There are many ways I can tell my monthly visitor is on its way. First, I fill out my bra quite nicely. Second, I get a migraine (which I suffered from a blinding one this morning upon waking. Not so much fun) and C) I get food cravings. Not wait. Scratch that. I crave CHOCOLATE. Well, since I had the first two symptoms on my list, I know it is almost that time. The migraine sealed the deal this morning for sure. And no, I don’t keep track of that stuff. I am single and my coochy (as my Mother calls it) has cobwebs growing in it alright? Geez. A girl can survive on batteries more than you realize. Just saying. So, no, I don’t take birth control which for some reason always freaks out the nurse when I go in for my annual duck lip exam. It’s usually a conversation like this: Nurse “So what kind of birth control do you use?” Me: “None” (bracing myself for the shocked look that comes across her face) Nurse (incredulously): “None? You don’t use any birth control AT ALL?” Me (sighing): “Nope. None.” Nurse: “But aren’t you sexually active?” Me (now thinking on how to answer this one because if you mean with inanimate objects that vibrate, well yes quite active thank you.) “Well…I am currently single but I don’t have a partner so I don’t feel the need to use birth control at this time. Plus, it makes my migraines worse with all the added hormones.” Nurse (now with a knowing expression, a shake of her head and a loud voice): “So, SINGLE WITHOUT A PARTNER. Got it.” Pretty sure I wanted to shove the duck lips up her out chute the way she said it, like I had a freaking disease or something. Thanks lady. Remind me the next time you are in my facility to shout out your personal information loud enough for everyone to hear. Maybe I will make something up like “Oh…so you say YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA? You poor thing. let’s get you a big shot of penicillin to treat that.” Show some love to us single fat girls would ya.
Anyways, after my blinding migraine had retracted to a dull roar this afternoon, I was finally hungry and decided to give into the third urge that was hitting me. The chocolate craving. I open my fridge, hoping there is some in there. Huh. Nope…no chocolate. Lots of yogurt, fruit, Crystal Light and whole grain bread (who bought that?). No need to panic. I am sure there is some in the pantry. I rubbed my hands together and my mouth watering in fat girl anticipation of the chocolate smell wafting out of the cupboard. Wait. There is no smell. WTF? I dig around in the pantry, frantically, finding lots of 99% fat-free popcorn, pretzels, 100 calorie snack packs of chips, the makings of hummus, and various of bottles of spices that are now flying through the air in my kitchen in the search for chocolate. A howl of disappointment leaves my fat girl lips. Where the EFFFFFFF is all the chocolate? Who the hell bought all this healthy crap for me to eat? Slowly, as the trail of tears starts down my fat cheeks, I remember my new resolve and my shopping excursion yesterday that resulted in lots of fish, fruit, yogurt and healthy snack options. But no chocolate or even those little devils of trouble that I love so much Skittles. No chocolate. What was I thinking? I guess I was thinking I had made up my mind to be healthy and fat no more in a desperate attempt for the scale to love me. Stupid scale.
Screw this. I am going to McDonald’s.
Oh yeah….I didn’t die today. I did create quite the mess in my kitchen as the contents of my pantry came flying causing Ninja to run and hide from the commotion but I didn’t die. I am fat girl who went and got a Fillet O’ Fish and a trough of fries instead running. The experiment continues….