Ever had that awkward moment of running into someone you really would rather avoid? What do you do? Do you turn and ignore them like you never saw them? I mean the labels on the cat food at that point might be more interesting than actually having to interact with that person. I am sure that the tuna content of the cat food is better. Unfortunately, I had that experience this past weekend but fortunately I have the ninja skills I needed to get away. The person I ran into? My ex. Awkward. Yeah that does not even begin to describe how I feel when I run into my ex.
Let’s put it this way. My ex and I were together for 14 years and the break up was messy, angry (not on my part…I was quite relieved and over the whole thing) and quite complicated. Me…I just did what I had been doing and uncorked another bottle of wine to get through it. Don’t judge. Wine soothes all in some cases. So does a little Captain, diet coke and cherries. A good cure-all the Captain. It’s no secret I enjoy a little Captain. Pretty sure it is my drink of choice and also goes good with Ambien but we shall save that for another time.
Back to my awesome ninja skills story. Picture this…it’s Mother’s Day and I am in desperate need of milk so I head to Safeway to get said milk. I mean, come on, Captain Crunch (another favorite Captain of mine) needs milk. Crystal Light will not do to make it edible. I might have tried that but lets not go there. Here I am, minding my own business with my carton of super-milk . You know…the organic one that doesn’t expire for like 3 months after you buy it. Hmmmmm. Wonder why? I am headed to the check out stand when I turn the corner and run smack dab into my ex’s new lover and my ex. And I don’t mean turn and there they are…. I mean I PHYSICALLY ran into them. Yup. In my horror induced state that I had run into someone, I looked up to apologize saw who it was and my ninja instincts took over. Pretty sure they never knew what hit them as this fat girl turned and dashed back down the aisle hiding behind the milk carton for safety. Yup. They could not have even seen me behind the carton of milk. I was like a flash in the wind and they only thought some fat girl ran into them because there is no way they saw me…I am quite sure. Of course, me running into the display of feminine hygiene products and knocking them over probably helped in my get away. That and the announcement of “Clean Up on Aisle 8” also I am sure disguised me and didn’t point out the fact that I had turned and ran. Awkward. Yeah there is no way they saw me for sure. I am sure I gave them something to laugh over the rest of the day especially as my fat ass tried desperately to pick up the feminine hygiene products and re-stack them only to have my pants slip down as I was bending over and gave everyone behind me a view of my panties including them. Or at least I hope it was just my panties. Yup. I had a fat girl plumber’s crack moment. Sigh. Maybe I should crack open the Captain and help me forget the whole embarrassing incident.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. Unless you count dying of embarrassment. I will continue to pretend that my ninja skills were mad enough to disguise me in my moment of awkward ex panic. I am fat girl running down the aisle, hiding behind the milk and using my ninja skills to knock over displays of maxi pads running. Awesome. The experiment continues….