The other night after my ransacking the cupboards failed to turn up any chocolate or Skittles and I went to go “get a fish” (this makes me giggle and if you have never watched Parking Wars you should…thanks for the reminder Lydia!), I decided to get off the life sucking couch and do a weight loss yoga video. I thought to myself “It can’t be that bad. It is just yoga. Plus a little stretching before bed will feel good.” First of all, did I mention this is a Biggest Loser video with Bob? And secondly, did you see that the title is Weight Loss Yoga? Stupid fat girl mistake.
Pretty sure Bob’s smiling face on the cover is hiding the amount of pain I soon found myself in. Having only done yoga a few times before, I had no idea that his version of Yoga would soon send my quads into quivering pools of jello leaving me wondering if I could even move. Then the troubles began. First, you want me to put my foot where? From downward dog to in between my hands? Excuse me? How I put my foot where the sun don’t shine on you? That might be easier! Does Bob not realize I am a fat girl and cannot bend that way? Ok Ok….I will give it a go. Huh. Something is blocking my leg from moving that way. Oh forget it, I will just move on to the next pose and figure it out later. Maybe my hips just aren’t that flexible. Next side. Same thing. WTF? What is getting in my way? Moving on to later when I am stretching to the side….seriously what is that? It suddenly dawns on me. The stoob. The stoob is in the way. I look down and am first off glad this fat girl is not in a class where everyone can see that my stoob is now poking out in all sorts of unflattering ways for all to see. In fact, I had now discovered a new way to make shadow puppets on the wall by bending certain ways with my stoob. The way the lighting is in my living room definitely cast a fat girl shadow on the wall and I could make all sorts of interesting shapes out of my stoob that was poking its whiteness out of my shirt as I hung upside now. Pretty sure I made a giraffe, an elephant and even a rhino with my stoob. It was pretty amusing, entertaining and distracting as I let Deceitful Bob torture me. I decided then to make shadow continents with my stoob. Even better because I am pretty sure I created Africa, Asia and possibly Australia (maybe even with a kangaroo or two). Maybe next time I will try countries. It would be awesome if I could create the former U.S.S.R. with my stoob. Hmmmm….pretty sure that is a challenge I will have to take on!
But I did complete the video, legs quivering and all and attempted to take my fat girl self to the shower afterwards and discovered lifting my legs to step into the tub was the challenge after the workout. I have never felt like I needed one of those walk into showers in my life as I did then. You know the ones…the ones that you see late at night on the info-mercials? I could be a model for the fat girl version instead of the old people version. It might sell a lot of these tubs, especially if they let me do stoob shadow puppetry in the commercial.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did discover a new talent as I did yoga and have given myself a challenge to create the U.S.S.R. next time….maybe even all of the little countries in it with the fat rolls of the stoob, an even bigger challenge, but I didn’t die. I am fat girl who has mastered stoob shadow puppetry and found a new calling to advertise walk in tubs running. The experiment continues….