky Mountain Park. I am a prairie gil at heart.

    • ladymiryaa July 12, 2012 / 10:03 pm

      Did you pee your pants because of the heights? I would have!

  3. Lydia June Thanatos Alamo July 12, 2012 / 6:13 pm

    LOL. I can’t believe this! I knew you freaked out, but I don’t recall hearing all the details of the story…at least not like this! If I was there, I would guide you out of the haunted house safely…and also threaten to punch people in the throat for you! (If you didn’t freak out…I would be the one peeing their pants on the floor. Haha.)

    • ladymiryaa July 12, 2012 / 10:03 pm

      I am sure with your mad ninja lunging skills you would have saved me! You have super powers!

  4. Shanelle July 12, 2012 / 11:03 pm

    Oh I DO remember that horrible awful terrible time we went with your dad to the scariest, most terrifying haunted house. I got so scared I ran out of a room and ran out of my shoe. I refused to go back in the room to get it, so your dad rescued it for me. That was 20+ years ago, but I won’t ever forget that fear.

    • ladymiryaa July 12, 2012 / 11:12 pm

      Apparently the two of us should never go into haunted houses again. Period. I do remember the shoe thing but couldn’t remember why you left your shoe behind. i really must have blocked out that traumatizing experience!

  5. La La July 13, 2012 / 4:47 am

    I had a similar experience. Someone told Jason my name and my fat ass was running away while he said my name all creepily and I FELL. I feel your pain.

    • ladymiryaa July 13, 2012 / 3:19 pm

      So wrong. So very wrong.

  6. Cathlin Monaghan Shahriary July 13, 2012 / 10:27 am

    Remember when we went inside the new “Mummy” exhibit at Universal, unknowing that it was a haunted house. I never saw you run soo fast! I nearly peed myself laughing, and the guy who jumped out at Vance at the end and made him scream…good times.

    • ladymiryaa July 13, 2012 / 3:18 pm

      I so do not even remember that! I must have blocked it out!

  7. swellsbennett July 14, 2012 / 10:35 am

    I HATE haunted houses…I have avoided them like the plague for most of my life. I only had one experience like yours — chainsaw killer and all — to convince me terror was not something I enjoyed. You are so much braver than I am for even trying more than once. My answer is always NO.

    • ladymiryaa July 19, 2012 / 10:05 pm

      I am pretty sure that should be my answer from now on as well. I don’t like peeing my pants in public.

  8. Madame Weebles July 25, 2012 / 6:26 am

    I don’t do haunted houses. I love spooky things but those sorts of haunted houses make me panic. I’d be shoving everyone out of my way and screaming for the exit.

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