As you are all aware, I went to the cesspool of scalding hotness that is Phoenix this weekend for
a ninja convention my god-daughter’s Confirmation and 1st Holy Communion. BFF, being my Fairy Godmother, came with me and we decided that since we were there in the heat (yes it really was 101 degrees there on Sat. I could tell by the puddle of sweat that formed in my bra) that we would make a fun weekend out of it and go see the Diamondbacks play the Braves. Being girls and BIG sports fans (one of the many reasons we are BFFs), we did what any baseball fan would do…got seats as close as we could to the team dugout. To say the game sucked beyond the telling of it is an understatement. Thank goodness we had good seats and are good at entertaining each other because the Dbacks played horribly. The best part of the game was listening to the Canadians behind us, of which one of them had a bromance for Chipper Jones. We got quite the kick out of listening to their comments and started talking to them because it was really more interesting than the game. No sports fan wants to watch their team lose 9-0 is all I am saying. It was painful. At one point, BFF, took out her phone and starting reading a digital comic on it. Yes, I said comic. Not only are we sports fans, but we are geeks as well. This caught the attention of one of the Canadians behind us and I caught him looking over her shoulder. He caught my eyes and asked if she was reading a comic….hence where this story really starts. I love BFF, but I have to be quite honest, she has NO CLUE when guys are flirting with her. Clueless I tell you. And since she is a cute girl, this is even more alluring to guys. Being an innocent flirt herself, she really just banters with them and doesn’t realize that she is driving them crazy. As for me, I SUCK at flirting. Maybe I have been a fat girl too long, but really, I don’t seek out attention from ANYONE like that. I just can’t see them being all up in my stoob because they find my jiggly whiteness hot. Seriously.
I mean, yes, what fat girl wouldn’t want to be flirted with and found cute and sexy? I know I would, but let’s face it. Guys see me as the Fat Friend. We all know how this is goes too. The guy sees the cute attractive girl with her Fat Friend and is like….Damn. They know they have to get rid of the Fat Friend in some way. Let me give you a tip here guys. Us Fat Friends, we know exactly what you are doing and trying to pawn us off on your other friend is not only demeaning but revolting. We don’t want to be anyone’s grenade. For real. So just please, save us the humiliation and let us excuse ourselves when this situation occurs. Really. We get it that you aren’t into the fat girl. Hell, I am not into myself. I take one look in the mirror and say “Nope. I wouldn’t have sex with me.” Thank goodness batteries don’t judge. But if you are gonna at least try to make the fat girl feel attractive, then please do it for real. Because it is just worse when we realize that we are the fat girl joke of the night. And the pickup line about food….let’s lose it.
Anyways….for my poor clueless flirt BFF, here are the clues that a Canadian is flirting with you:
- He says “Oh you are even MORE attractive now” when he hears you spout off baseball statistics and that you are not there just to look at the player’s bums.
- He feigns interest in your comic to get your attention because he saw you earlier and kept staring. (Kinda creepy if you ask me. he was just looking for a way to talk to you, honestly.)
- He asks if the weather is always as hot as you. (Seriously? You need a new pick up line.)
- He asks how old you are and then compliments you when he doesn’t believe your age. (But showing him your driver’s licence with your address on it to prove it….not such a great move. Now I am wondering if he is related to SOTL man.)
- He invites you to Toronto to watch a game. Like tomorrow. (Wow. Kind of forward buddy.)
- He continuously touches your arm. (Hey creeper…..she doesn’t get it ok? Or she really is not into you.)
- He asks you if you are single. (Yup. She STILL didn’t catch on here. I was laughing to myself and shaking my fat girl head.)
I gotta love BFF. She coyishly without meaning too kept him on the string for several innings till the end of the game. Then when they left, turned to me and asked “Was he flirting with me?” Oh how I love her innocence. Yes. He was flirting with you. All I could do was laugh my fat friend laugh and inwardly be glad on one hand that I didn’t have to deal with guys like that when we are at a ballgame. And on the other hand….sometimes a fat girl does wish that. Sometimes we are tired of being the fat friend. Just saying.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did however, eat way too much this weekend (can you say ice cream cake and ball park food) and tried to save BFF from Canadians. It didn’t work, eh? I am fat girl with the most innocent BFF in the world running. The experiment continues….